***WARNING*** This contest will contain objectionable material.

In honor of the film (or the joke), I want your take on The Aristocrats. Please read a version of the aristocrats joke before submitting your own.

Rules:

Submit your comic(s) in the form of someone telling the joke.

A series is fine, but use five comics or less.

Don't merely rehash the material. For example, tell it using Star Trek characters and references, or Smurfs, or sc users...whatever.

Judging will take place in about a week.

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Chicken Feather Bed Bugs Bunny Hop Sing Out Side Street Walker Texas Ranger Cookie Dough Boy Wonder Years

Yea it's really not in the form of someone telling the joke but that's all I could think of for this.

CC 292: one sick story. by Tterb 8-06-05

To Make a Long Story Short. ....and we call ourselfs "The Aristocrats" Get out of here you sick fucks....

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horray for life. boo.

Vaudeville is Dead. Civilization: Teetering. by Zaster 8-07-05

My family and I are here to ask for your representation. What is it you do? We degrade ourselves in the grossest, most apalling ways, and yet... get this.. we call ourselves the aristocrats! Vaudeville is dead, Ma'am. No, you fool -- we're the Hilton family! We need someone to produce our reality series. Oh yeah. *Snif*. I'm so coked out of my mind I forgot where I was.

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I was gonna send a robot back in time, but I got high.

CC 292: The Aristocrats by mandingo 8-07-05

i kill them all. i shove the skinny guy up the fat guy's ass, the rich guy up the skinny guy's ass, the rich girl up his ass, the celebrity up her ass, and the dumb one up hers, forming a human snake then i strip naked, pierce my nipples and scrotum with bamboo shoots, and ride the snake around the island hooting, "A THREE HOUR TOUR? A THREE HOUR TOUR?" will you represent us, Mr. Coconut?

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what if nigger meant kite

Ed's Kife's Edge V by RedfeatheR 8-07-05

The Aristocrats… So you want to do an act that features incest, bestiality, defecation, using crude, tasteless, ribald, scatological, humor bordering lines that go beyond the boundaries of etiquette Smashing the code that governs the expectations of social behavior, the conventional norm. Challenging the limit than even the most savvy comedian could never see, much less CROSS?! And even creaming in his shorts if he ever even thought about seeing the line to cross it?! That's, The AristoCATS oh yeah... you might want to edit that

CC 292: ...And the rest is history... by OmniMarconi67 8-07-05

...And then we jamb my thumb up her ass, you finish perfoming cunnilingus, wipe her urine off your chin, and end the song. We call our act "The Dirty Sanchezs." Hmm...that doesn't quite fit...why not call yourselves "The Aristocrats"? By Jove, I think you've got it!

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If you do just one thing in life, then you need to get out more and expand your horizons. Honestly, that one thing can't possibly take-up all your time.

CC 292: One Day at the Raunch... by kaufman 8-07-05

I said the first one sticks a rotor turbine up the ass of the second one who's reciting Whitman's Leaves of Grass while peeing into the mouth of the first one who's farting the William Tell Overture. Ha, ha. Who the fuck are you talking about? The Aristocrats.

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ken.kaufman@gmail.com

Kaufman, you magnificent bastard.

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Poop.

CC 292: The ... by friendy 8-08-05

And so these people came to a talent agency... Yes, we're going to screw 295 mln people in front of the whole audience. Hmm... let me guess you call yourselves "The Aristocrats", right? Wrong, The Republicrats.

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Disclaimer: Sorry if some of my comics are offensive to somebody. They are created in a light-hearted mood and aren’t intended to hurt anyone.

CC 292: One More Question by kaufman 8-08-05

And we call ourselves The Aristocrats. So what do you think? Will you represent us? Look, I have a confession to make. I only moonlight as a talent agent. I work as a dentist by day. So I've got to know... When your son flossed with your wife's pubic hair, was it waxed or unwaxed?

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ken.kaufman@gmail.com

It's only a little different from my first entry:

CC 292: The ... (a slightly different variant) by friendy 8-08-05

And so these people came to a talent agency... Yes, we're going to screw 295 mln people in front of the whole audience. I know! I know! They are "The Aristocrats", right granny? Wrong, my child, the Republicrats.

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Disclaimer: Sorry if some of my comics are offensive to somebody. They are created in a light-hearted mood and aren’t intended to hurt anyone.

Another one, hopefully the last one.

CC 292: The ... (a slightly different variant #2) by friendy 8-08-05

And so these people came to a talent agency... Yes, we're going to screw 295 mln people in front of the whole audience. Oh, my God, once again I've forgotten how they were called. The republicrats?

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Disclaimer: Sorry if some of my comics are offensive to somebody. They are created in a light-hearted mood and aren’t intended to hurt anyone.

okay, kaufman and mandingo have got the spirit of the thing, so try besting them.

(although i do admire the creativity of some of the other strippers)

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Chicken Feather Bed Bugs Bunny Hop Sing Out Side Street Walker Texas Ranger Cookie Dough Boy Wonder Years

Luckily this is not a democratic contest, because I vote Mandingo. I laughed.

