All comics by coinilius

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by coinilius
1-28-03
Hello, and welcome to Freakshow 2003!
Tonight, my brother will drive a nail into his forehead for your enjoyment... all without feeling any pain!
Insert 'Nail being driven into forhead' type sound effect here!
Hey, he's right... I don't feel any pain! And ohh... what a pretty light...
Ta-dah!

 

by coinilius
1-28-03
Oh no... according to this letter, Freakshow 2003 is being accused of having a negative impact on young people with all its violence!
What?
I wonder what he means...
I'll show them 'negative impace'...
'Uh-oh...'
Oh impressionable young person...

 

by coinilius
1-28-03
Oh no, what have I done?
Just because they were blaming our show for warping the minds of todays youth, there was no reason for me to do something as horrible as this...
I mean, that was my last 50 bucks I gave that kid to shut her up!
Hey, thanks again mister!

 

by coinilius
1-28-03
So how was school today, honey?
It was great mum... On the way home, this funny man gave me 50 bucks so I wouldn't tell anyone what he was doing to impressionable young kids!
Oh, that's nice, honey... don't spend it all at once...
La La La...
Wait a minute... what did she say?

 

by coinilius
1-28-03
Great news, I've solved all our problems!
Wow, really?
Yep! I gave a little girl money so that she wouldn't tell anyone about what we've been doing to young people!
Uhm... you didn't word it like that, did you?
'Yeah, why?'
Never mind...
Alright, what have you freaks been doing to my daughter?

 

by coinilius
1-28-03
Look lady, you've got the wrong idea... my brother paid your daughter off for strictly non-sexual reasons!
All we do is drive nails into our foreheads on national TV. Perfectly innocent, see?
Look lady, you've got the wrong idea... my friend paid your daughter off for strictly non-sexual reasons!
Oh, you freaks are SO going down...

 

by coinilius
1-28-03
Look lady, you've got the wrong idea... my brother paid off your daughter for strictly non-sexual reasons!
All we do is drive nails into our foreheads on national TV. Perfectly innocent, see?
Oh, you freaks are SO going down...

 

by coinilius
1-28-03
Myself, and several other like minded society members with nothing better to do with our time, have formed a comittee to stamp out your brand of filth!
And now for a word from our sponsors...
Is your lifestyle TO clean? Can't keep up with the Jones' dirty affairs? Then you need...
Freakshow 2003 Brand Filth(tm)! Gauranteed to ruin your life and embarrass the neighbours, or your money back!

 

by coinilius
1-28-03
You can't stop us from doing our show, just because it doesn't jive with your sense of ethics!
Damn right we can! As tolerant, morally upstanding christians, it's our right and duty to enforce our sense of social acceptability on others!
That's not fair...
Face facts, hammer boy, we can't lose! We have centuries of moralistic strong arming on our side! Not to mention Jesus Christ...
Isn't that right, JC?
My arms are really tired...

 

by coinilius
1-28-03
Get them Jesus! Show the little freaks how you deal with sinners!
I absolve you of all sins.
You just don't GET Christianity, do you?

 

by coinilius
1-28-03
They say life is like a box of chocolate...
You never know what you're gonna get.
I think I got a severed finger in mine...
Sigh...

 

by coinilius
1-28-03
Man...
Toastie!
Nothing interesting EVER happens around here.

 

by coinilius
1-28-03
What are you doing?
I'm having a staring contest.
But... you're not staring at anyone.
Yes I am...
Eeek!
I'm staring at THEM.

 

by coinilius
1-28-03
Mommy! Mommy! There are strange people staring at us all the time!
Now dear, don't talk rubbish like that. Honestly, mysterious beings who watch our every moves? Where do you get ideas like that?
Now, you'd better not tell anymore lies like that... Jesus hears everything you say.

 

by coinilius
1-28-03
HA! You blinked!

 

by coinilius
1-28-03
Behold the majestic Dolphin...
It's sleek lines, it's graceful beauty... surely this creature is the epitome of class and pedigree...
I just realised... I crap in the same water I swim in.

 

by coinilius
1-28-03
wow, this was a great idea, bro!
Yeah! I mean, what can go wrong now that we've moved under the sea?!
We interupt this programme with a special news flash....
People need oxygen to breath, so for those of you living under the sea, you're all gonna drown!
Uh oh...
Uh oh...

 

by coinilius
1-28-03
Uh oh... it looks like we've got cockroaches in the studio!
Oh man... what are they doing?
Hello my honey, hello my baby, hello my rag time girl...
Show tunes, by the look of it.

