All comics by Unclemeat

 

by Unclemeat
3-18-11
Our hero goes out for a drink
Hmm, this seems like a suitable establishment to drink away my pain.
Hey bro, how's it hanging? Take a seat wherever you wish.
Our hero is hesitant
Hey... can you just give me a manhattan?
Hey friend, not sure what you're talking about, but we're in Texas, not New York.
Regret sets in
Fuck you hipster scum.
We've got some great deals on margaritas, bro. And our juke box is full of the latest tracks from Broccoli Party. Their new album is so epic.

 

by Unclemeat
3-18-11
ohhhh I'm so sad I work in Hell and my wife is a twat and nobody loves me
Yeah, that's a bummer, how about we forget that and go have a beer?
ohhhh I don't know maybe we can go to this new juice bar, they serve maccaroni in a crystal vase
That sounds like a terrible idea
ohhhhh?
oh

 

by Unclemeat
3-18-11
zap
Hey Hubert, can you ping me later with your revised poa? I don't have the bandwidth right now to interface with you on that.
what the heck language is this?
Going forward I'll need you to give me a heads up on this stuff so we can make it actionable. I don't want to miss any low hanging fruit here so lets put this on the boilerplate ay-sap
So are we going to have a meeting?
lets review this offline and see what kind of takeaways we can uncover

 

by Unclemeat
3-18-11
hey I really love your band you guys are so cool. I'm gonna put you on the radio and the internet and tell everyone to buy your cd
whoa no kidding? That's really exciting to hear from someone that rides a fixed-gear bicycle!
yeah and you can open for my band anytime, we're like a combination of the pixies and ned's atomic dustbin and neil diamond
Wow! Hey we are playing a show this weekend at this really cool club. They serve Pabst AND Schlitz. On tap or in the can. Want to come see us?
Not a chance, scumbag
...

 

by Unclemeat
3-18-11
I've been giving myself singing lessons but I don't know if they're working
why don't you show me how you're coming along
yeah baby baby i loooove youuuu baby ohhh yeah
stop
how was that?
Don't even talk

 

by Unclemeat
3-18-11
howdy clint
hey kalen why you dressed like a cowboy?
Because we're in the south but I work at Starbucks, so it's ironic.
that's why I have sex with this cat

 

by Unclemeat
3-18-11
I'm really into film noir now, but not that conceded LA crap, the stuff from northern Kentucky these days is far superior
Can i document your next film for my next book?
nah man, because I'm not even going to make a film, because as soon as I do I'd be subconsciously conforming to the ideals of an oppressive society that has no clue what it wants from its art
yeah that's why I'm not really writing a book, I just keep a journal
You write in a journal? Fag.
Dear log, it's becoming impossible to hold back the tears, why doesn't Jef accept my love?

 

by Unclemeat
3-25-11
Friday
Hey Brian, that sucks you don't want to relocate for work but thanks for spending your last two weeks training me on your job!
No problem! Least I can do! I've got all sorts of documentation and we'll do a go-2-meeting so you can see how everything works. It will be a breeze!
Monday
Brian?
Tuesday
Shit.

 

by Unclemeat
4-06-11
buuuut whyyy can't I be the vampire king?
because you're an insolent little weiner
buuut whyyy?
Nobody likes a crybaby. Especially a crybaby jew

 

by Unclemeat
5-22-12
BLARGH! I wrote a poem about being fat and having sex while eating shepherd's pie
you were eating shepherd's pie while having sex? Or while writing the poem?
BLARGH! I am an artist! Respect my beauty and my brilliance!
Are you wearing football pads? Or are you just really, really fat?
You are the only one that gets me, Satan. Please make love to my blubber.
If Satan commits suicide, does he go to hell?

 

by Unclemeat
5-22-12
Are you okay?
Fuck your pasta, I am going to dump it all over your couch. I was in the army motherfucker!
Are you okay?
I pissed in the guac. Not guacamole. Guac!
I think you need to leave
You're the fucking best

 

by Unclemeat
5-22-12
HEY JAY, LOOK, THERE'S THAT GUY i KNEW WHEN I WAS A KID
What guy?
OVER THERE, WE USED TO ALL CALL HIM "NIGGER."
...

 

by Unclemeat
5-22-12
Hey creepy Cal, what's new?
I started a new band, it's fucking amazing.
oh yeah?
Yeah, we're kind of a cross between old Creed and mid-era Collective Soul. There's another band that is like us but more early Collective Soul, before the "World I Know" song came out. We own them.
Like they're your slaves?
Like they're our prostitutes.

 

by Unclemeat
9-12-12
We need to stop mixing all these races. You cannot tell a white from a black any more, they are all turning grey and it's a threat to the safety of society and human kind.
I have this black sweater I love and I tried using that detergent that makes your whites whiter and brights brighter...
Yes! We need to make our whites whiter, that will ensure the stability of the population of earth and reduce crime and poverty and illiteracy.
So anyway, I washed it and it totally came out grey. I kinda like that in between color though.
I want to shoot you in your face.
Ok have a nice day!

 

by Unclemeat
9-24-12
Scene: Rec Center, Shady Tomorrow's Senior Living Center
And that concludes today's presentation on the healing powers of music - are there any questions from the audience?
How is banging this drum going to help the fact that my prostate is so swollen I haven't pissed in a week?
That's the magic of music my friend, it will stimulate the trillions of neurons in your brain and help you get the will power you need to use the potty again.
My grandson is sending me to a hospice, they're going to let me lay there and die.
Maybe these castanets will help.

 

by Unclemeat
10-31-12
Hey Brody, you should totally come out to Beanstalkers tonight
Oh yeah, what's happening there?
We're having a killer party, there's gonna be dancers and a DJ and a TON of black people.
Hmm, that's kinda weird. Are you trying to warn me about the black people?
No way man there will be gansta black people everywhere, it's gonna be sic.
I'll be sure to leave my wallet at home?

 

by Unclemeat
7-08-14
What you doing pointing that gun at me boy?
It's 3AM, how did you know I was coming into your house?
Oh, it's greendale, we have an alarm that goes off any time a colored person drives through so we can watch our property value sink.
That's bullshit man, I don't even want to rob you anymore, I'm out of here.
Don't walk across my lawn, or I'll call the cops.
Got it. Breaking into your house, no big deal. Black dude touching your fescue, big problem.

 

by Unclemeat
7-24-17
Republicans in 1957
Beware of Russian brainwashing! They will use it to destroy democracy!
Republicans in 2017
Thank goodness for Russian brainwashing! Now we can destroy democracy!

 

by Unclemeat
3-27-21
I declare slaves shall be free!
Hooray!
Oh, not you, just like, future slaves.
Wait, what?

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