All comics by Norvillebarnes

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by Norvillebarnes
7-26-05
John Roberts doesn't remember the Federalist Society.
Great, the liberal bed-wetters have their panties in a bunch! What's your problem? You hate freedom and rule of law?!
Well, if he was in leadership and lied about it . . .
Freedom hater, do you have any idea how many committees I'm on? Sometimes I'm just an honorary chairman.
I'll give him the benefit of the doubt.
It's not like they named him Grand Wizard. Trust me, that's a day you never forget. You guys are really, really reaching here. Sad.

 

by Norvillebarnes
7-26-05
Thanks for inviting me to lunch. That's very generous of you - makes me feel welcome.
Well you know, the Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away. God has really blessed this company. And my role in it.
Well, I'm very happy for you. Personally I'm not very-
When are you coming to church? You sound like you could use a good baptizing. See you Sunday morning - say 7:00?
No offense but I don't go to church.
and the Lord taketh away.

 

by Norvillebarnes
7-26-05
This war is wrong. Dunbya's a moron!
This war is right. President Bush is a hero!
Conservatives are simple minded fools!
Liberals are brainless commies!
Joe Theismann suXors! I'd rather puncture my eardrums with a rusty nail than listen to him again.
Yep.

 

by Norvillebarnes
7-26-05
Jane Fonda is back in the news.
Hanoi Jane?!? WTF? Is she protesting this war too?
Actually, yes.
Oh sweet Jesus. I think I just swallowed a nut and shat myself.
This makes you happy?
Well officially I'm outraged. But I haven't been this tingly since election night.

 

by Norvillebarnes
7-26-05
I think I need a new diaper.
Relax old lady. I'm not here for you. I'm on a mission from the Denver city council.
WTF?
I'm here to destroy your pet pit bull and companion for twelve years. Goes by the name Pwincess I believe.
But . . but . . . she's a Broncos fan!
In that case I'll make it quick.

 

by Norvillebarnes
7-26-05
U.S. Muslims are saying "condemnation is not enough" for terrorists acts.
Doesn't matter. Jihad means holy war. And the Imams in the Middle East have declared Jihad on the U.S.
But the American Muslims have delared their committment to peace. That's good right?
Leonard, those are just words, not actions. "Declared"? C'mon. Derka derka - Mohammed Jihad!
So what do you want from U.S. Muslims?
Jihad on all the other Muslims of course.

 

by Norvillebarnes
7-28-05
What a horrible film.
Are you kidding? I thought it was the best movie we've seen this year.
I thought the nudity was completely gratuitous and really detracted from the overall movie.
It was about two guys crashing weddings in order to get laid.
Exactly. It could have been a great social satire without all the nudity.

 

by Norvillebarnes
7-28-05
Art Modell deserves to be in the Hall of Fame. He was a driving force early in the NFL. In fact, Modell is part of the reason the NFL has as good a product as it does today.
He's done so much for the NFL. Unfortunately, he'll always be remembered for moving the Browns from Cleveland.
Say, aren't you from Cleveland?
Burn in hell Art Modell.

 

by Norvillebarnes
7-28-05
I want a raise.
Good one. Let's hear another.
Seriously. I've taken on more job responsibilities. I'm more valuable to your team. I deserve a raise.
I like you Leaonard, you're smart. You pick things up very quickly. Not like my last intern. He didn't know when to shut up. I evenutally had to replace him.
You replaced him with me, didn't you?
See there? Smart.

 

by Norvillebarnes
7-28-05
What's bothering my little Baptist princess?
The order needs to get placed today but applied to the August budget.
As long as they order the god dam supplies, I don't care what they apply it to.
I'm highly offended by that comment.
Of course you are, you're a woman.
On the other hand, that settlement check is going to come in handy.

 

by Norvillebarnes
7-28-05
Golly it's good to be here in Mumbai doing the Lord's work. Here's the deposit for my little place near the slums.
Good, good, good. It is much good you leave money with me. Everybody here cheat you.
OK, I'll keep that in mind. Anyway, I'm really looking forward to joining your ministry and spreading the love of Jesus.
Everybody cheat. Everybody steal. If anyone can cheat you, he will. It is our way. You cannot trust anyone. This is our custom, you must be careful. Everybody cheat.
Wow. I guess it's good for you to keep my deposit.
What deposit?

 

by Norvillebarnes
7-28-05
I like you. Alot. So I'm going to say this the nicest way I know how.
Uh oh.
You really need to stop making cartoons. Really. They are just NOT funny. Please, stop.
I can put you in one.
OK, but I get the punchline.

