All comics by DJWeeman

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by DJWeeman
7-12-03
Welcome my friends to the comics made from the evil mind of DJWeeman.
We may only hope that his crass humor, or lack of humor, is not found offensive to small children and the elderly.
Not like I give a shit if he cusses.
...See what i mean?

 

by DJWeeman
7-12-03
You can't do a whole lot here man. This is where evil reigns.
I have full confidence that DJWeeman will learn to be a civilized and respectable man.
Meanwhile...
I bet you slept with plenty of guys back in the day didn't you?
Oh my..
There you go
That boy needs help

 

by DJWeeman
7-12-03
It only makes sense really..
What does?
Why he would do what i tell him to do instead of you.
Why is that?
I'm sexier.
.... You do have firm abs.

 

by DJWeeman
7-12-03
I think DJWeeman reached a new low.
That's not good.
DJWeeman puts on the moves.
So, you must be 10 at least right?
I don't know you.
Well, we can get to know each other.
I'm scared.

 

by DJWeeman
7-12-03
Honestly though, 8 years isn't that big a difference.
You could almost be my daddy.
Oh yeah, i'll be your daddy.
But.. but you're not.
The old built in indicator says otherwise.
Why do your pants look different?

 

by DJWeeman
7-12-03
I guess this means you don't like me?
I never did.
That's pretty harsh for a little kid.
Well, my parents are pretty bad sometimes.
Do they poke you with sticks and make you touch bad things?
Okay, they're not that bad.

 

by DJWeeman
7-12-03
Yeah, i remember back when i was a kid.
The past..
I told you.. eat the sausage.
That doesn't look like a sausage to me
I still don't think that was a sausage...

 

by DJWeeman
7-12-03
It's a good thing i've grown up since then. So much more knowledgable.
Moments later.
Want to try this suspicious looking pill?
Sure.
Much more knowledgable. Like knowing you never turn down something free.

 

by DJWeeman
7-12-03
Something tells me i shouldnt have tried the pill
At least it lets me meet old friends.
I'm not a friend, i'm a beetle you jackass.
Shouldn't acid trips be more happy?
Might be nicer if you weren't taking only the free pills.

 

by DJWeeman
7-12-03
Tell me drug induced beetle, how is it here in the depths of my mind?
It's creepy, even for me.
How so?
You know that little indian girl you saw before? I see her all the time now.
So you're new in these parts?
I feel violated.

 

by DJWeeman
7-12-03
A meeting is called:
DJWeeman, we have a problem.
What is it?
Recent studies show your mind has deteriorated another 50%.
It's that bad?
In his mind:
And to think this used to be his thoughts of school.
You really don't want to see the thoughts of the students.

 

by DJWeeman
7-12-03
Is there any way i can save it?
Yes, but its not pretty. We need Captain Pickle.
Headquarters:
The bulge in my underpants tells me someone needs me.
Always at the wrong time..

 

by DJWeeman
7-12-03
Our hero arrives:
Thanks for coming Captain Pickle.
My pleasure, really.
Umm.. can i ask you a question?
Sure.
Why are you on your knees?
He's on to me.

 

by DJWeeman
7-15-03
Captain, we need your help.
I do all i can.
We need you to um.. to umm...
...You're on drugs aren't you?
Maybe..
Why does that turn me on?

 

by DJWeeman
7-15-03
Young man, you'll be happy to know i found a way to save your mind.
Heavy medication?
That's plan B. But for now, i will try to wrastle down all your inappropriate thoughts and have my way with them.
Hows that supposed to help?
I'm supposed to help?
I should have called the little indian girl to help..

 

by DJWeeman
7-15-03
Come out, scum and villians. I'm here to have my way with you.
Nothing bad here you faggot. Just us drug induced beetles, and little indian girls.
You there. Halt in the name of Captain Pickle.
What did i do wrong?
You were walking around without my number.
I'm scared... again.

 

by DJWeeman
7-15-03
Fine feathered flapper, frolic in my friendly and fashionable fruit of the looms!!
I'm just DJ's memories of foster farm corndogs.
Well, you pleasurable piece of poultry, i've got a corn dog in my pants for you.
...What?
You going to stand there in shock or please my pulsing pickle?
Dear God he's worse then DJ. God save us all.

 

by DJWeeman
7-15-03
Well DJWeeman, i pretty well cleared your mind.
Thats weird, i still see some stuff still around there.
I can't feel anything below my waist.
He touched my in all sorts of wrong ways.
You allright man? Speak to me.
I feel so wrong...

