All comics by russman

Profile

 

by russman
4-24-17
Went to work today. The boss and the girls in the office wouldn't talk to me.
Finally one of the girls told me I was being shunned for being an enabler.
I tried to explain that I wasn't an enabler. It was just that I don't care. I don't think that helped.

 

by russman
4-25-17
I've screwed a hundred girls but I suck one dick and now I'm "gay"
There were over 200 kids at that school. Kill a few of them and now I'm a "murderer"
My wife and I had three kids eat just one of them and now I'm a "cannibal"

 

by russman
4-26-17
I'm not as uncaring as I seem.
I was just wondering if you had heard from Jessica lately. And don't bother saying which one is Jessica again.
I thought she was coming back to work Monday.
I sent out an are you ok text tonight.
So did we but none of us have heard from her since she came in to get you Friday.
I got the normal thank you for an incredible night of hot sex texts Saturday but haven't heard from her since.
Anything more would require effort.
You really are a jerk. She is one of my best girls.
She was pretty good. I'll have to do some comparison shopping before calling her the best.

 

by russman
4-27-17
I could rape and kill you in here and no one would hear you scream.
I could turn you into a newt.
What is it with you witches and newts? Why don't you just say lizard?
Tinkle tinkle you're a newt.
Very funny. Who am I Newt Gingrich?
I don't know who you are. But your dick doesn't work anymore.

 

by russman
4-28-17
Hey Boss. It's been a pleasure but I'm gonna have to quit.
C'mon you finally started making some sales.
Just too many painful memories here.
Is this about Jessica? No one really thinks you caused her to relapse.
Wow, I never thought of that. I thought she told you all that I injured her with my huge manhood.
Just go.

 

by russman
4-29-17
Falling fast frightened
Who knows where, what, why or who.
Never mind it's me.

 

by russman
4-30-17
Since playing the Black Knight in Monty Python and the Holy Grail.
Devin has worked in many different fields.
He has carved out a niche in the sex toy industry but it has left him unfulfilled. Not literally of course, but then again that was the problem.

 

by russman
5-01-17
Got into a text argument with my work slut today. Apparently I am nasty and have a small dick.
A couple hours later I get another text saying she didn't mean it and wants to go out tomorrow.
But what about my nastiness and small dickedness I responded. Then she sent some cute emojis so all is good.

 

by russman
5-02-17
So how did it go with your slut from work today.
It was great. I took her out for breakfast, then she scored some heroin, shot up and we went to the park.
Gave me a blow job. Scored some more. Then she nodded out. Couldn't wake her up. Started to drive her to hospital. She freaked out and jumped out of the car.
Whatever, if you don't want to tell me what you did just say so.
We ate breakfast and hung out at the mall.

 

by russman
5-03-17
After the fiasco that was yesterday, I have so far today ignored 57 calls, voice mails and texts.
At least in Fatal Attraction the sex looked like it was incredible.
I won't be ignored, Little Dick.

 

by russman
5-04-17
First I punch and force you to do my will.
Then I kick and break whatever spirit you have left.
Now I own you, Bitch.
I think someone needs a cookie.

 

by russman
5-05-17
Despite my best efforts I got another job. It starts Monday.
As best has I can understand it. I believe that it involves repeatedly having sharp sticks poked into my eyes.
Upon further review it appears I'll actually be handling incoming calls for AT&T customers with smart phone issues. Heh, six of one a half dozen of the other.

 

by russman
5-06-17
So what's the occasion? You going to spend your whole Saturday watching the Kentucky Derby with your Mom?
Sure, thought I would just hang out with you this weekend. Gotta rest up for my new job Monday.
I think there is trouble in paradise. Is your little slut mad at you about something?
There may have been a difference of opinion on the way our last date ended.
What did you do, throw her out of a moving car?
C'mon it was pretty well stopped and she wanted out.

 

by russman
5-07-17
I've decided to stop dating for a while. I think it's more important to work on my drinking skills.
I agree I've noticed that you never drink until you throw up anymore.
You're right and you know why? Cause girls don't like you to get drunk. Tonight I shall drink until I either pass out or get sick.
You know I've been doing that for twenty years, Right?
I don't think I've ever given you enough credit for that.
Hey, no big deal, but an attaboy once in awhile would be nice.

 

by russman
5-08-17
Chef Johnny had already decided to give his employer one more chance to get him some decent help.
Every great chef, though to be fair great was rarely a word used to describe Johnny, needs a good sous chef.
Johnny was not amused and the few guests who ordered the fish that night were less than satisfied.

 

by russman
5-09-17
By all that is Holy I will not tolerate the injustice being perpetrated at this place of employment.
How the good people who toil here in obscurity have tolerated this practice for so long both amazes and saddens me.
I swear I shall obtain and bring a thermos of coffee before paying seventy five cents for a cup again.

