All comics by crabby

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by crabby
5-09-02
It's coming! I'm shooting out the child now!
Dear god it cant be!
Holy fuck!
HOHOHO! Unfortunetly Santa dies every year on December 26th and I must be ressurected by someone who carries eternal sin with them! That crack whore of a reindeer did the job this year! HOHOHO!

 

by crabby
5-09-02
Faith is something we all need a little bit of in our lives. However, your reluctance to have faith in father Christmas has not only offended me but it has also put into motion the end of the earth!
Huh?
You are still a non believer? Perhaps a demonstration of power is in order!
Sure.
Hell has arisen on earth. Cower before me mortal! I have wiped out every animal on this planet, the hell fire has scorched the ground and all plant life has seized to exist! FEAR ME!
ok. But I have powers as well Powers like..........

 

by crabby
5-23-02
This monarchy blows we should overthrow it! While were at it we should also destroy Religion and Hollywood as well!
Don't forget Kajun he's a fucking cunt!
I wonder if he knows I plan to kill him?
I bet he doesn't know that I know of his plan to kill me.
Yeah so that kajun's a real cunt huh?
Oh yeah.

 

by crabby
6-10-02

 

by crabby
6-10-02

 

by crabby
6-12-02
I wanna be a weiner!
Step into the machine and I will transform you into the winner of this round.
Gravy+Tuna=Guna?
I said I wanted to be a weiner!
What the fuck are you talking about?

 

by crabby
6-12-02
Transform me into a weiner Genie! This I command you!
Step into the machine and I will make it so.
Fuck+Comic_Contest=Weiner?
I said I wanted to be a weiner!
Fuck is you!

 

by crabby
6-20-02
Anti.....Anti......Santa or whatever you call your self! Prepare to meet your doom! I've enlisted the help of your arch nemesis!
You fiend! How dare you attempt to use your devil senses to corrupt my mind. My arch nemesis is long dead!
INTERMISSION............
Thank you Danny Glover. Thank you for saving me from hell and bringing me to your fantasy head quarters in the clouds! Now I'll be able to finish handing out presents to those orphans!
Fuck them orphans Santa! I'm Danny fucking Glover! You best be giving me them presents!

 

by crabby
6-22-02
I am soooooo constipated!
Hey hunny come to bed you've been watching bad comedians all night your gonna give yourself the runs.
I've been telling you for five days now that I've been constipated! I'd kill for the runs! Why don't you listen to me?
If you wanna stay up watching bad comedians and shitting your pants then go ahead! I'm going to bed!
I am soooooo constipated!
Now where were we?

 

by crabby
6-22-02
What the fuck is a cheque? I'm sending that bitch the stuff-up-your-ass powder.
It says I have to take this anally three times a day. Hey honey come help me!
Are you happy i ate that powder and then vomitted it all up in your ass!
I don't feel so good!!

 

by crabby
6-22-02
Isn't that the powder you just ate and vomited all up in my ass?
Yes i believe it is?
I just re-read the box and it says stuff -up-your-ass powder! Why did I shit it out?
apperntly it doesn't work very well.
I still don't feel good!
Maybe we could try that thing we were talking about.

 

by crabby
6-23-02
Damn it what was that? It burns!
It was my snowman penis. When the children made me in the snow they gave me an acid soaked rag as a penis.
God I need to go to the gyno fast! I think I have toxi shock syndrome!
Damn those children!
Hi there! I'll be your gyno for the day. Whats the problem?
Acid soaked................penis rag..............NEED HELP!!!!!!!!!!!

 

by crabby
6-23-02
Your going to have to lay off that dildo for about a week. You can stroke it and suck on it but no inserting it under any circumstances!
Damn!
Now as for your constipation...........let me just unzip my pants.
What are you doing doctor?
I'm just getting this enema I keep taped to my inner thigh. Use this and you should be shtting in no time!
Damn! I thought I was gonna get some non acid soaked rag penis for a change!

 

by crabby
6-24-02
Hey Jesus, you gonna fix that glitch?
No. I think were about done here.

 

by crabby
6-24-02
Fuck them Jesus! They don't love you! All they do is whine.
They only pray for their loved ones and favorite sports teams. They never ask about my feelings.
I know how you feel. They always have smart ass comments for me too.
Wanna trade places?
What do I get out of it?
You get a kick ass loin cloth!

 

by crabby
6-24-02
Fuck that pussy shit Jesus! It's time for some Big Bang up in this BEEYOTCH!
Your a real loose cannon!
Fuck that didn't work!
Let's try the plug shall we?

 

by crabby
6-24-02
Great now were asian!
At least I'm the sexy asian! Lets try this again.
***PUDD***
Great Jesus! Now were really screwed!
Go to hell my child!

 

by crabby
6-24-02
Go ask him to fix it you fucking pussy!
Fine but he's gonna be pissed.
Dad I broke the universe and need some help fixing it.
Why don't you try flipping the switch on?
Thanks Dad! I promise I'll never break the universe again.
Ok son! You run along and go play with your friends.

