All comics by elbingador

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by elbingador
1-21-02
Hey, man! Why don't you get a job somewhere, so I don't have to look at you on the street anymore!
You seriously think it's that easy? I'm drunker than Donald Trump after a stockmarket crash, for cryin' out loud!
Come on! I'm sure you could find someone who'd hire you. There's a guy on the street over there. He's wearing a business suit. Go talk to him!
Okay, but I'm telling you, I'm bad at stuff like this...
This should be good.
Excuse me, sir. I was wondering if you could possibly let me rummage through your pockets. Oh, sorry about that. I had a bean burrito for breakfast today.

 

by elbingador
1-21-02
So, I hear we're supposed to clean out the garage today.
I wonder why mom always does this to us on Saturdays.
This is going to be so annoying!
I wonder why she never makes dad do this stuff with us.
I swear, this better not take us the whole day, or I'll be really mad!
I wonder why Josh hasn't moved away from that pile of dog crap he's standing in.

 

by elbingador
1-21-02
Thanks for agreeing to go out on this date with me, Cheryl.
It's my pleasure. I like a man who's willing to make an ass out of himself in front of people.
Well, then, have I got just the thing for you...Hey, coppers! My lady friend and I think you're a dumb sack of horse crap, and we'd like to see you just try and arrest us!
Huh?
So, do you think we can go out again anytime soon?
From the looks of things, not for another ten to twenty years.

 

by elbingador
1-21-02
I met this girl while I was at work today. We hit it off pretty nicely, and I even managed to get her number.
That's cool. What's her name?
I don't remember. She said that she wanted to take me to this place where all my deepest fantasies could come true.
Let me guess. You think she's taking you to a strip club, don't you?
Not necessarily. It might be Yasmine

 

by elbingador
1-21-02
I met this girl while I was at work today. We hit it off pretty nicely, and I even managed to get her number.
That's cool. What's her name?
I don't remember. She said that she wanted to take me to this place where all my deepest fantasies could come true.
Let me guess. You think she's taking you to a strip club, don't you?
Not necessarily. It might be Yasmine Bleeth's bedroom.
I think you're setting yourself up for disappointment.

 

by elbingador
1-21-02
So, Josh, how'd your date go?
Not so good.
What happened?
She was a bit too controlling for my tastes.
So she stole the maracino cherry from your Shirley Temple, huh?
Yeah. I hate it when they do that.

 

by elbingador
1-21-02
I'm going out tonight. I don't want you going through any of my stuff, okay?
When have I ever gone through your stuff?
Remember that time you just had to see what was in my underwear drawer?
Oh yeah. Sorry about that.
When was that anyway?
Last Monday.

 

by elbingador
1-21-02
Can I help you, sir?
Maybe. I'm looking for my cow. Have you seen my cow anywhere?
Well, this is a fast food place. There are plenty of cows here.
Do you think one of them might be mine?
Could be. But I don't think you should bother calling for it.
Bessie! Oh, Bessie!

 

by elbingador
1-21-02
Dad, I need to ask you a question.
All righty. What's the matter? Are you having bad lady luck? Do you need some money or something?
No, dad. It's nothing big like that.
Please don't tell me you have Attention Deficit Disorder! I couldn't like with myself if I thought that my only son was in any physical or mental pain and anguish.
Actually, I spilled a pitcher of iced tea, and I can't seem to find the paper towels.
If you weren't all the way over there, I'd smack you.

 

by elbingador
1-21-02
Excuse me. I couldn't help but notice that you were going through our garbage.
Yeah, sorry. It's just that it's been a while since I've eaten anything, and your rotting macaroni looked pretty appetizing.
You probably shouldn't eat that. It's been sitting there for weeks.
Hey, I don't discriminate against the aged.
All right, go ahead and eat that stale macaroni. But don't come knocking on our door when you start to get sick.
Dont worry. The next house over threw out half a bottle of Pepto Bismol.

 

by elbingador
1-21-02
I'm going on another date tonight.
Who's the lucky lady this time?
Her name just slipped my mind. But I hear that she's a pretty decent cook.
So you'll be eating in, then?
Not quite. She's a fry girl at McDonald's.
It's like you two were made for each other!

 

by elbingador
1-21-02
I love you, TV.
Up next: an all new episode of Everybody Loves Raymond!
You know I can't live without you. You bring humor, drama, and dramedy into my otherwise boring life.
Here's a world premiere video from the one and only Enrique Iglesias!
Not to mention the T & A that nobody else in this house seems to think is worth watching.
Coming up on Playboy TV, it's Naughty Amateur Home Videos IV: Amateurs Go Public!

