All comics by offduty

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by offduty
9-04-07
I sure wish I would get a call about some off-duty traffic jobs.
Ring-ring!!!
I'm sure glad we got this off-duty traffic job!
Yeah!
Do you really think we caused that HEAD-ON while directing traffic?
Yeah!

 

by offduty
7-29-08
oFF-dUTY
I'm writing you for smoking in public.
Aaah, blow it out your blowhole!
You could tell that to the judge.
You're a pain in my butt!
Here's your ticket.
Hey gotta match? How about my ash and your face!

 

by offduty
4-04-09
I wish we would get a call about off-duty work. It's our turn.
I only checked the clipboard 12 times yesterday cause I was on the special detail.
I'm glad we finally got the call to work off-duty.
Yeah, and we get to work together!
Do you really think we caused that head-on while directing traffic?
Yeahhh!

 

by offduty
4-28-09
To prevent swine flu: Wash hands frequently, sneeze or cough into a tissue...
Don't touch your eyes, nose or mouth with your hands....
And don't hire any illegal aliens to mow your lawn!

 

oFF-dUTY
Is Nancy lying about not knowing of the enhanced interrogation techniques used at Gitmo?
I don't know but maybe they should bring back waterboarding one more time!
by offduty, 5-18-09

 

by offduty
5-27-09
Do you believe North Korea just launched another nuclear test missile?
Don't worry! The U.N. has sanctions in place.
I think its time for more sanctions!
Yeahhh!!

 

by offduty
5-03-17
New Jersey's trees are being threatened by gypsy moths, Asian longhorn beetles, and emerald ash borers.
What about developers?
I never heard of that insect.
Hmmm.

 

by offduty
5-04-17
Hey there goes Roger's mother's boyfriend in his new Lamborghini.
He's a multi-millionaire and even owns his own jet.
Think they'll ever get married?
Roger said probably not because he would lose his free school lunch voucher and affordable housing apartment!
?

 

I read that a lot of the undocumented workers at the Kentucky Derby are concerned about I.C.E. at the track.
I thought it was going to be warm and sunny!
by offduty, 5-05-17

 

by offduty
5-09-17
Yes, you too can learn to make millions with real estate by simply attending one of my seminars for $299 dollars!
$$$
The following week at the seminar there were over 1000 attendees....
Blah blah blah blah blah....
?
So did you learn how to make money in real estate?
Yeah, the best way to make money in real estate is to give seminars on how to make money in real estate!

 

by offduty
5-10-17
Two brothers discuss weight loss tactics...
I'm thinking of trying a seafood diet to lose some weight.
I've done that!
Did it work?
Not really. Whenever I would "see" food, I would eat it!

 

by offduty
8-15-18
I'm trying to lose 20 pounds by the end of summer.
So, how's it going??
I have about 30 to go!

 

So I heard two antennas got married last night.
Yeah, the ceremony was okay, but the reception was great!
by offduty, 10-01-18

 

Is it true the barber shop just got robbed?
Yeah, the bad guy's on the loose. We're combing the area right now!
by offduty, 10-04-18

 

by offduty
3-13-20
Downtown Red Light District
Hey handsome,you looking for a good time?
How much?
All depends what you're looking for.
Are you clean?
Just the usual STD's and some cold sores.
Okay, as long as you don't have the Coronavirus!

 

by offduty
1-15-22
National Bagel Day
You gettin' coffee and donuts when we're done here?
Nah, I think I'm gettin' a bagel with lox today.
A bagel with what?
LOX!
Who would wanna steal a bagel?
Huh?

 

by offduty
1-28-22
Side effects may include:nasal congestion, parasitic infection, hemorrhoids, liver inflammation...
30 seconds later......
...elevated white blood cells, skin rash, sudden death, stroke, congestive heart failure, and diarrhea
Was that about a new strain of Covid?
No, it was a commercial for a new sugar substitute

 

by offduty
2-10-22
My brother just a job at the bra factory.
What's he gonna do there?
Customer support.
That sounds very uplifting. Keep me abreast of things!

 

by offduty
2-10-22
Announcer: I can't believe they fell while attempting a triple lindy. Looks like no gold medal in figure skating this year.
You gonna watch the Olympics tonight? These poor athletes are under so much stress competing for a gold medal.
Nah, right after work I have to go to my other job. I'm 2 months behind on the rent, and barely have money to feed my 3 kids or buy them clothes. We might get evicted next week.
I hope the athletes have access to counseling with all their mental anguish.
........

 

To boycott Russia I'm giving up vodka. How about you?
Uh,Uh,Uh, I'll give up Borscht.
by offduty, 2-27-22

 

by offduty
2-27-22
You hear someone broke into that psychic place yesterday?
Yeah... Couldn't they predict it was going to happen?
Heard they took the crystal ball.
Wow, that's gonna cost a fortune...

 

by offduty
12-01-22
Office of Tree Preservation
These lanternflies are really becoming a threat to our nation's tree population.
It's good that we're telling people to kill them before they kill the trees.
So what are you and the family doing this weekend?
Oh we're gonna go to pick out and chop down this year's Christmas tree...

 

by offduty
12-12-23
Had a date last night. Was pretty good.
Glad it went well.
Yeah tonight I'm gonna have a fig.
Huh?

 

by offduty
4-30-24
Hey, do you know what the difference is between beer nuts and deer nuts?
No clue...
Beer nuts are $1.50 and deer nuts are under a buck!
?

 

by offduty
5-11-24
If the Shoe Fits....
Did you hear the president is coming out with his own line of footwear?
What kind?Sneakers? Boots?
Flip-flops!
?

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