All comics by justindanker

 

by justindanker
9-20-05
Holy shit! Im totally trippin!
Jesus told me to eat my arm.
Beggin beggin beggin beggin strips
Whoa, what just happened?

 

Can I get some help in here?
by justindanker, 9-20-05

 

by justindanker
9-21-05
Can I give you a rimjob?
Cant you see that Im obviously with Captain Snugglepuss?
Sup, my nigga!!!
Oh lord, you are on PCP again!?!?!
You wanna go eat people?
Yeah sure, as long as they arent Mexican.

 

by justindanker
9-21-05
Do you listen to ICP?
Dont those guys 69 on stage?
Yeah, I think thats sexy.
A homosexual would I suppose.
I want some Faygo!!
Can I sniff your butt?

 

by justindanker
9-26-05
Do you want to have the anal with my bum bum?
Bitch Im playin a video games where I have to do this hooker in the poohole, so forgets you skeezAHHHHH!
OMG@OMG! OM OMG!!!!! Oh jeez? OMGOMG!!!!!OMG OMGOMG!!!!
BITCH!! You doubted my ability to kill a motherfucker!!!!!!!!

 

by justindanker
9-27-05
Im glad you came for poetry night.
Who the hell is this guy? Fuck this, back to space for me, there arent even any chicks here.
As Astromagic leaves...
Yeah, Mr Stick Weirdo Guy, you need to leave, this is a gay bar, but you are too gay to be here.
Im pregnant with your dog.

 

Son of a bitch! I was gonna sleep there tonight!
by justindanker, 9-27-05

 

by justindanker
9-27-05
OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG !! WHAT? OMGOMG OMG!!
Im a craaaazzyy elephant, woopty doo.
The fire isnt in the hole guys, its over here like I originally said.

 

by justindanker
9-29-05
Im Rockapella.
Who?
Rockapella.
Who?
You know, Rockapella.
Uhh, I dont know what that means, you need to leave.

 

by justindanker
9-29-05
Im nuts man!!
Did you bring the dope or not?
I brought the dope and the candy apples.
Are the candy apples extra?
You betcha motherfucker!!
Aight, I'll take all the dope you have and ummm two candy apples.

 

Oh no!! How am I supposed to kill him without making my big "why Im killing you " speech?
by justindanker, 9-29-05

 

by justindanker
9-29-05
Hi, may I help you?
Umm Im uh looking for a shirt where the Nike thingy goes the right way.
Im a fucking dog, how the hell would I know?
Ok.
Ok.

 

by justindanker
10-03-05
I cant believe Karl overdosed on heroin and pcp at the same time.
What a frickin buzz kill.
You wanna go drop some acid at my house?
Why the fuck wouldnt I?
I thought maybe you were a sissy boy.
Sissy boy? Bitch dont yout know who I am? Thats not important right now, whats important is that you dont scream when Im riding that ass.

 

by justindanker
10-03-05
Is this motherfucker serious with the no pants thing?
Whooooaaaooaoaa!!!! The room is spinnin man its spinnin, spinny spinny spun spin.
Is this motherfucker serious with the whole spinny spin spin shit?
Im the King of all that is white rappers!!!
Im so gonna f him tonight!!
Bitches all want deez nuts, motherfuckaz wanna suck on deez nutz, uh uh, what what motherfuckerzz, gotta get down wit my crew yall, gotta get down with my balls yall.

 

by justindanker
10-03-05
You are the only pussy Ive seen in months.
Uhhh what?
Pussy you know, something for me to stick my dick in.
Oh go right ahead.

 

by justindanker
10-03-05
You look like the kind of guy thats going places in this company!
Umm Im the janitor.
How would you like to be head janitor of the entire company.
Sounds good to me.
What Im really trying to say is give me a blowjob or youre fired.
Head janitor you say? Im liking this already.

 

by justindanker
10-03-05
Ok Im not looking.
I never told you to cover your eyes.
I have to, because it disgusts me that Im in love with a red nosed freak.
That makes me sad.
Yeah, if I werent a robot Id kill myself with rat poison.
Thats how Id kill you too.

 

by justindanker
10-03-05
Yo motherfucker you wanna get with one of my disease free ladies of the night?
How disease free are they? Im looking to get herpes to conduct an experiment in space.
Motherfucker, are youi calling me a dirty vagina dealer? Are you trying to say that my vaginas are stank? Is that what you are getting at?
No I just want to get herpes, if you dont have dirty herpe vag for sale I'll just take some angel dust if you have any.
Now you talkin motherfucker!!!

 

by justindanker
10-03-05
Well, what do you know? Its Jesus on my lawn.
Yeah dude, I gotta use the bathroom.
Well, what do you know? Its Jesus and he has to use my bathroom.
Yeah dude, I took some bad shrooms and I just really need to puke and shit my loin cloth like a mother, if you wouldnt mind.
Dude you gotta be trippin if you think Im gonna let you jerk off in my bathroom again.
Come on, Ill let you touch me.

