All comics by Coffee_Party

Profile

 

by Coffee_Party
9-13-11
I'm tired of getting a bum wrap! Tired, I tell you, just tired of it.
If it ails you, I'm to blame 'cause the docs just can't admit they don't know what caused your sickness.
Yeah, tell 'em, dude. You're one kewl butthead
Yo, man, I killed your kind off 65 million years ago. I'm working on the humans now. Get back to your fossil.
Whoops, my bad. Just had to have one last drag.

 

by Coffee_Party
9-14-11
Fantasy
Say Crank, would you do a threesome with Whoopie Goldberg and Barbara Walters?
Ewww, no!
Philosophy
And not for the money, either. I have to take the moral stand here.
Heck, I'd do them for the money. They'd just have to wear a bag over their head.
Reality
Barb, do they really think we'd want them?
Their idiots, Whoopie. We could do better than that even if we didn't have money!

 

by Coffee_Party
9-14-11
Fantasy
Say Crank, would you do a threesome with Oprah Winfrey and Barbara Walters?
Ewww, no!
Philosophy
And not for the money, either. I have to take the moral stand here.
Heck, I'd do them for the money. They'd just have to wear a bag over their head.
Reality
Barb, do they really think we'd want them?
Their idiots, Oprah. We could do better than that even if we didn't have money!

 

Another fight against gay marriage
Someone's over here trying to tell us we can't get married.
You proposed to me? Did I say "yes"?
by Coffee_Party, 9-20-11

 

by Coffee_Party
9-27-11
What good is diversity?
Uh-oh, I hope I don't short circuit on this one.
Diversity erases independent thought and leaves us lacking intellectual depth

 

by Coffee_Party
9-29-11
When the conservative Christian speaks...
Let us pray for the brave pastor in Iran who is about to be executed for not renouncing his faith in Jesus.
Shouln't we have prayed for the three men executed in Iran a few day ago for being gay?
Yes, let us pray for the three men to let Jesus into their hearts so He can make them normal like the rest of us.
...intelligent people clear the room quickly
It's the only way to keep your sanity!

 

It's like what came first? The chicken or the egg?
Well, duh. The egg because I had it for breakfast and then the chicken because I'm going to have it for dinner.
by Coffee_Party, 11-08-11

 

by Coffee_Party
2-29-12
Daily dumbass...
Crank, you'll love today's daily dumbass. It involves nerds, games, and probably a gay guy. You'll never guess what the computer geeks did. Of course, the company....
...Dumbasses of the year
...but enough on sucking down the long necks. The game ended up, you'll never guess where....
JJ, the show went off the air two hours ago. We'll have to finish this story tomorrow.

 

Psst...JJ, I think some of our listeners are onto us about making things up for our daily dumbass reports.
Eh, who cares? If our listeners are drinking a 12-pack of Coors Light for breakfast before tuning us in, they'll still think we're funny.
by Coffee_Party, 3-07-12

 

God, Crank. Look at me. You think that mantyhose a fan sent us will improve my looks?
It says here "stretch the mantyhose over your head, go to the bank for gas money, and hightail it out of town using this map." Give it a shot. It could only be an improvement.
by Coffee_Party, 3-08-12

 

Dover Police: Let us charge you with shoplifting and we'll give you a lifetime of Internet infamy.
by Coffee_Party, 7-15-14

 

Let us charge you with shoplifting and we'll give you a lifetime of Internet infamy. Who needs the courts?
by Coffee_Party, 7-15-14

 

The world according to Matt
Suicide is a cowards way of escaping pain. Be brave. Be a man. Fight the pain with whiskey to the bitter end.
by Coffee_Party, 10-16-14

 

The value of college
Boycott college. You ain't got no need for spending tons of money to drown in rivers of alcohol. There be lots of cheaper ways to drown.
by Coffee_Party, 10-17-14

 

Marriage equality
There is no marriage equality as long as gays can't have children. Marriage is all about sex and the little woman cooking dinner.
by Coffee_Party, 10-19-14

 

by Coffee_Party
10-20-14
Personal responsibility
Three weeks ago you said we would get two posts and a podcast a week. Two weeks ago, you delivered on your promise.
Of course. It's called PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY.
Last week we only got one post! And you tweeted your boss on Friday that you would have an article "8 Reasons why everyone you know will die from Ebola" on Monday.
Hey, someone out there needs a beer....
Well, Monday's come and gone and all we got was an article on homeschooling, a rerun article that you wrote a couple of months ago.
Hold on, there. I work hard staying up late and Googling to gain my life experience and expertise to share with you. Quit being so whiney.

