All comics by XPat

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by XPat
4-21-05
Another annoying "LeGarde" thing.
Toad, you need another beer?
Burrpp. No.
You've had enough?!
Nope.
So... you need another beer?
I don't 'need' another beer, but I sure as hell take one if you're running.

 

by XPat
4-21-05
Another annoying "LeGarde" thing
Toad! Need another beer?
Buurrrp. Nope.
You've had enough?!
Nope.
So...you need another beer?
I don't 'need' another beer, but I'll sure as hell take one if you're running.

 

by XPat
4-26-05
It only hurt if you listened.
Welcome to the First Annual Organ Slam. Our first scheduled artist already slammed his organ earlier today, apparently while opening a wine cube.
Please join me in wishing G-man a speedy recovery. So I'll get things rolling by doing a little fusion number I like to call, "In-a-gadda-de-vida loca."
It sounds a lot like my next tune, "18 Days on the Wagon and I Hope I Make It Home Tonight." So sit back and enjoy. Should only take me an hour or so.

 

by XPat
4-27-05
After lunch, a road trip for warm-up gambling, then on to the Martini Bar.
I could drink martinis all night and never get drunk.
What's an eight letter word that starts with 'B' and ends with 'blank, H, I, blank' and means 'highly unlikely?'
Followed by playing the ponies (Dar won!) and more gambling.
I won another race! How much did I win this time?
What's an eight letter word that means 'chump change?'
Finally, a wonderful dinner at Gino's Tons of Mostly Italian Food. Yum.
I always have the lasagna. Not this time. I am definitely trying a new dish tonight.
What's an eight letter word, starts with 'U' and means 'ain't gonna happen?'

 

by XPat
5-02-05
You never know what's going to happen next on the rez. Especially when LoriBelle is in on it.
Those enchiladas were great. I think.
Are you going to be long in there?
I don't know. What have you got planned for the next 30 days?

 

by XPat
5-24-05
Toad and LoriBelle are on Day 5 of the big 'camp out' at the RV park.
Living in a 12 foot trailer with no toilet isn't what I pictured when I dreamed of my future.
When they give you lemons, sweetie, you just gotta make lemonade.
What do you make when they give you a big pile of steamy turds?
A Hot Fudge Turdle Sundae?
OK, Mr. Sunshine. What do you make when they give you flaming hot death?
B-B-Q!

 

by XPat
6-16-05
Gi-gimon and Ku-kumon go into a bar.
This is so stupid. Nobody gets it.
Except your wife.
Shuddup! At least I look like myself. Not like Elmer Fudd there.
Shuddup!
Gi-gimon and Ku-kumon go into a bar.
I think I'm starting to get it.

 

by XPat
7-15-05
Gigimon and Kukumon go into a bar....on a Thursday....again.
I was supposed to home by 8. Let's get out of here before the Shark hits on one of us.
Too late for that. I already got a hand-job there and I didn't even want it.
You are so dead. Was it good?
It was alright. I feel kind of violated, there. Now I have to change my shorts and it's not even Saturday.
Hey, I thought we were getting out of here early for once.
I feel violated that I wasn't violated. She could have at least asked. Is that her under the table in the corner?

 

by XPat
7-18-05
Stop me if you've heard this one. Gigimon and Kukumon go into a bar. *All actual, confirmed, verified events*
Why did you stick your big fat dirty finger in my drink?
I had to because I burnt my finger when I stubbed my cigarette out on some guy's head.
And I had to do that because this guy kept stabbing me with his cigarette just because he accidently sat on a slice of hot pizza. That I put there.
That might explain why my drink had Parmesan cheese in it, and your shirt pocket was full of ashes.
My shirt pocket is full of ashes?
And you have little tiny holes all over your shirt.

