All comics by Finley

Profile

 

by Finley
7-10-01
Where does this lead?
Into the core of my very soul.
It seems to have gone away.
I said...
I heard you.

 

by Finley
7-10-01
These underpants are way too big.

 

by Finley
7-10-01
Oohh, yeah. Oooh, baby.
I finished mopping the storage closet, Mr. Binkleman.
Keep talking. Oh, yeah. Ooo, Baby.
I think I should go home now.
Tell me more about this mop of yours.

 

by Finley
7-10-01
She hadn't called for three days
So he carried the phone out to the desert and waited for it to ring. Only then would he be at peace.
Except if you stay out in the desert for a long time, you die.

 

by Finley
7-10-01
Hey. Go get a ladder.
There's a hardware store down the street. Just mention my name. They...
Yeah.

 

by Finley
7-10-01
Whatcha doin, Tiny Soldier?
Gotta win the Tiny Civil War, my gigantic wearin'-your-hat-the-wrong-way buddy.
Neat.

 

by Finley
7-11-01
Greg...
C'mon over here, chickie chickie. Here, chick chick chickie.
Greg, please stop for a moment and listen to me.
Chickie chickie. Here, chick. Here, chickie chickie.
Greg, your wife and I have been having an affair for the past eight months.
Ya know, I'm starting to think you're not going to come over here.

 

by Finley
7-19-01
I'll wait here.
We have to go, now.
The ocean is my home.
You must be Doug. I'm so sorry.
No, my name is Sam.
Sweet Jesus, did it get windy all of a sudden!

 

by Finley
7-19-01
I'm gonna eat you up.
GASP!
I'm gonna eat you up.
Oh my stars!
I'm gonna eat you up.
Hurray!

 

by Finley
7-19-01
I am so excited. Full I am to the top of my head with mischief, merriment, and loads of good cheer! I may pop!
Super good, little brother. So what's going on?
Oh, I cannot look you in the eye, for I am too gay and full of happiness.
Take your time. I really want to know what's making you so excited. Anyway, my meeting with the babysitter isn't until 8.
I'm getting married to everyone in town!
You deserve it more than anyone, dear brother. May all your children never question themselves, take part in a contact sport, and never apply bandages before they shower.

 

by Finley
7-20-01
I will speak first.
Oh yeah?
I will speak third.
Is that so?
I demand you speak last.
Never!

 

by Finley
7-20-01
Something bothering you?
Well...
I should stop trying to rub it off my body.
You really should.

 

by Finley
7-20-01
Golly! Are you a real cowboy?
Huh?
Billy, it's me, Dad.
You're setting off my mood jacket, sir. Where's my father?
Billy, please don't go insane until we find the car.

 

by Finley
7-20-01
You must be the new shampoo lady.
SHAMPOO!!
You may begin when you're ready.
I must stretch first, and also prepare my mind. SHAMPOO!! SHAMPOO!!
Whenever you're ready. I have all day.
Are you prepared for a psychic trip on cosmic suds of herbal fragrance? Then clench your teeth and prepare to meet the unholy god of cleanliness that is SHAMPOO!!

 

by Finley
7-20-01
Stop
Who's there?
I am this man's soul.
I see...
Try not to die. It seems to be bad.
Okay.

 

by Finley
7-20-01
Down with toast! *Tee hee* The man of average height is not well-represented! *Snicker*
Hey, Protesting Monk Guy! Are you drunk?
Of course [hic] not, you pacyderm of preposterous... shut up.
What are we gonna do with you, you crazy protesting monk?
You can shove me right up your--
What are we gonna do with you?

 

by Finley
7-20-01
Sally, be my girl.
No.
I spell your name with my tears.
That's stupid. I am embarrassed for both of us now. Please leave.
Sally, be my girl.
Oh wait, I'm not Sally.

 

by Finley
7-27-01
Dum de dum...
Dum dee doo dee doo...
?
Scooby dooby do dee doo...

