All comics by CarpeVerbatim

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by CarpeVerbatim
6-17-04
I hope they never find out that lightning has a lot of vitamins in it.
Because do you hide from it or not?

 

by CarpeVerbatim
6-17-04
As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I stood on the zebra crossing thinking about life.
Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling?
Sometimes it seemed that way.

 

by CarpeVerbatim
6-17-04
I'm not afraid of insects taking over the world, and you know why?
It would take about a billion ants just to AIM a gun at me, let alone fire it. And you know what I'm doing while they're aiming it at me?
I just sort of slip off to the side, and then suddenly run up and kick the gun out of their hands.

 

by CarpeVerbatim
6-17-04
You know, about the funniest thing there is, is a wounded seal,
Trying to swim to shore.
Because WHERE DOES HE THINK HE'S GOING?!

 

by CarpeVerbatim
6-17-04
I wish I had a dollar for every time I spent a dollar.
Because then, yahoo!
I'd have all my money back.

 

by CarpeVerbatim
6-17-04
I'm telling you, just attach a big parachute TO THE PLANE ITSELF!
Is anyone listening to me?!

 

by CarpeVerbatim
6-17-04
For mad scientists who keep brains alive in jars, here's a tip:
Why not add a slice of lemon to each jar,
For freshness.

 

by CarpeVerbatim
6-17-04
After I die, wherever my spirit goes,
I'm going to try to get back and visit my skeleton at least once a year,
Because, "Hey, old buddy, how's it going?"

 

by CarpeVerbatim
6-17-04
I hope that someday we will be able to put away our fears and prejudices,
And just laugh at people.

 

by CarpeVerbatim
6-18-04
I'd like to see a nature film where an eagle swoops down and pulls a fish out of a lake,
And then maybe he's flying along, low to the ground, and the fish pulls a worm out of the ground.
Now that's a documentary!

 

by CarpeVerbatim
6-18-04
If you think a weakness can be turned into a strength,
I hate to tell you this,
But that's another weakness.

 

by CarpeVerbatim
6-18-04
If you ever fall off the Sears Tower,
Just go real limp,
Maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy.

 

by CarpeVerbatim
6-18-04
Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine.
Which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.

 

by CarpeVerbatim
6-18-04
You know what would be the most terrifying thing that could ever happen to a flea?
Getting caught inside a watch somehow.
You don't even care, do you.

 

by CarpeVerbatim
6-18-04
I think somebody should come up with a way to breed a very large shrimp.
That way, you could ride him, then after you camped at night, you could eat him.
How about it, science?

 

by CarpeVerbatim
6-18-04
I wish everybody would have to have an electric thing implanted in our heads that gave us a shock whenever we did something to disobey the president.
Then somehow I get myself elected president.

 

by CarpeVerbatim
6-18-04
The first thing was, I learned to forgive myself.
Then, I told myself, "Go ahead and do whatever you want, it's okay by me."

 

by CarpeVerbatim
6-18-04
Whenever someone asks me to define love,
I usually think for a minute,
Then I spin around and pin the guy's arm behind his back. NOW who's asking the questions?

 

by CarpeVerbatim
6-18-04
There are many stages to a man's life. In the first stage, he is young and eager, like a beaver.
In the second stage, he wants to build things, like dams, and maybe chew down some trees.
In the third stage, he feels trapped, and then "skinned." I'm not sure what the fourth stage is.

 

by CarpeVerbatim
6-18-04
I remember how my Great Uncle Jerry would sit on the porch and whittle all day long.
Once he whittled me a toy boat out of a larger toy boat I had. It was almost as good as the first one, except now it had bumpy whittle marks all over it.
And no paint, because he had whittled off the paint.

 

by CarpeVerbatim
6-18-04
If I ever get real rich, I hope I'm not real mean to poor people.
Like I am now.

 

by CarpeVerbatim
6-18-04
I hope that after I die,
People will say of me:
"That guy sure owed me a lot of money."

 

by CarpeVerbatim
6-18-04
If the Vikings were around today,
They would probably be amazed at how much glow-in-the-dark stuff we have,
And how we take so much of it for granted.

 

by CarpeVerbatim
6-18-04
Instead of trying to build newer and bigger weapons of destruction,
We should be thinking about,
Getting more use out of the ones we already have.

 

by CarpeVerbatim
6-18-04
I can picture in my mind a world without war,
A world without hate.
And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.

