All comics by Cobb

Profile

 

by Cobb
1-26-04
ok seriously, are there iraqi wmds in syria?
yes.
now what?
nothing.
you're suggesting this is not a matter of degree, not principle.
i'm just saying that the ability to kill 10,000 people simply doesn't impress me.

 

by Cobb
1-26-04
c'mon be serious. you're telling me that the iraqi wmds exported to syria were capable of killing 10,000 people?
capabiity is beside the point.
you're full of it. either he had it or he didn't. you're a typical human scumbag liar.
i have hands which are completely capable of opening your cage and letting you free. you on the other hand have no such capability.
you're capability means nothing. i know you never intend to free me. you're a cruel, evil bastard.
my point exactly.

 

by Cobb
1-26-04
we're doing a survey. do you think george bush is more authentically southern than john edwards?
what difference does that make?
we need to see how much leverage we have in southern states.
we're in california, why are you asking me?
i think you would have realized by now that we political pollsters are the ones who frame the issues. just answer the questions please.
that's it. i'm moving to new hampshire.

 

by Cobb
1-28-04
pretty cold in new hampshire, eh?
i don't want to talk about it.
but you thought 'black bush women' was really funny 3 weeks ago.
howard dean is still my candidate. i still believe, and i'm not taking off the swimsuit.
how's the frostbite?
i should be able to feel my toes by south carolina.

 

by Cobb
1-29-04
have you been transubtantiating again?
it depends. what does that mean?
you know damned well what it means. just a few weeks ago you disappeared and then i find out that you took over brittany spears' body.
oh that. well, i can say that i'm leaving the female humans alone these days.
i knew it. you were howard dean!
the 'yeargh' gave it away, huh?

 

by Cobb
1-29-04
you know, we've got competition. i found out that the liberal fairy is on earth these days.
the liberal fairy?
yeah. she makes the wishes of average humans come true. most average humans wish for things like world peace and ending hunger and disease and all that.
that's no fun. we've got to strike back.
let's say we start with four more years of gwbush?
ahh, that's too easy. we've got to think of something *really* devious.

 

by Cobb
1-29-04
oh no i can't beleive it.
what?
this is horrible, it can't be true.
what? what? tell me!
halo 2 is delayed until this summer!
can somebody rational please explain what's going on here?

 

by Cobb
1-29-04
i thought was going to have to give him cpr he was freaking out so bad.
jeez. what was that all about?
something about halo 2 delayed 3 months?
oh. my. god.
hello? please get up. c'mon this isn't funny.

 

by Cobb
2-02-04
can you believe this super bowl thing?
humans waste so much time warming up to their females.
all the alcohol. all the dancing.
just to rip off the shirt of one female.
and all that for just one teat.
what's up with that?

 

by Cobb
2-06-04
still soldiering on for howard dean, eh?
it's very frustrating to be in the spotlight one day and dismissed the next.
so have you come up with any new tactics to get you back into the limelight?
yes, but i'll need your assistance.
that depends. what do i do?
when i say go, rip off my top.

 

by Cobb
2-09-04
i need your help to write a virus.
are you serious, a virus? you don't seem to be the type.
i must confess, i'm a bit surprised at myself for wanting to vent my anger on society through a computer worm, but i'll pay you for it.
ok i'll do it. but why are you so angry?
i've decided that i hate justin timberlake.
oh i see. we can call it the titty virus.

 

by Cobb
2-10-04
how's the rogue titty virus coming?
..just putting on the final touches and we're ready to launch.
how many people will it affect?
i've set it to erase the hard drives of any computer with justin timberlake mp3s.
why don't you add in michael bolton while you're at it?
hmm. you know that could take down the office of homeland security.

 

by Cobb
2-11-04
ok it's done. the 'rogue titty' virus is in the wild.
now we just hang out and wait for the chaos. i love it.
i never realized you had such an evil streak.
well sorta. i mean janet really did get a raw deal.
haha, raw deal. i get it.
stop laughing, this is about justice.