 

by Finley
7-27-01
...and that's why I have to wear sneakers when I'm near a donut.
I will tell everyone!
That won't be necessary.
Oh. Okay.
Just sit back and enjoy the ride, Marlon. You'll appreciate those inbetween moments.
I'm feeling you.

 

by Finley
7-27-01
...and that's why I have to wear sneakers when I'm near a donut.
I will tell everyone!
That won't be necessary.
Oh. Okay.
Just sit back and enjoy the ride, Marlon. You'll appreciate those inbetween moments.
I'm feeling you.

 

by Finley
7-27-01
Where's your king?
The forces of darkness will flood your mind forver.
Then I will ask you again, Mister. Where is your king?
A century of torment awaits you in Hell. You will taste your own burnt flesh.
I see you're not understanding me. That's fine, cause I got all day to convince you. Now why don't we end this now? The way to do that is as follows: I wil lask you where the king is, okay?
All my life I've wanted to see you hung by the throat above a boiling pit of hellfire, screaming for someone to save your pathetic life.

 

by Finley
7-27-01
*SIGH*
And shorthly after that, Mark decided to change the oil himself, right in the middle of the bus station.
That's the most amazing anecdote I've ever heard in my entire life.
Thank you.

 

by Finley
7-28-01
I am Pithy Man.
She's gone.
Need any concise comments?
One minute she was here and then this shark... it was horrible. I'm still in shock. I keep thinking she'll be there when I turn around.
Right. I'll just tell you a brief, yet compelling story in which I use no needless words or phrases.
Oh, I forgot I was wearing the Jacket Of Sadness. I'm fine.

 

by Finley
7-28-01
It is my nature to hate you.
It is my nature to love all creatures.
Then we both know what must be done.
One of us must transform.
Now what?
Follow me to the Walnut Factory.

 

by Finley
7-28-01
I cannot escape myself. My mind skips like a needle on a record player and I am forever in an endless loop of anguish.
The smell of sulphur burns my nostrils.
I must escape. I must escape. I must escape. I must...
*GASP* No. I cannot exist in this world if you leave. Only the memory of your early morning repressed sexual urges will stay with me. These are mere bread crumbs that can't feed my soul stomach.
Then we must be as one.
I will kill you as you sleep.

 

by Finley
7-29-01
I'll have to retarnish the flask hinges on the main pump unit. That's going to take most of the week. Once that's finished I'll have to drill through the calcium deposits.
Is that all?
Hardly. I'll have to vacuum out most of the debris that's been collecting. Then I'll scour and disinfect the whole works.
Then we can have sex?
Yeah, just try to use better hygeine from now on.
Hurray!!

 

by Finley
7-30-01
Where did we leave our skin?
Those kind of words hurt everybody, Greg.
I have found my skin.
That is not your true form. As a race of people we have evolved beyond lookism. We have chosen to shed our Revlon skin and bask in the glory of our bones. Join this evolution.
Get bent, Bone Boy.
I'm a lady.

 

by Finley
8-18-01
*Huff huff* What did you want?
Wait for it.
You called me.
Please wait for it.
You sounded worried, so I ran really fast.
It is gone now. Stop waiting.

 

by Finley
8-21-01
Knock knock.
Hang on.
Knock knock.
I'm coming.
Knock knock.
Who's there?

 

by Finley
8-30-01
What's all the ruckus?
I was screaming and breaking things.
Would some Tang make you feel better?
With a pinch of Robotussin??
Are you trying to induce vomiting?
Are lock washers poisonous?

 

by Finley
8-30-01
Remember me?
I served with you during the Civil War.
Then you must have became a skeleton after you were killed. What did you look like?
I was a skeleton the whole time. I was transfered from the skeleton outfit? We were all skeletons? Hello? Did you even pay attention to what was going on?
Not really, no.

 

by Finley
10-16-01
Doug, your mother and I are worried about you.
I gotta say I'm worried about you and Mom.
Well then it's a good thing we're communicating, huh?
I always feel I can talk to you, Dad.
Well, Mr. Anderson says you're failing woodshop, and you've been spending a lot of time inside the dumpster.
Mrs. Laurance my science teacher says that Mom falling into a vat of nuclear waste while she was pregnant with me may be an indirect cause of that.