 

by coinilius
1-28-03
This is terrible! We've got a cockroach problem!
I'll say... they're way off key and they totally missed out an entire stanza.
Ok, I'll shut up now...

 

by coinilius
1-28-03
Greetings...
Ah, you must be the exterminator I ordered.
Uhm, In a way...
Excellent!

 

by coinilius
1-28-03
Man, what happened? Last thing I remember, that creepy exterminator was asking me to take a look at his scythe and then... poof, I wake up hear!
And where is here, anyway?
Oh come on... clouds everywhere, half-naked winged guys with large thrusting weapons all around you? Doesn't that give you some clues?
You mean... the set of 'Queer as Folk'?
Sigh...

 

by coinilius
1-28-03
JC, I need your help... the Grim Reaper just killed my brother, and I need you to bring him back from the dead!
I'm sorry, but I'll only ressurect the worthy dead at the time of my Second Coming, when I shall walk the world once more.
But... you're already here?
...
Don't make me have to come down there and smite you...

 

by coinilius
1-28-03
I'm back... and boy, did I have a great time on the set of 'Queer as Folk'!
That's good to hear, but we've still got another problem... the singing bugs are still here!
Hmmm...
If we can't get them exterminated, what are we supposed to do with them?
...And now over to our new band, the Cockroaches!
Girls, they wanna have fun...

 

by coinilius
1-28-03
...lets have a big hand for my brother! And now, what you've all been waiting for.... A Screaming Disembodied Head!
ARGGGGGGGG GGGGGGGGGG GGGH!
Thank you!
I can taste burning... huh.

 

by coinilius
1-28-03
Don't you just love modern art, honey? The way the artists play with notions of what is mundane and what is the fantastic... mixing them together in a way that subverts expectations!
Ohh, look, here's another wonderful piece! Notice how they've clerverly turned the notion of a a park bench on it's ear, thus asking us to face the park bench inside all of us?
Uhm, I think that IS a park bench, mommy.
Mommy knows what she's talking about, honey... she's an opinionated yuppie, remember? Oh look, there's one that's cleverly pastiching the Fire Extinguisher!

 

by coinilius
1-28-03
Why are you sitting here staring into space all the time?
I'm meditating. I quite smoking so now I'm focusing my will power so that I can resist the urge to start again.
Man, I've heard it can be really tough trying to ignore the cancer sticks.
You don't know the half of it...
Hey, look at me, I'm dancing! Dancing I say!

 

by coinilius
1-28-03
Oh no, according to these ratings, our show is loosing popularity... we need to do something to save it, and fast!
How about we have some hot man-on-man action?
OK!

 

by coinilius
1-28-03
Psst, kid... yeah, you, kid... come over here.
What do you want, computer?
Your mothers not around... why don't you try looking up dirty pictures on the Internet?
Now computer, that would be wrong... I mean, do you know how long it takes the good stuff to load? It'd be much easier to use mommy's credit cards to order porn DVD on overnight delivery!
Sniff, that's my girl... so principled.

 

by coinilius
1-28-03
Wait! Don't you think us having sex together is wrong? I mean, we ARE brothers!
Hmm, you're right....
I know, how about you have sex with another man and I'll just watch!
Problem solved!
Yay!

 

by coinilius
1-28-03
Hey, you know that garbage we keep forgetting to put out?
Yeah?
I think we may have let it pile up a little bit TOO much.
Really, what makes you say that?
Give me cheese or I'll suck the brains right out of your skull.
Oh, just a thought...

 

by coinilius
1-28-03
Since I've become so fat and bloated by feasting on your rubbish, I've decided that I deserve to live in this studio, not you freaks!
What? No way, man!
I'm not going to listen to the demands of a giant insect! Even to aknowlege such a creature as an equal would be preposterous!
Now, if you have any further questions, please direct them to my lawyer...
Just don't call between 1 and 2... that's me time, baby!

 

by coinilius
1-28-03
Ok, the fly and I think we've come to an agreement that will keep everybody happy.
He'll live in the dumpster outback and use his probiscus to keep down the rat problem, if you and your brother agree to put lots of cheese in your rubish.
That sounds fair.
I'd shake your hand, but I'm afraid I'd catch something.
I was going to say the same thing.

 

by coinilius
1-28-03
Wow, it must be great being a clown... spending your entire day performing for blank eyes kids, kowing full well their only real interest is in seeing how they can humiliate you.
And then there's the fact that you're stuck in a dead end job, all becuase you're a social miscreant that even McDonalds wouldn't employ!
Oh god... my life sucks! I'm going to go end it all! Sob!
Clowns are funny.