 

by Cobb
2-11-04
the white house continues to be dogged about allegations that president bush didn't complete his national guard service.
today, spokesman scott mcclellan offered a strange reason for the lack of records.
he says that the computer archivist played a michael bolton mp3, a black woman's breast flashed on the screen and the records disappeared.

 

by Cobb
2-15-04
rabbit, did you do anything special for valentines day?
nah. just the usual trip to vegas.
didn't bring the primary, i suppose.
actually, i did. you know there's a lot of disease going around these days. you can't be too sure.
c'mon. that's avian flu and it's not sexually transmitted.
you clearly don't understand rabbit sexuality.

 

by Cobb
2-15-04
that was pretty irresponsible of you to release that virus.
virus? what virus?
don't play dumb. i know you were behind the rogue titty virus. it has the number 28 all over it.
don't tell me you're a michael bolton fan.
that's not the point. you should have come to me first. i have enemies too.
i smell conspiracy.

 

by Cobb
2-15-04
so you want in on the virus clan?
sure. it's not too late to send out a variant. other hackers are going to anyway. we may as well ride the crest of your popularity.
what do you have in mind?
something more political. something that can affect the november election.
that's quite ambitious. i can assume we want to spoof as if we were howard dean supporters.
i am so glad you're a republican it almost makes me support the civil rights movement.

 

by Cobb
2-15-04
ok. first thing we want to do is maintain consistency so people know to fear us. this new virus has to be 'rogue' something.
since the last one was rogue titty, i get it. how about rogue elephant?
you mean to make it look like it's actually howard dean's people writing the virus spoofing as if they were republicans?
right. so when it backfires on us it actually backfires on them.
you are so sneaky it's scary.
i'm a big fan of carl rove.

 

by Cobb
2-15-04
so what would a democrat think we'd put in a virus?
well, it would be something stereotypical since they are too stupid to understand that we're actually enlightened.
i know. a rebel flag. they think all republicans are idiot rednecks.
yeah that's a great idea. a confederate battle flag on 10 million pcs!
i think you're a little too enthusiastic about that idea.
yeah right. if we get busted who do you think is going to take the heat, you or me?

 

by Cobb
2-15-04
hey! what's that i see on your pc? a rebel flag?
i don't know how it got here. i was just listening to my janet jackson mp3, and it pops up playing dueling banjos.
who would do such a thing?
probably some self-hating black wannabe republican in a pathetic attempt to make it look like democrats are writing viruses for the reverse blowback.
self-hating?
i mean, isn't it obvious?

 

by Cobb
2-15-04
how could you possibly guess who wrote that? a black republican virus writer is the most improbable scenario imaginable.
i didn't guess. i have inside information.
do you have names?
no, just an anonymous tip from an unimpeachable source.
well, what about the self-hating part?
what's it to you? hey wait a minute...

 

by Cobb
2-15-04
i cannot believe you ratted me out.
i didn't rat you out specifically, just generally. besides, the hacker underworld is a dangerous place. you knew the risk.
but why? i paid you!
c'mon. rogue elephant? that was my code. my secret signature was replaced. you can't take credit for that.
so because i stole the credit, you give me credit?
only after i modified the virus somewhat..

 

by Cobb
2-16-04
i'm from the office of homeland security and i'd like to ask you some questions.
about?
we have already seized your computer assets and have had our experts review every bit of data, so there's no point in evasion.
i'm shocked!
first question. are you democrat or republican?
i'm, uh well a libertarian actually. why do you ask?

 

by Cobb
2-20-04
go ahead say it.
ok. loser!
go ahead, say it.
idiot!
go ahead, say it.
do you need any comfort sex?

 

by Cobb
2-20-04
i cannot tell you how embarrassing this has been. i'm totally humiliated.
i could have told you..
..yeah spare me. i know. i've got a thing for politicians. they just seem so powerful and magnetic..
..until they get beat in the polls.
you know, i'm starting to believe there is real evil in the world.
the 'e' word huh? maybe you should vote for bush.

