All comics by ELN

 

by ELN
6-08-05
A Couple of Losers Shooting Chit
Gosh, Scott. Sorry. Gee, that jury didn't believe any of those stories I made up. But, hey there are lots of opportunities for self-improvement at San Quentin, so have at it, Big Guy.
Ah, gee Mark. It doesn't matter. After the gypsies, tramps and thieves killed my family, I knew I had nothing to live for.
Another Couple of Losers Shooting Chit
Hey, Scott. Lookin' good. I'm lovin the new do. Ma will too. She and Pa got lippie with the guards again, so didn't get in. Maybe next month they will be nice. Ha! Fat Chance!
Right Janey! Who the He11 cares about Ma and Pa comin to see me. As long as they keep cashola in my commissary account, I could care less. You too for that matter.
Still Another Couple of Losers Shooting Chit
Waaaaaaah. Guuuuuaaaaaaard! I came to see Scott Perfectson, not this loser! I demand to see my little Scooter!
Yo, Ma. Put the eyes back in the sockets and chill. Take a couple swigs on that tank and settle in. It's me, Scooter Dude. Lookin' mighty, freakin' baaaad. Mark told me to do this. OK Mommy?

 

by ELN
6-09-05
Bubbles, now run and tell Michael that I left all my art supplies for him.
OK Mr. Gacy.
Tinkerbell, Tinkerbell. Go tell Michael that John Wayne left art for him.
OK Bubbles! Michael will be so proud and happy to get a present from THE John Wayne.
Prince! Michael is getting a present from John Wayne!
Cool Tink. John Wayne, WOW! But, who's Michael?

 

by ELN
6-09-05
The Gullible Smiley Guy Reappears
Gracious good evening. I am Pastor Smiley. Well, lord knows not the real Pastor Smiley, but the bald smiley one who counseled dear Jen and John. Questions anyone?
Granny Exposes the BornAgain Virgins
Paster, oh Jen and John were naughty. Can't fool me. All that nasty talk Jennifer told the FBI didn't come from nowhere, if ya know what I mean. Can Jesse Jackson keep Jen out of the slammer?
Superfly Looks for Another Mark
Granny, gotcha covered. Now that Mez has sent me packin, I'm available for prayin duty on the deck with the menfolk of Atlanta. What? Jen's white? Nebermind! (Just send coin to JesseJackson.com)

 

by ELN
6-18-05
Habitual Liars Meet
JENNIFER !
JACKIE !
Pursuing Fame
You little scammer, con artist and commie! How come you got a book deal and an interview with Katie Cupcake and no publisher wants to publish my book?
Well, Jackie, I have breast implants, cut my own hair, make a habit of shoplifting, talk dirty to the FBI and my snook'ums is a warm and loving dolt.
Desparate Enablers
LEEEEE! Ya cold old goat. Get me my scissors, call Dr. Boobilicous and take me to the mall. Call the FBI and tell them I'm loopy. I need that book deal to prove Scooter's guilt, oops, innocence!
Yes dear. Ya ole battleaxe. Go crawl in a hole. Nobody cares about us anymore.

 

by ELN
6-19-05
Jennifer's Lapdog John Watches the Interview
Look Pastor Smiley. It's Jennifer on the Today Show with Katie Cupcake. Oh, I just love my little bug-eyed Jennipooh. Praise the Lord. Jenn, tell us about the bad people!
Let us pray. Dear God, thank you for returning precious pampered pedicured Jennifer to us. Help us understand the life or death decisions a common criminal is faced with on her wedding eve.
Tough, Tough Questioning
Jennifer let's get started. Was the hotel comfy? Did you enjoy the harbor tour? Do your eyes bother you? How was dinner last night? How do you like our weather? Tell us about your ORDEAL.
Oh, Katie. Everything was just peachy. I'm a pretend Georgia peach, ya know. Now, about my ORDEAL. First she climbed over my head, beep, beep. Then he took off my pants beep, beep. Then he was...
Failed Treatment?
Jennifer, Jennifer, sweetie. This is daytime programming. Kids are eating breakfast. You really shouldn't talk like that. Please, let's start again.
OK Katie. My "stupid issues" must be controlling me. I'll start again. John loves smut. Well, first she climbed over my head, beep, beep. Then he took off my pants beep, beep. Then he was...

 

by ELN
6-22-05
Another Day at Casa del Perfectson in San Diego
LEEE! LEEEEEEEEEE! LEEEEEEEEEEEEE!! Ya ole goat! Get me Mrs. Van Der Stoop's phone number in Aruba and make it snappy before I kick your azz!
Ah, go suck air you ole battleaxe! Get your own phone numbers witch. Can't you see that I'm tired and crabby.
The Mothers Gullible
Hellooooo, Mrs. Van Der Sloot. It's Jackie Peterson from Solona Beach calling. How are you dear? Lee & I raised a "confident", "good boy" although most think he's an arrogant, buck-toothed killer.
Oh, Mrs. Peterson. Thank you for calling. What am I to do? When Urine has to piddle at night he always leaves the house and goes to the casino. He would never harm anyone!
Sweet Ever Helpful Jackie
Well dear, I know, as my Scooter would never harm Laci either. Since there is no DP in Aruba, you should be safe calling 1-800-geragoof. This way Urine will only get LWOP. Let's do tea someday! OK?

 

by ELN
10-01-05
A Day at Rancho del Monkey
Do you want a banana Molly?
No Holly, bananas have too much potassium. I want a big strong man to lift me out of my feeble dietetic dietician life.
Sisterly Advice
Well, gosh Molly. There are lots of strong men in the circus. They do dangerous stunts, crack whips and know all about getting insurance in case of an accident.
Gee, Holly. I dunno. I'm feeling like that isn't such a good idea. Ya know, Mom and Dad are independently wealthly so maybe I'll just go back to Bloomington and sing da blues.
Monkey Speak, Monkey Do
Molly, don't be silly. Do something that will get you out of your funk. Marry a blonde eastern block hunk. Let him take out a huge insurance policy on you. It's a good idea. Really. Go for it.
Say, did I ever tell you about my sister Molly? Yep married the man of my dreams and has been the source of all my success ever since! Thanks sis! Don't slip on the peel on your way out!

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