It used to be "wunnerful, wunnerful." But now it's "dogga-shit, dogga-shit." Nobody even knows how to tap-dance in front of a big band anymore. Ever see anybody willing to tap dance in front of Brian Setzer's creepy ass? He'd probably tell them to shut up. And you wouldn't catch one of the Lennon Sisters fucking one of the Squirrel Nut Zippers. Oh, they'd zip 'em up all right -- they'd feed their nuts to some squirrels, too. Lawrence Welk was right -- the world is a fucked-up shithole full of fuckheads. He wanted to rename his band "The Fuck You, Assholes", but the fuckers at Geritol wouldn't let him. So he shit in a box once a day until he'd sent one to every member of the Geritol board of directors. It got so bad that the most often-heard comment around their offices was "Well, have you gotten your box of shit from Lawrence Welk today?" And that's why there's no champagne music anymore, the fuckers.