 

by crabby
6-24-02
The first thing we need for the new world is a set of really hot twins!
I can do that.
I have a brownie in my bag. But why?
I have a brownie in my bag. But why?
Nice work Jesus! Your good at this, now how about creating some sort of monarchy that will govern the whole world?
Hmmmmm............

 

by crabby
6-24-02
Jesus those two were really annoying. Smite them! THIS I COMMAND YOU!
Calm down you! I thought they were way to peppy! I'll smite them and try harder.
You don't look to good jesus!
I'M ABOUT TO GO SHIT OUT ALL THE PLANT LIFE FOR NEW EARTH!!!!!!!!

 

by crabby
6-26-02
That's disgusting!
Let's not let the vegetarians find out. It's a little inside joke I got going on.
Your evil!
Damn right!
Could you give me wings?
No.

 

by crabby
6-26-02
I think I made Jesus cry. I shouldn't have whined so much I have to do something to make it up to him!
That's right I want it to be sent to Jesus 123 Heaven RD. Care of his good friend the Bradmeister!
Hey there big boy! Your friend the Bradmeister sent me here to pleasure you all night long!
Good Grief! Who in their right mind sends the son of God a whore?

 

by crabby
6-26-02
Fine I'll give you your damn wings!
You happy now?
Not reall I'm a fucking bee! Why don't you let me take it for a test drive and I'll get back to you.
Hey baby! Why don't you let me pollinate your flower?
Buzz off jerk!

 

by crabby
6-26-02
My hands are covered in blood! First the blood of that bastard Danny Glover and now the blood of an innocent bee!
Why does the christmas spirit have to bring out the worst in me, why?
Because your a prick!
Who said that rise and face me you no-good knick!
You dare face Jesus! I'm tired of you getting all the attention on our birthday! Dad always loved you best....................BROTHER!

 

by crabby
6-26-02
Thats it Jesus I'm going to finish you off once and for all! SANTA STYLE!
It's officially Dec. 26th you fat bastard!
BLAH!!!!!!! I'm melting!!!!!!!
Fat bastard!
He melted into a pile of ashes how odd? Now that I've killed Santa only one foe remains!

 

by crabby
6-27-02
I have you inprisoned in my yellow cone of doom! There is no escape so can't we just cuddle?
Look Jesus.......your just not....experienced enough for me.
But...........but..........I was with a whore recently. I ravished her entire body.
Would you like a stamina brownie so you can keep up with me Jesus?
Yes.........uhhhmmmmm....sure why not? So shall we leave this yellow cone of doom and go some place more comfortable?
Sure whatever.

 

by crabby
6-27-02
I don't feel so good I shouldn't have eaten that brownie!
That fool Jesus doesn't realize that the brownie I fed him was made of 100 % Camel shit! It is only a matter of time before I have rid existence of him forever!
What's the big deal it's just camel shit?
According to Norse myth the only way to destroy Jesus is by forcing him to eat a brownie sized square made of 100 % camel shit!
That's pretty fucked up.

 

by crabby
7-02-02
Gabe RedSquare? I require your services!
How may we help you?
How may we help you?
Siamese Twins? Forget it I'll take my buisness elsewhere!

 

by crabby
7-02-02
We need to be separated our detective buisness is going downhill.
Our appearance scares away potential clients. Let us approach a doctor!
Yes, I operate on siamese twins. Yes, come in tommorow and I will separate you right away!
Soon I will be free to express my communist ideas without having to deal without having to hear about your domino effect theory!
You dirty Pinko Red!

 

by crabby
7-02-02
These twins I must separate. Apparently they are also cursed with a red square. Perhaps I can call in a witch doctor to separate them?
Yes I am a witch doctor! The curse of the red square! I shall do my best. I will arrive by horse drawn carriage in the morning to assist you in the surgery!
I will separate the twins and doctor Bishbu will remove the curse. Soon they will be regular detectives!

 

by crabby
7-02-02
I have invited a witch doctor to help with this procedure. You will experience alot of pain!
I WILL CURE YOU!!!!!!!!!
AHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

by crabby
7-02-02
Wait a second why am I bothering to look for a toilet?
***Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh***
I always knew this diaper would come in handy!

 

by crabby
7-02-02
That bitch used me Odin! She attempted to use your wicked scriptures against me!
Why don't you just curse her old chum?
I don't think Jesus took that very well.
Great, now I'm asian!
Hey I got five bucks! Whadda ya say?

 

by crabby
7-03-02
I love the rich smooth taste of these here cigarettes!
They won't let me smoke inside at work but I'm outside and no one can stop me!
Thats my brother you asshole! I'm gonna kick your ass!
Holy shit I'm out of here!
Thats right bitch!

