All comics by johnroth

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by johnroth
12-14-02
So here I am with my guest today, Mr. Fix-It!
...
So... ah.... Mr. Fix-It! What inspired you to... well... fix things!
...
Alright, I have now reached the point where I fear for my life.
I MUSH HAVE TEH BR1ANZ FER MA STU!!!1!!ondseven

 

by johnroth
12-14-02
Please! I have a wife and kids!
OOOoOOoOoOO! I SEE TEH CANDIEZZ!!!onefour
Er.... I should probably leave now....
MMMmmMMmMMmuchsmackcruchMMmm
OH DEAR GOD!
Well that was odd. That candy turned me into homosexual human. So, like, do you wanna get it on or what, cause I don't have all day.

 

by johnroth
12-14-02
ARRR!!! What be tha problem with society today!? I wants to puke all over me poop deck! Thar be too many options when buyin me coffee!
Um, sir, we have reports of you ridding around in an RV and stealing people's things from thier cars, and I'd just like to ask you a few questions.
And do ya think throwin me in jail would solve all of tha world's problems, do ya!?
Sir, I'm not here to solve all the world's problems, I'm just here to make sure the law is upheld.
Arrr, its sad, ye truely have no idea how empty your soul be.
Sir, I can and will beat you to death if you don't stop talking that shitty pirate dialect and answer my goddamn questions.

 

by johnroth
12-14-02
ARE YA MAKIN FUN O MA ACCENT! What right do ye have ta judge others! Ye scurvy dog!
Sir, do you want to go to jail and be endlessly butt rapped?
I already am in me RV.
Because I swear to god I will just break out my nightstick and start... eh... what?
Arrr, just go now and let me be at peace with me burned out asshole.
I am going to go take a cold shower and stare at boobs for several hours.

 

by johnroth
12-14-02
Arrr...
Hey pirate! Whats up!
Me mother just died....
Uh... didn't your mother die like 80 years ago?
ARRR!! DEM SOME PRETTY BIG WORDS FER A MAN THAT JUST LET MR. FIX-IT RAVAGE HIM!
I fucking hate you sometimes, I'm going to go masturbate and stare at boobs with the cop.

 

by johnroth
12-14-02
Hey cop, whats up?
SIR! WHAT THE FUCK IS YOUR PROBLEM! DO YOU KNOW HOW TO KNOCK!?!??!
What the heck, I'm sorry dude, you don't have to be such a fucking shit head.
Can't you fucking see I'm jerkin off here!?
.... with your hands on your clipbaord?
Just fuck you sir, you just wouldn't understand!

 

by johnroth
12-14-02
OMG LEIK WILL YOU BE MA FRIENZZ?!!!eightfour
Okay.... but what I really want is to bed fucked in the face.....
oooOOKAY< LIEK OMG SEE YAZ LATERZ!!!!fourteen OMG!!!
*Sobs*
I will never be loved.....

 

by johnroth
12-14-02
YAR! I'VE COME TO TAKE YER BOOTY!
If by booty you mean fucking me in the face, then I have plenty of it.....
...
...
OMGZ!!!11!one WHAT ARE TEH DOING?!?!?!!one
..... I wish my eyeballs would explode. Suicide is my only option.

 

by johnroth
12-14-02
Oh, oh yeah, mm hm, oh....
You like that? Huh? You like that?
Oh yeah.. oh yeah.. OH! OH!!! ..... what... the fuck?
I know you like it, now lets have some fun with this donkey...
Great. With the donkey I may have kept going, but this is too far.
Only if I can shove this chainsaw up your ass baby....

 

by johnroth
12-14-02
Yeah, right in there.... now just start it up.... BBZZZZ OHMYFUCKINGGOD YESTEARMYBODYINTWO HEEHAW BZZZZZ!!!!
Oh no, I'm covered in blood, I better wash myself off and use his dead hands to get off.....
LEIK OMG WHAT IS THIS??!?!!!fart
Oh wow baby, even in death you can fuck like a donkey.... oh wait, that is the donkey....

 

by johnroth
12-14-02
Hey cop, have you seen Mr. Fix-It?
Yes sir, he was wondering around my room after I was totally disgusted by my porn.
You... ah.... turned it off, didn't you?
Can't, stop button is broken on my VCR.
LEIK OMG I NEED TEH s3><0rZ NOW LITTLE GIRL!!!poop WE USE TEH CHAINSAWZ I STICK IT IN YOUR ASS OMG LOL!!!one
What eva mista, jus as long as I get paid.

