[i]Dear Beloved Lillian.
What a mighty God we saver,i am full of joy in the Lord that you
have receive and reply the mail from the laywer to show the
seriousness in the project.Beloveth the name you said you saw could
be a mistake because the lawyer ias not a baby law he is a san which
stand as queens cousels in london and he is about 56yrs of age.so he
is a trust minded person and has fear of God so you are advise to
comply with him.Beloveth please let us keep our faith in God for i
know that there is noting in God's hand that dose not work out.Please
as soon as you receive the agreement from the lawyer study it fine
and quikly sign and return back so that we can comence on how the
fund can move the the destinated account.Regards to my blood group is
(As) and i was born in 1955 in the month of june 16th.Please yours
too is very inportant to me in your next mail while you wait for the
agreement from the lawyer.
Remain Bless.
Brother Solomon Madu.
[/i]

[b]My Soulfriend Solomon,

Let us rejoice in the blood of the Lord, for he is ever so good to us! For it is written in Ezekiel 39:18, "You will eat the flesh of mighty men and drink the blood of the princes of the earth as if they were rams and lambs, goats and bulls-all of them fattened animals from Bashan." In this way we keep and strengthen our faith, beloved brother!

I am looking forward to getting the agreement from your lawyer. It makes me feel so safe to know that he fears God as we do. I will make haste to sign and return it, and may blessings be upon us all.

Thank you so much for sending me your blood and birth information. It makes me thank God Almighty that you show such trust in me. My blood type is A+ and my birth date is February 26th, 1926. I have made up a quick hemotological chart for us, and I find our blood rhythms to be surprisingly synchronous -- almost as if we were of the same blood. This is a great and powerful sign! Only the best can come of this. We walk together in the blood of the Lord, and we shall surely triumph. I hope I am not too forward when I say that had I met a man with a chart like yours when I was younger, I should never have become a nun.

Your friend in Christ,

Sister Lillian
[/b]

---
...Trot and Cap'n Bill were free from anxiety and care. Button-Bright never worried about anything. The Scarecrow, not being able to sleep, looked out of the window and tried to count the stars.

Ha!!! I think Sister Lillian Gans does naughty things with the cross and then flogs herself afterwards.

---
The giant three-phallused phallus of Uzbekistan will one day squirt the cosmic jizz of revenge all over Canada.

[b]Honorable Barrister Franz Onuora,

My dear friend Solomon Madu seems concerned that I have not yet received a contract from you to sign. I know that you are a very busy and important person, but I thought that I should send my contct information to you again in case you did not receive it. No doubt Satan himself is scrambling the bits and bytes between us to prevent us from completing this holy venture. I am:

Sister Lillian Gans
Our Lady of Hoboken Convent
72 Strobel Road
Trumbull, CT 06611
fax: 203-749-5699
e-mail: lilliangans@mail.com
telegraph: US-CT-TRM-06611.GANSL

May we share in the blood of the Lord,

Sister Lillian
[/b]

---
...Trot and Cap'n Bill were free from anxiety and care. Button-Bright never worried about anything. The Scarecrow, not being able to sleep, looked out of the window and tried to count the stars.

[i]My Beloveth Lillian.
Thanks a million for your good words of hope in your recent mail,
and i pray that our God Almighty will strengten us together to
accomblish this project by his grace.I spoke with the lawyer today
before this my mail and he promise that he is working for the
agreementand that he will send it to you today or fisrt thing
tommorrow.he alsop advise me that an agreement is not what one could
rush to write which i reason to him and alouwed him to do his job as
a lawyer.Once again my beloved sister Lillian may the good God sse us
through in Jesus Name Amen.I so much praise you for the grace it took
you to become a nun for i know that with God all things are possible.
Remain Bless till i hear from you,i wish i can see you face to face
while because your mail of today touches me for being in the same
group of blood with you i know it is asign of God mercy that brings
us together.i love you with all my heart.
Remain Bless.
Brother Solomon Madu.
[/i]

[b]My Beloved Solomon,

How I wish I could meet you face to face as well! I hope we may someday mingle our blood together in the eyes of the Lord. As you say, all things are possible with God so perhaps we will meet. What a blessed joy that would be! As it is written in Ezekiel 37:6 "I will attach tendons to you and make flesh come upon you and cover you with skin; I will put breath in you, and you will come to life. Then you will know that I am the Lord." To touch your skin and breathe your breath and know that you are real. I feel such a connection to you that God Almighty must surely be granting us great blessings.

