All comics by MikeBrown

 

by MikeBrown
12-06-05
Scouting Mission: Planet Gorglax
Is that thing picking up any life readings?
Scanning... oh yeah. Big nasty alien just behind those rocks.
Sweet! Got it covered. Transporter Room? Beam down Ensign Henson 50 yards north of our location.
Man, that thing is big...
Go get 'em Henson!
Um... let's back up a bit.

 

by MikeBrown
12-06-05
Scouting Mission: Planet Garglax
Ensign Henson, I need you to go check out those rocks just ahead of us.
Why? What's over there?
Probably nothing. But go check and make sure. I'll be watching your back...
Um... okay.
... from the ship.
It's a big friggin' alien isn't it?!?

 

by MikeBrown
12-06-05
Scouting Mission: Planet Garglax
Okay... keep it together Henson. Remember your training. Just move cautious and quiet. Whatever is out here is probably just as scared as you are.
Nice and easy... nothing to worry about...
Hiya!
GAH!!!

 

by MikeBrown
12-06-05
Scouting Mission: Planet Garglax
Hey, Henson. I just wanted to thank you for the ride.
Wha --? What are you talking about? Aren't you the alien I was supposed to find?
Me? Nah. I've been riding microscopically in your crotch for three weeks waiting for you to get in the transporter so I could return to normal size.
Three weeks? But three weeks ago I was on shore leave on at Starbase Pleasuron 7. You mean --?
Yep. Maybe you should stay away from those discount prostitutes "Mr. Big Spender". See ya. It's been fun.
DAMMIT! The docotor said that ointment should've cleared it all up!

 

by MikeBrown
12-06-05
Back on board the USS Avis
Mr. Stork, has Ensign Henson found that big alien yet?
No, Captain. These readings indicate he's having a conversation with an enlarged Knovian Crotch Crab.
Oh, man. I told him to stay away from those discount prostitues on Pleasuron 7. What else happening?
Well, it appears the creator of the strip got the name of the planet wrong in the first entry and then got the name of the strip itself wrong in the fourth entry.
Damn these newbie comic strip makers!
That's two strikes... one more and I'm out of here.

 

by MikeBrown
12-06-05
Scouting Mission: Planet Garglax
HOLY JUMPIN' CATS!! Captain!! I found the alien lifeform!!
Mrowrl?
Man, this thing must have like 20 tentacles.
26 ... and , oh wow... those aren't tentacles.
Oh, that's priceless. Don't turn your back to it Ensign Henson!

 

by MikeBrown
12-06-05
Back onboard USS Avis
Ensign Henson! You made it! How'd you fight off that 26 Phallused Beast of Planet Garglax?
I didn't really.
What do you mean?
Can we just say, "Thank goodness for the disount prostitues on Pleasuron 7" and be done with it?
The Knovian Crotch Crab finds its next host...
I can lay my eggs up in there for years!
Mrph?

 

by MikeBrown
12-06-05
Hiya Doc. The Captain said I needed to report to sick bay. Apparently I have "typos".
Oh, hey. No problem. It's going around. I was just about to treat another crewman for "typos". Be right with you.
OH!!! FOR THE LUVVA!!!! AAAIIIIGGHH!!!! MY GOD NOOOO!!!!!
Dammit! Mike! Can't you just be more careful when you type?!?!
Next!

 

by MikeBrown
12-06-05
Aboard the USS Avis
Well, any word from Command Central about our next mission?
Nearby solar flare activity has rendered some systems... a bit faulty. I'll try and establish communications.
Computer... boost the gain on communications and relay our next mission from Command Central.
C'mon... c'mon... I'm getting bored here.
"Mission from Command Central. Proceed to Planet Watachi 8 and resupply all female colony with fresh batteries."
Should I call Ensign Henson in for this?
Hell no! I'm doing this one solo!

 

by MikeBrown
12-06-05
USS Avis in orbit around Planet Watachi 8
All ready to go! Beam me down! Those ladies have been without fresh batteries for weeks!
All set Captain. Better hurry, Ensign Henson is running up here fast. Probably wants to go with you. Peace out.
Um... what's going on? Where are the chicks?
Crap. Those solar flares seem to have knocked the transporters a bit screwy.... The Captain is trapped in mid transport.
Oh, he is so going to hate this...
DON'T... (*gasp*)... USE ... (*pant*) the TRANSPORTERS!!!

 

by MikeBrown
12-06-05
On board USS Avis...
Okay. I've managed to hold the Captain's body in the pattern buffer for the moment.
However, the longer we stay near these solor flares, the more The Computer's memory files are going to be corrupted. We need to leave as soon as we can.
Wonder what it's like in there?
Trippy...

