All comics by Kat

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by Kat
2-20-01
And then I need you to give me a pedicure. My corns are acting up again...
Just because you own the company doesn't mean I have to do your personal crap for you...
Oh? Is that so...
Yes! I work very hard and don't so much as get a thank you. Now you want me to do your personal crap, too! It's not fair!
I see. You're fired.
What color nail polish would you like, Sir?

 

by Kat
2-20-01
Hey, I just noticed something...
What?
Our heads are WAY too big for our bodies! I mean, my hands are smaller than my eyes are!
Hmmm, you're right!
I could fit my entire body in my empty skull!
Okay, now you're just getting gross!

 

by Kat
2-20-01
Hey, Bill! I thought I told you to get your fat ass outta D.C.! I'm the grand poobah now!
Look, Misnomer Boy, I left some of my crap in the Oval office, alright?
"...some of your crap..."? Sounds pretty nebulas to me...
Sounds pretty "mass of interstellar gas" to you? What a moron! It's only a matter of time before this country becomes a vast wasteland of human misery and suffering...
Gee...what would Daddy do?
Told ya so, Sphincter Boy!

 

by Kat
2-20-01
Oh, my God! Son! Put the hammer and nails down before you hurt yourself!!!
You're right, Mom! I just can't help myself! I must inflict pain upon myself! *hammer, hammer, hammer*
Next time listen to your Mother!

 

by Kat
2-21-01
Ooooooo!
Well, what ... WHAT, already?!
I just love your evening gown! Fuchsia's my favorite color!
This isn't an evening gown, Bimbette, this is what's left of my musculature! Your silicon implants aren't in your breasts, are they?
Tee-hee! Um ... huh?

 

by Kat
2-21-01
Hello! L. Ron Hubbard here! I just thought I'd pop back and address the controversy surrounding The Church of Scientology!
As you know, my famous book, DIURETICS, explains it all! It's good to pee! Everybody pees! Not everybody poops because some people are constipated, but, dammit, everybody pees!
Pssst! Mr. Hubbard, it's DIANETICS, not DIURETICS...

 

by Kat
2-21-01
So, anyways, this chick just looks at me and then she goes, she goes, she goes like this, she goes, "You're a pig!"
Uh-huh...
I mean, alls I did was ask her to show me her tits. What's wrong with that? I mean they were kind of hanging out and all...
Well, um, I think that just because a little cleavage is showing doesn't mean...
Maybe next time I'll just GRAB her tits ... Whaddaya think?
Um, yeah, sure ... that'll work.

 

by Kat
2-21-01
Who in tarnation are you? You're whiter'n Bill Clinton's ass! You ain't one of them pansy-ass New Englanders from across the big pond, are ya?
Um, no, Mr. President, they sent me over from the Pentagon to help you out...
Ya mean to tell me you're gonna be mah sek-a-tary?!
Well, pro tempore, I'm afraid, Sir...
SECURITY! SECURITY! Thar's some damn foreigner in here a-talkin' Commy code or sumthin'!!!
I'm going to bomb Florida...

 

by Kat
2-21-01
Hogarth, I've been meaning to ask you something rather ... um, personal.
Yeah? Well, go ahead and shoot...
Do you think your mom could ever go for a guy like me? I mean I am significantly taller, and I'm not anatomically correct...
Hmmm ... that does pose a problem ...
Besides, she's seeing that Spigot jack-off from Jerk City...

 

by Kat
2-22-01
Aaaahhh!!! Oh, my God! You're Death! B-b-but, I'm not ready to go yet! I'm too young to die!
My, aren't you quick ... Well, too bad, Pasty Boy, you're coming with me!
No, wait ... um ... how about a game of gin? If I lose, I'll go with you, but if I win, I get to live!
Well ... uh ... okay, I guess.
Gin! I win! Yea, rah, I get to live!
Hmmm ... how's about two outta three?

 

by Kat
2-22-01
We are Siameeeeese if you pleeeease...
We are Siameeeese if you don't please.
Now we looking over our new domicile.
If we like we stay for maybe quite a while.
Oops! I wet 'em!
Gross!

