All comics by Marcusk

 

by Marcusk
11-23-15
You know I usually don't go home with a guy on the first date
Oh boy..A live one..
You have an odd looking house..you aren't a serial killer or anything are you?
Retired one..had issues hiding the bodies
anyway..I hear you're into playing games..what KIND of games will you teach me?
Hold on..I got the new WWE 2k16 right in the car!

 

by Marcusk
11-23-15
So how did your date go last night?
Ehh..she's not really my type I guess...
You didn't force her to play video games all night did you?
Well..I...ummm
Marcus..Girls aren't interested in that..its not what we do best..
No? She beat me 5 straight times using Heath Slater...

 

by Marcusk
11-23-15
C'mon and ring you stupid phone...RING already
Oh forget it..they say a watched phone never rings..
Its true..we tend to be shy

 

by Marcusk
11-23-15
...And we're gonna rock..ahh yeah rock...everybody rock..
That girl just rocks..ya know she rocks..yeah my baby rocks..
note to self..Buy rockin' robbie a thesauras for X-mas
ROCK, ROCK, ROCK ROOOCK..ROCK..

 

by Marcusk
11-23-15
"Col Hogan.. I see Noooooothing..noooothing..."
" Lamont..you big DUMMY..."
FINALLY a comedy show..
" Welcome to MSNBC..."

 

by Marcusk
11-23-15
Explain to me again why we are having a production meeting in a graveyard
Inspiration will..when I need it I come here..
And by standing here among the dead you somehow channel their energy?
Now you're catching on..
And it has nothing to do with those flowers you just took off that grave and tossed in the car?
Shops were all closed my man.. got a hot date..they won't miss them

 

by Marcusk
11-23-15
And so adding keyboards to this tune is really just overkill dude..
I'm not sure what you're going for but in my professional opinion its totally unnecessary...
Funny..thats exactly what my last producer said...May he rest in peace..
I'll go hook up the Korg..won't be a minute..
Wonder if theres time to run for pizza?

 

by Marcusk
11-23-15
But If you are the only one who can see me..How do I know I even exist?
Not this again..
Maybe I'm just some twisted figment of your imagination..maybe I'm just..
Allow me to set your mind at ease
Very funny..You know how easy I burn..
Smells like Teen spirit..

 

by Marcusk
11-23-15
Uh oh...we're busted
Ok, where is he?
Why whatever do you mean my good man..??
Zoltan..I warned you both about playing star wars in my den again didn't I?
Use the force...USE THE FORCE..
Damn..nothing gets out Ketchup

 

by Marcusk
11-23-15
Sorry Marcus..but he's just not what we're looking for..
C'mon coach..no ones perfect first time out. Give him another chance..
I'm sorry..Are you going to tell him or should I...
No..I'll tell him..poor guys gonna be crushed
Sorry Biggie..the mascot gig is out
Oh well..back to "Mountain monsters"

 

by Marcusk
11-23-15
You know Marcus..our deal is nearly done..I gave you what you asked for and soon you must pay
Think again..I've been looking over our contract and I think you're out of luck
What do you mean..our deal was binding for all eternity...
Funny thing about that deal is...it was never NOTERIZED...
Sneaky bastard..
Sucker...

 

by Marcusk
11-23-15
I just LOVE watching Celebrity poker..
Ya know we really should get a game together..maybe I'll call up the boys..are you in?
I'd love to..but alas I am short of cash at the moment
No worries..I'll be happy tostake you..
If you'll pardon the expression..
No..I don't think I will..

 

by Marcusk
11-23-15
Marcus will be home soon Olaf..Is the Lasagna nearly done?
Vat Lasagna.?.I hear he say to Drac he vant eat something different..
I think " Maybe he go crazy" but he say " Drac..tonight I vant to eat some..."
Wait until the ASPCA hears about THIS..
Does this mean no " Hot dog" either...?