 

by CarpeVerbatim
6-18-04
To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around.
That way, if anybody says, "Hey, can you give me a hand?"
You can say, "Sorry, got these sacks."

 

by CarpeVerbatim
6-18-04
Instead of a trap door, what about a trap window?
The guy looks out it, and if he leans too far, he falls out.
Wait. I guess that's like a regular window.

 

by CarpeVerbatim
6-18-04
When I found the skull in the woods, the first thing I did was call the police.
But then I got curious about it. I picked it up, and started wondering who this person was.
And why he had deer horns.

 

by CarpeVerbatim
6-18-04
I wish I would have a real tragic love affair,
And get so bummed out that I'd just quit my job and become a bum for a few years,
Because I was thinking about doing that anyway.

 

by CarpeVerbatim
6-18-04
When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman.
After school we'd all go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat one of us.
It wasn't until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear.

 

by CarpeVerbatim
6-18-04
If you're an ant,
And you're walking along across the top of a cup of pudding,
You probably have no idea that the only thing between you and disaster is the strength of that pudding skin.

 

by CarpeVerbatim
6-18-04
If I was the head of a country that lost a war, and I had to sign a peace treaty,
Just as I was signing I'd glance over the treaty and then suddenly act surprised.
"Wait a minute! I thought WE won!"

 

by CarpeVerbatim
6-18-04
Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo, flying across in front of a beautiful sunset?
And he's carrying a beautiful rose in his beak, and also he's carrying a very beautiful painting with his feet.
And also, you're drunk.

 

by CarpeVerbatim
6-18-04
If you ever catch on fire,
Try to avoid seeing yourself in the mirror,
Because I bet that's what REALLY throws you into a panic.

 

by CarpeVerbatim
7-02-04
Consider the daffodil.
And while you're doing that I'll be over here looking through your stuff.

 

by CarpeVerbatim
7-02-04
The face of a child can say it all.
Especially the mouth part of the face.
Dammit. I should have thought of that before I untied her.

 

by CarpeVerbatim
7-02-04
Sometimes, I think you have to march right in and demand your rights.
Even if you don't know what your rights are, or who the person is you're talking to.
Then on the way out, slam the door.

 

by CarpeVerbatim
7-02-04
You know, if you're a cowboy,
And you're dragging a guy behind your horse,
I bet it would really make you mad if you looked back and the guy was reading a magazine.

 

by CarpeVerbatim
7-02-04
Some folks say it was a miracle.
Saint Francis suddenly appeared and knocked the next pitch clean over the fence.
But I think it was just a lucky swing.

 

by CarpeVerbatim
7-02-04
I hope some animal never bores a hole in my head and lays its eggs in my brain.
Because later you might think you're having a good idea,
But it's just eggs hatching.

 

by CarpeVerbatim
7-02-04
During the Middle Ages,
Probably one of the biggest mistakes was not putting on your armor,
Because you were "just going down to the corner."

 

by CarpeVerbatim
7-02-04
Whether they ever find life there or not, I think Jupiter should be considered an enemy planet.

 

by CarpeVerbatim
7-02-04
The old pool shooter had won many a game in his life. But now it was time to hang up the cue.
When he did, all the other cues came crashing to the floor.
"Sorry," he said with a smile.

 

by CarpeVerbatim
7-02-04
If there's ever an amusement park called 'Bag World' I bet it would really start to annoy you after a while how they really sort of stretch the definition of 'bag'.

 

by CarpeVerbatim
7-02-04
One day one of my little nephews came up to me and asked me if the equator was a real line that went around the Earth, or just an imaginary one.
I had to laugh. Laugh and laugh.
Because I didn't know, and I thought that maybe by laughing he would forget what he asked me.

 

by CarpeVerbatim
7-02-04
If you ever crawl inside an old hollow log and go to sleep,
And while you're in there some guys come and seal up both ends and then put it on a truck and take it to another city, boy,
I don't know what to tell you.

 

by CarpeVerbatim
7-02-04
If you're traveling in a time machine, and you're eating corn on the cob,
I don't think it's going to affect things one way or the other.
But here's the point I'm trying to make: Corn on the cob is good, isn't it.

 

by CarpeVerbatim
7-02-04
How come the dove gets to be the peace symbol?
How about the pillow?
It has more feathers than the dove, and it doesn't have that dangerous beak.

 

by CarpeVerbatim
7-02-04
My new millionaire idea is one regular shoe, and one 'swolen' shoe.
For when you get bit by a rattlesnake.

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