At sunset we sacrified a goat to the Lord on the altar. It was a grand pyre! When we slaughtered the beast, we passed around a cup of it's blood, and I prayed a secret prayer that your work and mine will be true to the Lord. God hears even our secret prayers, so I have faith that my prayer will be answered. My heart weeps with love for you, dear, dear Solomon.

Be Blessed my soulfriend,

Sister Lillian
[/b]

---
...Trot and Cap'n Bill were free from anxiety and care. Button-Bright never worried about anything. The Scarecrow, not being able to sleep, looked out of the window and tried to count the stars.

Ha!!!!!!! I'm probably supposed to be horrified by Lillan's actions, but I'm laughing my ass off.

---
The giant three-phallused phallus of Uzbekistan will one day squirt the cosmic jizz of revenge all over Canada.

You're like my one-man fan club Mikey.

---
...Trot and Cap'n Bill were free from anxiety and care. Button-Bright never worried about anything. The Scarecrow, not being able to sleep, looked out of the window and tried to count the stars.

:(

Well, at least you've got one!

---
The giant three-phallused phallus of Uzbekistan will one day squirt the cosmic jizz of revenge all over Canada.

A bit of paydirt here. I've recieved the "agreement." Note some of the more amusing mispellings, especially "Our Lady of Hobroken." Are they on to me, or just bad typists?

[i]
ATTN.
Please see the attached agreement read and sign also send back to my chamber.
[/i]

[b]Dearest Barrister Onoura,

I have attached the signed agreement. I'm not very good with computers, but Sister Mary-Kate helped me to print it and Sister Ashley helped me scan it in. I have pledged them to secrecy and we sacrificed a titmouse to seal it.

May blessings of blood rain upon you,

Sister Lillian
[/b]

---
...Trot and Cap'n Bill were free from anxiety and care. Button-Bright never worried about anything. The Scarecrow, not being able to sleep, looked out of the window and tried to count the stars.

Received before I could send off the signed agreement...

[i]Attention Sister Lillian Gans.

This is to inform you that already I have sent the agreement for you to read and sign, I am very sorry for the delay this is because of my several engagements. With hope you will understand all that was written in the agreements, once you complete and sign the agreement I will then issue you a power of attorney which will authorise you as the new beneficiary of the said fund. However you have to send to me your banks details which I will then forward to the deposited bank for unward transfering of the fund into your desinated bank account. I wait for your response and action.

Best Regards.

Barrister Franz Onuora.

[/i]

[b]
Dearest Barrister Onoura,

Blessings upon you. I have signed the agreement and returned it to you as promised. Thus Solomon and I have sealed our covenant.

You wanted my bank account information. My bank is TOBOR REGIONAL BANK and my account number is 7337 SP43K SCROE 1701.

I do have a question for you. The FDIC only insures my account for up to $150,000. I am concerned if something were to happen to the bank while the funds are there. Is there some kind of supplemental insurance you would recommend?

Jesus be with you,

Sister Lillian
[/b]

---
...Trot and Cap'n Bill were free from anxiety and care. Button-Bright never worried about anything. The Scarecrow, not being able to sleep, looked out of the window and tried to count the stars.

ALSO received before I could send off the signed agreement...

[i]Dear Beloved Lillian Gans
Thanks for your lovely mail of today, and i am assuring you that
with the disscusion i hard with my lawyer i strongly beleive he will
send the agreement to you today.All i need from you is to comply with
my lawyer so that this project could be accomplished as soon as
possible.However i hope for yor urgent and lovely mail as i wish
could meet you face to face so that we mingle our blood together in
the eyes of God.Beloveth please alway remember me in your morning
prayer because prayer is the key of succese.May the good God see us
through in this project.Please try to update me as soon as you
receive the agreement.
Remain Bless.
Brother Solomon Madu.
[/i]

[b]
Beloved Solomon,

Great blessings are upon us! I have received the agreement, signed and returned it to Barrister Onoura. He also asked me for my bank account information so he could transfer the funds into it. This is so exciting!

Have you thought about which charities the funds should be used for? I feel that you should have a say. Of course I feel that I would like some of it to go to support the Convent. With so much evil in the world, we have had to sacrifice many animals of late to appease the Lord, and we are beginning to run out. Our neighbors lend us what they can (the occasional stray cat or dog, the unwanted rabbit) but I should like to start raising and breeding a sacrificial stock of our own. Would that be considered selfish?

I remember you in both my morning and evening prayers. Sometimes I will drop to my knees in the middle of the day and say a prayer for you -- the other Sisters must think me quite mad. I think about you all the time, frankly. You make me feel like a little girl -- I don't know why! I should feel ashamed of these stirrings in my loins, but I do not. You are a good and blessed man and if that is so then it must me right with God Almighty. Before I lay me down to sleep I will bleed a dove in your honor.

