250 million people and he's picked to run Homeland Security by CHUBBY 12-03-04

Meet Bernard Kerik. He started his career in Saudi Arabia, and became NYC Police Commissioner, rising to prominence on 9/11. He is Dubya's pick to head Homeland Security. His wife-- Halah. Hi Dear. How was work today? Maybe Dubya, like Michael Corleone, figures, "Keep your friends close, but your enemies closer."

Sleeping with the enemy by CHUBBY 12-05-04

On December 3, I made a cartoon "250 million people and he's picked to run Homeland Security" (http://www.stripcreator.com/comics/CHUBBY/260004). I know you did. It seemed to imply that Halah, the wife of Secretary-Designate Bernard Kerik, is Saudi. I have since learned that the name "Halah" actually comes from Ancient Mesopotamia/Assyria (now Iraq). See? Halah Kerik is actually SYRIAN. I apologize for any confusion this may have caused. Well, you better-- HEY! WAIT A MINUTE! (*Makes high-pitched noise with her tongue.)

Make Love, Not War by CHUBBY 12-05-04

Homeland Security Secretary-Designate Bernard Kerik's oldest daughter is half-Korean. Me so horny, me love you long time...... His second wife, Halah, is Syrian. Kerik just returned from Iraq. (*Makes high-pitched noise with her tongue.) We know he likes to fraternize with natives and that he likes Arabic women. What are the ramifications of this? As soon as I bang an Iranian chick, I'll have done the whole Axis of Evil!

The man who would be emperor by CHUBBY 12-11-04

Bernie Kerik hears a cry for help, ..... Help! ..... ducks into a nearby phonebooth-- This looks like a job for-- ..... oops. Mommy, look! That man has no clothes on!

Bernie Kerik Unplugged by CHUBBY 12-11-04

"Bernie Kerik withdrew as nominee for Secretary of Homeland Security. And for what? Not for the fact that his wife is from the "Axis of Evil". Not for his Gestapo tactics at a Saudi hospital. Not even because this son of a prostitute banged a Korean and fathered a child. No, tell 'em why, Bernie. I hired an illegal alien as my kids' nanny and didn't pay her taxes. Yeah, big whoop. Like you've never done it. "Of course I have, Bernie old boy, but we're talking about you. In the first place, one of the jobs of DHS is immigration and you hire illegal aliens in your own home. Secondly, homeland security and war with Iraq costs hundreds of billions of dollars and you're evading your taxes. Thirdly, you're a law enforcement officer and you're breaking the law. Fourthly, two months after the towers fell, you jumped aboard the 9/11 gravy train as it was pulling out of the station and went to work for Giuliani Associates-- "Giuliani, of course, being another scumbag who's turned this tragedy into a license to print money. Finally, you've made millions, and yet you entrust the care of your children-- ..... presumably more important to you than anything else in the world-- to some non-English speaking wetback to whom you don't even pay minimum wage, let alone enough to live on. Then you lie about it, even to Dubya's people. And yet you're the jackwad who was going to be in charge of security for the whole country? Jesus.

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"We're fighting for this woman's honor, which is probably more than she ever did." Groucho Marx

Getting Kerik's Goat by CHUBBY 12-14-04

Hello, Bernie! Shoo! Go away! Stop following me! Aren't you Dubya's goat? Nope. I'm all yours. Isn't it ironic that of all the skeletons in your closet, the thing that does you in is not paying taxes for your housekeeper? Who are you? Nannygate.

Nannygate 2: Electric Boogaloo by CHUBBY 12-15-04

1993. Boy those were the days. First there was Zoe Baird. Then there was Kimba Wood. But then came Janet Reno, and I knew she had no nanny issues.

Revenge of Nannygate by CHUBBY 12-15-04

Like most Americans, I was out of work the last four years. Even the Dubya administration was smart enough to name nominees without nanny issues. Then you came along. Look, what's it going to take for you to leave me alone? Can you fix me up with Judith Regan? I'd hit that.

