All comics by Zmaj

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by Zmaj
8-29-02
500 cargo! Finally a decent ship! Now I'll show them... Hey! What happened?
Mom, do you happen to know why I can't connect to the internet?
I permanently disconnected it, dear. It's time you get some studying done.
Mom, do you realize there's a shared trader drifting to outer space as we speak?
Tell it to your teacher. He's at the door.

 

by Zmaj
8-29-02
Look, teach, I'll get my grades back up, I promise...
Too late. I've already told your mother to keep you from playing Merchant Empires.
Oh no. Please tell her you were joking... Hey, wait a minute! How did you know that?
That's what you get for busting my base.
You're... Galactic Fury!!!
So, Space Plague, we meet again. But this time the advantage is mine!!!

 

by Zmaj
8-29-02
Please, teach, be merciful. I'll give you some credits as soon as I earn them.
Ah well... okay. Let's shake hands.
I'm glad we settled that... OW!!! What was in that needle?
Lightning flu virus. I want to make sure you don't log in before I destroy your ship.
Miss Jones, your son has a flu. Be prepared for hallucinations.
Galactic Fury!!! Argh... Choke... Your ass is mine!!!

 

by Zmaj
8-29-02
Mom's gone to work. Must... crawl... to... computer...
Who are you?
Your nurse.

 

by Zmaj
8-29-02
Go fetch my computer, nurse.
No can do. I've got specific orders to keep you away from your PC.
Please let me go. It's a matter of life and death.
Your mom pays me 10 bucks a day. What have you got?
Uh... would you take ME credits?
Look, son, I may be a nurse, but I'm not THAT stupid.

 

by Zmaj
8-30-02
Nurse, let me use the computer or else...
Or else what, maggot?
Well, the police will certainly be interested in a serial rapist.
Hey, be cool, man. The computer is yours.
Talk about a lucky guess.

 

by Zmaj
8-30-02
Someone's at the door. I'll get it.
So my nurse is a rapist. I should do my duty as a citizen and report him... But I must check Merchant Empires first.
Oh hello Miss Jones. Look what I've got here...
Hey, my ship is still intact! Only 20 sectors and I'm safe!
EEEK!!! Help, he's raping me!!!
Try to resist, Mom. I'll be with you as soon as I dock the ship.

 

by Zmaj
9-05-02
After winning the Merchant Empires award for this comic, I decided to kill you off. Any last words?
I don't want to die!
What use are you to me, kid?
I could be the son you never had.
My son? Hmmm... Maybe my bitch...
My author is a tyrannical pervert. There must be some way out of here...

 

by Zmaj
9-05-02
So I'm a tyrannical pervert, huh? This ain't helping you, boy. Maybe you're not aware that I can read your thoughts, and so can anybody else who reads this comic.
This is abuse! I'll complain to the Comic Code Authority!
No authority on this site. It's a no man's land. Fuck!!! Cocksucker!!!! Bitch!!! See? Nothing happened.
I have a free will. I'll figure a way out.
You're getting pretty serious. But how can you escape, my poor boy? I'm God here. Look, I can make you invisible just for my entertainment.
God doesn't humiliate His creatures, you bastard!

 

by Zmaj
9-05-02
If you want your body back, shout "Zmaj is the best comic author ever and I’m his faithful slave!"
I may be invisible, but I still have my dignity.
You’re boring me. I’m deleting you entirely.
I’m back to stay, you bastard.

 

by Zmaj
9-05-02
Y-y-y-you made it back without me selecting your character!
Yeah, and I’m staying, whether you like it or not.
I do like it! It’s a miracle! My character has a life of his own!
No, I don’t. There’s a reason for my autonomy, but you won’t like it.
Shoot.
You’re schizophrenic.

 

by Zmaj
9-05-02
You’re telling me I can’t delete you because I’m crazy.
Not only that. You don’t have any control over the comic any more. I can invite anyone I like.
Such as?
Oh no! I hate that character!
TOBOR HATE YOU TOO!!!

 

by Zmaj
9-05-02
Well, since I can’t control this comic any more, I’ll just stop writing it.
I’ve got news for you, creator. Your mental state has degenerated so much that you can be turned into a character now.
Wha---!!!
There you go. I’ll be leaving now, but don’t worry, Tobor will keep you company. Your new form is particularly suited to his tastes.
Oh my God
GIVE HEAD TO TOBOR!!!

