Hi kiddies. I just wanted to stop by to remind everyone that there really is no such thing as Santa Clause. No Jesus either. I'm pretty sure there aren't even any sugar plum fairies. None that I've ever seen, anyway. Yep. Christmas is pretty much a big marketing scam. In this garish holiday season, please bear in mind that we're all doomed to die alone -- and that in the meantime we're living a horrible, horrible lie.

Well, Police Navidad, and all that. Be sure to indulge freely in the numbing release of alcohol in this, the dreariest of seasons.

Will do.

wat did yu say about jesus

Everything you said is wrong.

Coca-Cola totally invented Santa Claus' wardrobe.

I thought I saw some sugar plum fairies in a salon once. They were these muscular men with streaky blonde hair.

Hey, my wife's on bed rest so now I don't have to do the dreaded shuffle off to Buffalo for Christmas. It's almost enough to make me believe there might be some sort of deity, but not quite enough.

Santa is your one true God. Repent before him and redeem yurselves by maxing out your credit cards on worthless crap for people you care little to nothing about.

I hate Christmas because I have to buy presents for my fucking loved ones.

Out of my own pocket! I mean, holy hell!