 

by Finley
12-11-01
You need some peanut.
?
More than one peanut. That's peanut.
I don't think you're correct.
Don't sass me.
Sorry, Dad.

 

by Finley
12-11-01
Oh we're cowboys waiting for our paychecks
Hum dee dum dee dum dee doo
Dum dee dum dee dee.

 

by Finley
12-11-01
I am mimicking a"pool playing" action. Now I shall ask you if you want to go play p--
No time for your jive, Redundant Devil.
How dare your defy me, Craig.
Yo, dude. Chill on the vanilla excuses.
I'll send you a letter.
I am in Heaven now.

 

by Finley
12-11-01
Why, Hello there!
Oh sweet lord!!
My name is Mr. McGoat
You have the funniest sounding voice! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!
I enjoy talking to people.
Ah hee hee he *pant pant* hee hee hee haa ha HA HA HA HA... HAAA!!! .... Heeee oh boy.

 

by Finley
3-27-02
So... yeaaaaaaaaah.
Yeeeeeeeah...
The world is so very cruel.
I SIT DOWN NOW!!!

 

by Finley
4-09-02
I just rammed corncob holders into my armpits! Hooray!
You'll be dead soon.
How could I be so stupid?
I'm your funny mom.
But you still took me to Hell.
Hissssssssssss...

 

by Finley
9-02-02
I'm hypnotizing your unborn child!!!!
I PRETEND TO EAT A COOKIE!!!
Errrrrrggghhh!!!!
AGAIN A COOKIE EATER AM I!!!!!!
Your child will be born out of your mouth.

 

by Finley
9-02-02
YOU WILL TASTE ME NOW?
Twee?
Flag pole!!
SHOCKING DISCOVERY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
PROCEED WITH YOUR INSURANCE WEALTH, THOMAS OF THE LAWN!!!
You bastard!

 

by Finley
9-02-02
I am blind.
Suck my nut stash, you clown sucking bastard.
I can't find my way home without help.
Ya'll can just die like the clown wackin' freaks you are.
I sense someone is laughing at me.
HEY MISTER??? YOU LOOK SAD!!!!!!

 

by Finley
9-02-02
WHAT IN THE FUCK WAS THAT??

 

by Finley
2-07-03
What would you do if you only had four days to live?
I would kill myself.
I'd pig out on ice cream.
Cause, fuck it.

 

by Finley
2-21-04
Kind of chilly.
Five Alarm. Three Bean. Um...
No, I said it was KIND of chilly. I didn't say "Kinds of chili."
Uh huh.

 

by Finley
2-21-04
Name?
Gary Smith.
Jerry Schmidt?
That's correct.
Is that first name spelled with a "B" or a "C?"
That's okay.

 

by Finley
8-09-04
And what am I wearing?
The...
How many of there was there?
Well...
Wait, that didn't make sense.
Hang on, I'm gonna sneeze.

 

by Finley
8-09-04
C'mon, let me do it...
Honey...
I promise to go slow.
I don't know...
So...
I swear if that thing breaks off inside me...

 

by Finley
8-11-04
I am ze king done gonna check his electronic mail!!!
Whoa!!! Lefta good job in the CITY!!! Workin' for the man every night and day!!! But I never lost a minute a sleepin'
I'm so horny.
CHOO CHOO TRAIN IS ON THE WAY OUT!!!!!! TOOOOOOOOOOOOOOT TOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOT!!
I'm on fire now.

 

by Finley
8-11-04
Tell you what...
This is awkward.
I'm going to tell my wife I was at the bar all evening.
I'll blow dry your crab shack right now, hot stuff.
God, I love it when you pre-soak my throat spanker.
That doesn't even make sense, you stupid idiot.

 

by Finley
8-11-04
"Whoa, don't dream it's over..."
"Hey now... when the world comes in..."
THIS IS GOD!!!
"They come, to bu -- WHAT THE JIFFY HOO???
I'm taking a walk.
I'm sad now.
I want to climb you.

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