 

by russman
5-10-17
Working 3-11 has left me with plenty of time for
drinking after work and since I'm not trying to get laid I am drinking to excess which leaves me going home to my new best friend.
A non-judgemental but very disgusting friend.

 

by russman
5-11-17
2017
Drunk Office Games
Golden medal winner

 

by russman
5-12-17
Had to go pick up my last paycheck from the old job today.
Oh I see you do still exist. Did something happen to your phone?
I thought it might be the cops calling asking when I had saw you last.
My office slut was waiting on me to show up.
You didn't even care if I was alright or not.
You know us small dicked guys are notoriously selfish.
It went differently than I expected.
So we going out tonight or what?
I get off at 11, pick you up at 11:30.

 

by russman
5-13-17
Where the hell have you been? Your Mom keeps calling me to find out where you're at.
I was out with blow job picture girl. Things got a little weird. I texted Mom but I thought I would get home last night.
This is so cool. It's like we're back in school.
Except back then, we didn't have the damn cellphone leash permanently attached to us.
Speaking of leash. Did you get a little kinky with the slut?
C'mon you know a gentleman never tells. Now go get us a pitcher. I've got some pictures that might interest you.

 

by russman
5-14-17
Happy Mother's Day.
Look who's back. I hope you had fun this weekend. Not that you cared enough to let me know what you were doing.
You know you don't want to hear about my love life.
God. Please tell me you don't love that slut..
I think it is safe to say it is definitely not love.
That's what I thought when I married your third father.

 

by russman
5-15-17
Without a proper courtroom setting.
Justice in the Stripcreator world seemed arbitrary.
He had now come to doubt the legitimacy of his public defender too.

 

by russman
5-16-17
Hi sweety, is your Mommy home?
Sure, go on in.
Well, your Mom is finally an asstomouthstronaut.
Congratulations, Dad.

 

by russman
5-17-17
Let's start over. I'm sorry.
It'll never work now.
C'mon let's try.
Ok. Knock Knock.
Wait I can use the narration box.
Who's there.
This is just stupid.

 

by russman
5-18-17
What's the plan for this weekend, Mom?
Are you telling me you're staying home?
Sure, you know there's nothing I like better than spending time with the best Mom in the world.
You sure it's not because you don't get paid until next Friday?
Don't ask questions you don't want to know the answer too.
It is the Preakness Saturday. I'll bake bread.

 

by russman
5-19-17
I'm Beginning to think I may have given you too much independence when it comes to harvesting souls.
Just keeping the herd thinned.
I think you made a mistake this time.
I never figured you for a Soundgarden fan.
I'm not but how many 90's alt singers do I need in the choir?
So, are you saying I can't have Eddie Vedder?

 

by russman
5-20-17
Have you heard from the crazy slut lately?
Been over a week. Didn't return my texts or calls. Then out of nowhere today she texts and wants to hook up.
So I text her back with, oh thank you for for your interest. I've got nothing better to do then wait for your call. Let me just change all my plans and come hang out with you.
Where are you going?
I just told you.

 

by russman
5-21-17
You did this to me.
Just doing my job.
But I believed that I would spend eternity in heaven.
Yeah, well I believed I would spend eternity with 72 virgins.
You were a muslim terrorist?
God no. You think they're the only ones who like virgins?

 

by russman
5-22-17
The only think more sad then making comics just for your own amusement.
Is making comics just to amuse the handful of people who might actually read them.
Anyway Bacon, Lunch and Russ walk into a bar.
I've never seen you two at the same time before.
And I said "that's funny because we are both represented by the same charactor". and he said "yeah I get it but it's not that funny".

 

by russman
5-23-17
Did you ever wake up with your sock still on your dick. And then when you try to pull it off, it sticks to it and you have to give it an extra pull.
And then your mom says, "If you're going to fall asleep on the couch at least throw a blanket over you".
Me neither.

 

by russman
5-24-17
Lets do a sour toe cocktail.
What the hell is that.
You get your normal drink and they put a mummified toe in it.
Your drink has a real human toe in it?
Yep you can drink it fast you can drink it slow but your lips must touch the toe.
Ok

 

by russman
5-25-17
So where do you see us in a year from now?
I'll probably be right here. I expect you'll be happily married and living the dream.
I think you and I will still be hanging out. Even if I'm married.
I feel that I should be feeling guilty about that.
Do you want me to leave?
A part of me thinks it would be best. Luckily for me it's not the part I think with.

 

by russman
5-26-17
I'm a big fan of eggs and I don't mind saying so.
Sunny side up is my egg of choice and don't tell be over easy is just as good.
Who wants that little layer of skin between you an the yoke. Isn't that right Consuela.
Sure Mister. But no condom is still twenty bucks extra.

 

by russman
5-27-17
Just started a second job working at a banquet facility on the weekends.
Did that so I would have more money to date with.
Just realized that I left myself no time to actually have a date.

