As some of you know (or choose to ignore), I'm engaged and planning my wedding for fall of next year. Where I will extend an invite to whomever would be willing to make the foray into Canadia-land, that's not why I'm starting this thread (if you are interested, please let me know so I can work you into my guest list!!)

The reason I start this is to ask advice. A fair few people on this site are married, or have been to weddings, and I'm just starting the planning stages of everything.

I've already pissed off the fiance's parents, in that I'm not bending over backwards to have a Mennonite wedding, solely because THEY want us to have a Mennonite wedding. Fiance feels the same way I do, so 14 months before our wedding we're already alienating people. Hooray!

If you have any advice, comments, or just general ideas on weddings, please fill me in. I already know that Mennonites + Open Bar = BAD IDEA (come to think of it, ANYONE + Open Bar = bad idea), and that wedding favours aren't necessary... But anything cool or 'neat-o' that you've seen/done at wedding recently is good enough for me!!

Congrats!

Structure your seating chart so that the Mennonites are on the other side of the room from the bar; out of sight, out of mind...

That's a tough spot to be in, but honestly the most important thing is that you and your fiance agree on the big issues. If you guys can stand up together against everyone else you'll be fine.

The sad fact is that most people (read: your families and friends) will so disappoint and shock you throughout this entire process that by then end of it you'll wonder how you're actually related (or friend-ed) to them. I was wondering if they were fucking human. To keep our sanity during the process we had to tell ourselves that it wasn't actually their fault; they were just so excited that they were forgetting to not be assholes. I mean, that's just what people do when it comes to weddings - forget that it's yours.

As far as pissing people off, we pissed off every Colombian Catholic and white Lutheran member of our family by getting my black-sheep-of-the-family father ordained on the internet so he could register with the State of Louisiana to conduct the ceremony for free in a park off Canal Street. The morning of, I spent two hours picking up used needles and crack pipes so the place would be spiffy for the only thirty or so people invited. And because we're lucky enough to have too many good siblings and friends, we decided not to have bridal parties. No Best Man, no bridesmaids, nothing. Why should we if we don't want to? After the completely gratis, outdoor, 15-minute ceremony we headed a block away to a bar I'd rented out and just had a fucking rip-roaring party. Whole shebang - $1300 worth of booze and music. Month-long honeymoon to Europe and Belize - $7000.

I understand the understated route isn't for everyone, and I'm not trying to sell it. But the point is we looked out for us on that day. Everyone else has had their chance to get married; that was ours. I know people who don't do that for themselves and they resent their families and friends and even significant others for it for a looong time.

I'm ordained in the Universal Life Church. Would your relatives mind having a gay atheist conduct your ceremony?

I am also a ordained ULC reverend, maybe you want me to come along too, i'm not gay, but I'm a 19 year old athiest that knows a few mennonite jokes.

One thing I've learned from watching all those wedding disaster videos on TV is: don't plan for everything to be complicated, perfect, and storybook romantic, because that shit never works like it's supposed to.  If things fuck up, laugh it off instead of thinking "No!  No!  My perfect wedding day is ruined!  The marriage is cursed!" 

When my brother got married, the church's organ speakers were picking up local police radio broadcasts throughout the ceremony.  We all thought it was funny, so it's a good memory instead of a bad one. 

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choadwarrior wrote:
I'm ordained in the Universal Life Church. Would your relatives mind having a gay atheist conduct your ceremony?

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gaytheist is an awesome word

^ agreed. Gaytheist is probably the coolest word I'm not currently using. I hope I can find a way to work it into my daily conversation.

As for wedding advice and such, I'm always around. Send me your latest telephone number and I'll give you a call some time when I've slept.

Some stuff I found awesome and helpful:

- If you're getting a DJ, find one who has done weddings before. They'll pretty much guide your reception (introducing you as Mr. and Mrs., introducing the wedding party and your parents, announcing your first dance, etc.)

- Craft stores have EVERYTHING. All the way from dissolvable rice to those arch things that people like to stand under for their vows.

- Fake flowers suck for bridal bouquets. If avoidable, I wouldn't skip that expense.