CC 292: Bohemian Aristocracy by kaufman 8-08-05

They were a family act, a father, mother, son and grandmother, and a trailer full of animals. They were good and novel, but some things are just too offensive. I had to turn them down. I loved their four-part harmony Bohemian Rhapsody. When the kid soloed "Mama, just killed a man" while eating his own feces, it just reeked of symbolism. Likewise when the father was sodomizing the proverbial sin-goat to the tune of "Beelzebub has a devil put aside for me." But my absolute favorite part was when the mother inserted a mongoose and a snake into her overstretched twat, and their fight to the death brought her to orgasm with a resounding GALILEO FIGARO! But then the climax was too much for me. When the granny shouted, "So you think you can love me and leave me to die," and jumped into the conveniently situated bed with a horse ... ...And began tearing the tags off the mattresses ... I mean come on! That shit is illegal for a reason!

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ken.kaufman@gmail.com

CC 292: Great Moments in TV History by kaufman 8-09-05

CBS Television Headquarters, New York, February 11, 1964 Did you see the ratings Sullivan pulled in Sunday night? Incredible. The Beatles had millions of homes tuned in. Almost every teenage girl from coast to coast was shrieking her lungs out. Well, I want to see that again next Sunday. Find me an act that can reproduce that, and you'll get a big raise! Oh, I don't have to search far and wide. I know just what you're looking for. Care to let me in on the secret? You see, they're a family act...

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ken.kaufman@gmail.com

thats because kaufman and i did an all night study session while you slackers were out having life changingly great sex!

fools!

CC 292: South Park by mandingo 8-09-05

so then Stan and Kyle stop fucking the preggo hooker and Cartman smashes through the closet and cuts her unborn fetus from her womb and they gang bang it while shoving a bottle up its ass then Kenny cuts off its legs and pulls out the bones, and Stan and Kyle wear the legs as condoms as they doubleteam the weeping dying hooker with the legs of her now deceased baby so? SIMPSONS DID IT!

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what if nigger meant kite

CC 292: Good representation fees... by lukket 8-09-05

OK. I'll listen to you and then make my decision. So how was that show you did in that restaurant last night? Well. We sung this song and meanwhile my nubile daughter stripped and let a volunteer from the audience take her anal virginity while I let my dog suck off my dear wife while I peed in her mouth. Aha. Then what happened. Well, just after we came simutaneously in tune with the song, we flung our poo at the audience. Well that's it. Will you represent us? That's for sure. This is going to be very interesting. Thank you so much. I thought I was never going to find a defense lawyer.

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troelsea at gmail dot com

CC 292: Father O'Mallard in "Mass Hysteria" -- 1 by biped 8-09-05

GOOD LORD! YOUR group, who wants to perform in MY church, plans to WASH THEIR FEET in the baptismal fount, GUZZLE the sacramental wine... Yes...uh-huh... ...DOUCHE THEIR ASSHOLES with the Holy Water...DRINK IT...HUMP the statuary... and then FORNICATE IN THE AISLES with DISEASED SHEEP! Mm-hm...yes... HOLY MOTHER OF MERCY! What in GOD'S NAME do you degenerates CALL yourselves? The Aristocrats.

CC 292: Father O'Mallard in "Mass Hysteria" -- 2 by biped 8-09-05

HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA !!!!!

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Legend, oh legend, the third wheel legend...always in the way.

"HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA !!!!!"

Word.

CC 292: But Will it Play in Topeka? by kaufman 8-10-05

It begins with a dance with hundreds of midgets. Then I have my way with a man nailed to a pole, followed by my lovingly applying lube to every joint in another guy's body. I make friends, if you know what I mean, with a fearsome jungle beast, and then we all get high on some serious narcotics. And during all this, I've got a little dog jumping in and out of my box. So what do you think? Can you help us out? Are you kidding? That stuff died with vaudeville. I'll sign you up when monkeys fly! But you don't understand, Mr. Wizard. We don't want a contract. I just want you to help me get back to Kansas.

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ken.kaufman@gmail.com

Ripping off alcoac14/303241 by lukket 8-10-05

It'll be really something else, Mr. Talent Agent. You'll force rape victims to give birth, persecute minorities, liberate millions of Americans from medicare, bring this society back into the dark ages, and care about the individual corporations? Um... that's not the way I would want to put it, but yeah. Well, and the act is called the republicans? Yes... but I can... Well, 51% of the population can't be wrong - you've got a deal!

sorry, couldn't help it

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troelsea at gmail dot com

CC292: The Aristocrats by Splunge 8-11-05

...and we call ourselves the Aristocrats! Fuck, daddy! You forgot the part where I suck the dog's cock. Again! Damn!

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Bringing you comics, once a year. Whether you want them or not.

I saw the movie tonight and laughed my ass off. I recommend it to everyone on this site, especially those who tend to think about why things are funny and not just about what is funny. You'd never think 90 minutes of 70 people telling the same joke over and over would work, but it does.