 

by Kat
2-22-01
FoXxYChIcK: LOL! Well, I'm 23, 5'5", 105 lbs., & I have long blonde hair & big blue eyes. What about you?
TCruise197: You sound great! LOL! I'm 6', 185 lbs. of pure muscle, dark brown wavy hair, and I have big brown eyes...
FoXxYChIcK: Hey, you sound dreamy! LOL! Let's meet tomorrow at The Heart Attack -- say, 8:00?
Damn!
FoXxYChIcK: Hey, you still there? Hello? Your name's still in the room. Wait, I'll turn on my camera, too. Aaaaaah!
Aaaaaah!

 

by Kat
2-22-01
Should I answer it? If it's him, I won't know what to say, I'll get all stuttery-like and dumb-sounding. Besides, he'll just think all I do is sit around waiting for him to call!
Riiiiing! Riiiiing! Riiiiing!
But, if I don't answer, he'll think I'm not home and that I'm not interested in him and that I'm out with some other guy...
Riiiiing! Riiiiing! Riiiiing!
Damn. Well, if he calls back, I might just answer it. Maybe.
It was really just a telemarketer, but I'm not tellin' this retard that...

 

by Kat
2-22-01
"There are two things on this island: snakes and rats!"
So, Susan, which are you? Ha, ha, ha!
"... and if you were lying in the gutter, dying of thirst, I wouldn't give you a drink of water."
If Kelly were in the gutter, there would already be water there, though, because there's usually a little run off. Besides, where there are gutters, there are buildings with plumbing and...
"... and when I get off this stinkin' island away from you rats and snakes, I'm posing for Playboy!"
Now that's just downright cruel...

 

by Kat
2-22-01
One ... two ... three ... four ... five ...
... six ... seven ... eight ... nine ... TEN!
Dammit, you're supposed to hide!
Oops!

 

by Kat
2-22-01
Default!
The fault of whom?
Shut up...

 

by Kat
2-22-01
Gooooolly...what's it been now?
A month and a half awready?
Damn! I shore am tarred o' carryin' this saddle around...

 

by Kat
2-22-01
What is it now, Valdor?
The Earthling is at it again! Really, Sir, I can't stand much more of this!
Dammit! Bring the vile miscreant here now!
With pleasure!
Now listen here, Earth creature...
I keep-a tellin' ya, I'm the freakin' Pre-zee-dent of the United States of North America! Didn't y'all see Independence Day? Geez!

 

by Kat
2-22-01
Clarence, I'm sending you down to save George Bailey so you can earn your wings...
Oh, goody, goody, goody, goody, goody!
Yes, well...GET GOING!
Right, Chief!
One day later...
Well, how did it go? After you saved him, did he learn that it's a wonderful life after all?
Oh! "Save"! I thought you said SHAVE!

 

by Kat
2-22-01
A horse! A horse! My kingdom for a horse!
Duuuuh....Hi there! Duuuuuh, you wanted a horsie?
Damn! What the hell's that? Is he eating a bagel with cream cheese?

 

by Kat
2-22-01
"Oops!...I did it again...I played with your heart, got lost in the game...Oh, Baby, Baby..."
You suck! Get off the stage!
"Oops!...You think I'm in love...That I'm sent from above...
SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!
"I'm not that innocent..."
Then show us your tits!!!

 

by Kat
2-22-01
I'm sorry. It's just that, no matter where you put this character, it's funny to me...

 

by Kat
2-23-01
I can't believe how much my last gas bill was! $287.00!
Yeah, I know what you mean...
And the month before that it was $183.00!
Yeah, deregulation turned out to be a bad idea after all. The warm weather's coming, though, so things should ease up. Well, back to work...
*BELCH* Hmmm....I'll have to ask my gastroenterologist if turning up the heat will help...

 

by Kat
2-23-01
For the last time, I'm a duck! Duck, duck, DUCK, dammit, DUCK!!!
No, you're a chicken! Chicken, chicken, CHICKEN INFINITY!!!
Quack you...

 

by Kat
2-23-01
Oh, my God! My valve is closing!
Now just simmer down there, boy...The reason I pulled ya over is because thar's a horrible odor coming from your vee-hicle...
Oh, that's just me, you insipid imbecile.
So I smell. And don't get smart with me, Fat Boy! Hey, what the hell you wearin' a clown outfit fer anyhow?
I seem to have misplaced my pirate outfit, you brainstemmed fascist. Oh! My valve!
Heh, heh, heh! Hey, Jeb! Looks like we'll get that new courthouse yet! Yee-haw!