 

by johnroth
12-14-02
Oh my god! Mr. Fix-It, are you okay?!
...
M-Mr. Fix-It? You okay? Huh buddy? Don't kill me?
.........
NNNOOOOOO I'M TOO YOUNG TO DIE!!!!!
IT IS TEH s3><0rZ TIME FOR U!!!1!11one BEEEEEEND OVER LOL OMG XD XD!!!1two

 

by johnroth
12-14-02
And so, after I got out of the hospital, I found out that Mr. Fix-It finally released all his sexual tention, and the city is finally returning to norml.
Thats very good sir.
So I was wondering, can we let this never happen again and throw away your VCR?
Well I suppose we... OH!! OH YEAH BABY! YES!!!!!!!!!
What... the hell?
Sorry sir, just felt the need to masturbate right in front of you, I'll do dispose of my VCR now.

 

by johnroth
12-14-02
*Yawns* Ahhhhh, that was such a great night of sex, wasn't it pirate. Pirate?
Pirate? Pirate?! PIRATE?!!? NOOOOO!!!! HE HAS LEFT ME! JUST LIKE EVERYONE ELSE!!!
I will not sulk around this time in depression. Its time to take revenge.

 

by johnroth
12-14-02
The streets will FILL with the blood of innocent victims before I lay to rest....
Flush
Arrr, that was a good du... huh? Whar be ye, killer?

 

by johnroth
12-14-02
Yes... burn school children.... fuel my hatred for life....
OH MY GOD! MOMMY! MY FLESH IS MELTING FROM MY BODY!!! THE PAIN!
killer! What are ye doin? Why did ye leave earlier and cause such devistation!?
What do you want?! You left me!!
But I had jus gone ta take a shit, yar....
Oh dear........

 

by johnroth
12-14-02
WHY?! WHY CAN'T I FEEL MY LEGS!!!!
I would just like to apologize to all the people I've killed, theres just been a terrible mistake on my part....
Oh GOD! I CAN'T FEEL MY ARMS EITHER!!
I mean, there is just no way I can make up for this... but you see.....
Aww, thats sweet. Can you hand me my limbs that seem to be randomly dispersed through out here?
Its just... well.... you see, I'm in love.

 

by johnroth
12-14-02
HAH HAH HAH THIS IS TEH FUNNY STUFF OMG LOL!!!1!!one
Hey Mr. Fix-It! Guess what today is!
UMMM.... KILL EVERYONE DAY?!!?!!!!onequestionmark LOL
W-what!? Dear god no! Its take a mentaly hadicapped child to work day!
SOOOO WHATS THAT GOT TO DO WIT ME?!?!!fork
Just get in the car, your coming with me to work.

 

by johnroth
12-14-02
HEY LIZARD WHERE WE GOIN??!!!!!!!!11four
I told you, I'm taking you with me to work, now shutup and let me drive.
BUT WE R NOT IN A CAR!!!eightyseven
Since when did you become Mr. Perceptive? Look, I'm sure theres some hypadermic needles laying around in back, mabye they have some herione in them, go nuts.
YAAAY AYAYAYA YYAYA YAYAAAA YAYAYAAY!!!!!eleven
Fuckin kids....

 

by johnroth
12-14-02
WEEEEEE I AM A KING OF SOME SORT ON THIS COMPUTER TABLE!!!!oneeight
Whatever. We have to go tell the boss I brought you here so I can get some free donuts and coffee.
Sir, I brought in a mentally hadicapped child.
Well thats rather delightful of you, I didn't think anyone would participate in this little work related event. Let me meet the little fellow!
HEY WHAT TEH FUCK IS IN THAT CUP IZ IT COFFEE I WANT IT NOW!!!!one11two
My my... you have such a.... colorful use of the english langauge.....

 

by johnroth
12-14-02
I'M SERIOUS d00d GIVE ME TEH COFFEEZZ NOW!!!iamsatan
Why, you sure are a wired little fellow, aren't you....
GIVE IT TO ME NOW!!!1one LOL I HAVE TEH HAMMER!!!!2eight I AM NOT AFRAID TEH USE IT OMG !!!1!one
Well, alright, but just one cup.
So do I need to keep him with me, or can I just let him run wild?
Do whatever you wish, just remember to lock my door on the way out.