Keep me in your dreams,

Sister Lil
[/b]

---
...Trot and Cap'n Bill were free from anxiety and care. Button-Bright never worried about anything. The Scarecrow, not being able to sleep, looked out of the window and tried to count the stars.

[i]Dear Belove Lillian.
Thanks a million for your good and understanding mail,i also happy
to hear that you have received the agreement signed and returned back
to the lawyer,may the good God strengthen you in this project.I
equally agree that you should use part of the fund to support the
convent as it is on God's Kingdom.Please dear Lillian as i always
said, you try all your best to make sure that you comply with the
lawyer for the success of this project. My best regard to your fellow
sisther in the Lord.As i wait for your response.
Remain Bless.
Brother Solomon Madu.[/i]

[b]
Good Morning, Solomon!

I trust in God that you are well today. I am eager to hear from the lawyer when the funds will be deposited so that we can begin the Lord's work. I am already thinking about the kind of livestock we will need for sacrifice: Goats, bulls, aplacas and a variety of flightless waterfowl come to mind.

I went to Terraserver and got a aerial photo of the convent so you can see where I live (we are the large house across from the school). As you can see, we will have to clear out some land for and pasture, but it will all be worth it in the eyes of the Lord God Almighty!

http://terraserver.microsoft.com/addressimage.aspx?t=1&s=10&lon=-73.1925721278936&lat=41.2655566086762&alon=-73.19174707&alat=41.26531529&w=1&ref=A%7c72+Strobel+Rd%2c+Trumbull%2c+CT+06611

But now, dearest, the important things. I had a powerful and holy dream last night, and I know it must be a sign. There there appeared a great wonder in heaven. I was clothed with the sun, and the moon under my feet, and upon my head a crown of twelve stars. Being with child I cried, travailing in birth, and pained to be delivered. And there appeared another wonder in heaven: a great red dragon, having seven heads and ten horns, and seven crowns upon his heads. His tail drew the third part of the stars of heaven, and did cast them to the earth: and the dragon stood before me, for to devour my child as soon as it was born.

Solomon, what could this mean? Am I, at my age, to bear a child? With God all things are possible, I know, but I have not known man in many, many years.

Stay blessed by the blood of our Lord,

Sister Lil
[/b]

---
...Trot and Cap'n Bill were free from anxiety and care. Button-Bright never worried about anything. The Scarecrow, not being able to sleep, looked out of the window and tried to count the stars.

I have been neglecting to include the subjects of the e-mails Solomon sends to Lillian. I find them to be amusing, so I thought I'd share them.

---
...Trot and Cap'n Bill were free from anxiety and care. Button-Bright never worried about anything. The Scarecrow, not being able to sleep, looked out of the window and tried to count the stars.

fuzzy, this web of intigue gets sicker and sicker every time I come to this thread. I love it!

---
The giant three-phallused phallus of Uzbekistan will one day squirt the cosmic jizz of revenge all over Canada.

Hmmm, no mail from Solomon or his lawyer today, but maybe they are taking Sunday off.

---
...Trot and Cap'n Bill were free from anxiety and care. Button-Bright never worried about anything. The Scarecrow, not being able to sleep, looked out of the window and tried to count the stars.

quote:

---

Solomon, what could this mean? Am I, at my age, to bear a child? With God all things are possible, I know, but I have not known man in many, many years.

Stay blessed by the blood of our Lord,

Sister Lil
[/b]

---

He. I'm wondering if they'll figure out where I got that dream from, too. My guess is... no.

---
...Trot and Cap'n Bill were free from anxiety and care. Button-Bright never worried about anything. The Scarecrow, not being able to sleep, looked out of the window and tried to count the stars.

I'm not normally so well-read on Biblical matters, but how could I not have read Revelation? It's got all that destruction and violence in it. A death metal band could turn the whole thing into lyrics for a song and it would totally work.

Actually, I had to read it for school once and compare it to Mann's "Doctor Faustus." Why yes, we *were* summoning the Devil, why do you ask?

Why am I not surprised?

---
...Trot and Cap'n Bill were free from anxiety and care. Button-Bright never worried about anything. The Scarecrow, not being able to sleep, looked out of the window and tried to count the stars.

