All comics by not_a_new_user

 

My car can accelerate from 0 to 25 in less than 30 seconds! Impressed?
Watch out!
by not_a_new_user, 1-16-09

 

by not_a_new_user
1-16-09
President Bush's Final Public Address
My fellow Americans, when I said we had to start the war with Iraq, it was a hoax.
I am sorry if any of you misunderestimated me.

 

by not_a_new_user
1-17-09
A flying craft crashes into the water.
The craft sinks and all of the living escape.
The captain sees the Statue of Liberty amid other tall buildings. He pounds his fist into the shore of the Hudson River.
Damn the media for blowing this out of proportion! Damn them all to hell!

 

by not_a_new_user
1-17-09
In life I was your business partner, Marley. My fate shall befall you too, unless you can change your ways, Ebeneezer!
You will be visited by three spirits...
I don't care about that! What was it like to work with Jennifer Aniston on the set of the movie?

 

Captain Kirk and Dr. McCoy
"Bones," what's your prognosis of the situation?
Jim, I'm dead!
by not_a_new_user, 1-17-09

 

by not_a_new_user
1-17-09
I must hurry if I am to blow them up!
Quick! Hide! He's coming!
Don't let him know we're here!
The surprise birthday party for my son was in the basement, and we wound up getting helium-filled balloons.
Ha. Ha. Ha. My watch must be broken.

 

by not_a_new_user
1-18-09
World Scrabble Championship
...and we're back. Pat is ahead and looks certain to be the winner. It's Stacy's turn, though.
The rest of the tiles are in their racks now. Here are the letters the players have in their racks, with their point values.
Pat: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Current Score: 420 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Left in the Rack: Z(10), Q(10), X(8), J(8), K(5), W(4), V(4)
Stacy: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Current Score: 327 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Left in the Rack: blank tile(0)

 

World Scrabble Championship
Stacy went out with the blank tile and made only one point, but Pat's unused letter points were subtracted from hers.
And Stacy got to add Pat's unused letter points. The final outcome is Stacy: 377, Pat 371. AMAZING!
by not_a_new_user, 1-18-09

 

by not_a_new_user
1-18-09
I built a working human, you know, the kind that is looking at us right now, and seated it in the company breakroom.
How was it received?
There was a piece of paper left in my locker telling me it was "stupid" and to "kill myself."
Well, did you try?
I grabbed an eraser and was threatening to use it on myself, when the human I created took it away from me.
Wow! The next time I leave a paper note in your locker, I'll make sure your human friend is taken out to lunch first!

 

I live at 28 Brown St. and my neighbor is at 82. We were the two finalists in a yard competition. I sent someone there with moles, but he wound up being dyslexic!
Ha. Ha.
by not_a_new_user, 1-18-09

 

by not_a_new_user
1-18-09
That's NOT a blackboard! It's green! There's no blackboard to write on!
Might you write on it if I call it a "chalkboard?"
Why are you standing in the background?
I'm not! You're just a big, overgrown boy!
What do you think of this?
If I had seen it around the house, I would have used it as a rag, but on you it looks good!

 

Barack is bi-racial, you know. To calm fears across the nation, he is having people sent to detention camps if they won't stop calling him "America's first black president."
His wife, Michelle, is already a resident of one of those camps!
by not_a_new_user, 1-20-09

 

I'M MAD AT YOU, TONY CRUISE!!!
Well, at least you're not cussing at me.
by not_a_new_user, 3-02-09

 

by not_a_new_user
3-19-09
Have your millions of people in the U.S. round up all of the "Tiger Haters" and report back to me.
Will do, Tiger!
But then Tiger's henchman gets into trouble of his own...
Darn! I didn't get the message out in time! What's going to happen to the "Anti-Tiger Haters?"
One of thousands of crematoria like it in the U.S.
I just took the ashes of Anti-Tiger Haters out of this crematorium. They struggled to get out at first.
We, so-called "Tiger Haters," are winning the war. We are getting their names from TGC discussion board.

 

by not_a_new_user
5-17-09
Would you be willing to fill out a survey as to whether this bank should put our pens on chains?
Sure. I'll do that.
I don't have a pen on me. Is there one here?
Oh, there WAS a pen here, but a customer took it. We REALLY should have had a chain for it!

 

by not_a_new_user
5-20-09
What's wrong, Matthew?
Boo hoo. I asked an Internet forum user what his education degree is, and he blew me off.
Well, don't you see? A smart preschooler could know an answer that a professor emeritus doesn't know, for instance. What would your question prove?
Then I was wrong to ask, and I showed my emotionalism in doing so.
Hey, thanks, professor! I will take a long break from talking to forum users in that manner!
You do that! Then there will be fewer arrogant JERKS on the Internet.