 

by johnroth
12-14-02
Because I'm jerking off, now get the fuck outta here.
OMG HEY MISTER WHATS UP WHY R j00 LOOKING AT TEH PORN LOL OMG XD!!!!111one
mm.... oh..... yeah.... oh....
....
GO AWAY!
I JERKED TEH OFF ONCE!!1!pi

 

by johnroth
12-14-02
Sigh, why are you still here?
UMMMM......
Obviosuly
YOU HAVE TO BE NICE TEH ME, I'M MENTALY HANDICAPPED!!!1vomit
If you don't leave right now I'm going to splooge all over you.
OKAY SEE j00Z LATERZ LOL OMG!!!11!!one

 

by johnroth
12-14-02
...
Oh god, I hate my life. I've been working here for 80 years and I'm still only making 1.50 an hour...
...
My fucking wife left me yesterday, and all my kids died in a horrible car accident last Tuesday! And I got evicted seven minutes ago!
YAY!!1!one
And the doctor just called 2 seconds ago and told me I have contracted a fatal form of lung cancer from smoking since I was 3 and a half!

 

by johnroth
12-14-02
WELL I COULD KILL j00 IF j00 WANT!!1!!!erk
WHAT?! Could you?! I'll give you candy or money....
CANDY!!!!1!111!one
OH GOD MY RECTUM!
What frightening transformation will this bring about!? If you don't know you obviosuly didn't read the second comic.
MUNCHCRUNCHSMACK MMmMMMmMMMm MmMmmmm
WHAT?! Could you?! I'll give you candy or money....

 

by johnroth
12-14-02
Why were you masturbating at work?!
So what the fuck is up with that retarded kid you brought in? He came into my office while I was masturbating and wouldn't leave...
Er, uh.... well... its.....
In October?!
H-hey, look at the time, I gotta go do my taxes before there late!

 

by johnroth
12-15-02
Hmmm... mm.... I so do love my coffee.
shuffle shuffle
Huh?
...
Must've been the air turning on. Now, back to my coffee.....
shuffle shuffle

 

by johnroth
12-15-02
Well I'll say, there it was again, I.... what the....?
shuffle shuffle SMASH
Who... who the heck are you? And why, pretell, did you come in through my air vent?
Hey buddy, whats up?
Oh dear!
I'm Mr. Fix-It, and I'm here to butt rape you when this form last. Because I'm gay.

 

by johnroth
12-15-02
I must admit, I rather do not like being analy fucked, and I am by no means gay.
Thats why its called rape, buddy.
And do my sharp teeth and menacing glare frighten you in the least?
Mmmm.... nope. All I see when I look at you is your asshole.
Well then, as the Borg say "Resistance is futile."
Shutup you Star Trek fuck and lift up your tail.

 

by johnroth
12-15-02
Laaa laa la.
Oh! OW! Ouch I say!
What the hell?
You know you like it, quit crying out in pain!
That voice.... MR. FIX-IT!
Hey there! Thats a little rough! My spi- AAAAAHHHHHR RRRRRGGGGGGGGG AAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!!!

 

by johnroth
12-15-02
Mr. Fix-It! I..... oh... my... god. Theres blood everywhere!
Yeah... sorry about that, I got a little carried away.
How'm I going to explain this to my co-workers?!
Who cares, now turn around and let my miner enter your chocolate cave!
Your fucking sick, you know that?
I'm just trying to catch you off guard.

 

by johnroth
12-15-02
No! I'm not going to give in to you this time!
Goddamn you! Come'on and turn around, its morphin time!
What the hell did you just say?
OH SHIT! DAMNIT!
Er.... odd..... but effective.
HI!!1!1onethree OOoOOoooOoOO WHERE DID ALL THE BLOOD COME FROM, DID I DO THAT!?!?!?!!!!meat

 

by johnroth
12-16-02
Okay! We gotta run to the car as fast as we can! Crap! I have to go my office! You go to the car!
OoooOOOOoOOoo OKAY!!!one!1
Try not to get caught! I'll meet you there!
BUT I HAVE TEH HAMMER!!oen!11five
HEEYYY.... WAIT.... WHERES THE CAR?!!?!?!12!!lice

 

by johnroth
12-16-02
Hey lizard, whats the rush, leaving work early?
Crap crap crap, gotta get all my stuff together... AHHH!
I mean, I just walked past the mess in the bosses office....
Uh... uh... uh.... I.....
Fair enough, I'll see you tomorrow then.
You tell me why you were masturbating at work and I'll start answering your questions.

