All comics by theheretic

Profile

 

by theheretic
1-12-03
Hey Bob--how'd you end up in the garbage?
It's that big bully--he beat me up and took my lunch money... again.
Hmm... well, maybe that's not so bad.
What the hell makes you say that?
The New York Times says that school lunches are unhealthy, and that contributes to obesity!
Great... now all I have to do is wait forty years for that stupid bully to die of a heart attack...

 

by theheretic
1-14-03
Look, all I'm saying is that yeah, Hussein's bad, but this whole Iraq thing distracts us from the War on Terror!
But wait a minute--the New York Times has reported that Hussein runs terrorist training camps and supplies Hamas with money, and Hamas militants were recently arrested in the United States!
And George Tenet testified before Congress that the CIA has uncovered numerous links between Iraq and al-Qaeda. And these links were cooborated in Vanity Fair by journalist David Rose.
Seriously, the evidence that Iraq supports terrorists is well-documented and readily available. What on Earth would President Bush have to do to get you to support a war on Iraq?
Magically turn into Gore.
Figures.

 

by theheretic
1-14-03
I stand in solidarity with you, my Iraqi brother, against President Bush's evil corporate imperialism against your homeland! No blood for oil!
Saddam Hussein killed my entire family, and I barely made it out of Iraq alive. I think America is a godsend and I hope that it brings freedom to all of the Iraqi people.
Fascist!

 

by theheretic
1-14-03
You know, it's people like you that are turning this country into a police state!
Uhh... police state...?
Damn right! Ever since 9/11, America's civil libeties are, like, totally slipping away! We need to be more like Europe, man! They know about freedom!
The same Europe whose countries allow suspected terrorists homes to be raided without warrants, place surveillance everywhere and in some cases allow torture to elicit information?
Well, that's still better than things are here!
Right... I'll just stand here and wait for the secret police to take you away...

 

by theheretic
1-15-03
Hey Dex! You wanna go out for some pizza?
No can do. I'm waiting in line for the Matrix sequel!
But that's two months away!
Well, it kills time until the line for the new Harry Potter book. And that kills time before the line for the third Matrix. Ultimately, I'm waiting in line for Return of the King.
I take it we've given up on getting laid, then.
And lose my place in line? No way!

 

by theheretic
1-15-03
Did you read the paper today? That #@*&ing Supreme Court decided to allow copyright extensions. It's all a big corporate conspiracy!
Well, what did you expect? I mean, the Constitution is pretty clear about granting the power to regulate copyrights to Congress.
Yeah, but there was just too much restraint on the part of the Justices! The Constitution is a living document and has to adapt to the times!
But weren't you just telling me yesterday that there was too much judicial activism and that judges should show more deference to the legislature?
That's only when they strike down laws that I agree with!
Of course.

 

by theheretic
1-15-03
Hey brother! You here for the protest?
What are you protesting?
Uhh... I was hoping you'd know. I left my protest schedule at home.
Oh... uh... is this the protest against America's not following through on its word to end human rights abuses in Iraq?
Yeah! I think that's it! End tyranny in Iraq! Down with Iraq!
Works every time...

 

by theheretic
1-15-03
Hi, would you like to protest Bush's unilateral war against Iraq?
But isn't he working through the United Nations? And haven't several countries offered support against Iraq? How is that unilateral?
Well, he said that he might act without U.N. consent!
But Clinton took military action without consent of the U.N. on several different occasions! How come you weren't protesting then?
Clinton's a Democrat.

 

by theheretic
1-18-03
How Stupid Peace Movements Get Started
Hey baby, you wanna get naked?
No way, jerk!
Don't take it the wrong way, baby. It's for...uh...a peace protest...yeah...no blood for oil!
Oh, well, in that case, sure!
Sweet... I can't believe that worked...

 

by theheretic
7-18-03
Bush is the greatest President ever!!! He's got the wisdom of Lincoln, the moral character of Washington, the eloquence of Reagan, and the wily cunning of Nixon!
You're talking about the Isn't this the dude who choked on a pretzel and says "nuke-u-lar", right?
It's all part of his secret plan to take down the Saudis!
Right...

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