- Small children eat things. Be sure your flower girl and ringbearer (if you have them) are over the age of 3. Well, you're probably not really in the clear until they're over the age of 16, but even then you have to watch them.

- If you have a long gown, wear canvas (those really super cheap lace-up shoes) shoes under your dress. No one will know the difference. Do you really want to wear heels for 5-12 hours?

- Be sure to promote someone to the position of "bathroom assistant" if you buy a really formal wedding gown. You would not believe how difficult that simple task is. Considering having a "reception outfit" (these are those sweatsuits that say Mrs.______ on the back that are so popular) is also a good idea.

That's all I can think of immediately.

1. You're going to have to put up with your parents trying to run everything. If they are helping you pay for the thing, you should give them some concessions out of courtesy. If they aren't helping you pay for it, don't let them decide on anything unless you honestly want their input.
2. Your fiance is going to feel like he's in the way, as the majority of the planning is based on the bride-to-be's wants (you are the star of the show). Even if he doesn't want to make any decisions, let him make reservations and whatnot so you have less to worry about and he actually feels useful.
3. Do NOT give anyone authority to put people on the guest list if you have a set number in mind. My wife and I specifically told my mother-in-law that we had a set number (100) and that we would consider inviting anyone she felt should come, and she went and invited ten people we couldn't then uninvite.

You should wear suits of armour and then when your in-laws are like "WTF!!" you say, "Oooh, I thought you said Menno-KNIGHT."

My wife and I got married in LasVegas but it was a fairly traditional thing, not the wedding chappel/Elvis type. We went this route after a lot of planning for a local wedding made it clear to us that if we make attendees travel (fairly cheaply) to a remote location where they are guarunteed a good time, we would limit the guests to ONLY the people that really wanted to be there. This meant 40 people. Then when we got home we had another reception for the friends that couldn't make it and anyone else that was just there for the booze. This whole thing really kept the costs down and eliminated a ton of the stress.

Well, all I did is sit back and say "Yeah, that sounds good" a lot, so I don't have any good advice to give.

Except that if it's raining, cut a hole in the bottom of a lawn and leaf bag and wear that over your dress to the church.  It kept Sarah's dress completely dry in a downpour, plus made for some amusing wedding photos.

Oh and don't let your best man get shitfaced drunk in the limo between the ceremony and the reception, cause that can lead to some extremely awkward moments, such as when he hits on your married sister-in-law and almost starts a fight.

Meeeemmmmmorrieeeeeeeeeesss...

Marriage isn't for everyone, so I hope you really feel like you're ready to take the plunge.  If you are, congrats!  I'm married and love it, even though it has it's pros and cons.

Weddings, however, are chock full of cons and have only one pro:  the reception.  My wife and I have few regrets, but one of the regrets we do have is spending so much fucking money on a damned ceremony.  It's rediculous, pointless, expensive, time-consuming, and (as someone mentioned) will not turn out exactly the way you want it no matter what you do.  You're guarenteed to pile huge amounts of stress on yourself for no real purpose except to try to please a whole bunch of people with orthogonal expectations.

So skip the hassle... get hitched at city hall and throw a party for whomever you want to celebrate this big step with you.

You might want to check out All Dressed in White : The Irresistible Rise of the American Wedding by Carol Wallace.  Interesting stuff.

I endorse all of the above.

I'd also add, if you can't deal with the in-laws, talk about it now. When you get married you accept everything about your other half that goes along with them, including family and beliefs.  Best do it now than put it off.  

   Talk it through, whatever the consequences  - it'll be better than not talking about them. And be prepared to accept that you cant make everything perfect. Acceptable is enough. 

PS can I bring my record box?

I'll say one thing for terrible in-laws:  they make good material for comics!

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bike wrote:

I'll say one thing for terrible in-laws:  they make good material for comics!

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Lies. MY family is better comic material than my husband's. I'm probably material for my in-law's comics.

I was going to offer you the exact same advice as Scyess, he beat me to it.  A traditional church wedding is so stressful and expensive! 