Nannygate Family Values by CHUBBY 12-18-04

We rejoin Bernie Kerik and Nannygate, already in progress. So you had a Syrian wife; a mistress, Judith Regan, your publisher; AND a girlfriend from your days at the Corrections department? What'd you, watch too many Jack Lemmon movies? Still, Judith was like one of the family, I guess. Remember when your sister had to go to the hospital? While I'm in the hospital, you're going to stay with one of Uncle Bernie's whores. Why does Uncle Bernie have three aunts? All my other uncles only have one.

Nannygate: A Goat in the City by CHUBBY 12-18-04

So, if you're scoring along at home, and I wish I was, you had a wife, a mistress, and a girlfriend. Where did you conduct your affairs? Oh, I remember..... Ground Zero, September 12, 2001. Commish, youse are doin' a great job down here. I want to give youse the keys to an apartment that the rescue workers can use. Thanks. And here's your gun permit.

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"We're fighting for this woman's honor, which is probably more than she ever did." Groucho Marx

Beneath the Planet of Nannygate by CHUBBY 12-18-04

I took out a lease on that apartment! Eventually. A neat trick, by the way. How did you afford that on a commissioner's salary? But you were never shy on taking gifts. Your big wedding, for example. You were just shy on reporting them. Uh-- Where'd that money come from? Your mobbed-up best man and brother? By the way, was the mob part of your Homeland Security strategy? Strategy? Nice country youse got here. It'd be a shame if anything happened to it, you know what I'm sayin'?

Nannygate Meets Godzilla by CHUBBY 12-18-04

But all good things come to an end. One day, your girlfriend, Officer Judith Pinero from Corrections, found out about your mistress, Judith Regan. How? Hey, that background! That music! Must be a flashback! Flashback. Bernie? Hello? Oh, here's a note. "Darling-- I love you. I can't wait to see you again." Aww. "Love, Judith". Judith? Oh, maybe that's what he calls himself when he wears my panties.

Seed of Nannygate by CHUBBY 12-18-04

You and Judith Regan had quite a tempestuous affair. Uh oh, here we go again! The beginning. My wife doesn't understand me. Can I suck your dick? The end. My wife's preggo. Can I bite your dick off?

Nannygate Meets the Keystone Kops by CHUBBY 12-18-04

I never let my affairs interfere with my job. Didn't you stalk Judith Regan after she left you? And there was that time during the affair..... Faux News Studios..... POLICE! FREEZE, MOTHER****ER! JUDITH REGAN'S CELLPHONE IS MISSING! NOBODY LEAVES TILL WE GET IT BACK!

Nannygate: The Two Towers by CHUBBY 12-18-04

You never let your affairs interfere? What about the $250K settlement the city made with one of Jeanette Pinero's supervisors because you harrassed him when he disciplined her? And the other suit still pending. But let's go back to better days, shall we? Back in the day when you and Judith were new. You were writing your book for her publishing company..... September 11, 2001. "..... a NYC Police Commissioner is on the job 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year....." Uh, sir? One of the towers fell. A couple hundred cops are dead. When you get a sec.

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"We're fighting for this woman's honor, which is probably more than she ever did." Groucho Marx

Bride of Nannygate by CHUBBY 12-18-04

Let's come back to your wife. I did, eventually. How did you meet her? Which one? I had three. Three? I only knew about two. Don't worry, your secret's safe with me.

Brides of Nannygate by CHUBBY 12-18-04

I was married to my first wife when I was in the army in North Carolina. I was just a kid, really. But you divorced her before you married your second wife, right? Bernie? I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may tend to incriminate me. Boy, lucky you weren't Secretary of Homeland Security or we wouldn't have a Fifth Amendment.

Nannygate Goes Bananas by CHUBBY 12-18-04

How did you meet your present wife, Halah, from Syria? You are still married, I take it? Yes, of course. She was my dental hygenist. That's convenient. What do you mean? She had a job where she could wear a mask.

Nannygate: The Early Years by CHUBBY 12-18-04

May I read to you from my book about Halah? Please. I have insomnia. This might cure it for good. "We despised each other. It was a running battle between us, me skipping appointments, her pointing out how inconsiderate I was." Sounds like a romantic comedy. "You've Got Pyorrhea". "She was a beautiful fair-skinned woman." That's what I like about you. You're not racist.