 

by elbingador
1-21-02
Who the heck are you?
I'm Sid The Cigarette! I'm here to help you with your addiction to smoking!
That's very kind of you, Mr. The Cigarette. But I quit smoking cigarettes about a year ago. Perhaps you should try my sister's room.
Oh. I'm sorry. I forgot, I'm just supposed to be filling in as a substitute today.
What do you mean?
Let's put it this way: Kathy The Cannibus has the sniffles.

 

by elbingador
1-21-02
There's this guy on TV who's talking about carpet-cleaning aids. I should be paying more attention, but I need to figure out what all these buttons on the remote do.
This one seems to be the volume button, and here's the TV/VCR button, and...wait, what's this button do?
Oops.

 

by elbingador
1-21-02
Tony, how come you never go out on dates, like I do?
I don't really feel the need to constantly express my bachelorhood to the world by being seen at countless clubs each night with a different bimbo.
I'll tell you, sis. Tony can be a weird guy sometimes.

 

by elbingador
1-21-02
Come on, Tony. Let me hook you up with somebody. I know dozens of girls, maybe hundreds even. I'm sure I could find one who'd want to go out with a guy like you.
Thanks for that bit of insight, Josh. I told you, though, I'm not looking to go out with anybody right now.
I've heard that before.
I've said that before.
Look, why won't you let me get you a girl?
First, you answer this: would you let Howard Stern perform a routine angioplasty on you?

 

by elbingador
1-21-02
May I take your order, please?
Yes. I'd like two Biggun' Burgers, a side of Greasy Fries, and a small Asbestos Shake.
We don't sell any of those things.
Isn't this a fast food restaurant?
Yeah, but remember that all fast food places call the same foods by different names.
Oh yeah. I must be thinking of that condemned place down the street.

 

by elbingador
1-21-02
So, how's my favorite son doing these days?
Pretty good, dad. Although I have been having trouble with my computer lately.
We bought a computer?
Yeah. About ten years ago. It's extremely out of date. I think we should consider buying a new one.
What's wrong with it? Is it powered by a hamster running on a wheel or something?
Actually, a gerbil. The ones with hamsters cost about twice as much.

 

by elbingador
1-21-02
My boyfriend listens to rap music.
That must be an interesting culture shock for you, seeing as how you've always been more of a Dixie Chicks girl yourself.
Yeah. But I guess I never realized how these rap musicians pour their hearts and souls into their recording, telling of horrid times past, and hopes and dreams for the future.
I didn't know that there was even any meaning behind that type of thing. I thought it was all about chilling with homies in a drop top Benz.
Yeah, rap music can be pretty deep sometimes.
Word.

 

by elbingador
1-21-02
Did you ever get a job since last we met?
Unfortunately, no. It's hard to find someone who's willing to hire you after you pass out in front of them.
Well, keep it up. I'm sure someone would be willing to hire you if you just kept at it.
I suppose you're right.
I can't believe it, but it never gets old.
Excuse me, ma'am. Would you mind if I played your head like a set of bongos? Ouch! Those taser things hurt!

 

by elbingador
1-21-02
I'm going out with this really cute girl tomorrow night.
Congrats. Do you know her name?
Not entirely. Anyway, I already met her mom. She's my psychology teacher.
I'm in shock.
That I've met a girl's mother before even going out with her?
No, that you've finally learned to pronounce "psychology".

 

by elbingador
1-21-02
What the heck are you?
I'm a talking puppet. All of the popular media in pop culture these days have puppets involved in them.
That's really scary. I think I'm going to go lie down now. I'd appreciate it if you'd leave my room.
Fine. Nighty night.
All we have to do is bring in the talking owl from Mister Rogers' Neighborhood, and the plan to make Josh go insane will be complete.

 

by elbingador
1-21-02
So you're a talking puppet, huh?
Yeah. I'm basically here to talk to you when no one else is around.
Really?
Not really. Remember how I said that puppets equal popularity? I'm here to make you more popular.
That's nice of you.
Anything to improve the quality of another creature's life. Just promise me you won't stick your hand into my back.

 

by elbingador
1-21-02
You must be here to see Josh.
Yeah. He called me and told me to come over as quickly as I could.
Well, he should be in his room. If I were you, I'd knock first. Heaven only knows what he's doing in there.
Actually, if it's all the same to you, I thought I'd hang out here for a few minutes.
But you said Josh wanted you to get here as quickly as possible. Don't you think he'd get worried and come looking for you?
Not really. He called me about four hours ago. I stopped to eat on the way.

 

by elbingador
1-21-02
I hear you've been messing around with Bernie.
Bernie? Who's Bernie?
Bernie would be the boozehound that you're always trying to fool. Frankly, people are starting to talk. They don't seem to like that you're playing mind games with him for no apparent reason.
Understandable. But I have my reasons.
Such as?
Well, for one thing, he's the only person in this town who's dumber than I am.