 

by justindanker
10-03-05
Hi kids!!!! I'll be your sex ed teacher, you can call me Super STD Buster!!! I bust the shit out of STDS.....
.....like the herpes, the clap aka the drip, the AIDS, and some of the other ones we arent gonna learn about, Do you have any questions? Yes you in the front row.
Why arent we gonna learn about the other STDs?
Because you'll be too busy having sex with each other while I film it so I can later grade you at home with my assistant Dr Molestardo.

 

by justindanker
10-03-05
If I was a really cop, Id beat you til you bled out your faggot ass.
If I were a faggot my ass would already be bleeding.
Dont think I cant bust you your ass.
If you busted my ass I wouldnt mind.
What are you doing later?
Call me.

 

by justindanker
10-06-05
Did you bring me what I asked for?
Yeah I got the shit. China White motherfucker, I killed two men to get it.
Whoa dude, I didnt want anybody to die over it, but you know what? I'll be too fucked up to care.
No shit, Im so fucked up Im not even talkin to you man, I need another bump.
Lets go inside and shoot each other up in the dick.

 

Freak!
by justindanker, 10-06-05

 

by justindanker
10-06-05
I'll trade you my kitty for your baby.
Sounds like a deal if I ever heard one.
Perfect, now I have something to sell on Ebay.
Good luck, I already tried.
Dont worry, Im gonna sell the dirty diapers.
Thats a great idea, why didnt I think of that?

 

by justindanker
10-07-05
So whats the deal with Jewish people?
Makes my one day of work a year that much easier.
Is this thing on? You in the front row...

 

by justindanker
10-07-05
Where the fuck are we?
Ever since you turned into a giant fly you've been a giant pain in my well polised asshole.
Its not my fault that I turned into a giant fly.
You are right, I should have never shoved you into that nuclear waste, my bad bro.
Now where the fuck are we?
Thats it! After this acid trip is over Im gonna buy bug spray up in the ninny tay.

 

by justindanker
10-08-05
Im so drunk right now, Id put my dick in anything.
Ohhhh shit!
Well hey there Mr Pumpkin-o-lantern guy. You got a not gay hole on you somewhere?
Im a fuckin pumpkin shitballs, its not like there are female pumpkins. Dammit, you just pissed me off.
Its not talking so Im assuming its dead, looks like its all systems go down below, where the big bone flows.
I wish I were alive.

 

by justindanker
10-09-05
What it be The Jabebus?
Nothing just fighting terrorists, like errrveryday.
You bustin their balls pretty hard baller?
I stuck my sword up ones brown star yesterday, it was sick, when I say sick I mean it was off the hook.
And by sword you mean your dick, right?
Well, no, but I did that too.

 

by justindanker
10-13-05
I need to get laid fast!
Im a statue, how can I help?
For one you can hold that horsey still while I get him hard enough to fill my gaping stinkhole!!
Ma'am I would be honored.
Hold it just a second cap'n I gotta boot some china white to get in the mood.
Oh dude, can we share needles?

 

by justindanker
10-13-05
I really dont know if a graveyard is the place to be when we are trying to AVOID zombies.
Ive got the gun, you shut your faggot mouth.
I might just be drunk, but I can feel you coming onto me or maybe Im just coming on myself.
Im a rabbit with a gun motherfucker, you listen to me, and Im saying SHUT THE FUCK UP!!
I really dont think a graveyard is the place to be when we are trying to AVOID zombies.
Im gonna get his motherfucker bit.

 

by justindanker
10-13-05
Skeet skeet skeet!!
Player, you can have me anytime you want....../for the junk!!
Skeet skeet skeet, I never forget to bring the party bitch!!!
Lets get a sleezy motel room and shoot H into my NECK!!!!!!!!!
Im just gonna stomp on you afterwards, because I AM A WILD ELEPHANT!!!
The wilder the better baby, work my pusssssayyyyyy!

 

by justindanker
10-23-05
I got you this.
Is it another bottle of RAID?
Baby, that was so long ago.
That was yesterday.
Well in bug years that IS a long time.
Oh no you didnt.

 

MMMMMMMMMMM! FRESH AIRRRRRR!!!!
by justindanker, 10-25-05

 

by justindanker
10-25-05
Are you sure this is art?
Its art baby, its art, snap snap!
It looks like a costume.
The art starts when the cops get here and see the dead hooker in the other room.
Oh that makes sense.
Zippity pow baby, zippity pow!