[i]
From: "solomon madu"
To: "Lillian Gans"

Subject: HE IS THE GOD OF IMPOSSIBILITY.
Date: Mon, 21 Jun 2004 16:56:21 +0800
Dear Beloved Sister Lillian.
Thanks for your mail and your lovely dreams. However I have mate the
lawyer during the weekend and He promised to get in tourch with you,
already according to him, he also promised to msecure all the
necessary documents which will help to effects the immediate transfer
of the said fund to your bank account. Therefore do expects from him.
In your dream what I really understand on the first phase of your
story was a visitation of God in this our projects.Because I know
that there is nothing too hard for God to do. In the second phase of
your story was that the enemy has never be asleep, so he will use any
davinces to distroy God's plan but because we are overcomer as we
will engage our self in praying and fasting so as to defeat and
dislodge the plans of the wicked ones(devil). Beloveth be prayerful
and wait for the lawyer's information.
Remain Bless.
Brother Solomon Madu.
[/i]

Fun with typos.

[b]Darling Solomon,

I am so relieved! Sometimes I take my dreams so literally! Of course the child in my dream was our project! It all makes sense now.

Dearest, I am concerned about you mating with your lawyer. Is this a custom in in Lagos in order to seal legal agreements? Did you wear protection, I hope? I know this a holy matter, but I would not depend on the spiritual condom of the Lord to protect you from disease.

Will Mr. Onoura and I have to mate as well? Or perhaps you and I? If it is necessary to move this blessed project forward, then I am sure it will be acceptable to God Almighty. However, I would not break my vow of chastity without good reason and adequate lubrication.

Still, I am not sure what to think about your homosexual act with the Barrister. The church teaches us these days to be "diverse" and "multicultural," I know. But it also written in Leviticus 18:22 "Thou shalt not lie with mankind, as with womankind: it is abomination."

To be on the safe side, I think that you should find the nearest priest, confess this sin, and atone for it however he say. We must keep ourselves holy so that God will not curse this project. The Book of Punishment prescribes for homosexual acts something not less than recitation of 100 Our Fathers and not more than a scourging.

Dearest, I will sacrifice a rabbit today to appease the Holy Spirit, but you must atone in your heart. Please tell me it is so. In the meantime, I look forward to hearing from the Barrister and I will do as he says, even if it involves mating with him.

Stay blessed by the blood of our Lord,

Sister Lil
[/b]

---
...Trot and Cap'n Bill were free from anxiety and care. Button-Bright never worried about anything. The Scarecrow, not being able to sleep, looked out of the window and tried to count the stars.

[i]From: Franz Onuora
To: Lillian Gans
CC:
Subject: SEE THE ATTACHED DOCUMENTS
Date: Mon, 21 Jun 2004 04:41:50 -0700 (PDT)
ATTN.
See the attached documents and act fast.
[/i]

[b]Dearest Barrister Onuora,

I am working on pulling together the necessary funds. It may take a few days. I hope to be able to send it to you before I leave for the 3-day Nun Convention in New York on Friday.

Yours by the blood of our Lord,

Sister Lillian Gans
[/b]

My plan is to go ahead and wire them some money... but I'llmove that decimal point 3 or 4 spots to the left. Hilarity may ensue.

---
...Trot and Cap'n Bill were free from anxiety and care. Button-Bright never worried about anything. The Scarecrow, not being able to sleep, looked out of the window and tried to count the stars.

[i]From: "solomon madu"
To: "Lillian Gans"
CC:
Subject: IT IS WELL.
Date: Tue, 22 Jun 2004 00:56:46 +0800
Dear Beloved Lillian.
Thanks for your mail,but my dear i can not exactly understand what
you mean with your perable.Please let me know the possition of things
if the lawyuer has gotten intouch with you, and what did he said
because your mail to me this afternoon dose not sound clearly with me
and i am very eager to know if the lawyer has send to you the power
of attorney which he said he will obtain today from the high court of
the land.I am wait for your good and posective mail.
Remain Bless.
Brother Solomon Madu.
--
[/i]

[b]I am confused as well. You wrote, "I have mate the lawyer during the weekend." I take this to mean that you had sex with the lawyer during the weekend. Since you are both men, that would be homosexual sex, which the Lord says is an abomination. Have I misunderstood you in some way? If you are not homosexual, that would be a great relief to me.

The instructions and power of attorney arrived from the Barrister and it all seems to be in order. I am not allowed to access my bank account without the permission of the Mother Superior, and I fear she will disapprove. However, I know that Sister Bertrille keeps a large sum of cash in her mattress, and I plan to borrow some from her while is in vespers.

This may take me a few days, but I hope to send the Barrister the money before I leave for a 3-day Nun Convention in New York on Friday. In the meantime, you will be in my thoughts and dreams.

May you bathe in the blood of our Lord,

Sister Lil
[/b]

---
...Trot and Cap'n Bill were free from anxiety and care. Button-Bright never worried about anything. The Scarecrow, not being able to sleep, looked out of the window and tried to count the stars.