 

by crabby
7-03-02
Look here's the number to a friend of mine. Why don't you give them a call and they'll help you out. Now leave me alone.
Ok!
Fifty bucks for a blow job! I don't even have a dick! You better be worth it!
Don't worry.
My god your unattractive!
I'm unattractive and I'm a man! My name is Julio Windomeir and I'm part of a terrorist organization assigned to kill the family that Mary Poppins is working for. Now let's see that bug dick!

 

by crabby
7-03-02
The human will be confused when he's beamed aboard. I have to catch him off guard with my alien gat.
BAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AHHHHH!!!!!!!!!! HE'S GRABBED AHOLD OF MY ALIEN LOVE GUN! I MUST TELEPORT BACK TO THE HOMEWORLD!
That asshole jizzed all over my hand! His skin sure was soft though. I wonder what kind of alien lotion he uses?

 

by crabby
7-07-02
So...........whip it out big man.
You know what? I'm not even in the mood anymore. Tel you what, heres the address of a friend of mine. Go talk to him.
So..........no bug dick?
Not from me but my buddy is a real nice person. You should have a good time, trust me!
I'll never forget you!
I'm going to try my hardest to forget you.

 

by crabby
7-07-02
Where do I go from here? I've been shunned by several potential lovers. I'm never going to kill that Poppins bitch!
My life has lost all meaning. I've been so caught up in this feud with the Poppins family that I don't even remember why I want them dead.
I need to get back to my roots. I need to find myself. I must RETURN HOME!

 

by crabby
7-07-02
That wasn't my mother at all. Who was that woman. She didn't like me. But how do I know her?
I'm so confused. All I know is that the Poppins bitch must die. That's all I remember for sure.
Why? Why? Why? Why, must she die? I don't remember. But she must that's all I know.
We must hurry! Julio is resisting the mind control. Soon he shall break free from our grasp. The time has come to enter stage 2!

 

by crabby
7-09-02
Now I'm going to have to hire a replacement?
Sign me up!
This guy rocks!

 

by crabby
7-09-02
I'm not my own man. I feel pumped full of drugs and monitors.
Why would I just start punching myself in the balls? Why would I do that unless I had a someone else controlling my body in a never ending struggle with that Poppins bitch!
You are not under the control of the government continut hunting Poppins.
Who the fuck just said that?

 

by crabby
7-09-02
Holy fuck! That was weird. But at least I learned I'm a homo sexual. Perhaps, I've been gay all along.
Maybe I should just find a nice gay man to settle down with.
Hi there. I couldn't help but read your mind and I thought to myself "I'm a gay man!" So wanna go to a club?
Oh my god it's him!
Things are not as they seem! Run.......RUN!

 

by crabby
7-09-02
After much explaining........
So your saying that I lived underwater swimming up peoples asses in a homage to a giant land robot named TOBOR?
Yes.
What does that have to do with the government controlling me?
Think about it.
After much thinking........
OH MY GOD!
I think he's got it!

 

by crabby
7-10-02
After much more explaining.............
So your saying that ........
Spit it out!
TOBOR was designed by the government as a means to implant people with computer bugs?
RAAAAARThat's exactl..............GAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!
RAAARRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!! TOBOR CORNHOLE EROTICALLY DRESSED BIG MOUTH!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

by crabby
7-10-02
We inserts a chip into your rectum every week?
Yeah.
Why every week?
You know update chips!
Your one of them aren't you?
So your finally catching on........

 

by crabby
7-11-02
So explain why your helping me?
Am I or are you more confused then you every were?
Wait! this isn't right at all. All this talk of them versus me. It's not right at all! Wait a second............
NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Julio awakens from his dream and rushes to what appears to be the nearest bathroom...........

 

by crabby
7-11-02
And that's the story of Julio the ugly troll faced man.
Dad that book fucking sucks!
Your grandpappy wrote that book.
Grandpappy was a flaming homosexual! Wait a second..................Did you hear that Dad?
I heard it and now I'm gonna find out what it was?
Don't get to over dramatic you homo!

 

by crabby
7-11-02
I got an odd vibe from that cat. I guess I'll go finish tucking in Stanley.
Stanley...............
STANLEY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

by crabby
7-15-02
Dad, just went on a mission to kill for me for no reason. I have blood on my hands and will forever have feelings of remorse.
Great now mom is gonna try and have a talk with me.
Son are you feeling remorse because your father has gne on a killing spree for no reason?
I WISH HE'D KILL YOU! YOU AND YOUR LOVER!
Let's keep that quiet! OR ELSE THAT LOVER WILL HAVE TO KILL YOU AND YOUR FATHER!

 

by crabby
7-15-02
Wait a second, you died on Dec. 26th attempting to battle your brother Jesus!
GAHHHHHHH!!!!!! I'M MELTING!!!!!!!
I'll leave these flowers on top of his remains so he'll be greeted with a pleasant smell in the after life.
Let's make love on my son's bed! That idea gets me so wet!
You kinky wench! I shall hump you straight to HADES!

Showing page 9.

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