 

by Norvillebarnes
8-06-05
Oh man that Scott Stapp is such a LOSER!
Wasn't he in Creed?
Yeah, he was a loser in Creed and now he's a total loser in life. Loser with a capital L. The loser got oWned by his fans.
Where did you hear this?
I just spent all day on IHaveNoLife.Com

 

by Norvillebarnes
8-06-05
The NCAA is going to start banning mascott names.
I hope they get rid of "Bulldogs". I just hate those hairy bastards.
No more names that refer to native Americans.
Nothing about birds of prey?
Nope. Just names like Braves and Indians.
The Alcorn State "Citizens" vs. the Arkansas "Hard Workers". Oh yeah, it's showtime!

 

by Norvillebarnes
8-29-05
I cannot believe what I just heard from Pat Robertson.
Who?
Pat Robertson . . Christian leader, televangelist, Republican presidential candidate.
Never heard of him.
Dude, you voted for him!
Oh HIM. What can I say? I'm a squirrel - I love nuts.

 

by Norvillebarnes
8-30-05
Pat Robertson thinks we should assassinate a foreign leader.
Just one?
He called for the assassination on a Christian television broadcast.
Sweet.
That's so irresponsible it's insane.
Hey, you're the one talking to a squirrel.

 

by Norvillebarnes
8-30-05
The 700 Club, January 14, 1991
You say you're supposed to be nice to the Episcopalians and the Presbyterians and the Methodists and this, that, and the other thing.
Nonsense. I don't have to be nice to the spirit of the Antichrist.
I can love the people who hold false opinions but I don't have to be nice to them.

 

by Norvillebarnes
8-30-05
The 700 Club, January 21, 1993
Many of those people involved with Adolph Hitler were Satanists.
Many of them were homosexuals.
The two things seem to go together.

 

by Norvillebarnes
8-30-05
The 700 Club, April 9, 1991
It is teaching kids to fornicate.
Teaching people to have adultery,
every kind of bestiality, homosexuality, lesbianism-everything that the Bible condemns

 

by Norvillebarnes
8-30-05
Wal-Mart just donated $1 million for hurricane relief.
Big deal! 1 million to them is like 50 bucks to you and me.
Really? That's a coincidence - I just donated $50.
I hate you.

 

by Norvillebarnes
9-02-05
I can't believe you're actually taking advantage of the situation and looting for food.
Looting?!? For your information it's not "looting", it's "finding".
What's the difference?
I'm white.

 

by Norvillebarnes
9-05-05
You guys need help pluggin that levee?
We sure do! Watcha got?
Plasma TV
Toss er in there!

 

by Norvillebarnes
9-05-05
Some people think Katrina is God's punishment.
We are all Gods children. He is the Father. Fathers discipline their children.
Um . . .
911, Florida hurricanes last year, Katrina this year, the increase in disasters is all about America's disobedience of Gods laws.
911? That was a terrorists act.
Yes but they were God's terrorists.

 

by Norvillebarnes
9-07-05
Norville raises support.
So you're giving up everything to go overseas to be a missionary? Well, good luck kid, I'll be praying for you.
Golly thanks. I deeply appreciate your prayers - but I also need financial support as well.
Well, good luck kid, I'll be praying for you.

 

by Norvillebarnes
9-07-05
Hi. For your own good we're here to evacuate you.
For my own good? I have 6 months worth of water, food, beer, cigarettes and ammo. I've got satellite plasmaTV and no neighbors.
Can I stay?
The rest of your squad's in the game room.

 

by Norvillebarnes
9-15-05
My son turned Christian.
Really? Well you know my son, the gay Republican? He stole all of my money and fled to Canada. Oh, and they found human heads in his freezer.
You're just trying to make me feel better, aren't you?
Sucks to be you.

 

by Norvillebarnes
1-21-06
We're going to need billions of dollars from the federal government while we rebuild.
That doesn't make any sense. Why rebuild? Why not move to high ground?
Ha! There is no high ground, dummy.
The city is below sea level, next to a lake, in the known path of hurricanes. Anything we rebuild could just get completely wiped out. Then what?
Then we REBUILD. You're not very bright are you?
Um...

 

by Norvillebarnes
5-31-06
The car you just shot at had innocent civilians!
p\/\/ned!
Women and children died!
:bag:

 

by Norvillebarnes
3-31-07
Hi, I'm taking a poll among the liberated. Can I ask you a question.
Shoot - I mean, ask.
Which do you prefer, oppression and torture under Saddam's regime, or American occupation?
Well?
I'm thinking.

 

by Norvillebarnes
1-08-08
So Hillary got a win in N.H. Primary? What did you get?
Her soul!
Dammit!

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