All comics by StanleyPotsmoker

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G' morinin', Ed!
Why are you wearing a bathrobe?
I'm built for comfort, not for speed.

 

I told him I'd do it if he didn't stop singing "Amazing Grace"!
Yeah, but it's not even funny anymore!
...meanwhile
Hey! I can see my house from here!

 

BoomBoomBoomBoom
I hope the natives are friendly!
BoomBoomBoomBoom
They may even be cannibals!
BoomBoomBoomBoom?
This might be more complicated than I thought.

 

Right. You're a bathroom wizard.
Ha! If you're such a great wizard, why is your wand a plunger?
I have a bad attitude, that's why.

 

Let's see...
If I tell him I'm having "lady problems" I can probably get a good dinner and still be home in time for the "Sex In The City" marathon.
Sometimes I wonder if I've got my priorities in order.
Hi Honey!

 

I am your GOD! I created you!
Here come ol' flattop...
Bow down to me!
...juju eyeball, he one holeee rolla...
sigh
...he got toe-jam football...

 

People ask me all the ime if it's tough being a female comedian.
Is this one funny? Did you remember to turn off the stove before we left?
So I sez
I could swear I smell smoke in here. Where's my purse? Oh here it is.
Izzit tough when your customers won't use a condom?
SHUT UP!!

 

Hi humans. Zek Jackson here. I'm your spokesman. You don't need to know anymore than that. Far out, right?
We're invading, but it's totally cool. You won't notice us, really. Dude.
You may notice less bees, though. It's cool. Really.

 

Swine flu shots here! Be the first on your block!
Uh, I don't think so...
I'm from the government, so you can trust me! See? I look like a doctor! It'll be fun! I have a great idea! We can play a game!
What kind of game?
20 minutes later...
GOTCHA!! You didn't say "Simon Says", and I didn't say swine flu VACCINE!
I feel naucious.

 

Hey, watch out, squirrel! I almost hit you!
Now, begone!
I'm a squirrel whisperer.

 

You know 911 was an inside job, right?
I thought it was 911 is a joke.
WHAT?
Yeah, it was a song by N.W.A.
I can't talk to you anymore
Straight 'oughtta Compton. Old school O.G.

 

Excuse me, fine sistah.
You wouldn't be looking for a little extra easy cash, now, wouldja?
You deaf? Deaf is good. I can work with that.

 

As the CIO of Genetechglobal I am proud to accept this honor.
We all know the story of our great rise to power, the many years of struggle against monumentous odds, and our rise to glory. I am humbled by your graciousness and I accept your award.
You're still all fired, though. Sorry.

 

Hey Bob!
Are you all ready to go skydiving?
I knew I shouldn't have taken acid.
Bob?

 

You have the right to remain silent. I suggest you use it.
I can't believe this!
They never take my advice.
Wait, I have to tweet this on Twitter!
Sir... Sir... SIR!
@Dodobob Guess who just got arrested?

 

My nephew Zak is coming over for dinner tonight. He's such a good boy.
I wonder if he still likes Happy Meals?
Please kill me in a ritual sacrafice.

 

On September 24, 2009 at Gizzi's Coffee, 8th Street, a little bit East of 6th Avenue in Manhattan...
Deerheart!
Good Dog Nigel!
At 7:00 p.m., as the show starts...
DEERHEART
GOOD DOG NIGEL!!!
Frani Lugo!!
No subliminal messages here!

 

Somewhere in America...
Patrick Swayze died.
You're KIDDING!
I'm really bummed-out. He taught the world to dirty dance, you know.
I more bummed than you! I was going to see him.
I hope he ddn't suffer too much.
I guess I can put away the shotgun now.

 

Meanwhile...
Uhhm, Mr. Rabbit? Can I ask you a question?
Sure, kid.
I know everybody thinks you're insane, but I think you're cuddly.
It was kind of stupid, actually.
I should probably not have said that.
I built a city out of rock and roll, and the heavy metal fell on me!

 

Washington, D.c.
Mr. Hippy, what are your views on the legalization or marijuana?
Well, basically, it's like this. If you support prohibition, you support gangsters.
But drugs are bad!!
Yes, some of them are. It's sad that some people are so lonely or needy that they turn to drugs for some comfort.
You're stoned right now, aren't you?
Fascist.

 

Greenwich Village, 1965
Like, cool, Man. Spare change?
Sorry, young man. I got a fish! Ya wanna fish?
No, Daddy-O, I don't dig me no seafood. Like, I require java, Jackson.
Whatsa matta? Too good for you?
I'm solid gone like the wind, Jackson!
Shooby-doo wha, proto-hippy! Don't come running to me when sushi gets popular.

 

Halloween sure is spooky!
More like traumatic! They scooped-out my insides and made a pie. They're eating my seeds!
Hey look, man, try not to be so heavy!
Then they cut eyeholes in me with a knife!
Hey, I died too! Jeez! Get over it!
Then they put a lit candle in me!

 

Missed the rapture, eh?
Yeah. Go figure.
Hey, sorry about the apocalypse. Still, it was pretty exciting, eh?
Why do you have a Canadian accent?
Uhh... I don't know. I come from North Heaven.
Halifax? That's cool.

 

My arm fell off!
Yow!!
What should I do?
I don't know...
!!
...I'm just a handyman.

 

I'll never get to pon-farr with the Captain here!
Spock! We've got to go back to the ship right now!
Here, use my communicator!
Hey! Thanks, Spock!
So long, Sucker!

 

 

Uh Oh! It's Brainwashed Bob!
Let's see how long it takes for Bob to say something stupid.
Hey Jack! "Thumbs UP!!"
Dickhead
Didn't you go to the meeting? It's our new "catch phrase".
Uhhm. Right.
Get with the program, Jack! Thumbs UP!

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