 

by coinilius
1-28-03
Mommy, I need another clown!
What? But that's the third one this week, honey! What do you do to them?
Nothing! Their deliberating psychological problems exist long before I get to them!
I just give them a little push in the right direction, that's all...

 

by coinilius
1-28-03
Come on, you know you want me! Put me in your mouth, take me in... blow me, suck me! Yeah baby!
For the last time, no!
Why don't fags ever take a hint?

 

by coinilius
1-28-03
We now interupt this comic with a special announcement from the Opinionated Mother!
I know I've come across as nothing more than a judgemental, hypocritcal cow, but I'm really not! My only concern is for my daughters well being!
Mummy, can I stick knives into the elctrical sockets?
Do whatever you want, honey, just don't interupt mummy while she's on one of her tirades...

 

by coinilius
1-28-03
Hello there, have you heard the word of Jesus?
So anyway, I said to Mary Magdaline 'how about you and me go back to the mud hut and...'
Yeah, the only problem now is getting him to shut up.

 

by coinilius
1-28-03
Knock knock
Yes?
Something tells me this CAN'T be a good thing...

 

by coinilius
1-28-03
Mommy, mommy! I just made a sentient robot out of spare parts I found at the dump!
What? Don't be so stupid, honey... everyone knows Artificial Intelligence is practically, if not completely, impossible! Now get rid of that junk!
Aww, mommy...
Sorry, but mommy says you don't exist, so it's back in the trash...
But Roboto just wants to live!

 

by coinilius
1-28-03
Arr, avast matey! Let's have a game of Pirates, arr!
Don't be so stupid! We're to old for that sort of childish dress up game!
I'll let you be the captain!
Presently...
Arr!
Shiver me timbers!

 

by coinilius
1-28-03
Hey, what the hell are you supposed to be?
I'm a sentient robot, cast adrift by my creator!
Now, I have to fend for myself on the mean streets of this cruel she-bitch of a city, struggling desperately to carve an identity for myself!
Well, good luck with that...

 

by coinilius
1-28-03
And so, the robot goes on an enlightenig quest to find... er, enlightenment (I've really got to think these things through before I commit them to the page)...
Excuse me, ma'am...
I am just a poor, defencless sentient robot, trying hard to make it in a world of cruelty and persecution... could you please find it in your heart to give me a few dollars?
Aiy-yi-yie!
Ahh, sentient begging robot! Kill it! KILL IT!

 

by coinilius
1-28-03
ARGH! HELP!
DIE ROBOT SCUM!
Man, i am SO sick of seeing the same old shit, day in and day out...

 

by coinilius
1-28-03
So, what happened to the giant cigarett you used to be with?
He doesn't come around anymore... I started using patches to control my urges.
Really? Hey man, do those things actually work?
Sure do... so long as I have them, I never have to crave a cigarette again.
Wow! Isn't to think you can quite smoking just by putting something on your skin!
I didn't quite smoking, just gave up cigarettes... I roll the patches up and smoke them instead!

 

by coinilius
1-28-03
So then, he makes me laugh so hard I snorted Jello up my nose!
That's horrible!
I'll say...
I was trying to snort cocaine up it at the time!

 

by coinilius
1-28-03
And so, after much running, the poor robots electrical heart can take it no more and breaks under the strain of its tortured existence...
Urk!
And in that moment, the horrible truth of her actions dawns on his would be destroyer...
Oh no, what have I done?
I should have set fire to him BEFORE I hounded him to death! Oh well, now to find some cake...

 

by coinilius
1-28-03
Welcome to Heaven, little robot! Though your life was short and full of hardships, you have been rewarded with the eternal happiness of Paradise
Oh Angel... why is it that only in death can my claim to life be proven?
Amen.
Life's just a bitch that way.

 

by coinilius
1-29-03
Rah! I will crush this city! Rah!
Not while I'm here to protect it!
Then we must battle to the death! Rah!
Wait, I'm confused... how did you get to be 50 feet high?
Look, who's telling this story, huh?

 

by coinilius
1-29-03
Ha ha ha! I have done it! I have destroyed all life on the planet! Now, there is nothing but me! Me! Ha ha ha!
...
I'm so lonely...

 

by coinilius
1-30-03
Why have you destroyed everything in the world?
I'm bitter and twisted because I didn't get enough hugs as a child!
But you're a robot! You never even HAD a childhood!
See? That's why I'm bitter!
Sigh...

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