 

by Marcusk
11-23-15
Hmmm Guess Marcus isn't home....
?
This may be a good time to see what he gets up to on the internet....
Hahahahahaha..Self destruct mode activated!
Ahhhhhhhhhh!!!!

 

by Marcusk
12-22-15
Naughty or nice
Its hard deciding if you've been naughty or nice this year
Depends on your definition I guess..
Its all in the definition
Hmm..well whats YOUR definition of naughty?
See what that elf is doing to Rudolph..?
Have a MERRY CHRISTMAS!
Little bastard..I warned him about that..
Naughty man..naughty..

 

by Marcusk
6-10-16
Look, I told you no coming down to my library room
I know you can't help it but..well..you kinda give off this...ODOR...
Ok THAT one was me....sorry...

 

by Marcusk
6-10-16
See? I vas right wasn't I?
Looks like it...
Vat do you intend to do about it?
ME? Its YOUR coffin dude
I thought that beast of yours was housebroken?
Yeah..well I mean its not on the FLOOR at least..

 

by Marcusk
6-10-16
How can I convince you this next CD has to be more commercial Macus?
Stupid hippie
I mean..We ALL want to make some green dont we?
Tell ya what..discuss it with my manager ok?
Would you mind if I suugested he cover " Dont fear the reaper"??
Stupid hippie

 

by Marcusk
6-18-16
Spicy garlic chicken please..and make it EXTRA hot...
I mean on FIRE sweetie..
Might be a language barrier issue...

 

by Marcusk
6-18-16
So...you have any Irish in you cutie?
Umm a little I think...
How would you like a LOT of Irish in you?
%&(*^())
Kane is it..you got any Irish in you?
I'm swedish...

 

by Marcusk
6-18-16
You beat Marcus at Mortal Kombat Drac?
I slaughtered him vith my special move
Wow..How did he take it..He HATES losing..
He vas so angry I thought he...LOOKOUT!
I CREATED you I can ERASE you...
Ve lose more characters that way...

 

by Marcusk
6-18-16
This paintings are FABULOUS..I must buy one..how much?
$500 a shot pal..your choice
The one on the left is SO thought provoking & intricate..so deep...its really amazing ..I'll TAKE it!
Cool..enjoy it
BTW what do you call this work of artistic genius anyway?
Its called " Tripped on the F**CKING cat while painting my ceiling"

 

by Marcusk
6-18-16
" "CHINA... Build a WALL....HUUUUGE....I can tell you.....Mexico....win Bigly....I'm a winner..I win..its what I do.
"Trump is racist.Trump is anti women..Trump is a bully..I'm a woman...I rule..I'm not under inv" CHINA...WALL....HUUUUGE.estigation I'm ABOVE the law..".
FINALLY some educational programming
"WELCOME TO MONDAY NIGHT RAW!!!"

 

by Marcusk
6-18-16
CHINA....Build a WALL....HUUUUUGE...Mexico will pay...I'm a winner..I win..Thats what I do...Win Bigly..
Trumps a racist..Trumps anti women..Trumps a bully..I'm a woman so I rule..FBI?? not ME..I'm above the law"
FINALLY some educational TV
" WELCOME TO MONDAY NIGHT RAW!!!

 

by Marcusk
6-18-16
So..you LIVE here? I mean its kinda creepy don't you think?
Creepy? Nah...in FACT I THINK you might find it kinda romantic...
Oh really...Well that DOES sound kind of...WHAT THE HELL IS THAT??
????
Does this mean you won't be requiring the olive oil and fuzzy cuffs sir?
Yeah..and see if you can get a refund on the vibrating ball pit..