 

by russman
5-28-17
Hey Doc. I'm here for my shot.
All right. Drop your pants and lean over that table.
Jesus, Doc, that hurts.
Hold still it's almost done.
Can I go now, Doc.
Roll your sleave up. Got to go ahead and give you this too.

 

by russman
5-29-17
Spent Memorial with my sister and her husband.
Hey, I've got a corn hole set. Think you can hang with me.
I don't know I've heard of it but never really played it.
C'mon, it got pretty popular while you were locked up.
I'll give it a try.
And they say you don't learn anything in prison.
Screw you. You gotta be the luckiest guy ever.
You don't wanna go double or nothing?

 

by russman
5-30-17
Gabe really did enjoy the squirrels company.
Feeding the squirrels made him feel good. But a guys got to eat.
Roasted squirrel tastes a lot like chicken.

 

by russman
5-31-17
I'm sick and tired of you using me to tell one of your stupid jokes. Everytime you can't come up with something about your own pathetic life you pull out the squirrel card.
So, how about you stick to telling how cool you are because you take advantage of your Mom's generosity. Or how you occasionally get some drug addled slut to give you a blow job before she nods off.
Oh, very funny. Good luck explaining how you happen to have a pink bunnyman in your bedroom to your 13 cool Stripcreator followers.
Don't worry boss. That squirrel doesn't know you at all. 13 followers, everyone knows that at least 10 of those guys quit coming to this site years ago.

 

by russman
6-01-17
You look familiar. Have I meant you someplace.
Not that I know of.
Wait a minute. Are you the one who sent Russ the picture of you sucking some guys dick?
Did he show you that?
No, of course not. I gotta go now.
Open up the door Little Dick. I got a question for you.

 

by russman
6-02-17
It's been more than 4 hours.
What's been more than 4 hours.
You know. Like in the commercial. My erection.
What are you telling me for, I'm not a doctor.
That's right it did say tell your doctor. If Sue in HR says anything tell her it was an honest mistake.

 

by russman
6-03-17
This weekend job is killing me. Too tired to even go get a drink.
Mom did leave me out some milk and cookies though.
I guess DOUBLE STUFF WOULD'VE BEEN TOO MUCH TO ASK.

 

by russman
6-04-17
Mom says I should do what you say. But I can tell her if you make me do anything icky.
I'm not going to make you do anything. We are just going for some ice cream.
Ok. But are you gonna make me lick the ice cream off of your special place?
Who has been watching you? You are seriously messed up.
Well are you?
Yes. But your taking a lot of the fun out of it.

 

by russman
6-05-17
So what do you think you'll bring home from your second job?
What do you mean, bring home?
I mean how much are you going to put in the bank to help with bills?
That kinds of defeats the purpose of working, doesn't it?
What big plans do you have for the money?
Just the necessities. NetFlix, alcohol and sluts. And don't forget someones got a birthday coming up.

 

by russman
6-06-17
Kuchi to base. The transporter is fucked again I'm stuck here in a bedroom with a half a car.
What the Hell.
Hold on Sir. Just a temporary delay. Will have you up where you belong shortly.
What do you mean up where I belong? Where's my wife and the rest of the car?
Here we are. Let's get this over with.
If there is gonna be any anal probing I demand that my my wife receives it too. I've been trying for thirty years and she still won't let me back there.

 

by russman
6-07-17
I can't believe I drove down here for five minutes of that.
You know I've been pretty tired lately.
I've never known being tired to affect size before.
You ever hear about the hot dog in the hallway?
Why do we even hang out?
I was hoping you remembered.

 

by russman
6-08-17
Receiving a mouthful of semen the exact second the bomb dropped may have led to her survival.
Business had been slow ever since.
She had been reduced to barter.

 

by russman
6-09-17
Time to make the doughnuts.
What time will you be home.
My estimation is that it will be about 30 minutes after I get through work.
Make sure you come straight home. I will be waiting up.
Like you've got something better to do on a Friday night.
Will there be hot chocolate?
There might be.

 

by russman
6-10-17
You didn't need to wait up for me.
I thought maybe you might be hungry or want a drink.
Mom, if I want something to eat ot drink I can get it myself. Remember I was married and lived on my own for lots of years.
How did that work out for you?
It sweemed ok until that whole prison thing happened.
Now do you want an egg sandwich or a dippy one with toast?

 

by russman
6-11-17
I bet I can tell you something that will make you both happy and sad.
Go ahead.
Your girlfriend says you've got the biggest dick of all your friends.
Why would that make me sad?
It means your girlfriend is a slut.
I envy your youth.

 

by russman
6-12-17
Thanks for dinner and the loan, Dad. I'll see you next week.
Wait a minute, Son. We just need to make the final arrangements.
What, I'll pay you back Friday after I get my check.
What about the other option we discussed.
I'm not going to kill Mom for a hundred bucks, Dad.
I thought the dinner at Olive Garden might sweeten the deal.

Showing page 9.

« Previous Next »