If it were me, City Hall quick marriage in the morning, go home to celebrate in private & rest during the afternoon, and then party all night with family and friends.  

I could never understand people going into debt to put on a big display when you could use that money for a nice li'l honeymoon somewhere, maybe a cruise?  Or toward your first house together.

Relax and don't worry what anyone else thinks, as long as the two of you can decide together.

And if I haven't already said it, Congratulations!!! 

A Mennonite wedding?

Don't marry a Mennonite?

I wish I could marry a Mooninite... that'd be pretty awesome.

Jesley, you are certainly welcome to bring your record box. Mine and Tyler's friends appreciate eclectic music, so we'll be rocking out no matter what.

The fiancee's parents have yet to speak to either of us, despite the fact that we had talked to them over a week ago about everything. I've heard back from the church that I really wanted to go to, and as its looking, its $250 for the : church, minister, organist (does anyone else find that word as amusing as I do?!). There's also a MASSIVE reception hall in the basement, which I'm hoping we can also rent because that would make things so much mo' betta.

I agree with the DJ thing, chicka, solely because they can gauge the attitude of the people. I was originally going to hook up my laptop to whatever sound system is available and make a bunch of playlists... but then someone has to play DJ anyway.

I appreciate the "warnings" (but they're not warnings, really... just making sure that everything's alright) about getting married too early... we're definitely ready for it though.

A friend of ours is Internets ordained in the ULC... but sadly, Canada doesn't recognize the ULC as an actual religion. Curses!

Where we would love to just have a small, intimate, JP wedding... both my parents and his have expressed that they want a church wedding.

The fiancee said I could book whatever church I wanted. WIN!

Thanks for the advice, guys. Keep it coming, because its really helpful. For serious.

wear nothing but whipped cream

ps super congradudadulations!

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little_kitty wrote:

Where we would love to just have a small, intimate, JP wedding... both my parents and his have expressed that they want a church wedding. 

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Aren't your parents and his married already?  Do what you would love to do, sweetie... they had their chance to do what they wanted, but this one is for you. 

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pita wrote:

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little_kitty wrote:

Where we would love to just have a small, intimate, JP wedding... both my parents and his have expressed that they want a church wedding.

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Aren't your parents and his married already? Do what you would love to do, sweetie... they had their chance to do what they wanted, but this one is for you.

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I agree with them in that the formality of a church ceremony is something that I would be looking for, and my parents could really care less what type of ceremony it is. My mom actually suggested United Church, just for their open-mindedness. But the fiancee's parents were really pushing for the Mennonite church...

As it stands, they still haven't spoken to us... the fiancee thinks that it will be another 3 months until they do.

My wife and I planned our wedding for the spring of 2000.  Then in the summer of 1999, we went on over to the county courthouse and got hitched.  This was primarily so that I could get cheap health insurance through her job.  It was a lot less painful than the real wedding.

That was a big, fancy Catholic affair, attended by scads of her family and a decent number of my own that traveled to Oregon for it.  There wasn't a horrific amount of planning since my wife's sister and brother had both done had similar weddings, so ours was more or less a clone of theirs.  

In looking back, I'll admit that the ceremony itself really wasn't that important to me.  If you're the type of person who has been looking forward to your wedding day your entire life, then maybe a big fancy thing is right up your alley.

More than anything I enjoyed a good reason to see friends and family that had an excuse to congregate for the occasion.  The only downside is that all the crap you generally deal with, pictures, planning, etc., kinda gets in the way of spending time with those people.

One thing I firmly believe in is that aside from your spouse to be, you shouldn't spend too much time worrying about what other people want or expect.  If the two of you would be fine with a small, quiet ceremony in your backyard with some close family and friends, then do that.  Just because someone's mom wants a gigantic ceremony with an orchestra playing and a parade and a petting zoo doesn't mean you have to do it.

With the divorce rate where it is, you've got like a 50/50 chance of things working out anyway, so you can probably try it again later. 

I knew a guy once who married this girl that he'd only known for a week. They got married in his livingroom. I filmed the ceremony with my Super 8mm movie camera (this was before home video). After that, we all got wasted. They managed to stay married for about a year.