Simian Says: ER by four_legged_tripod 6-24-09

Where am I? And why is everything so bright? Mr. Monkey, I'm nurse Natalie. You're in the hospital. Either I've died and gone to heaven, or I'm in a 3-D version of "Naughty Night Nurses 4." Mr. Monkey, I'm going to need to take your temperature rectally now. Ah, "Naughty Night Nurses 4." I knew it!

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"Humiliation is humiliation only when you choose to suffer." ~ Chuck Palahniuk, Choke

Simian Says: Hello Nurse! by four_legged_tripod 6-24-09

Is there anything else I can get you? Can I get one of those catheters with the balloon on the end. And why would you want that? I've always wanted to watch the nurse blow up the balloon orally after it's inserted. That's not exactly how I do that. I use a hand pump. Oh, I'm sorry. I thought you were the head nurse.

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"Humiliation is humiliation only when you choose to suffer." ~ Chuck Palahniuk, Choke

Simian Says: Good News Bad News by four_legged_tripod 6-24-09

Mr. Monkey? I'm Dr. Dan. You drank a little too much last night and passed out that's all. Be we ran some tests and I'm afraid I have some good news and some bad news. Give me the bad news first doc. The bad news is that you have an animal STD called Brucellosis which has developed into endocarditis. And the good news? You won't have to worry about this disease much longer as you only have about 48 hours left to live.

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"Humiliation is humiliation only when you choose to suffer." ~ Chuck Palahniuk, Choke

Simian Says: Hello, Operator? by four_legged_tripod 6-24-09

I suggest that you contact those you have been with sexually over the past five years and let them know that they may be infected as well. Is it possible to call everyone in the New York phone book in 48 hours? You might want to try calling one of your first partners to see if they've been infected and go from there. I don't care what you've heard about toilet seats. I didn't give it to him.

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"Humiliation is humiliation only when you choose to suffer." ~ Chuck Palahniuk, Choke

Simian Says: 47 Hours Later by four_legged_tripod 6-24-09

47 hours later ... So I've been up for 47 hours calling anyone and everyone I could think of and you're the last on the list. They say if you start antibiotics soon, you'll be okay. Oh monkey, I'm so sorry. Is there anything I can do? Just in case I'm around a little while longer, could you call Make-A-Wish and see if I could get some high class strippers up in here?

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"Humiliation is humiliation only when you choose to suffer." ~ Chuck Palahniuk, Choke

Simian Says: Going Towards the Light by four_legged_tripod 6-24-09

beep...beep...beep...beep...beep... They say when you're about to die, your life flashes before your eyes. beep...beep...beep...beep...beep... I see drunken orgies, hookers, bondage whips, older women, younger kids, latex gloves and a horse named Charlie. beep...beep...beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep And that was just last Thursday ...

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"Humiliation is humiliation only when you choose to suffer." ~ Chuck Palahniuk, Choke

Simian Says: Come to Jesus by four_legged_tripod 6-24-09

Oh wow! There's no way I'm in heaven. After everything I did and to all of those I did it to, why would they let me up here? You're up here cuz I'm punishing Satan. He really wanted to party with you.

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"Humiliation is humiliation only when you choose to suffer." ~ Chuck Palahniuk, Choke

Simian Says: God's Plan by four_legged_tripod 6-24-09

Here's the deal monkey, you and I both know you can't stay here and keeping you out of hell really pisses off Satan ... So what then, purgatory? No. Purgatory's a myth I created to keep the Catholics busy. I'm talking reincarnation. It's a myth as well but I have the power to do it. You're going to send me back to Earth as someone else to teach me a lesson? You'll be seen by a lot of people but you'll have a face that no one will love so you'll be doomed to be around people but not have sex. So am I coming back as Clint Howard or Steve Buscemi?

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"Humiliation is humiliation only when you choose to suffer." ~ Chuck Palahniuk, Choke

Simian Says: The End of the Road by four_legged_tripod 6-24-09

So you're sending me back to Earth with a horse face so I won't have sex to teach me a lesson. And just for extra measure, I'm taking away your penis. Now go! A snail? What the hell God? I thought we were talking about Sarah Jessica Parker! Editor's Note: Apologies to Sarah Jessica Parker. I would do you. From behind. In the dark. A note to all you loyal readers, thanks for following Monkey's journey. Hope you enjoyed it. Oh shut the hell up and say "The End" already!

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"Humiliation is humiliation only when you choose to suffer." ~ Chuck Palahniuk, Choke

I've been thinking about how I could revive my old monkey series.  Then God sent me Charlie Sheen.