 

by DJWeeman
7-17-03
Back on the streets:
Well, i guess that's good enough. Thanks again Captain Pickle.
No problem young delinquent.
.. You can go now.
Aren't i getting paid or something?
I thought you were doing that for the good of our nation or something.
You're dumber than i thought.

 

by DJWeeman
7-17-03
Um.. the demon will pay you.
I'm already there.
Back with the demon:
I'm supposed to do what?
It's my payment you sexy monster. It's the only way.
A few hours later:
I've never felt so drained before.
Did i ever tell you that you have very nice abs?

 

by DJWeeman
7-17-03
Well, things have been pretty calm with Captain Pickle gone.
Almost makes me feel lonely.
Little indian girl you still up there?
Sadly enough, yes.

 

by DJWeeman
7-17-03
Did i ever tell you that you have beautiful eyes?
I'm only 7.
I could have swore you were ten.
You said that so you would feel better about your lustful feelings for me.
Oh. So, we can still go out right?
I want to go home.

 

by DJWeeman
7-18-03
Allright, i've heard that one enough. I'm taking you home.
Really? Yay!!
That's right. You can go now.
Wow, this is great.
... this was supposed to be where you confessed your undying affections for me.
My what?

 

by DJWeeman
7-18-03
I'm going to try this one last time babe. Do you love me?
No. I never did. And never will.
There you go again with the harshness.. *cries*
I'm sorry.
..Can i have a hug?
Certainly not from me.

 

by DJWeeman
7-18-03
DJ, we need to talk.
Sure devil guy, what about?
We've had 2,345 native americans call in about your tryign to seduce the small child.
Oh... were they hot?
You're really not getting my point.
I wonder what the little indian girl is doing right now.

 

by DJWeeman
7-18-03
Well DJ, i hope you're happy. Our little indian girl ran away.
Oh. Man.
Thus leaving us to scramble for some other sorts of characters to fill her spot.
Well, i can always flirt with you.
You really would?
You have some nice abs.

 

by DJWeeman
7-18-03
DJ, we brought in someone to take the indian girls spot.
I hope they're hot.
Back on the streets:
I don't know this place. I'm scared.
You're the replacement for a little indian girl?
The ad said someone who liked corn and cute guys.
Female is a good thing too.

 

by DJWeeman
7-19-03
Well, umm, i can still take the new spot right?
Hmm, can you tell me some of your qualifications?
I once won a hot dog eating contest. Here's the pictures.
Impressive..... these don't look like hotdogs..
Oh, oh gosh. Wrong pics, i'm sorry.
Oh no...think clean thoughts, think clean thoughts.

 

by DJWeeman
7-19-03
Well, anything better then your last... credentials?
I once got a medal for holding my breath underwater the longest.
Jon, i have a question for you?
Go ahead.
You have any qualifications that don't make you sound homosexual?
Not that i know of...

 

by DJWeeman
7-19-03
How you liking the new guy?
He, kind of ran away.
Ran away? Why?
I told him i didn't like homosexual relationships.
Oh. That guy complimented my abs too.
That's understandable.

 

by DJWeeman
7-19-03
It's really kind of nice having less people around here. More space.
Well, except you.
I will always be here my son.
You mean that religiously speaking right?
Well, yes, and i did also rock the bed springs with your mother a few times as well.

 

by DJWeeman
7-19-03
So you're really my dad?
It may be my son.
Oh wow, that's great.
I'm glad to know you have taken this truth so well.
So now i can do all sorts of bad things and it doesn'te ven matter. This is great.
... We may need to review some things.

 

by DJWeeman
7-19-03
Rule number one, you can not do anything you please.
Does that include sex, drugs or rock and roll?
Well, two of the three.
So, i can have sex?
If you're married, yes.
That may be a problem.. ten years and we might be okay though.

 

by DJWeeman
7-19-03
Another thing to keep in mind. You shouldn't cuss.
What do i say if i get mad then?
Well, most people of the faith say nonsensical words.
So, get mad i'll end up looking like an idiot?
Pretty much.
That... smells like... tuna.. salad..junk.. I don't think i can get used to this one man.

 

by DJWeeman
7-19-03
Here's a Bible to get you on the right path my friend.
The right path?
Yes, so you might be better to those around you and yourself.
I really don't care much about myself to be honest.
Well, then for others.
Are they hot?