 

by Cobb
2-20-04
maybe you're right. maybe i should give up my youthful enthusiasm. i'm sick of being on the losing side.
i was being facetious. don't abandon your principles.
what principles? i just want to be with a winner for once. is that too much to ask?
so you'd actually vote for bush?
forget bush, i'm going straight to the source. i'm applying to work at halliburton.
now there's an idea.

 

by Cobb
2-22-04
you seem pleased with yourself. is it true that you got a job at halliburton?
well, not yet. but i do know a lot of people in politics, so i think i have a good chance.
don't do it. you're going to be bored out of your mind.
are you kidding? there are some jobs in the world that only halliburton can do.
i read in the newspaper that they're all corny capitalists.
you remind me so much of why i need this job.

 

by Cobb
2-23-04
i heard you lied to the office of homeland security. you said you were a libertarian.
yeah! to throw them off the trail of your virus.
my virus? it was your idea.
what!? i can't believe you're trying to pin this on me. you couldn't wait to put your code into it.
i don't know what you're talking about. i don't even own a computer.
i'm calling my lawyer.

 

by Cobb
2-28-04
do we have any gay people in our neighborhood?
oh please don't start talking about gay marriage. i don't want to hear it.
why not?
because you americans talk so much about your principles, as if you were the first people to deal with any situation.
'you americans?'. you seem to only be an american when it's convenient. now we're really going to talk.
what have i begun?

 

by Cobb
2-28-04
you're an american, so you must have an opinion.
i have an opinion, but i am not required to enter this debate. i'm keeping my opinion to myself.
then i can say that you agree with me, as a muslim, that gays should not get married.
i said no such thing. how can you interpret my silence in that way?
because you're just too chicken to say what you believe: allah hates fags.
i said no such thing! you're projecting!

 

by Cobb
2-28-04
you are putting words in my mouth. allah is merciful and hates nobody. it is your god who hates.
don't try to turn this into a theological debate, we're on the same side against gay marriage.
no we are not, i am not taking sides. your tactics are disgusting.
yeah whatever. you just are from a backwards nation. i see you're not ready for real democracy.
i cannot believe you are saying these things. why is it so important to you that i speak up on this issue?
because this is america. don't you get it? you must exercise democracy for it to work.

 

by Cobb
2-28-04
i refuse your logic, and yes i am as much american as you..
..oh now..
..let me finish. i refuse the terms of debate on gay marriage. it's all slanted and political and has nothing to do with allah's mercy.
so are you going to get in and change the terms?
are you kidding? people still think i'm part of hamas!
c'mon, it's just talk. what are you afraid of?

 

by Cobb
2-28-04
so are you running off to san francisco to get married and flaunt the law or are you going back into your little closet?
you again. i thought you were a gay friendly pollster.
i hate this job. it's all because of you that i'm associated with all this gay stuff. my conservative friends hate me.
well, i have good news you can tell all your paleo-associates.
what could you possibly say about gay marriage that would make conservatives happy?
we promise never ever ever to have abortions.

 

by Cobb
2-29-04
you haven't returned my calls. what's up babe?
i heard the way you were treating that poor man.
yeah well i don't see what's so special about all this gay stuff.
don't you think you might have been gay just once?
it's not what you think, it's what you do.
suddenly, you might not be so heterosexual as you think.

 

by Cobb
3-01-04
you're kidding me. you're breaking up with me because i'm against gay marriage?
no. i'm just withholding sex from you until you admit to me that you might have gay feelings.
what!?
everybody is a bit of everything. that's what you told me when we first got together. don't knock it until you try it, remember?
that's the most twisted race card i've ever heard.
welcome to 21st century multicultural america.

 

by Cobb
3-01-04
i say dump her.
i can't do that. she means a lot to me. maybe i've been too hardheaded about all this.
you're going to pretend that you like guys in order to prove that you love her? that's too twisted.
maybe she's trying to tell me something else, and she just can't say it straight out.
maybe she's going bisexual and wants to do a foursome.
is that supposed to cheer me up?

 

by Cobb
3-07-04
i think my girlfriend wants me to be more sensitive.
let me ask you, does she watch 'six feet under' on hbo?
the gay undertaker show? yeah she does.
and does she watch 'queer eye for the straight guy'?
she's been trying to get me to watch that for a long time.
are you beginning to see a pattern here?