 

Feminism
Feminism has nothing to say, but it still won't shut up.
They aren't the only ones....
by Coffee_Party, 10-27-14

 

Marriage
I've only been married three years so I'm no expert, but marriage shouldn't be wasted on 30 or 40-year-olds. Marry when you're young and poor.
by Coffee_Party, 10-29-14

 

How to stretch the truth
I don’t know how I managed to pay it three years ago when my salary was a whopping 400 bucks a week.
I'll hide the fine print that you forgot to add all the money earned doing radio commercials while DJ'ing at WZBH radio station.
by Coffee_Party, 10-30-14

 

by Coffee_Party
11-04-14
Rights
You have a right to freedom of religion and no one has a right to infringe on that. Not even the gay mafia.
You have a right to free speech. Speak up and be heard! Don't let the liberals and progressives silence you.
You have a right to vote, but half of you voters are idiots. Please stay home and let the people who understand the government vote!

 

Suicide
Life is valuable. We need to put a stop to the death cultists' view that suicide, abortion, and euthanasia are acceptable rights.
Where were you two thousand years ago? I might've chosen a different career path other than suicidal martyrdom.
by Coffee_Party, 11-05-14

 

Parenting
Kids are primitive creatures. Be a parent lest they grow up to be another Lena Dunham. You need to be there every minute of every day of their lives.
Yeah. Who wouldn't want their child to grow up to be just like Matt?
by Coffee_Party, 11-07-14

 

Obama ego
When Obama does this, impeach him. Someone has to stand up to this egomaniacal tyrant.
Is that the pot calling the kettle black or what?
by Coffee_Party, 11-12-14

 

Obama
At this difficult time, I think it is important for both the Palestinians and Israelis to try to work together to lower tensions and to reject violence.
We have one hell of a spineless coward in the White House.
by Coffee_Party, 11-19-14

 

Tweeting...Tweaking
Eighteen tweets in twelve minutes. Dang I'm good. Gotta take a break and go get more bourbon, though.
Thank God it was you making me spit all that garbage out. I thought I was infected with a virus.
by Coffee_Party, 11-20-14

 

Race - Police
I don't have a verdict on that Black guy in NYC, but I know it was over stupid laws...but that #crimingwhilewhite...that's some serious stuff, dude.
Where are the cops wielding choke holds when you need them?
by Coffee_Party, 12-04-14

 

Anger
Question on Rolling Stone story: is it possible to fling a bottle at someone's head, smash it against their face, and not kill them?
Make sure you drank all the bourbon first
by Coffee_Party, 12-09-14

 

by Coffee_Party
1-08-15
Islam
How can we hope to address the challenges of Muslim terrorism when our president says the future doesn't belong to those who slander the prophet?
Yeah! Tell them the truth, Matt, even though they don't want to hear it!
Umm, dude, he said those condemning the fanatics slandering the prophet should also condemn their own fanatics slandering Christians. The future shouldn't belong to the fanatics. That's a bad thing?

 

Marriage
My wife and I weren't destined for each other nor drawn together by fate. We're not bound by karma, but by our choice.
Shhh...I drew the short straw on girls night out. Last time I play that game.
by Coffee_Party, 1-13-15

 

Abortion
If those heterosexual perverts would learn to cross their legs and zip their pants, we wouldn't have abortions, orphanages, and starving children to feed.
Wow, we need to edit that. Let's go with abortion is murder - no exceptions.
by Coffee_Party, 1-23-15

 

Gay is a choice
I may not have done well in high school science, but eight twin studies even I can understand show no genetic link to homosexuality. The moment you say 'ok' to another dude, you chose to be gay.
Right on, Matt! The Internet don't lie!
by Coffee_Party, 3-07-15

 

by Coffee_Party
4-02-15
Christian Rights
I got the atheist over there making fun of my God. Got the fag over there with pictures of his boyfriend. Got the corporate puppet telling me I can't preach in the breakroom.
I can't work in this hostile environment. Thank God for the Religious Freedom Restoration Act. They'll have to praise God, take their fag pictures down, and listen to my preaching or find a new job.
Matt for Prez! Matt for Prez!

 

Hillary Clinton
No, it isn't time for a woman to be president. How can she pretend to be President and still have dinner on the table at six for Bill?
She's too old to be barefoot and pregnant. Maybe she could use that free time to be President!
by Coffee_Party, 4-13-15

 

Blogging
Yeah I decided to take it down. I rarely do that, but I realized I was just venting and it didn't really have any informational or entertainment value.
Oh no! Say it can't be true...you didn't take your whole blog down, did you?
by Coffee_Party, 5-19-15

 

Internet Internet - Trolls
Hey Matt! You haven't been on Twitter all week. Are you giving up on your writing career or something?
No way! It's that all them trolls on Twitter are mean to me...errr...I mean all those trolls on Twitter are beyond my saving them so I let them wallow in their lies in the dark they created.
by Coffee_Party, 5-21-15