Simian Says: Born Again by four_legged_tripod 3-02-11

So what's the deal? Have I paid my price? Can I stop being a snail and go back to my monkey form? Are you now letting me into heaven? Not a chance. I've decided that the life you led, the mistakes you made, and people you've hurt could serve as a reminder to others how not to live. So you're saying I'm a... Horrible warning. Not a good example. Now go change lives. MONKEY! Charlie Sheen. It's been too long bro.

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"Humiliation is humiliation only when you choose to suffer." ~ Chuck Palahniuk, Choke

Simian Says: It's A Wonderful Laugh by four_legged_tripod 3-02-11

So God sent you here to show me there error of my ways? Kinda Charlie. Really, he wants you to learn from my bad behavior. I'll be showing you what the world would be like if you didn't act the way you're currently acting. Are we going to be gone long? Cuz if so, I'd like to do a quick line out of that stripper's ass just to hold me over. A man after my own heart.

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"Humiliation is humiliation only when you choose to suffer." ~ Chuck Palahniuk, Choke

Amazing how much art imitates life.

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It was such a waste of everyone’s time and money that even the Tokyo stadium’s rape robots apologized– something they were programmed specifically never to do.

Simian Says: Blows My Mind by four_legged_tripod 3-02-11

I can't believe the world would be this much brighter if I had never gone off the deep end with drugs and ass. You had a much bigger impact on others than you realized. If you tell me that this nice man over there, the one politely helping the Jewish female cop change her tire, is Mel Gibson, I'm gonna shoot myself in the head. uh... .44 or .22?

Simian Says: Topsy Turvy by four_legged_tripod 3-03-11

So in this bass-ackwards world where I am sober all of the time, people's lives are better? Lindsay Lohan and Winona Ryder actually give stuff to others instead of taking it from stores and Kirstie Alley does not have a problem with Ding Dongs? Yep. And there is one guy in particular who is extremely grateful for this. This is Mr. Snugglesworth. Thanks to your not doing drugs and whores, he never had to see the inside of Richard Gere's ass. I know you not, sir, but I will name my children after you for the suffering you have avoided me.

Simian Says: Unemployment Line by four_legged_tripod 3-03-11

To be honest, I find it all bullshit that everyone's lives would be better if I had never partied like I do. Well, technically not everyone is better off. What do you mean? There is a place I need to show you. "These are all of the out of work transgendered hookers that Eddie Murphy and Hugh Grant never picked up."

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"Humiliation is humiliation only when you choose to suffer." ~ Chuck Palahniuk, Choke

Simian Says: One of These Things is Not Like the Other by four_legged_tripod 3-04-11

Okay, so because of not being stoned, I made better choices by not doing Hot Shots, Hot Shots Part Deux, and Major League? That's right. And Christopher Nolan offered me the part of Batman in his movies? What else if different? Gary Coleman is still alive. So? Well, let's just say that the premise of Two and a Half Men is not like what you remembered it to be.

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"Humiliation is humiliation only when you choose to suffer." ~ Chuck Palahniuk, Choke

Simian Says: Nice Try by four_legged_tripod 3-07-11

Monkey, I'm done! I've seen enough. Get me out of here. Oh thank goodness. I'm so ready to move on. So, are you ready to turn your life around so God will stop hunting me down and let me live my life again? Fuck no! I'm god around here! My brain kills cancer. Here, just watch what my Adonis DNA can do. "Every time a bell rings, Monkey's dick begins to sing." *ding* ♫ A little less conversation, a little more action please All this aggravation aint satisfactioning me ♫ Look out karaoke night!

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"Humiliation is humiliation only when you choose to suffer." ~ Chuck Palahniuk, Choke

Simian Says: Off the Wagon by four_legged_tripod 3-08-11

Well, thank you Mr. Warlock for the singing penis, but I really need to start living the straight and narrow from now on or God's gonna have my ass. Look, Monkey, you're in my world now. These fire-breathing fists can get you anything you like. Alcohol, blow, strippers, you name it. Thanks for the offer, but really, no. I mean it would take a room full of barely teenage girls to make me fall back in my old ways. Down the hall, third room on the right. *ding* ♫ Thank heaven for little girls they grow up in the most delightful way! Those little eyes so helpless and appealing one day will flash and send you crashin' thru the ceilin'. ♫ Well, it's good to know that both my heads are thinking the same way!

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"Humiliation is humiliation only when you choose to suffer." ~ Chuck Palahniuk, Choke

Simian Says: Duped by four_legged_tripod 3-09-11

The Malibu Messiah has his own room full of teenage girls. The man knows how to party. A monkey! How cute. Come here little monkey. Hey baby, we monkeys are cute because we don't wear clothes. How 'bout you get cuter yourself? Oh. Dear. God. What? You were expecting Abigail Breslin maybe?