 

by Cobb
3-07-04
i know we've never spoken before, but i want you to know i support you.
oh brother, here it comes.
yes. gays should have every right that straight people have. if there's anything i can do..
thank you very much for your support.
that sounded very patronizing.
you think?

 

by Cobb
3-07-04
i'm serious and i am committed to defending your rights.
i'm not married and i'm just fine, thank you.
no you're not. you can't even inherit money from your lifetime partner.
ok you talk a good game but what can you actually do?
i'm going to marry you.
nice talking to you. i've got a dentist's appointment.

 

by Cobb
3-09-04
wait wait hear me out. i can actually marry you. but it won't be us who will be married.
huh?
i will change my name to your boyfriends name. we get married and then you and your lifetime partner get all the benefits.
that's preposterous. you're a woman, it won't fool anyone.
not if you say that i had a sex change.
i can see that having a black boyfriend really wasn't exotic enough for you.

 

by Cobb
3-14-04
ok if you're serious, i expect a dowry.
a what?
if you're going to marry me, then i get to inspect the assets you bring to community property first. btw, i'm a pitcher and your sex change has to be real.
well, actually i was just thinking..
one more thing. what do you know about fisting?
uh, can't we just be political allies?

 

by Cobb
3-14-04
you're back! wow i'm so happy to see you!
it has been quite a while. how are you doing?
what? no hug?
we've got to talk. something important has come up.
are you alright? they didn't ask did they?
no, and i didn't tell.

 

by Cobb
3-14-04
look. i know i've been really strange lately. i don't know, we were getting so close it was weirding me out and..
and you decided to go and do something stupid to see if you really love me.
yes. and i'm really sorry. i don't know what i was thinking but now i'm really sure that we've got something special..
i know. i did the same thing.
and you feel the same way i do?
well, actually..

 

by Cobb
3-15-04
are you saying you've found someone else?
don't act surprised. after all, you dumped me for a gay guy.
that must be pretty humiliating. look, i'm really sorry. isn't there some way we can work this out?
that's your problem. you think that you can always make things better. i think you're just a little too flaky for me.
so this is the end?
good luck with your next subject, er boyfriend.

 

by Cobb
3-15-04
so what is it you needed to talk about?
well, you know i've been in iraq and i've seen some pretty ugly things. it has really changed who i am.
so you don't love me anymore? is that what you're trying to say?
no it's not that i don't care. it's just.. well we were a pretty wild pair. and i don't think i can do that any longer.
what you really need to do is get out of that uniform.
c'mon, you're not making this easy.

 

by Cobb
3-15-04
so you don't want to swing with me?
no more wild nights. that's all behind me.
because what? how can you deny yourself?
i've seen too many dead babies. i just can't go back to the life.
you're obviously not the same drama queen i used to know. this is really sad.
no i'm just a standard g.i. homo.

 

by Cobb
3-15-04
don't get me wrong. i still think you're fabulous, just like i remembered.
look. you don't have to say that.
it's not you, it's me.
no you didn't!
did i actually say that?
a cliche! you are really pathetic.

 

by Cobb
3-17-04
i haven't seen you around here much.
i heard that you broke up with your white girlfriend.
ah... yes... that's true. how did you..
news travels fast. you know there aren't many available black men. they're all married or dogs or gay or in jail.
i see, well..
so are you going to ask me out or what?

 

by Cobb
3-17-04
dang, you're pretty straight up. but i hardly know you.
what's to know? we're free and single so let's us mingle.
yeah but what if we're not right for each other?
oh don't think i won't let you know.
i was afraid of that.
afraid? now see that's one thing already.

 

by Cobb
3-17-04
slow down please. i didn't even ask you out and already you're saying what you think is wrong with me.
well if it's not true then you have nothing to worry about.
that's just so forward.
do you have a problem with aggressive self-possessed women? is that why you go for malibu barbie?
that's not fair. she was more like 'my scene political barbie'.
uh huh. i see i have my work cut out for me.

Showing page 9.

« Previous Next »