 

by johnroth
12-16-02
Good, you made it to the car! Now lets.... hey... wait. You didn't kill anyone on the way here, did you?
UMMM.... NOOOOOO!!!!11!11111111
Well, see, I just noticed all the dead bodies on the floor, and your the only one in the car with a homicidal past, so I just figured....
...
You know what, I'm just gonna start driving and pretend that there isn't blood and guts all over the floor.
YEEESSSSS THIS IDEA PLEASE TEH MR. FIX-IT!!one!11apes

 

by johnroth
12-16-02
Meanwhile, on the OTHER side of town....
Mwahahahaha! Using my ultra super intellegence I will take over the world!!!!one
KZZZT YES, DEATH AND TERROR!!! KZZZT
What? No, we're going to take over the world using my intellegence, not death. I need slaves!!one!1
KZZZT PROTOCOL ERROR INSERT FLOPPY DISC IN TO A:/ AND STRIKE RETURN KZZZT
Wha.... what? Wait... who built you!? It sure as hell wasn't me!!!onefour!!1
KZZT ALL YOUR BASE ARE BELONG TO JENNA JAMESON KZZT

 

by johnroth
12-16-02
Feh. Whatever. Lets go to the other side of town and test the Hypno Ray that I installed into my hardware.
KZZZT PROTOCAL ERROR. CEASE ALL FUNCTIONS IMMEDIATLY. KZZZT
I'm going now. Don't follow me!!14!1one
KZZZT ... KZZZT
KZZZT UPLOADING NEW DATA PROGRAM. BEGIN UPLOAD OF DATA PACKET: 01 Dancing and singing for Dummies. KZZZT

 

by johnroth
12-16-02
Yarrr.....
What the..... Why the hell is there feces all over the floor?!
Well, when ya been filled with man meat as many times as I 'ave, ya begin to lose control over yer bowel movements.
Then why don't you wear a diaper?! Or freeckin pants!
ARR, Is that all ye can do, is judge?! Are ye the king o fashion, and I yer loyal dog?! I think not, yarr!
I'm sorry, I forgot pirates don't find it disgusting to walk around in thier own fecal matter.

 

by johnroth
12-16-02
Hey baby, why the frown? My big giant horsey cock is here to turn your frown upside down.
Mmmm... oh yeah mommy.... touch me there.... yes sir.... oh yeah....
In the light of justice arrives the terrible force known only as....
HEY! WHAT THE FUCK IS UP WITH THIS SHIT?!
Me! Hello!11!1one
I don't care what the hell you are sir, but if you are going to die if you don't bring my porn back RIGHT NOW!

 

by johnroth
12-16-02
Your going to obey me now, because I am now your new master and leader!!one1!
What the hell are you ta-.... yes... I obey the robot.... he is my leader...
Yay! It works! Now, tell me, what can you do?!?!onefour!1
I can... masturbate... without touching my crotch.... but only when my hands are on this clipboard....
Uh.... what.... I.... you are free to go jump off a cliff slave!11one!!1
Yes..... I will leap to my doom.... in the name of my master....

 

by johnroth
12-16-02
Arrr..... this world is filled with tha stench of all those who're judging others, when whos right is it to judge anyone...
Hey-oh!!!one1!1
WHAT DA YE WANT LITTLE ROBOT MAN?!
For you to be my loyal slave!!!11one1
Arr, I apologize, but yer trickery dunna work on me, I've got a hook for a hand, ya see....
Yes slave! Just sit there and pretend that I didn't hypnotize you!111!11one

 

by johnroth
12-16-02
Hey there, your my slave now!!one!1
Why.... why cannot I find real love... why does everyone leave me in the end?
Umm.... I don't care, just be my slave!11!1one
It is as if fate itself is working against me, me and my burning passion to be fucked in the face until I choke....
Jesus Christ, what the hell is wrong with the people here?!?!1one!!?
Oh my god! Is that the cop! Hes jumping off the cliff!

 

by johnroth
12-16-02
No! Cop! Don't do it! Please! I'll let you fuck me in the face if you don't!
Jump... off... cliff for master....
Eh! Eh! You know you want to!
...
Well, now that I'm no longer in a trance, doing this is really because I have no other choice.
Oh, I mean, we should go look at some boobs and jerk off.... in my face.

 

by johnroth
12-16-02
Well this is definatly not going as I had hoped....!!one!1
Why don't my powers work on anyone... well, it worked on the cop, but a lot of use he was....!!!one!1!1
HHHHEEEEEYYYY!!!!!one!one I HAVEN'T SEEN TEH YOU FOREVER!!!one!1shit
Great. Just when I think this place couldn't get any SHITTIER my damn clone shows up!!one!1
LOOOOOK!!one!1four I STILL HAVE TEH HAMMER YOU GAVE ME FOR CHRISTMAS LOL OMG LOL!!!one!!111!1

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