 

by elbingador
1-21-02
Listen, Bernie. I want to say that I'm sorry about the way I've been treating you. I've taunted you and made fun of you, and I had no right to do that.
That's okay.
No, seriously, I mean it. I took your presence in this town for granted. You're just as important to this community as anyone else I know.
I appreciate that.
I know it's not much for me to just be saying these things now, but if you'd like, I really want to become friends with you. And if not, I totally understand.
Who the hell are you?

 

by elbingador
1-21-02
How's my favorite daughter doing?
I'm your only daughter. And I'm doing fine.
You mean you don't have any problems for me to solve or anything? But I'm good at that stuff!
Sorry. Try asking Josh. He's got a lot of problems.
Dad, I think I have a hangnail. Could you pull on it for me?
That's what I like to hear.

 

by elbingador
1-21-02
I don't understand what the big deal is with this whole TV thing. Everybody seems to watch it but me, and everybody expects me to care. But I don't care!
Is it really so wrong for me to not want my brain drained by this idiot box like everybody else? Am I not my own individual? Can't I be judged based on my other characteristics, not...not...and...
Is that girl having a totally organic experience?

 

by elbingador
1-21-02
May I take your order, please?
Okay, but only for a little while. Then you have to give it back!
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!
If I had a nickel for every customer who's said that, I wouldn't need to work here.
By the way, I'd like one of those five cent burgers that your commercials advertize.

 

by elbingador
1-21-02
Hey, it's you again. How have you been?
Pretty good. You know, it's not so bad hanging around with you.
Yeah, you're pretty okay, yourself. Although, I noticed that since you've shown up, I haven't seen much of my friend Tony.
I'm sorry to hear that.
Yeah. But it's the funniest thing. The other day, I could've sworn I heard his voice coming from my closet. It sounded like somebody tied him up and gagged him, then threw him in there.
That's pretty funny. But probably not worth checking out.

 

by elbingador
1-21-02
What are you doing here?
I was locked in Josh's closet. I couldn't get out. Thank goddness you found me and let me out, otherwise I might have suffocated!
Glad I could help. Does Josh know you're in here?
I don't think so.
Sometimes I think Josh could be looking right at me and still not know that I'm there.

 

by elbingador
1-21-02
Hey, Tony. It's been a while, but I'm glad I bumped into you. Figured this would be a good opportunity to tell you about my new girlfriend.
Another one? Should I even ask what her name is?
No. But I met her at this club the other night. She's really quite a looker.
So, what's the catch with her?
I wouldn't know. She's one of the few people in this town I haven't dated yet. I'm starting to run out of options.
If you start dating your sister, I'm moving.

 

by elbingador
1-21-02
Dad, I thought of something a minute ago. How come you don't go to work anymore?
Well, you see, Josh, it's a very interesting story. A man came into my office one day, and he took my placard off of my desk and held it in his hand.
Then he threw it in the trash can, and turned to me and said, "This is my office now!"
Dad, that's not right! You should have done something about that!
I would have, but he was one of those big, muscular guys, so I didn't think I could take him. It didn't help that his father was the C.E.O., either.

 

by elbingador
1-21-02
Cheryl, I hope you realize just how much I enjoy being with you. I'm so grateful that those guards let you out of prison early for good behavior.
I'm happy to be with you again too, Bernie.
I only wish that I could whisk you away to another world, far from these mean city streets, where we could be free to do as we wish at all times!
Hey, it's worth a shot.
So, what do you think?
I think I liked the mean city streets better. There were more potential customers there.

 

by elbingador
1-21-02
A little birdie told me that you've got a girlfriend now.
So the little birds talk to you too, huh?
What's she like? If she the kind of girl that you could take home to your mother?
I can't take anyone home to mother. She moved to Europe after a fire destroyed her delicatessen.
I think you're taking me too literally, Bernie.
That's preposterous! I'm not taking you anywhere! Unless, of course, you paid me first.

 

by elbingador
1-21-02
Boy, this TV thing is great. I bet I could just watch this screen for hours.
And now, TBS presents the network television premiere of the Norm Macdonald movie, Dirty Work!
And with that, I'm off to find Josh.

 

by elbingador
1-21-02
Hey, sis. What are you doing up so late?
I was considering going to raid the refrigerator, but I'm having second thoughts. Why are you still up and around?
I was considering sneaking into your room and starting an impromptu pillow fight with you, causing it to go awry after faking an injury to my right fibula. Then I'd bribe you into buying me candy.
Wow.
I apologize in advance.
Does that mean you're still planning on doing it at some point?

 

by elbingador
1-21-02
Hey, Josh! How's my favorite son doing on this fine day?
Not bad. But it's nine-thirty at night.
Really?
Unless my watch is severely mislead, then yes. Really.
Where does the time go?
Based on similar instances in the past, I'd wager you ate a bowl of Bran Flakes this morning and spent the day in the shitter.