 

by Kat
2-26-01
The mid-season replacement for "Friends"...
Clap, clap, clap, clap, clap...
...is called "Wittle Bitty Pup on a Ball"...
Clap, clap, clap, clap...
Ha, ha, ha, ha! This is great!
...and it has better ratings (and a more intelligent audience) than "Friends" ever did...
Clap, clap, clap, clap, clap...

 

by Kat
2-28-01
A horse is a horse, of course, of course. And no one can talk to a horse, of course...
That is, of course, unless the horse is the famous wigudonkey1-1!
Jooooooooon2-2!!!
Ready for some cartoon hay?

 

by Kat
2-28-01
There's no cartoon hay in the props...
Well, shoot. I'll go look and see what's there...Any preferences?
No, not really....surprise me...
Okay...
I'd rather have phone1-2...

 

by Kat
3-01-01
Russell, I can't believe you're actually breaking up with me...
Sorry, Meg, time to move on...A stud like me gets restless after a while...
But I left my husband for you! My career suffered irreparable damage while yours didn't!
That's because men are superior and everyone knows it. Men can cheat on their wives, date women, hell, GIRLS young enough to be their granddaughters...And it's acceptable!
But it's all so unfair! You said you loved me!
That was just to get you in the sack! God, you're such a Sheila...

 

by Kat
3-01-01
Three reasons to use the default: 1) You're in a freakin' big hurry!
Hi, I'm Kat, and I wanted to post a message on the messageboard, but...
She forgot her password!
2) You never used a computer before...
Yes, I'm an idiot sometimes. I've requested that the password be sent to my email, but...well, it's taking a long time. I mean, it's been almost 30 minutes!!!
She's being ignored big time!!!
3) You're a complete and total moron...
Yes, so, I'm just asking if some of you would kindly comment on my comics in the messageboard, please...Give me some feedback! Please be honest, but gently so...
Screw that! Fry her ass!

 

by Kat
3-01-01
Grrrrrr!!!
Aaaaaaaahhhhh!!!
It's from Mary. She writes that Elm City has become a Village of the Damned! Squirrels are attacking and killing people for no apparent reason. She must be pulling my leg.
Grrrrrr!!!

 

by Kat
3-02-01
So, did your password problem ever get resolved?
No, still no word from lowpass. My account says my password is exactly what I thought it was, and I can make comics, but I still can't post messages...
It's the big freeze, baby. The old-timers are big-time hacks and have found a way to block you from participating in the discussions!
*sniff, sniff* I feel so unloved!
From now on, we won't let Kat join in any reindeer games! Right, gang?

 

by Kat
3-02-01
*tap, tap, tap* Testing, testing...
Hi, everyone! Kat here...I was wondering if you could please give me some feedback on my comics so far! Please write to me at maggie_m.1@email.com
Thank you in advance for your comments!

 

by Kat
3-05-01
Now, I'll be back on Tuesday. You behave yourself, you hear me?
*beep*
webvan.com
four cases Bud, 10 bags of pork rinds, 3 boxes Trojans gargantuan size...
Later...
Burn, baby, burn!
Disco inferno!

 

by Kat
3-05-01
*beep, beep, beep, beep*
*beep, beep, beep, HIC, beep*
*BEEP, BEEP, yes, there!, BEEP, BEEP, BEEP!!!!*
*BEEP, BEEP, BEEP, AAAAAHHHH, BEEP, BEEP!!!!!!!*
The next afternoon...
Well, it looks like you behaved yourself. The place is still in one piece!
*beep* HIC *beep*

 

by Kat
3-14-01
"Play to the ugly-as-hell guy who looks exactly like James Woods in the fourth row," my old acting coach used to say...
Yes, he always said that that ugly-as-hell-separated-from-his-identical-twin-James-Woods guy in the fourth row would appreciate my dedication to and purification of the characters I play...
So, ugly-as-hell James Woods look-a-like, I play to you. Take my advice, fellow SAG members, play to the ugly-as-homemade-sin guy in the fourth row who is THE SPITTING IMAGE of James Woods. Thanks!