 

by justindanker
10-25-05
Well lets see here, Jesus is right here, should I give him a wedgie, or has is dying for my sins enough?
Shit, I hope this guy doesnt give me a wedgie.
Wedgie, no wedgie, wedgie, no wedgie, wedgie, no wedgie.
Dad, if you can hear me, Im pretty sure this dude is gonna give me a wedgie, and thats not gonna feel good on my ass herpes.
Grilled cheese sounds really good.
Thats right pussy, run home to mommy !!! What a bitch.

 

by justindanker
10-25-05
Dude Im sure the farm cant be much farther.
Well heck, I think we in Iraq or somethin.
Dude, do you see sand or fuckin scorpions anywhere?
Ever since I took all that peyote Ive been seeing all kinds of things.
Whoa shit, peyote? Forget the farm, lets go to the strip club and steal some g-strings.
Can I eat some buffet when we get there?

 

by justindanker
10-27-05
You are fucking dead drunky!!!
I knew I shouldnt have said an axe, a giant squirrel and a mug of beer...
You are fucking dead drunky!
...Bob stole mine though, an AIDSless hooker, a bong, and and the ability to grow some stellar weed....
Fuck man, have I told you how dead you are yet?
...oh man, I should have said a flying dolphin, that would have blown some minds.

 

by justindanker
10-27-05
Smoky is gonna kick my ass.
I should have listened when he said only I could prevent this shit.
Did I have a horse or something, this saddle is getting heavy.

 

by justindanker
10-27-05
Is this the Wizard of Oz tryouts?
Yeah, Im trying out for Dorothy.
Youre fucking ugly though.
Im a man too, wanna make something of it?
No, I was hoping to give you a blowjob backstage.
Do you have any idea how small a rabbit penis is?

 

by justindanker
10-27-05
Look peeps, heres the deal, Im running for president!
I know what your thinkin, "he's a fucking dinosaur" but if you look closely, Im a fuckin smoking dinosaur brah!
I will booyah this country back into shape, vote for me!

 

by justindanker
10-27-05
This protest is weak.
Man, everybody will show up in a minute man.
We are on a fucking boat, in the middle of the fucking ocean.
Hippies are amazing swimmers.
Really?
No wait, thats swimmers, what are we doing on this boat?

 

by justindanker
10-27-05
Oh shit, who is this guy?
Hey son, Im here to give you your black plague vaccine.
This isnt the hospital dude, its a bus stop.
Call it what you want, but you need to trust Dr. Heroinson.
Dr you say? What are you doing Friday night?
Cutting your body into smaller pieces if you let me give you this shot.

 

by justindanker
10-27-05
Doc I dont know if cutting my asshole out was such a good idea.
Look homeboy, I do what I do, Im the Doctor here.
Yeah, I suppose that would make sense.
How did you learn to talk?
Im not talking, you are just talking to yourself.
Oh yeah, thats right.

 

Oh wow, that guy I ate must have been on some drugs.
by justindanker, 10-27-05

 

by justindanker
10-27-05
OZZY! OZZY! OZZY! OZZY!
Ozzy isnt until later, brosefus, fuck you, my stage time now motherfucker!
JESUS STARTS ROCKING!!
JESUS! JESUS! JESUS!
MY MIGHTY SWORD WILL KILL ALL YOU MOTHERFUCKARRRRRRS!!! MY DAD IS GOD, BUT HE DRIVES A SAAAAAAAAAB! MOSH MOSH MOSH!! GRRRRRRRRRRRR
OZZY! OZZY! OZZY!
ALL YOU MOTHERFUCKERRRRRS GONNA PAY FOR MY SINS!!! IM METAL IM METAL IM METAL, KILLIN MOTHERFUCKERS, MYSELFFFFFFFF.

 

by justindanker
10-27-05
This is a bullshit.
Im writing you a ticket for America sir.
So what, I cut a few people, big deal.
Sir, if you dont settle down Im gonna have you put in the slammer. LAPD style!
Come on, let me cut one more person.
Hmmmm, can I pick?

 

by justindanker
10-27-05
Arbys glove, you look strung out.
Baby, Ive been shooting liquid cheese into my seams, its a trip.
Thats the sexiest thing Ive ever heard.
Give me some money, I need a fix. Its cold in here, turn on the heater.
Can you score some roast beef on the DL?
Anything for liquid cheese!!

 

by justindanker
10-27-05
Sup loser.
I am the magic wish granting head.
Bitchin! How many do I get?
You get 2 wishes.
What a jip, wish one, I want my farts to smell really really bad, wish two, a bologna sandwich. SWISH!

 

What I would give for a pooper scooper and use of one of my hands.
by justindanker, 10-27-05

 

by justindanker
10-28-05
Santa?
Yeah its me, nobody was good this year, besides the Jews, so Im kinda out of a job.
Bummer, Im a hippie, so I know what it feels like to be useless.
Im here trying to get a delivery job, how about you?
Im stealing staplers to sell for weed and LSD.
I can hook you up.

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