 

by XPat
7-19-05
1:57 AM. Apparently, Gigi and Kuku have already been to the bar.
You shouldn't operate any more heavy machinery there tonight. You missed my driveway by three driveways.
Shuddup, you big whiner. I got you home didn't I?
Uh-no, actually, you didn't. This ain't my house.
Yeah. The grass is cut and everything. Are we at my house?
Naw. There ain't no beer cans strewn about the lawn.
Then who's house are....oh no....you fuck one little sheep...

 

by XPat
7-20-05
Kuku has missed Gigi's driveway by a goodly margin. And that ain't good.
Thanks for the ride.
Gigi, you pussy, get back here. Be a man! You fuckin' pussy! Don't ever back down! Be a fuckin' man, you fuckin' pussy!
Uhh....hi there, Sh-Sh-Sh-Shar-- Gigimon ssshhhhould be r-r-right b-b-back. We're...ahh....
Come out to play tonight, did we?
Nope. No play. Not play. Just watch. Not 'that' kind of watching. Hehehe. Neighborwatch hooding. I mean--Neighborhood watching. Not 'that' kind of watching. Hehehe.
Kuku, you're marble-mouthed. You're no good to me in that condition. Come back when you can be a man.

 

by XPat
7-20-05
2:27 AM. Just a late night phone call to check in on a friend.
Kuku. Did you finally make it home?
Fuck you.
Did the Shark think Kuku was the cat's meow? I bet she's a screamer.
Fuck you. And stop calling me at 2:30 in the morning.
Oh. So you didn't get nothing, eh? Figured.
Fuck you. Who is this?

 

by XPat
7-21-05
It's not a good sign when they meet you at the door.
Gigimon, I love you like a brother. But if you can't get my husband home before 3 in the morning, I'm just gonna have to beat you myself.
Can Kuku come out and play?
No, he can't come out and play. He's still recovering from the last time I let the two of you loose on the town. You know, if you two would be productive, just for the time you spend in that bar...
...you probably could have built a house by now. Do you ever think of that? No, I'm sure you don't. Then you might do something about it. I don't know how that sweet wife of yours puts up with that.
I'll tell you something. She and I oughta get together and accomplish something while you two waste away in that bar every night. We could probably cure cancer with all the time we'll have.
So....Kuku can come out later then?

 

by XPat
7-22-05
As we all know by now, Gigimon and Kukumon went into a bar...
Isn't this where Gigi & Kuku hang out?
Gigi & who Ku?
Have you seen the two known as Gigi & Kuku?
You know, everybody's been asking me that this evening, but I have to say, ociffer, I have not seen either Gugu or Kiki.
....or, maybe they didn't.
I haven't seen those rascals, either. But I must say, you're looking rather drunk---err---dashing tonight. What's your name?
Who's playing the theme music from "Jaws"? Rad retro, dude.

 

by XPat
7-26-05
Has Gigimon been in here?
No.
Has Kukumon been in here?
Yeah.
Thanks....Hey....was I with him?
?!?

 

by XPat
7-27-05
Gigi and Kuku are "in the field," which is enviro-speak for "it's too damn nice outside to be stuck in an office."
Did you see yesterday's cartoon, there? I thought it was kinda weak, there.
You just think it's weak THERE because you were the boob, THERE.
They're looking for the elusive pictographs and petrogylphs.
I'm always the boob, there. I'm sick of it.
I'm always the boob. It's about time you were the boob, THERE.
And all they found were a couple of boobs.
You!? You're the boob?? I'm the boob!
I am always the boob.....But this once, I'll let you be the boob, cuz someone has to swim out to reclaim our boat.

 

by XPat
7-27-05
Hello Grand Portage!! He-he-he. I always wanted to do that. Here's one of my favorites: Today, I Started Loving an Okie from Muskogee.
snicker, snicker, snicker
No, no. It's called An Okie From Muskogee Started Loving You Today. Ha-ha. I've had a couple since I slipped out of the office at 2:20. Narlene's not here is she?
chortle, chortle, chortle
Cuz she would lock my door for sure. Anyway, here we go. Today I Started Loving You, An Okie From Muskogee, Again. Ah shit....I mean....
Next! Get him off the fuckin' stage. Gong this fuckin' asshole!

