Why are you assholes ALWAYS on your cell phones? What in Hell's septic tank could you possibly be yammering about all the fucking time? Do you really need to blow your every slightest so-called thought into the broadcast spectrum for some distant lucky person to hear? Is that piece of shit glued to your slack and gaping face or what? Don't you ever wonder what it's like to be away from the phone right now? That's right! I'm away from the phone! Right now! Leave a message! Fuck you!

They are just hardcore Matrix fans constantly trying to jack in. I'm the opposite though. You'd like me, boo. I'm constantly jacking off.

Look at this vapid yuppie bitch blabbing the contents of a fucking wine label to her boyfriend who is undoubtedly so bored he's about to pour himself a glass of Drano instead.

YEAH, I'M IN SOME KINDA FUCKING MUSEUM! CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW? GOOD! SO CAN EVERYONE ELSE, YOU SELF-OBSESSED DIPSHIT!

Could you speak up? I seem to have wandered into the middle of fucking traffic!

Why don't you both hang up the phone and flirt with each other, you Darwinian dead ends?

Holy shit, these guys look important!

Let me read between the lines here...

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They are just... constantly... jacking off.

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i will never own one of those infernal devices, dagnabbit!

I hate all phones.

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Could you speak up? I seem to have wandered into the middle of fucking traffic!

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I lika the new hands-free cellphones. Now, whenever I yammer to myself in public, people just assume I'm on a cellphone. Ha ha! I'm not crazy, just a rudeass sumbitch, right? You tuned me out and now I got your wallet! I always wanted to go to Tahiti and your credit cards are paying for it! I love Americans!

My wife and I say we'd never let a kid have one, if we had a kid, but we wonder how it will be in the future. Like, in ten years maybe they'll just be built into their fucking backpacks or something, and there'll be nothing you can do about it. Anyone here got kids and having to deal with this shit now?

I have million of potential kids, none of which live long enough to own a mobile phone

Instead they die on the bathroom mirror.

Why are you assholes always on the internet? Is your every thought so important that it needs to wend its way into the homes of complete strangers throughout the English-speaking world? You self-important fuck-faces. Get away from that computer and read a book.

Come to think of it, why are you fuckers always reading books? Is some dickhead author's every thought so important that it needs to be stamped on the corpses of dead trees and... ect., ect.

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Is some dickhead author's every thought so important that it needs to be stamped on the corpses of dead trees

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Why are you assholes always on the internet? Is your every thought so important that it needs to wend its way into the homes of complete strangers throughout the English-speaking world?

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Yeah? Well you don't see me wandering around Safeway with the fucking internet stapled to my face making some poor remote fucker plus everyone in earshot listen to me babble at the top of my oxygen-wasting lungs about the price of Cheese-Nips, you fucking cement brain.

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Truely I am the master-debater.

I stand errected

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Truely I am the masterbater.

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Point taken. No more attempts at serious discussion.

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Point taken. No more attempts at serious discussion.

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Truely I am the master-debater.

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Truely I am the masterbater.

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Point taken. No more attempts at serious discussion.

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Shove a cell phone down your kid's throat. Stomp on your kid. Tell your kid an eternity in Hell is waiting for him/her.

The tumor in my brain sends a shout out to verizon mobile. Thanks, buddies!

It's heavy as hell, but it's also COOL AS CRAP!

Did you know that a cellphone has more bacteria on it than a toilet seat? Remember that when you're text voting for some untalented pudknocker on American Idol or yapping (at a decibel level rivaled only by a jet engine) to your friend about your erectile dysfunction problem in a crowded room.

Better yet, jam that cellphone up your ass. You'll probably clean it off.

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Did you know that a cellphone has more bacteria on it than a toilet seat?

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Did you know that a cellphone has more bacteria on it than a toilet seat?

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Friend of mine works for Alltel. He would like to strangle people, I think:

woodsmoke81: we had tornadoes and bad, bad lightning storms the past 2 days
IvyThePlantae: yeah, i saw you guys were getting slammed by some massive counterclockwise-rotating storm that took up the whole midwest
woodsmoke81: it was non-stop lightning and thunder and sirens... it was crazy
woodsmoke81: I was at work and was on the phone with some bitch from Kentucky complaining that her phone and DSL were out and that she "Had to watch Dr. Phil" and how we were majorly inconveniencing her by making her miss Dr. Phil
woodsmoke81: I said "Ma'am, we're currently under a tornado warning here, and we have to take cover. I will finish your trouble ticket when I get back."
woodsmoke81: She had the nerve to say "I don't care if you have a tornado warning, fix my phone!!!!"
woodsmoke81: she started to cuss me out and I was like "Ma'am... Ma'am... MA'AM, I HAVE TO GO NOW"

woodsmoke81: being a phone repair rep really sucks
woodsmoke81: it pays $11 an hour, but still, it sucks... I take 100+ calls a day of angry people who are absolutely crazy and think their world is falling apart because their phone is out of service
woodsmoke81: and 90% of the time, it's due to areawide outages from thunderstorms or hurricanes
woodsmoke81: and all of them are either 1.) dying 2.) have cancer 3.) are pregnant or 4.) run a home business and therefore MUST have their phone NOW
woodsmoke81: I had a lady say "I am 10 1/2 months pregnant and I need my phone to call my obstetrician"

I'm so glad I came back to this place.

I know, huh?

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I have one of those handsets.

Now, if I could just find my cell phone...

According to Google, this is a picture of a "cell phone."

ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring BANANA PHONE!

Strangely, Google thinks this is a picture of "phone whore":

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I thought we weren't allowed to post tits because it offended certain users.

Man ass is still okay though.

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According to Google, this is a phone fucker.

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I walked out of a resteraunt today and the first thing I saw outside was this kid who couldn't have been over seven years old yakkin away on a cell phone. Who the fuck does he have to call? What the fuck would they talk about?

Boy1: Biwwy wike, totawwy stuck a cwayon up her nose, the stupid dipshit.
Boy2: Yeah I know. He showd weawwy go fuck a twee.
Boy1: Oh, did you get to see the new stack of contwuction papew at schoow today? It was totawwy top of the wine.
Boy2: No way, man. I was too busy stawing at Miss Andewsons totawwy fine ass. I'd wike to bang that shit wike a fuckin' dwum.

Here is a poem I wrote about people who use cel phones:

Cell phone fuckers
Beep-beep! Smash!
Flabbity creech gibble gorp,
You are dead.

cellphone haiku

your call cannot be
completed as dialed please leave
a message at tone