[i]From: Franz Onuora
To: Lillian Gans
CC:
Subject: THANKS FOR YOUR MAIL.
Date: Tue, 22 Jun 2004 01:52:49 -0700 (PDT)
Atten. Sister Lillian Gans.

Thanks for your mail with hope you received my mail completly. Please Sister Lillian I have a very limited time to complete this transfer therefore I am of the option that you try your possible best to make sure that you made this payment so as to meet up with the court stipulated time for the fileing in of the documents. Please bear with me on this regards, with hope you understand what I mean. I wait for your urgent action.

Best Regards.

Franz Onuora.
[/i]

[b]
Honorable Barrister,

I will do my best by the Lord to get the payment to you quickly so that Solomon and I may pursue this blessed venture. The Church controls my bank account very tightly. Although I recieve a sizable paycheck from the Convent, my access to my savings must be approved by my Mother Superior. In my fifty years in the Order I have felt this to be unfair, and I have complained to several Popes no no avail. I did get a nice note from Pope John XXIII in 1962 inviting me to join him for spaghetti next time I was in Rome, but they didn't allow us out of the Convent much in those days, and he died shortly thereafter.

Ah, please forgive the ramblings of an old, if God-fearing woman. Still, all I say is the will of the Lord Almighty, for it is written in Numbers 22:38 "And Balaam said unto Balak, 'Lo, I have come unto thee. Have I now any power at all to say anything? The word that God putteth in my mouth, that shall I speak.'"

I assure you that I have the means to procure this funding for you. I know there is money here in the Convent I can aquire. It will take a little time, but it will be worth it in the end. Before morning vespers we sacrificed a small rabid weasel. I pointed it's little head toward the southeast (toward Africa) as an extra blessing upon our work with Solomon.

May blessings of blood rain upon us in torrents!

Your humble servant,

Sister Lillian
[/b]

---
...Trot and Cap'n Bill were free from anxiety and care. Button-Bright never worried about anything. The Scarecrow, not being able to sleep, looked out of the window and tried to count the stars.

[i]
From: "solomon madu"
To: "Lillian Gans"
CC:
Subject: IT IS GOOD TO SERVE THE LORD.
Date: Tue, 22 Jun 2004 17:45:18 +0800
Dear Beloved Sister.
Thanks for your efforts so far, and I am very greatful. On your
recent complain about homesexual, My dear sister I belive vividly
that you are not in any way reffering such act for me , because I am
a happy married family man with four children and up till date I have
being in the body of christ Jesus. My dear I can not at this my age
go contary to the command of our Lord. Please My beloved Sister try
as much as you can to keep to your words so that we can be able to
accomplish this God's projects within a short time.
Remain Bless.
Brother Solomon Madu
[/i]

[b]
My Prodigious Solomon,

I am glad to hear that you did not commit a heinous act of homosexuality. It must have all been a misunderstanding. Goodness knows that just the image in my mind of you and the Barrister doing terrible things disturbed me greatly. As I always sing to the children when I visit the school,

"Some holes are meant for things to go in!
Some holes are meant for things to go out!
Don't put things in your out holes!
Or God will scream and shout!"

I hope that you have tought your children the same lesson. It is a blessing that you are such a good and Christian man. I do wish you had told me earlier that you were married, as I had entertained shameful thoughts about you. I must flail myself after lunch to atone.

Meanwhile, I am very close to getting the necessary money to the lawyer. Please be patient. I trust no one but Sister Mary-Kate and Sitster Ashley, but I dare not tell even them about the money in Sister Bertrille's mattress.

Please be blessed by the Lord's blood,

Sister Lillian
[/b]

---
...Trot and Cap'n Bill were free from anxiety and care. Button-Bright never worried about anything. The Scarecrow, not being able to sleep, looked out of the window and tried to count the stars.

awww Jeez. Sister Mary Kate and Sister Ashley? HA HA HA HA HA!!!

On a more serious note, is there any way to forward these emails to the FBI or something? These guys are fucking evil.

Anyway, here's my request:

Next e-mail, do you think you can have her mention rubbing the agreement against her withered genitals? That might be pushing it, but you had to doubly explain calling him a peter-pumper, so perhaps it might slip by.

---
The giant three-phallused phallus of Uzbekistan will one day squirt the cosmic jizz of revenge all over Canada.

I think that might be pushing it. I'm trying to keep it sort of clean, as this will be going on my web site and/or in a book. That is also why I have (mostly) refrained from SC in-jokes on this one as well.

---
...Trot and Cap'n Bill were free from anxiety and care. Button-Bright never worried about anything. The Scarecrow, not being able to sleep, looked out of the window and tried to count the stars.