 

by DJWeeman
7-19-03
I've been reading your book man, good stuff.
I'm glad you enjoyed it.
Especially the part where the lady was bathing on the roof. And then the guy got killed fighting. And the army drowned..
And the teachings in there too right?
Teachers? Glad i missed that part.
I'll be praying for you.

 

by DJWeeman
7-19-03
You know, i've been wondering.
What is it?
Why didn't they make more chapters in this thing? Preferably including dragons, and partial nudity.
Because its a holy book.
The bullet holes were kind of a turn off.
Interesting, i could have sworn you'd find them a turn on.

 

by DJWeeman
7-26-03
Father, is cyber sex a sin?
Since you are dwelling on lustful thoughts and leading yourself into unwholesome relationships, yes.
I think I have a friend you should meet then.
I'd be glad to help.
I thought he was going to hook me up with a hot guy.
... I don't count as one?

 

by DJWeeman
7-26-03
And so they met:
What seems to be the problem young woman?
First, A/S/L.
Forty, male, and i'm right in front of you.
Sounds hot.
I feel I've been taken away from my previous question.
Were you going to ask my bra size?

 

by DJWeeman
7-26-03
DJ tells me you have a serious problem.
Oh you bet i do. I met this hot guy online from MI but he won't cyber with me anymore.
Would you care to address this internet problem as a whole?
You can get him to love me again?
I don't work miracles.
No love for him.

 

by DJWeeman
7-26-03
Priest, you don't have to worry about my problem anymore.
Very good. You no longer vent your sexual frustration online?
What are you talking about? I meant DJ found me another guy.
He's really not helping me here.
At DJ's:
Hope that helps a bit dude.
It helped a ton man. I've never seen so much action.

 

by DJWeeman
7-26-03
I wonder what John is up to now.
I am a computer. Pleased to meet you all. Oh no, that gay thing is looking at me again.
In another room:
I wonder what my man is up to.
Why must she always do this?
Ohh, Johns online!
Thats a girl you idiot.

 

by DJWeeman
7-26-03
A few months later:
He.. he's.. a girl? All this time?
About time he got it. Freaking Sherlock Holmes here.
What will I ever tell my friends?
That you're an idiot?
I got it. I'll tell them she was bi.
I really hope this stuff only happens online.

 

by DJWeeman
7-26-03
At her place:
That's my luck. I find a nice guy and he's gay.
You didn't find him at all. DJ introduced you two.
Good thing i always have websites.
Oh no.
They'll never leave me.
She's so lucky i can't talk.

 

by DJWeeman
7-26-03
DJWeeman, you are no longer allowed to make any more matches.
No more matches? But it's what i do best.
I'm sorry sir. I'm just following orders.
I had always thought i was great with matches
Later that day:
I'm sorry man. That's what the cop said.
Man, no more matches. We'll still be able to hang though right?

 

by DJWeeman
7-26-03
Sir, you continued to try and put people together even after we told you to stop.
Yeah, I did stop smoking.
We just wanted you to stop making horrible couples.
Sure thing sir.... You want to meet a fine chick?
How old is she?
She's young. But i'll tell you man, she's a keeper.

 

by DJWeeman
7-26-03
At a special place:
I was supposed to meet her here but i don't see her.
Are you the man that was going to give me candy?
You're even more beautiful then I thought you'd be.
Why does this always happen to me?
Follow me babe. I'll get you some treats.
I can't look at candy the same way anymore.

 

by DJWeeman
7-26-03
Oh shoot. Run man, a cop is coming.
See you soon. Peace.
I'm sorry officer. It will never happen again.
I'll let it slide DJ. still owe you for hooking me up with my little fruit smoothie.
You still doing okay my little honey nugget?
Why does he always call me food names?

 

by DJWeeman
7-26-03
You know, i've been thinking cupcake.
About food?
No. I was thinking that maybe 35 years is a pretty big age gap.
Smart. Someone graduated grade school.
And so. If anyone asks, you're my daughter.
Such a noble man.

 

by DJWeeman
7-26-03
A special message:
I just wanted to take a moment to thank all those reading this comic, now fifty comic strips long..
You had to go through a lot of bad thoughts to reach this point.
I'm sorry if we insulted your religion in any way.
And I hope we do much more in the comics to come.
Now excuse us as we leave to go to the backstage party.
I don't want to miss the two midgets that are going to fight over an apple.

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