 

by Zmaj
9-21-02
Playing Risk, 10 pm
awww... i wanted that continent
sorry dad. can i go to sleep now?
Playing Risk, 01 am
if i take congo, he'll move to egypt...
dad... i need to go to the toilet...

 

by Zmaj
9-21-02
Playing Risk, 10 pm
aww... i wanted that continent
sorry dad. can i go to sleep now?
Playing Risk, 1 am
if i take congo, he'll move to egypt...
dad... i need to go to the toilet...please...
Playing Risk, 5 am
you're not going anywhere until you eat that

 

by Zmaj
9-21-02
hey, son, did i tell you how i bowled yesterday? well, to make a long story short...
yes, dad?
blah blah blah blah blah blah
toilet
are you listening to me, son? what did i say first?

 

by Zmaj
9-21-02
dad, why have you never told me who my mother was?
son, you were made in china
you're always joking, dad! i wish i was so funny. but really, who was my mother?
son, you were made in china
enough! i'm in pain, can't you see that? i'll kill myself if you don't tell me!
son, you were made in china

 

by Zmaj
9-21-02
son, why don't you go out and play like all normal kids?
but dad...
no buts!!! go out and play!!!
ok

 

by Zmaj
9-21-02
son, why don't you go out and play like all normal kids?
but dad...
no buts!!! go out and play!!!
ok

 

by Zmaj
9-21-02
son, when are you going to clean up your room? it smells like a pigsty!
but dad, you took a shit in my room five minutes ago!
what kind of a lame excuse is that?

 

by Zmaj
9-23-02
dad, why did you take the money from my piggy bank?
we're a poor family, son. we need all the money we can get.
but dad, you're listed in forbes 400
don't believe their lies, son.

 

by Zmaj
9-23-02
dad, this is lucy, my girlfriend
why, if it isn't the old wham-bam-thank-you-ma'm! how's it going, man?
lu, i haven't seen you since that night in the barn. come, sit in the old man's lap
oh, you're not that old after all... mmhhh... come, billy, join us

 

by Zmaj
9-23-02
dad, you bought flowers? how come?
it's for lucy, son. she's pregnant with my child and she'll be living here from now on
that whore!!!! dad, how could you!!!!
now, now, son. don't insult your mother. we married yesterday
and don't drive nails in your forehead, you'll have a headache again

 

by Zmaj
10-11-02
dad, you married my girlfriend
you denied your mother, son
i hurt more, dad
son, i hurt deeper
aargh... ugh... ugh... who hur - ack - hurts more now?
that's foul game, son

 

by Zmaj
8-05-04
oh God show yourself to me
well, i'll be damned. what's the meaning of life?
no habla ingles

 

by Zmaj
8-06-04
God, tell me wh...
WOOF!!! WOOF!!! WOOF!!! WOOF!!! WOOF!!! WOOF!!! WOOF!!! WOOF!!! WOOF!!! WOOF!!!
God, tell me wh...
WOOF!!! WOOF!!! WOOF!!! WOOF!!! WOOF!!! WOOF!!! WOOF!!! WOOF!!! WOOF!!! WOOF!!!

 

by Zmaj
8-06-04
God, tell me wh...
WOOF!!! WOOF!!! WOOF!!! WOOF!!! WOOF!!! WOOF!!! WOOF!!! WOOF!!!
SHUT UP!!!!!!
Am I damned now?

 

by Zmaj
8-06-04
It seems God is a Spanish-speaking canine...
living la vida loca
I need to see a psychiatrist.
...and so I found out God is a Mexican dog.
Stupid bitch on acid.
I see... when did you first sleep with your father?

 

by Zmaj
8-06-04
God is a speaking dog. I'll prove it.
Yeah, and I'm a second-hand sex doll.
que pasa?
OH MY GOD!!!
you called?

 

by Zmaj
8-06-04
Hello, psychiatrist. I God. I comes see you.
Oh, my God, it's God!!!... How come your English is so bad?
Be too long in Third World. Only they wants me.
Am I going to have a revelation?
I comes for therapy.
$200 per hour

 

by Zmaj
8-06-04
woof
woof
woof
WILL YOU STOP SPINNING!!!

 

by Zmaj
8-06-04
your
eyelids
Dog (God) is hypnotizing the psychiatrist...
are
getting
very
heavy

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