Nannygate: The Novelization by CHUBBY 12-18-04

You wrote this book on city time? With city funds? NO! Didn't you send two NYPD detectives to Ohio to find out about your mother? Yeah, but I paid a fine for that. You also gave one of the detectives a medal.

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"We're fighting for this woman's honor, which is probably more than she ever did." Groucho Marx

Nannygate: The Streets of LA by CHUBBY 12-18-04

Here's a delicious irony. Your predecessor as commissioner, Bill Bratton, has been mentioned to be the next Secretary of Homeland Security. So? He brought down the crime rate in Boston. He's brought it down in LA, where he's now commish. And he brought it down in NYC. He even got on the cover of TIME for that. So Giuliani rewarded him. 1996. You're fired.

Nannygate Meets Dracula by CHUBBY 12-18-04

You were always Giuliani's fair-haired boy, though. His Corrections Commissioner. His bodyguard. His Police Commissioner. Then you went to work for Giuliani Associates. And he vetted your nomination. What's your point? What's your relationship like today? Good. Today. Kerik? No, doesn't ring a bell.

Nannygate Revolutions by CHUBBY 12-18-04

Giuliani's been hit by some of the backsplash from your massacre. But back at the end of 2001, you were thick as thieves. So to speak. You quit the force three months after 9/11. I needed a change. Mayor Bloomberg was going to fire you. There was that, yeah. So you went to work-- in Iraq. It didn't bother you that you were making millions off the misfortunes of others? Nah. I have mob ties, remember?

Nannygate vs. Alien by CHUBBY 12-18-04

You went to work in occupied Iraq. As Interior Minister. Training the new Iraqi police force. That must have been exhausting, because after three months, you took a vacation. 2003. My work here is done. Carry on, men.

Nannygate Begins by CHUBBY 12-18-04

But that wasn't your first tour of the Middle East, was it? You worked security at the Saudi Royal family's hospital. Your co-workers have described you as a "goon" and an "enforcer". You finked on hospital employees who were drinking wine and fraternizing with the opposite sex. Especially if the girls were the ones your boss, the hospital director, wanted for himself. Don't you think it's a conflict of interest if the Secretary of Homeland Security is in the pocket of the royal family of Saudi Arabia, whence most of the hijackers came? No. So's Dubya.

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"We're fighting for this woman's honor, which is probably more than she ever did." Groucho Marx

Nannygate Forever by CHUBBY 12-18-04

Before Saudi Arabia, you were in South Korea. Yeah. So? It's always nice to bring back a little souvenir, isn't it? What do you mean? Sucky sucky! Fie dollar! Me so horny! Me love you long time!

Nannygate: Back to the Future by CHUBBY 12-18-04

"Imagine if you had been confirmed, Bernie. That would've been awkward, with your past....." We can't bomb Syria. My wife's got family there. How about North Korea? No. My kid's got family there. Iraq? I'll let you know when the DNA tests come back. Are you really against bombing Syria? It's just your in-laws.

Daughter of Nannygate by CHUBBY 12-18-04

Sucky sucky! Fie dollar! Cute kid. What's her name? Iokiyar. Me so horny. Me love you long time. That's a lovely name. Is it Korean? No, it's an acronym for "It's OK If You're A Republican".

Nannygate: The Never-Ending Story by CHUBBY 12-18-04

Oh, look, Judith Regan quotes. These oughta be good. Wanna hear 'em? No. "You know, look at Monica Lewinsky gaining this huge amount of weight. This is clearly a woman who has suffered and is suffering inside because she has no depth of feeling and no morality whatsoever." Is there a point here? Yeah. How does she talk with a dick in her mouth?

Nannygate: Lethal Weapon by CHUBBY 12-18-04

You know who you remind me of? Who? Michael Chiklis. Oh, yes, he shaves his head too, and he played "The Commish". I don't know anything about that, I just know him from "The Shield".