 

by not_a_new_user
6-01-09
Before we meet, I'm sending you this photo of me taken at the beach. I hope you like my six-pack.
Later...
Six-pack!? Yeah, right! And several more cans were thrown in for good measure!

 

by not_a_new_user
6-01-09
We were meant to be together. Listen, my mother says we can move into her basement anytime after we get married.
Married!? Hey, stay right there. Don't move. Make an "L" with your fingers on your forehead to stand for, er, Lisa, yeah, that's it. I'll find you that way.
See the man holding up the loser sign? Tell him that Lisa got killed. I'm getting the hell out of here!

 

by not_a_new_user
6-13-09
Celebrity dog, Monty, will be appearing at Royal Jewelers this Saturday. And, oh yeah, his owner, Francene, will be there, too.
Hi there, Monty!

 

by not_a_new_user
8-07-09
Hospital
Mrs. Periwinkle, twenty years ago you had an alien creature incubating inside your body.
Oh, my!
Mrs. Periwinkle, I wouldn't worry about what the doctor told you. He's such a kidder!
Alright then.
Have you seen my mommy? Her name is Mrs. Periwinkle.
! ! !

 

by not_a_new_user
8-18-09
Welcome to "Who Wants To Be The Worst Dancer?" I am Ryan Seacrust. I also am on "Overpaid Talent Judges." Our last entry is Clum See.
This is my robot dance that I'll use to start off my routine.
Five minutes later
Clum See, on a scale of 1 to 100, I rate it a -30.
Clum See, on a scale of 1 to 100, I rate it a -50.

 

by not_a_new_user
8-18-09
Boo hoo hoo. I did SO awful!
Clum See, are you forgetting already?
You got the worst ratings, so you're the winner! Congratulations on being the worst dancer!
Yay! That's great! The next show I'm going to compete on will be "Who is the worst driver during rush hour?"

 

Tuesday, Sept. 8, 2009
As President of the United States, I, Barack Obama, command all of you schoolchildren to turn in your parents' names to me if they do not agree with me.
Oh, right!
by not_a_new_user, 9-03-09

 
by not_a_new_user, 9-13-09

 

by not_a_new_user
9-13-09
You Tiger Woods fanatics enter up on this stage in groups of 12 at a time. You're going inside a dark room for a treat! We're going to pack you in.
Okay, Dotty!
Oh. that first bunch of fanatics were screaming so loudly before they died in that death chamber that they hurt my ears! Can you help?
Sure! Before I send in the next dozen, put in the ear plugs I left inside the desk.
Dotty, you are swell. Now we'll get through this crowd in no time!

 

by not_a_new_user
9-30-09
Indiana University Southeast
For this four month long course, you can expect to have five tests, daily quizzes and graded homework, reading assignments, two projects, ...
...Excuse me, but I don't see what all the fuss is about. Another student told me you gave a lot of work for a semester, but what you said sounds reasonable enough.
I wasn't finished when you interrupted. All of those assignments are in the FIRST WEEK!
Oh, no!

 

by not_a_new_user
12-28-09
I typed "I'm sorry if you will be missled."
Hmm.
Ahhhhh!
Wait! I just fixed my typo.
Next thing I know is that you'll type that you will be "razing" my house instead of "raising" my house.

 

by not_a_new_user
2-24-10
Can we have sex now?
Before that can happen, Simon says, "Stick out your left arm."
There!
You will have sex with me now.
I did NOT say Simon says.
Boo hoo hoo!

 

by not_a_new_user
3-21-10
I won the math competition, but all I got was this lousy AoPS T-shirt!
*Whisper. Whisper.*
Oh, yeah. I forgot I was wearing a Pac-Man T-shirt. Those new AoPS T-shirts are actually pretty cool!

 

by not_a_new_user
8-06-10
I can't allow you to help Kathy move things in the office, because you're not an employee. You could if you were one of the attorneys here.
Boo hoo hoo! But Judge, how do I get the power of attorney?
Here, I will give you the power of attorney using magic!
There you go!
Yay! Now I'm going to roll up my sleeves and get down to the business of helping Kathy move things in the office!

 

Toilet Humor
Uh-oh! I made a poopy in my pants!
by not_a_new_user, 8-26-10

 

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by not_a_new_user, 10-03-11

 

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by not_a_new_user, 10-03-11

 

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by not_a_new_user, 10-03-11

 

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