 

by Marcusk
11-29-16
Ray gun activated..awaiting target
Not this again...
Preparing to defend...
How many times do I have to tell you?
I come in peace..
This is NOT what Trump meant by " Illegal aliens"

 

by Marcusk
11-29-16
So I'm not much for blind dates..you say she's a real swinger?
Trust me..she's loads of fun..
???!!!
My name is Lilith..lets both sell our souls to satan He lives in the crane machine..come, he awaits..
Is she still looking for me?
Nah.. yer good..she's got her arm stuck in the crane machine

 

by Marcusk
11-29-16
I've never been in a place like this...this I can tell you..never..I've been many places but..
Yeah well its for a good cause..you got this guy scared to death
I'm trying to make America great again...Big league..gotta get tough..HUUUGE issues...
I know..I know..but he gets nervous with all that deportantion & building walls talk..here he comes talk to him..
A wall.a big, beautiful wall..you'll like it...I know how to build walls...big league..
My planet is NOT paying for it!

 

by Marcusk
11-29-16
I am prepared to defend my rights
Umm..not sure you actually have any down here...thats a complicated issue..
on my planet we welcome all species..this is a hostile planet
no one can even REACH your planet except your species dude..
others lack of technology is not OUR problem
Wonder if Trumps still not taking my phone calls?

 

by Marcusk
11-29-16
Your leader was not such an evil human after all..
Well I'm glad thats settled...
He explained his quest..and I have agreed to help in it
HELP? How can you help..?
Hands up criminal..intergalactic border guard. you WILL be disintegrated..
I can't stand it..

 

by Marcusk
11-29-16
We have crime..too much I can tell you..do you have crime on your planet?
We are a civilized race..we do not act like humans
I'm sure you have great people..but on Earth we have a HUUUGE issue with illegals..
How can a human be illegal if he is on his home planet?
How can you be legal and be on ours?
The earthling is smarter than he looks..

 

by Marcusk
12-03-16
Hey Ed..how did Marcus do shopping for the toy drive?
I don't want to talk about it Blade..
Oh c'mon..It couldn't have been THAT bad..
No? to clear the crowd he set fire to a shopping cart in the parking lot..
Well that isn't TOO bad..for Marcus
I was IN it at the time...

 

by Marcusk
12-03-16
You still sore I set you on fire?
Oh no..I LIKED having to jump into a snow bank head first....
Look, I'm sorry..but why were you in the shopping cart in the first place?
I was going to try riding the ice patch in the parking lot..if its any of your business...
Well..I guess I may as well return the present I got you then...Chewbacca head bedroom slippers..
Apology accepted!!

 

by Marcusk
12-03-16
C'mon..tis the season...
I'm NOT doing a SB productions Xmas video...forget it!
Its GREAT promotion for you..I got everything all set up and ready
Well unset it..I'm not a holiday cheer type guy...
What the Hell am I going to tell the 3 HO HO HO girls I hired to be your elves?
On second thought I AM in the mood to jingle a few belles...

 

by Marcusk
12-08-16
Why do you let him get away with this kinda thing?
Well..he DOES do some good things around xmas...
Yeah..set me on fire..pick up toy store cashiers and sing xmas carols in death metal voice..
Still..maybe I COULD use a new helper..how bad can it be..?
I told ya before..its " Ho ho ho" not Boo Boo Boo"
Couldn't I just be the ghost of Xmas PAST...?

 

by Marcusk
12-08-16
If you're looking for Marcus he went to get a pizza...
He told me to tell you not to count on him tonight..he's gonna drive the pizza chick home after work...
Vee were supposed to go to the horror movie marathon..that guy is a real pain in the neck...
.Takes one to know one...

 

by Marcusk
12-08-16
For ME...??
Santa didn't want you to be left out this Xmas...take it!
Nah..I mean I appreciate the offer but I already have everything I want..
Santa knows the things people most desire...open it up!
I guess good things really DO come in small packages...!
I was told there would be pizza?

 

by Marcusk
12-18-16
Blade have you seen Marcus? Its almost time for the carol singing...
His producer just went to get him..He was working on some decoractions
Excuse me Todd..Have you seen Marcus?
He's in the back but he's not in a good mood..He's having trouble building a snowman...
Works WAY better with a model...
The musicians union will here of this...