 

Religion - Demons
There was a horrifying situation in Indiana where several objective observers investigated a home allegedly infested by demons. Lesson: don't let your kids play with demons.
Call Demonix! They'll rid your home of demons, liberals, progressives, gays, trannys, Blacks, cockroaches, and other pests - and they'll keep them away with their monthly preventive plan!
by Coffee_Party, 6-03-15

 

Race
Ferguson, New York, Baltmore, McKinney, and now DC. Good material! Now they're throwing stuff at the police and elected officials. My fans will love this article!
Umm, you may want to reconsider this one. The story you're writing on is about the DC zoo keepers trying to get the chimpanzees to stop throwing their poo at zoo visitors.
by Coffee_Party, 6-09-15

 

Patriotism
Here’s the truth: I am not happy with this country, and you shouldn’t be, either. I am disappointed in it. It disgraces itself. It turns from God. It kills its young. It attacks the family.
My database shows many people embracing their civic duties and social responsibilities to make us better. Should I pad your résumé so you look like you've done more than bang out jibberish on a blog
by Coffee_Party, 7-04-15

 

Donald Trump
Conservatives don’t need a blubbering, narcissistic nitwit making a mockery of their positions. Conservatism doesn’t need Donald Trump.
Oh my! I think that thing on top of Trump's head has taken control of Matt's body. Matt sounds just like that narcissistic nitwit.
by Coffee_Party, 7-20-15

 

by Coffee_Party
8-18-15
Abortion
Hey, folks, come join me at The Grill in Reisterstown for an evening I call Abortion and Burgers!
Oh God, I hope there's no dead baby jokes here. That's so seventies.
Join me for a meal of great burgers followed by my talk about murdering babies and selling their dismembered body parts to the ghouls in research labs.
Too late. Maybe this is really a PETA ploy to turn us all into vegetarians or something.

 

Projection
I get that Trump supporters like him because he's a pathetic, whiny, thin skinned narcissist... Actually, no I still don't get it
Careful, son. That thing on top of my head is your Daddy so show some respect and quit being an insolent SOB
by Coffee_Party, 8-25-15

 

Real men
A man becomes a man when he becomes a father and husband. No reason to be offended.
Does that mean your old way of let-the-ruler-measure-the-man is out? That way was sooo much more fun.
by Coffee_Party, 10-07-15

 

Hostility
I gave a speech at Catholic University. Most hostile audience I've ever had. Protesters held a gay rights banner. Sad times in our culture.
My God! What will those hostile heathens want next? A group hug or something?
by Coffee_Party, 4-14-16

 

Writing
I can't say much about it, but I'm writing a book due to be out soon. I can say it's sure to REALLY outrage a lot of people, but I hope it is also a source of insight, motivation.
Yipee! Gotta dig out my Colorama pencils for a new volume of coloring fun!
by Coffee_Party, 4-19-16

 

Colleagues
Rep. Steve King invited me to talk to a small group of conservative lawmakers. We had a great discussion about the state of western civilization and the struggle to reclaim our culture.
Hold on! Ain't he the rep who dropped out of college when he didn't need to dodge the draft anymore? And didn't he claim he was Latino 'cause he ate burritos at Taco Bell?
by Coffee_Party, 5-25-16

 

Baby Parts
Planned Parenthood is evil! They're selling baby parts to the highest bidder! It's all caught on video!
OMG! It's true! Right here on Craig's List under TOYS...spare baby doll parts for sale. Why ain't the mainstream Media reporting this atrocity?
by Coffee_Party, 4-05-17

 

Climate Change
Christians shouldn't call themselves "environmentalist." Respecting God's creation has always been part of the deal.
Yeah! Don't those looney libs remember when we used to set our rivers on fire to keep the fish and the homeless living under the bridges warm?
by Coffee_Party, 4-22-17

 

How's that again?
Being pro-property rights is NOT the same as pro-slavery. Many property rights people want to help plantation owners get the labor they need.
You mean Trump has made it legal for us to own Black people again?
by Coffee_Party, 8-05-17

 

by Coffee_Party
10-28-21
Governor Hogan's it's-all-about-me moment in the spotlight
Look at me! I'm a star with BIG plans and ideas no one has ever thought of!
Oh Lord. Not him again. Breathing right in my face with no protection...I just know I'm going to catch COVID or something.

 

There once was a man from Maryland Who lived in his very own fairyland He jumped on stage and cried “No, I haven't lied!” And the people sank low in his marshland
After decades of gridlock, I’m proud to have helped push the federal government to finally act.
And I thought I was full of it!
by Coffee_Party, 11-06-21

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