 

by elbingador
1-21-02
Time to woo this fine girl I love so very, very much.
Hey, baby! I like your tooth!
That was almost too good.

 

by elbingador
1-21-02
Only ten minutes until my show comes on.
What should I do to kill these ten minutes?
Should I prepare a snack to work in conjunction with watching the show?
Should I read the newest issue of Spin Magazine whilst sprawled out on my bed?
Should I torment my sister, by swatting her with a pillow and pelting her with unpopped popcorn kernels?
Wait...what was I waiting for again? Oh right. I'm waiting for my sister to get home so we can eat unpopped popcorn kernels while I swat at her with the new issue of Spin Magazine.

 

by elbingador
1-22-02
So, Tony, how're things going at your job?
I just got promoted from the mail room. Now I can officially say I'm a proud secretary.
You're really on the up and up, aren't you?
You might say I'm finally getting a piece of the pie.
Of course, you were getting paid when you were in the mail room, right?
Yeah, but in the corperate world, the mail room pie is filled with diseased rats and rotting cabbage.

 

by elbingador
1-22-02
Excuse me, sir. I don't get out much, and I was hoping you might be able to tell me what there is to do around here.
Well, I'm not much of a man about town either, but I highly recommend going up to random people and asking strange favors of them.
Wouldn't that be a little bit conspicuous for a first-timer like myself?
Absolutely not. This type of activity is not based on any credentials. Just give it a try.
Pardon me, miss. I was hoping you might pull on my ear and yell at me as if you were my mom, and...Ow! You pushed me into a dumpster! What the hell was that for?
Now I see why Josh likes doing this so much.

 

by elbingador
1-22-02
Son, I've been thinking about the way I've been living, and frankly, I don't feel as if I've satisfyingly exercised my first amendment rights.
I didn't think you ever exercised in any sense of the word.
At any rate, I think it's about time I start saying whatever I want. I'm the oldest one in the house, and that should really come with liberties, shouldn't it?
My liberties usually include sleeping until noon and eating Cheetos for breakfast, so I don't think our notes are the best ones to compare.
You're a doodyhead, Josh.
If you're planning on exercising your freedom of speech, maybe you should take a little breather. That must have seriously worn you out.

 

by elbingador
1-22-02
Hey, Josh. Can I talk to you for a second?
Sure, but first, there's something really important that I have to tell you!
I think I'm developing feelings toward your friend, Tony.
Okay, so I was sitting in the bathroom, doing my own business, when out of nowhere, this huge bug comes flying in and lands on my arm! It was so disgusting!
Woah. I can see that my subject matter will most definitely have to give way to yours.
I'm telling you, sis, I wish I had a video camera!

 

by elbingador
1-22-02
I just found out yesterday that my sister seems to have feelings for you.
Is that a good thing?
It's no small deal, I'll tell you that much. It takes a lot for her to admit that she thinks about somebody in that way.
I'm really flattered.
Although she never actually specified what kinds of feelings she has for you. For all we know, they could be feelings of better hatred.
You know, Josh, I think I just started to develop my own feeling towards you.

 

by elbingador
1-22-02
Hey! How's my favorite dad doing on this fine evening?
Great! How's my favorite son doing?
Really well, thanks. Do you need any help with anything?
Nope! Everything's fine and dandy! Do you need me to assist you at all right now?
Nope. Everything's going just perfectly! Are you sure you don't need me to help you with anything? I'm really good at that sort of thing, you know. It's kind of my expertise.
Are you mocking me?

 

by elbingador
1-22-02
Hey. I thought I'd pay you a visit, because it can get a bit lonely around where I live.
Really?
Yeah.
That's so sad!
What's even sadder is that you think an inanimate puppet can "live" somewhere.
What a coincidence. The one thing I learned in college that stuck with me was this two-day program on dismantling sarcastic puppets.

 

by elbingador
1-22-02
Welcome. May I take your order?
Sure. I'd like a small cup of water, please.
That's all you want? No food or anything?
I can't get any fast food right now. I'm on a liquid diet that requires that I drink at least ten glasses of water per day.
That's rough.
Yeah. Where's your bathroom?

 

by elbingador
1-22-02
Don't you think your life could be more productive if you didn't spend the majority of it in a haze or a drunken stupor caused by your tendency to nurse at forty ounce bottles of alcohol so often?
Probably.

 

by elbingador
1-24-02
Josh, did anyone call for me while I was in the shower?
Just this one guy who was panting a lot. He must not own an air conditioner.
Oh, my God! I have a stalker! This is terrible!
Oh, come on. Most people would be happy to have their very own stalker. Just think about all the poor girls who don't have one. They should be so lucky.
So I'm guessing he didn' leave his name, then.
Actually, he said his name was Garrett. Hey, isn't that your boyfriend's name, too?

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