 

by Marcusk
12-18-16
Oh no..He got out again....Third time this week!
Mr Flutterbee...C'mon back and get in your cage...you know you can't fly around loose down here
Is this about me cancelling your HBO again..?
AND my Netflix Marcus..AND my netflix..

 

by Marcusk
4-14-19
Look, I've already told you I'm busy. Shouldn't you be out stalking the night anyway?
But Marcus..Vee never hang out anymore..
Oh Ok..But I'm telling you ahead of time it sounds like a boring idea..
I promise you..Its a thrill like none other...
Ok..Cemetary frisbee golf IS kinda cool I guess...
Double banker off Uncle Vlad and the guy from the Munsters tombstone...I rule!

 

by Marcusk
4-14-19
Look, I've already told you I'm busy. Shouldn't you be out stalking the night anyway?
But Marcus..Vee never hang out anymore..
Oh Ok..But I'm telling you ahead of time it sounds like a boring idea..
I promise you..Its a thrill like none other...
Ok..Cemetary frisbee golf IS kinda cool I guess...
Double banker off Uncle Vlad and the guy from the Munsters tombstone...I rule!

 

by Marcusk
4-14-19
If I'm a ghost why isn't anyone afraid of me?
Probably because you are the least intimidating ghost ever
Thats not true..I can be just as.....OMG NOOOO!!!
???
Well there he goes...You seem to have that affect on him
I should be glad only the Dems are for dead people voting.

 

by Marcusk
4-14-19
No leftovers for me tonight Raven?
Sorry dumpster zombie..Mr Kane is away tonight. Its bingo night at the sernior center.
oh yes...Why does he go there anyway..? He isn't a senior and he hates games
Oh he doesn't go to play..He waxes the stairs and waits in the bushes for the old folks to come out.
Wow..pro level sinister
Eh..everyone needs a hobby

 

by Marcusk
4-14-19
What will it be today Mr Kane?
Umm..well nothing really. I was just wondering about that help wanted sign...
Oh yes..We are still looking..do you know someone who needs the job?
I was hoping you'd ask...I think he'd be a great addition to your place. I'll go get him.
Uncle Marcus says Satan lives in the ice cream cooler...
He's still better than the man in the bunny suit

 

by Marcusk
4-15-19
Excuse me sir..What exactly do you think you're doing?
??
Our book club is acting out a scene from our "book of the month" This month its " The Shining"
Librarians sure are uptight people..
I suppose our rendition of " IT" is off now?

 

by Marcusk
4-15-19
So the sanitation Dept refuses to pick up the trash as long as I have a zombie living in the dumpster
But this is my home..Where will I go if I leave here?
Well I'vee been giving it some thought and I may have found a solution
???
There goes that new freezer I was promised
OOOH are those brownies I smell?

 

by Marcusk
4-15-19
For my project I've brought in my pet bat...
"Pet"?
Are you CRAZY? Get that filthy creature out of here at ONCE young man!
Yes ma'am
Sorry Drac...Thanks for trying..
The board of education vill here about THIS..!

 

by Marcusk
4-15-19
So why don't you come in for a quick nightcap?
No offense dude but this entire thing is kinda creeping me out. I think I'm just gonna go on home and catch " Game of thrones"
I got a TV maybe we could just curl up on the couch and...
Damn...Struck out again
I'm up for a little netfiix if you're free

 

by Marcusk
4-15-19
So Marcus, We are looking to expand your music in different areas to further its reach..
Like where exactly..?
All over my man..world wide..GALAXY wide even! I'm talking EVERYWHERE...
Hmmm..might have one small issue...
Cease and desist human..I own all galactic rights to distribution!
I REALLY need a new client...

 

by Marcusk
4-15-19
So Marcus, We are looking to expand your music in different areas to further its reach..
Like where exactly..?
All over my man..world wide..GALAXY wide even! I'm talking EVERYWHERE...
Hmmm..might have one small issue...
Cease and desist human..I own all galactic rights to distribution!
I REALLY need a new client...

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