 

by Kat
3-22-01
Hey, aren't you that Assface guy who's been posting those extremely offensive and, I might add, very UNFUNNY comics at Lowpass?
Blaaaaaaa, racist epithet!
Hmmm. I'll bet you've never had a coherent, lucid thought in your whole life, have you? You must be related to Amazed Porno Bunny...
Blaaaaaaa, racist epithet, misogynistic remark, blaaaaa!!!!
Well, when you have an ass for a face, I suppose it's not too surprising...
Wut u say? Me IQ only 3 1/2...

 

by Kat
3-27-01
Bloody hell, am I wasted...Oh, shit! What are YOU doing here?!
Well, Russell, I got you your Oscar. Time to fulfill your end of the bargain. Down we go!
But I thought that wouldn't be for another 40 or 50 years!
Article 14, Section 2.4 clearly states upon receiving the Oscar...Still, if you wish to go back you may...as the person you'd least like to be...
Shit! I'm Meg Ryan! Wait a sec...I've got tits! I'll never leave the bloody house! Hell, YEAH!!!

 

by Kat
3-28-01
Now, today we're going to learn how to hail a taxi in New York. Raise your arm like so...Good!
Now scream at the top of your lungs, "Hey, you bastard hack, pick me up!!!"
Hey, you bastard hack, pick me up!!!
Good! Next we're going to learn how to bid at an auction. Raise your arm like this and say, "I'll give ya 5 cents for that piece of crap and that's all it's worth!"
This is so empowering!

 

by Kat
4-06-01
I can't believe you invited anyone from Dieselsweeties to my birthday party! They're boring, annoyingly pixelated, and they always bring the crappiest gifts!
Well, I'm sorry ... I guess I wasn't thinking.
Well, it's too late now. We'll just have to grin and bear it, I suppose.
If they give you something crappy, I'll get rid of it like last time, 'kay?
Happy Birthday, Wigudonkey! Since you lost your last birthday present in that freak accident with the spider monkey and the blender, we got you a replacement, only better!!
Yeah! And THIS ceramic iguana has a CLOCK in its stomach!! I'll just put in on the mantle where it'll be safe!

 

by Kat
5-02-01
Hey, what happened during your trip to Earth? I heard you got into a lot of trouble...
Yeah, well, the boss is pretty sore. But, humans are just so stupid, I just HAD to have a little fun with them. First, I had Madonna star in yet ANOTHER movie...
No way! That's so cruel to those poor stupid humans!
Yeah, but THEN I probed Jeb Bush and Katherine Harris and got George Bush elected President of the U.S.!
That's so evil!
Yeah, well, I'm paying for it now. As punishment, I have to spend the next millennium watching back-to-back episodes of "Moesha."

 

by Kat
5-02-01
Champ! Get down from there and stop this foolishness!
Hey, get outta the way! I'm taping this!
They are NEVER gonna pick you for the next Survivor!
How do you know? I'm really cute and I look hot in a bathing suit!
What's that bulge in your pants?
I stuffed your socks in there. Those beach babes are gonna love me! Ruff!

 

by Kat
5-02-01
Champ! Get down from there and stop this foolishness!
Hey, get outta the way! I'm taping this!
They are NEVER gonna pick you for the next Survivor!
How do you know? I'm really cute and I look hot in a bathing suit!
What's that bulge in your pants?
I stuffed your socks in there. Those beach babes are gonna love me! Ruff!

 

by Kat
5-02-01
Hey, I told you not to wear my clothes!
Hey, I told you not to wear my clothes!
Stop repeating everything I say or I'm gonna kick your ass!!
Stop repeating everything I say or I'm gonna kick your ass!!
MOM!!!
MOM!!!

 

by Kat
5-16-01
Son, I think it's time we had that little talk about the nuts and the bolts.
You mean sex.
Well, no robots don't actually have sex like humans do. We can, however, since we now have emotion chips, feel amorous toward other robots and form romantic relationships...
And have sex...
Well, no, son, I told you already, we can't have sex.
Then what's the point in forming a romantic relationship if you can't do the nasty? I don't think I want to live anymore...

 

by Kat
5-24-01
Will you please look at me when I'm talking to you?!
I....
....just....
CAN'T!!!!!!!

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