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"Humiliation is humiliation only when you choose to suffer." ~ Chuck Palahniuk, Choke

Simian Says: Busted by four_legged_tripod 3-09-11

Well, what do you have to say for yourself? First off, I didn't do anything and secondly you were posing as a little girl so I was technically hitting on you. So you're saying that you were doing absolutely nothing to entice little girls into having sex with you. Absolutely nothing. *ding* ♫ I take you to the candy shop. I'll let you lick the lollipop. Go 'head girl, don't you stop. Keep goin' 'til you hit the spot. ♫ NOT NOW PENIS!

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"Humiliation is humiliation only when you choose to suffer." ~ Chuck Palahniuk, Choke

Simian Says: Imagine That by four_legged_tripod 3-09-11

I didn't think this would be easy for you. There are a lot of temptations out there and Charlie Sheen does have many powers. But a singing penis? I know, but just imagine what I could do with this thing! Oh Jennifer Anniston, I'm so glad you asked me to be more than "Friends." Oh Monkey, I just couldn't pass up the opportunity to be with you and your singing penis. Let me get the lights. *ding* ♫ I'll make love to you like you want me to. And I'll hold you tight baby all through the night ♫ ♫ muph mif moff muu mo umm mee muf mmm mmm ♫

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"Humiliation is humiliation only when you choose to suffer." ~ Chuck Palahniuk, Choke

Simian Says: Neutered by four_legged_tripod 3-09-11

This whole singing penis thing is going to get you in trouble, so I'm going to do you a favor and take it off riiiiiiiiiight NOW! No! Not my singing penis. It can't be gone! Quick, someone ring a bell! *ding* ♫ Play that funky music white boy. Play that funky music right. Play that funky music white boy. Lay down the boogie and play that funky music till you die till you die. ♫ See? I told you that my singing penis has prevailed! To be honest, that was just me practicing my ventriloquisim.

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"Humiliation is humiliation only when you choose to suffer." ~ Chuck Palahniuk, Choke

Simian Says: Now What? by four_legged_tripod 3-10-11

Why did you take away my penis?! I only took away the singing part of it. So what does this mean? Am I done? Are you going to turn me back into a slug or maybe something even more disgusting like Roseanne? I really didn't expect you to turn Charlie Sheen around. I was looking for effort. So I have no intentions of punishing you... Great! Thanks! Bye! ...for that. Wait! You missed the part where I'm planning to run your testicles through a grape press if you go back to your old ways!

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"Humiliation is humiliation only when you choose to suffer." ~ Chuck Palahniuk, Choke

Simian Says: On the Run by four_legged_tripod 3-11-11

I can't believe I'm trying to outrun God after I decided to stop helping a crazy drug addicted man. And to add to it, I'm desperately trying to suppress my urges to have sex with children. Holy shit! I've become a Republican Congressman!

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"Humiliation is humiliation only when you choose to suffer." ~ Chuck Palahniuk, Choke

Simian Says: What a Pussy by four_legged_tripod 3-15-11

Gotta keep moving. Gotta stay one step ahead of God. Need to find a place where there are just a bunch of animals away from large cities. This farm looks promising. Wonder in the farmer here would be dumb enough to hide me for a while. Well now ain't you the ugliest little farm cat I ever did see? Meow?

Simian Say: Fuck Bob Barker by four_legged_tripod 3-15-11

We'll fix you up with a little bed back here behind the barn, kitty. *purr* We'll bring you milk and some tuna later, but first we need to make Bob Barker happy and get rid of your little kitty balls. Rawr? Was that my cue pa?

Simian Says: Hold the Nuts by four_legged_tripod 3-16-11

Here we go kitty. Time to take off your nads. Listen, Jethro, I'm not a farm cat, I'm a monkey. So we're not removing your little kitty balls? Not on your life you backwards hillbilly freak. So we're making a banana split instead! Oh shit. Shoulda laid off the hillbilly reference.

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"Humiliation is humiliation only when you choose to suffer." ~ Chuck Palahniuk, Choke

Simian Say: Animal Farm by four_legged_tripod 3-17-11

Get gack here ya little monkey and let me finish off yer balls! Wow! That farm cat sure can climb like a monkey. That's cuz he is a monkey pa! Well I'll be a monkey's uncle. Now that's a horse of a different color! That fucking farmer better start getting his animal analogies straight! As long as he keeps mistaking the pig for me, then me and my asshole will be just fine.