 

by MikeBrown
12-06-05
USS Avis in orbit around Planet Watachi 8
Okay, I have the Captain temporarily in stasis. You are going to have to deliver the fresh batteries down to the female colony.
You have GOT to be kidding me.
Nope. Obviously the transporters are out, so you'll have to take a shuttle craft.
I can't believe I actually get to do this. I haven't seen a girl in like three weeks.
Time is a factor here Ensign Henson. You've got two hours. No more. Then we *have* to leave. Got it?
GOT IT! DON'T WORRY. SHOULD ONLY TAKE ME 10 MINUTES!!!

 

by MikeBrown
12-06-05
Meanwhile, inside the transporter pattern buffer.
Umph...
How is it even possible that I can fart in here?

 

by MikeBrown
12-06-05
Supply Mission: Dropping off batteries to the female colony of Planet Watachi 8.
Hello? I'm here with the batteries... for your ... (heh) devices and such....
Ladies? C'mon out!
Greetings from the Church of Perpetual Abstinence. Thanks be unto you for your timely arrival.
Follow me, please.
... dammit ...

 

by MikeBrown
12-07-05
Supply Mission: Planet Watachi 8
Wait. So ... um ... Sister... what do you do with all these batteries?
We use them to power our Solar Flare Dampener. Otherwise the sun will reduce this whole planet to cinders in a matter of days.
So, that's your whole purpose here? To keep this planet green and alive?
Yep. Oh, and the "no sex" thing too.
Not ... even a little sex?
Nope. C'mon...

 

by MikeBrown
12-07-05
Supply Mission: Planet Watachi 8
Praise Him! The Solar Dampener is recharged. The solar flares should be subsiding now.
Right... and you... uh... wouldn't need those extra batteries over there for, oh ...personal "servicing devices" or something?
No.
You can leave now.
HOW? How do I get sent to a planet full of women and none of them have sex?!? Screw this... I'm out of here.

 

by MikeBrown
12-07-05
USS Avis in orbit around Planet Watachi 8
NUNS! Can you feakin' believe it, Stork?
Well, the good news is the solar flare activity has decreased and our systems are coming back online.
Man, I really pissed them off. If we come back we have to be careful and NOT mention sex. They were talking castration to cure sex-crazed blasphemy.
WHAT?!?
The Captain just now finished his transport down! We have to get him out of there!
LADIES! YEAH! FINALLY!
Who's ready to get their FREAK ON?!?
Where's the knife?

 

by MikeBrown
12-08-05
Bridge of the USS Avis
New orders. We've got a Cadet Team coming along to record and observe our next mission.
Oh, joy. You're just now telling us this?
Ah... I skipped the shipwide announcement again didn't I?
Yep. But I'm guessing the crew has figured it out by now.
Engine room of the USS Avis.
WHY IS THIS KID FOLLOWING ME?!?

 

by MikeBrown
12-09-05
Training Mission: USS Avis
You must be Cadet Westerly; a.k.a "The Smart One" ... um... what are you doing?
Recalibrating the engine output. Your calculations only put them at 98%.
I refigured it at 99.5%.
?
heh... I guess you Vulkans aren't as great and advanced as you think you are.
Can you nerve pinch, you little showoff?

 

by MikeBrown
12-09-05
Training Mission: USS Avis
Sir! Senior Cadet Wilizz reporting for observation duty, Sir!
Aw. You're kidding me? I was hoping for a female cadet.
I'm a Ru'Paulian, sir. Our race is mixed gender.
What'choo talkin' 'bout Wilizz?

 

by MikeBrown
12-09-05
Stork the Cadet they sent me sucks. He's a blue, multi-gender, Ru'Paulian. I can't tell if she has the hots for me or he wants to beat my ass...
Or vice-sersa!
Maybe it's both.

 

by MikeBrown
12-09-05
Training Mission: USS Avis
How's the Cadet that you were assigned working out, Stork?
He's a child prodigy. A super-level genius with intelligence far beyond his years.
Earlier.
?
Ha! You forgot to compensate for the Heisenberg uncertainty principle in your last Warp speed calculations.
Naturally, I'm this close to shooting him out an airlock.

 

by MikeBrown
12-09-05
USS Avis: Sick Bay
Hey, Doc. I guess I need to get treated for "typos" too. I actually just said "vice-sersa" while ago.
No problem, Captain. Happy to do it. One second...
Cadet Nooner, go prep the anti-"typos" serum, will you?
Right away, Doc!
So, YOU'RE the one with the female cadet!
Yeah. Go figure. Now let's get you on that exam table.

 

by MikeBrown
12-09-05
Ensign Henson, how's your Cadet doing?
Captain, he never says anything. Not a word! He just follows me around presumably taking notes...
I've got an idea! Stork! Initiate "Project: Roster Change"!
I think he's drawing my butt!

 

by MikeBrown
12-13-05
USS Avis: Training mission
Um... Sir? I'm Cadet Westerly. I'm supposed to report to you now. The Captain seems to have changed the Cadet duty roster.
Oh. Okay. I'm Enisgn Henson.
So... what exactly do you do here?
Me? Oh, I work here and there. But mainly I'm the Security Officer of the Away Team.
(sob) ... I'm going to die...