 

by XPat
7-27-05
By the way, the copies of your report are done and collated and in your box. And I read it, it was well done. (Believe it or not)
Thanks, Narlene. I've been wondering, all of a sudden, there, you show up with punk hair and tattoos, there. Why is that?
Well, a few months back, I had to slip out of the country to dodge a few little bombing attempts on Hollow Rock. You know, a little siesta under the hacienda?
Yeah, well, thanks, there, for the report, there.
Does Narlene have to take, like forced retirement, there? She's not that crazy, is she?
Crazy like a fox. But how would I know? It's not like I spy on Hollow Rock with binoculars or anything.

 

by XPat
7-29-05
All week we are auditioning actors for the part of Kukumon, because he believes his portrayal is unflattering.
Hey, Kuku. The Shark is already trolling. Maybe she'll finally get you tonight.
Shuddup. Here comes my wife.
Hey Good-Lookin'. Let's pop back to my place. I'll make you a big pork chop dinner and later, you can get lucky.
Excellent! Let's go, baby.
Vote for your favorite!
Where ya goin'? It's Happy Hour! What a bag a shit. That never happens!
We could make it happen...except we'll tie the pork chops to your Johnson, there. Yummm.

 

by XPat
7-29-05
All week we are auditioning new actors for the part of Kukumon, who thinks his portrayal is unflattering.
Irregardless, I think we'll see some major movement with the master plan for my solid waste.
Irregardless. Do you mean the opposite of regardless? Like regular and irregular?
Not you, too. Irregardless. It's a word. It's in the dictionary.
Well, what was the definition given for 'irregardless' in that particular dictionary?
These Kukus are just not funny. Next!
It really didn't give a definition, per se, but irregardless, that doesn't make it not a word.
So, regardless of the facts presented in the dictionary, of your choosing, you're still using a word for which you have no idea of the meaning?

 

by XPat
7-30-05
The auditions for Kukumon continue. Because he's such a whiner.
Hey, Kuku. Come and help me pick out some songs.
Right on, Little Sister. The Kuku will slide over to spin some vinyl that will mesmerize and mystify. Can you dig it?
Kuku! Come play with me. I'm killing on Porno Photo Hunt with Babes.
Righteous. The Kuku is always there to poke some babes. But first, The Kuku has got to check in wid his main man.
This dog don't hunt. Next!
Did you have to accost every girl in the bar on the way over here?
What it iz, Gigi, my man, iz dat The Kuku don't chase the bitches. The bitches chase The Kuku. Are we tight wid dat? Know what I'm sayin'?

 

by XPat
7-31-05
We're still looking for the new Kuku, because the old one....well, you know.
Kuku, you looked very hot in my wife's snakeskin pants, there.
Yeah, I did look pretty hot. But adding her sweatshirt was the real genius. It really sold the outfit.
Now this Kuku has some pinache.
I also looked pretty damn hot in my skin-tight leather pants.
Hot....and sweaty. I could hear your crotch seams ripping even in my bad ear. But, then you started turning blue...
Yeah, that kinda killed the moment, there. Why were we posing in snakeskin and leather pants in front of the wives when they had a camera?
Camera?

 

by XPat
8-01-05
Who will be the new and improved Kuku?
Gigi, you pussy.
Gigi, you moron.
Vote for your favorite. Results will be
Gigi, you dumb ignoramus.
Gigi, you little fuck.
posted next Monday. There.
Gigi, my man, you one sorry ass muthafucka.
Camera? They had a camera?

