TAG TEAM TIME!

Joey the Schmuck by possums 2-16-05

Hey, Mister, can I have a dollar-thirty for bus fare? You can have half of that if you grease your dick with iodine, and you can get the other half by licking it off. What a schmuck!

Joey the Schmuck 2 by biped 2-16-05

Mommy, a schmuck at a bus stop just said the words "dick" and "lick" to me in the same sentence. Oh, my GOD!!! My sweet, innocent BABY!!! You SCHMUCK! You VIOLATED my -- oh my god, is that an ERECTION? I don't know. Why don't you suck it and find out?

Joey the Schmuck 3 by possums 2-16-05

You wanna know what your problem is, Joey? You're a real fuckin' schmuck, that's what. Says you! You're my fuckin' lawyer. Real respectable practice that is! Who're you to call me a schmuck? I'm one to call you a fuckin' two-bit piece o' shit asshole schmuck when some fatass lady comes to my door with a fuckin' lawsuit for child molestation! You're one to talk. Hey, just because I reamed the asshole of a five-year old kid with a pair of pliers don't mean that I'm a molester. Just a schmuck.

Joey the Schmuck 4 by biped 2-17-05

My house burned down last night. Aww -- whattaya know. My dog Fluffy burned up in the house. Oh, and my mom, too. Nah, I kidnapped your mom. She's chained up in my basement. Oh! Does (*sniff*) does that mean Fluffy's still alive, too? No, Fluffy burned up.

Joey the Schmuck 5 by possums 2-17-05

Uh, like, hey man. You got any marajuana? The last hit I took was from a big burly black woman named Horatio... and that was from her fist! That's cool, man. See ya. Take care, asshole. Later... AH DWEE DE HANNAH DE SCHMUCK, CHILE!! Hi, Horatio.

Joey the Schmuck 6 by biped 2-17-05

Oww...Daddy, I need a kidney... Tough. Get lost, ya little bastard. OH, OWW, OWWW, IT HURTS!!! I'M DYING -- PLEASE GIVE ME ONE OF YOUR KIDNEYS, DADDY!!! PLEEEEEEASE!!! I'll sell ya one. Ten thousand bucks. Cash. You'll SELL me one of your kidneys? Your own SON? What a SCHMUCK! I didn't say it was one of mine.

Joey the Schmuck 7 by possums 2-18-05

Ahh, if it isn't my old friend, the fuzz! Can your mouth, schmuck. I got some complaints here that you been sodomizing squirrels with letter openers. That's obscene! What kind of sick monster would do such a thing? No, even I wouldn't do that. Alright, you're off the hook... for now. My wectum still huwts. Shush.

Joey the Schmuck 8 by biped 2-18-05

When the hell are you gonna let me outta here, you schmuck? I don't know. I derive emotional sustenance from your plight. Huh? Everything you say sounds DIRTY, you fucking PERVERT! That's because you have a dirty mind. Now put the Carol Brady wig on again -- I'm feeling a bit amorous. So...what about me? Oh, you're free to leave, Fluffy.

Joey the Schmuck 9 by possums 2-18-05

o/ I'll rape your firstborn with a steel club / I'll give a handjob to a tiger cub o/ o/ HE'S A SCHMUCK! HE'S A SCHMUCK! o/ o/ I'll masturbate on your mother's bed / I'll shoot my load all over her head o/ o/ HE'S A SCHMUCK! HE'S A SCHMUCK! o/ o/ SCHMUUUUUCK!! o/ o/ SOLO o/

Joey the Schmuck 10 by biped 2-18-05

You suck. And how would you like to atone for that remark? Blow job, or buttocks made into new set of shoulders? Daddy! The bad man threatened me! Here comes my daddy, you big schmuck. Well, I was gonna shove you headfirst up somebody's ass. Might as well be his.

Joey the Schmuck 11 by possums 2-18-05

Yuck! What is this? Those are just the intestines of a cute little girl. I ripped them out through her nostrils, pureed them, ate 'em, digested 'em, then crapped 'em out right there. That's what I call disgusting! I call it goulash.

Joey the Schmuck 12 by biped 2-18-05

Joseph, I've noticed that your recent behavior has been somewhat less than exemplary. I know, Father O'Mallard. I'm lost and confused. Would you like to give me your confession, my son? Oh yes, Father, I would. Five minutes later... HOLY FUCKING SHIT-ON-A-STICK!!! YOU FUCKING SCHMUCK BASTARD!!! Hail Mary, full of grace...

Joey the Schmuck 13 by possums 2-19-05

Ah-mister Joey? I done come round here t'blow yer brains out. Any last requests? Tell your grandmother I said "Hello, and thanks for all the tea bags." Yeew schmuck!

Joey the Schmuck 14 by biped 2-19-05

I done blowed his brains out, Granny. Hmmph. I don't suppose he thought to mention all those fucking teabags, the schmuck. HOLY SHIT! The schmuck's BRAINS are splattered all over the PARK! Let's feed 'em to Fluffy! Oh, CRAP -- I knew you'd show up one of these days. Well, there goes the neighborhood! Blow me.

Laugh riot.

That's some funny ass shiz-nit

"Great Stuff!" - Chicago Tribute

"Full of funny!" - LA Times

"It's super!" - Daily Planet

"I'm still laughing!" - Roger Ebert

"uuuu.... I'm a zoooombie..." Sikel

"That Schmuck is an inspriration to us all!" - Pol Pot

"Blame Capitalism." - Karl Marx

"My Rwectum still huwts." - Squirrel

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Shame on Us for All We Have Done. May God Have Mercy on Our Dirty Little Hearts.

The squirrel's name is Vwadimir, by the way.

That was hilarious, you schmuck.

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I will rate you hard, and unendingly.

Don't call me a schmuck you schmuck. I'll blow your shmuckin brains out all over this shmuckin floor then I'll shmuck your mother. Wait... isn't that what shmuck means?

Not bad, schlossums. Keep it up.

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The giant three-phallused phallus of Uzbekistan will one day squirt the cosmic jizz of revenge all over Canada.

HEY YOU STUPID PUNK FUCKERS:

This was a joint effort between BIPED and POSSUMS. Hence the fact that it has the ladyj character capitalizing almost every single word. Very characteristic of him. He also has his name on the even numbered comics.

I thought you were all more perceptive than that. Give biped some, if not all the credit for this series. He deserves it.

I give biped credit for his wacky-ass series all the time.

I felt perhaps you deserved some of the credit as well.

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The giant three-phallused phallus of Uzbekistan will one day squirt the cosmic jizz of revenge all over Canada.

Oh.

Eh.

possums created the "Joey the Schmuck" character, and thus deserves most of the blame. Oh, excuse me, credit.

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Legend, oh legend, the third wheel legend...always in the way.

Okay then. You both want teh credit? You're both fucking schmucks then. Ya happy now, you schmucks?!

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I will rate you hard, and unendingly.

"SCHMOCK! SCHMOCK!"

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Legend, oh legend, the third wheel legend...always in the way.