 

by MikeBrown
12-13-05
USS Avis: Training Mission
I'm Senior Cadet Wilizz. Inexplicably I've been reassigned to you, Doctor.
Ah! The Ru'Paulian! Great! C'mon in.
I'm not sure why I'm here, Doctor. As Senior Cadet, I should be with The Captain.
Sorry. Roster change. Captain's orders. Besides now I get to examine how that whole Ru'Paulian "mixed gender" thing works.
Um... what?
Nurse! Prep the O.R. ... we're cutting on an alien this afternoon! Woot!

 

by MikeBrown
12-13-05
USS Avis: Training Mission
Greetings Cadet. I'm Mr. Stork, Science Officer. You've been reassigned to me for the duration of the Training Mission.
Just hang back and take notes, while I go about my business, okay?
He better not be drawing my butt.

 

by MikeBrown
12-13-05
USS Avis: Training mission
(pshht)... Captain? This is Stork, up on the bridge.
What is it?
(pshht) ... I'm sorry to distrub you in your quarters, but there's a Peregrin class Clinger ship decloaking off our starboard bow.
[sigh] ... (figures) ... All right. On my way.
We'll finish your orientation later, Cadet Nooner.
Understood, sir.

 

by MikeBrown
12-13-05
USS Avis: Training mission
What lousy timing! What do the Clingers want?
Apparently, Senior Cadet Wilizz is the Clinger Leader's "wife/husbandoid" and s/he joined Star Command to get away from him.
We can't give him... her... whatever Wilizz is ... over to the Clingers! That's nuts! He's... um... she's ... um... Wilizz is a Star Command officer.
If s/he doesn't go back to the Clingers, s/he may cause war between the Clinger Empire and the Ru'Paulians.
Wait a minute. How do you pronounce those slashes?
It's a alien/Vulkan thing.

 

by MikeBrown
12-13-05
Commander of the Clinger vessel wishes to speak with you, Captain.
Those filthy Clinger bastards aren't getting what passes for hands on Cadet Wilizz. Turn their pimpled butts back to their putrid homeworld, is what I say!
... ho, boy ...
Crap ... The screen's on behind me, isn't it?
Heyyyy! The Clingers! Guys! Um... how're things going?
PIMPLED BUTTS?!?

 

by MikeBrown
12-14-05
So, Clinger Commander -- ... wait, who am I addressing?
You speak to Clinger Commander F'arr. My ship can out run and out gun the Avis. I demand my wife/husbandoid returned!
Or ... what exactly?
Two words...
You leave?
YOU DIE!

 

by MikeBrown
12-14-05
Doc! I need to speak to Cadet Wilizz and... HOLY CRAP! Is that blood??
[sigh] ... no, apparently Ru'Paulians have a weak stomach and puke "red".

Cadet Wilizz has been watching the "medical procedure" history files. One sec.
Let me get him-her.
[RAAAAAAAUUGHHH!!]
Ugh!
S/he made it as far as that early, 21st Centriry "Bird Flu" pandemic and s/he can't keep anything down. ...

C-can you just take him-her out of here?

 

by MikeBrown
12-15-05
Cadet Wilizz... there's someone on the viewscreen that needs to talk with you.
?
Oh... it's you. What do you want, jerk?
C'mon home, baby. I'm sorry. Let's just put all this behind us and come home with me.
(sigh) ... No, you cheated on me with that Flaxion waitress at the Starport. You'll just do it again.
How? I can't do it again! I killed her afterwards!

 

by MikeBrown
12-15-05
I'm making a command decision. We're going to beam down to Planet Therapus 4 and meet your wife-husbandoid and work this all out.
Captain! I formally protest!
Fine. I'll just send you back to sick bay and you can continue watching the medical history logs while Doc examines just how your male-female genitals work.
!!!
Get me the heck out of here.
Come on home, sugar!

 

by MikeBrown
12-15-05
Well, the rest of the Cadets are headed back to the Academy.
Good.
I ... I just wish I could've gotten to know them all better.
All, of them Captain?
Okay, fine. Just Cadet Nooner. I only made it to second base with her.
You trained her in "narrow escapes" then. Good job.

 

by MikeBrown
12-15-05
New Comic Strip Auditions.
Please take a number.
Well, how did it go?
Now Serving: 06
Ha! Told'ja. You owe me 5 bucks.
Okay. Okay. You're right. He's not looking for a superhero theme.

 

by MikeBrown
12-15-05
New Comic Strip Auditions. Please Take a Number.
So? How'd it go?
Now Serving: 34
Ass...
Okay. Okay. You're right. "Beetle" Baily doesn't count as an animal.

 

by MikeBrown
12-15-05
New Comic Strip Auditions. Please take a number.
Well? How'd it go?
Now Serving: 58
Forget it. No "underwater" strip, fellas. He's only paying scale.

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