 

by XPat
8-05-05
Gigimon and Kukumon went into a bar...oh yeah...and looks who's back.
This is one big fuckin' boat. Where in the hell is the bar?
Didn't ya even miss me?
Of course, I missed you. You think I like playing scenes with a monkey, or watching you get lucky all the time?
I got lucky all the time? Does my wife know?
Of course, she knows. She's the one that picked you up.
My wife picked me up at the bar, and I got lucky? We're a fantasy comic now? Can I fly and shit like that?

 

by XPat
8-05-05
Apparently, we have some Space-Time Continuum issues.
Your wife didn't pick 'you' up. She picked up the stud dude trying out for your part.
Stud dude? My wife picked up a stud dude? She couldn't tell the difference? Do I look like a stud dude?
Okay, dumb question. And what in the hell were you and that monkey talking about, anyway?
Where is the fucking bar on this boat?
Some friend. You dump me for a monkey. You let my wife pick up some stud dude. And you take pictures of me in snakeskin pants when I'm drunk!

 

by XPat
8-06-05
And wrangled an invitation to an after-hours party on a huge yacht.
We've been around this tub five times and there ain't no door. Why did you pick this boat?
I didn't pick it. You picked it.
Don't even start with me. I did not pick this boat. I was following your sorry....hey, look in the window.
That kinda looks like a party.
Must be a formal affair. Get a load of them tuxes.
And why is Mr. Fancy Hat yelling, "Dive! Dive!"

 

by XPat
8-06-05
Yacht party, wrong boat, submarine, overboard. I hate when that happens.
Just great. Not even the wives will believe this one. Even if we told them the truth--not that I'm suggesting we start doing that.
The water was really warm, didn't you think?
Yeah, the water was just fuckin' peachy. And you, dumbass picker of the wrong fucking boat.
I did not...and don't call me dumbass, you little pissant.
Oh yeah. Show off the big vocabulary, Mr. Word. I got two words for you... wrong fucking boat!
I did not pick the wrong boat. And that's three words...

 

by XPat
8-06-05
The operative word here, is "Dive. Dive." Okay, that's two words.
Do you think he was using "dive" in the literal sense?
Well, if that's water rising around my ankles, I'll be using "punch your stupid face" in the literal sense.
Did you see the funny looking slugs go by?
Yeah. They was funny lookin'.

 

by XPat
8-07-05
You drink too much.
I only drink to dull the pain.
What pain?
You know, the pain. The constant pain. Hurty pain. Painful hurtiness of pain.
**We're indebted to squidrabies -Ed.
Sorry, dude. I didn't realize you had such a good reason to drink, there.
Go get me a beer, would you? I'd get it myself, but you know, the pain I was referring to earlier.

 

by XPat
8-15-05
I was in the doghouse all weekend.
That's nothing. I've been in the outhouse all weekend.
Oh yeah? Well, I had to sleep in my truck.
Big deal. I had to sleep in the cabin with six baby skunks.
Oh yeah? Well, I had to...with six baby skunks?
Okay, I just made that part up. How about a beer?

 

by XPat
1-05-06
Gigi & Kuku went into a bar...
BooBoo called and wants to go to Happy Hour tonight.
Does the gimp need a ride or what?
No, he just called to see if we were going to be there.
We're already there. Should we just stay for a few more beers, or should we leave and then come back?
Why do you have to make everything so complicated?
Is that a trick question?

 

by XPat
7-20-06
We now rejoin our heroes in their favorite watering hole...
If I've said it once, I've said it a thousand times...you drink too much.
I never used to drink this much...I just got tired.
You? Tired? Of what? Sleeping?
No...I got tired of chopping wood, hunting moose, setting nets, picking nets, mushing dogs, smoking fish...
Jeez, you're making me tired. Want another beer?
You know...I'm tired of beer. How about a Kobler's?

 

by XPat
12-02-06
You know what I want for Christmas?
Umm...a case of Miller Lite?
No, silly. Now guess again and it better be way fuckin' better than your last guess.
Umm..diamond earrings?
Okay...I'll give you a clue. It rhymes with flat screen TV.
You want a...Van Schmeerzma??

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