So last night there was a big finals game or something and the town decided the best thing to do last night was be complete retards. I'm sure there was lots of things going on around town. The retardation at our section of town was fun. At the bar on the next block, there was some loud live music playing around midnight and, as usual, the street is parked up with hooligans. And, as usual, they all park in front of our driveway, blocking the car in.

Last time, this silver SUV not only blocked the driveway, but parked up on the grass, just barely missing getting ticketed for blocking the sidewalk. But this time was even more priceless.

Now, I've given out a large number of warnings to people doing this. I started out nice, went to straightforward, and then threatening. I'm guessing they didn't really care if I couldn't get out of the driveway as long as they got away with it.

They didn't this time.

About 5am, there was a silver Volvo sedan parked in front of the driveway. So I called and had them ticketed. I wrote down the license plate number so if they do it again, they get their asses towed. A couple hours later, I went outside and discovered the silver SUV (same one I warned before) that was previously legally parked on the street behind the Volvo decided that the best thing to do was to pull up and take the Volvo's space, blocking my driveway. I called to have the fucker towed, but relented and only had him ticketed. If the ticket doesn't work, next time he'll get towed.

But my favorite part is that the complete moron pulled up to take the Volvo's illegal space. That level of retardation is amazing. And it couldn't have been someone who went to the bar, got drunk, and then crashed at someone's house nearby. No one I've ever known that goes drinking til 2am would get up at 7am on a Sunday just to move their car one space over. Especially since the SUV had been there for a while. Maybe they were high, who knows. Maybe just stupid.

While I was calling dispatch, the hot blonde in the silver Volvo came back. Turns out she lives at the other end of our block, across the street from a section of street that NEVER has cars parked there. I hope she has a hangover.

And before you think I'm this massive bitch that should chill out and stop having people ticketed who are only having some harmless fun on a Saturday night, I don't fucking care if they park in our yard as long as the driveway isn't blocked and I'm fucking sick of being accomodating. This happens almost every weekend and I'm sick of not being able to pull into or out of the driveway if I need to. These assholes get off because I've been nice in only warning them, and in the meantime, if I have to park across the street because the driveway's blocked, I'd get the pleasure of having my car marked for tow (24 hour ordinance that the bitch residents enforce to the point of cops back dating the stickers so vehicles can be towed sooner).

You should see our collection of those stickers.

Anyway, I'm sick of being nice and I no longer care if these assholes have to get their cars out of impound. If they weren't so fucking retarded in the first place, and listened when warned in the second place, then there wouldn't be a problem.

Sorry, I had to get that out some way and I didn't think it would work as a comic. Okay, so I could make a comic out of it, but I still needed to scream about it. You know, I should try out my new window punches on these cars...

/comics/ivytheplant/387444/

I'm on your side. It drives me nuts when people do shit like that just because it's inconvenient for them do the right thing and god forbid have to maybe walk a little bit to get where they're going because they had to park a little further away.

Several years ago I went to the movies with my friend. When we were leaving, we had trouble getting out because of where some jackass had parked. There was a long string of parking spaces that ended in one of those little parking lots islands; a raised concrete curb filled with rock. He'd parked on the other side of that, not in a parking spot at all and taking up half of what was the driving lane around the parking lot.

My friend was driving and to show his contempt for this person drove really, really close to his car. I looked out the passenger window and saw that he was about to sideswipe this guy's car.

"What balls!" I thought as the two cars made contact and ours screeched to a halt.

Turns out he hadn't meant to actually touch the other car, and a look of worry passed over his face once he heard the sound of metal on metal.

He put it in reverse and got it unstuck and we drove off, leaving this guy with a pretty hefty set of scratches on the side of his car. My friend was driving a piece of crap Escort on its last legs that he eventually sold to a salvage yard for scrap, so he didn't care that he'd damaged his own car.

To this day I still needle him about it, since he'd never really meant to do it in the first place.

wow. you are so much nicer than i am. i used to slash tires on cars that blocked me in a similar set of circumstances.

fucktarded drunken bar shits that think they have the right to park any damn place they want even if it is blocking in a driveway make me peevish. and i found out when im feeling miffed, a knife through a sidewall ALWAYS made me feel better.

of course this never stopped new turd gobblers from parking there, but it fulfills the basic need to lash out without anyone having to take an ambulance ride.

try it sometime, its very liberating.

While we're admitting stuff, I once smashed the driver's side mirror off of a car that had repeatedly blocked my driveway. Y'know, unless the cops are listening, in which case I totally NEVER did anything like that.

My friend and I were having a water fight at his house once and I accidentally broke the side mirror of his mom's car with a water balloon. He didn't notice because he was running in the other direction, so I ran over and stood in front of it and started taunting him.

He chucked a balloon at me and I jumped out of the way, letting it hit the mirror I'd just broken.

"Holy crap!" I said. "You broke your mom's mirror!"

I fessed up to it about 10 years later.

There's a coffee shop nearby that boo and I like going to on the weekends. The parking lot (if you can call it that) is miniscule, with space for maybe four cars on one wall and two cars parallel parked behind them. Several times, people get the great idea that they can park alongside the parallel parked cars, which means (at best) I need about a 200 point turn in order to get out of there. I'd ram them, but my car is still fairly new and I'd rather it didn't look like my old Geo just yet. Though if we ever go there in the giant beat up truck, I'm going to run over everything out of spite.

Oh, the dumbest part is guys who work at the coffee shop will double park there.

The complex I live in has space for two cars in front of each townhouse. There's a space between each block of townhouses with about four to five spaces free to anyone. I tell my visitors to park there so as not to inconvenience my neighbors; the one time my Fiancee forgets to do this when she comes over, our neighbors to the left park directly behind her car. Because, as everyone knows, keeping a car from moving is the best way to get it moved.

Well, we go over to get neighbor to move the car and apologize about the inconvenience, only to be berated about it. Not two days later said neighbor tries to park right in front of our townhouse. Luckily my roommate was home and he told her under no uncertain terms that she had to find someplace else to park.

To retaliate, she and her husband have been parking closer and closer to our townhouse, as if to push myself and my roommate over. Friday her husband's truck was about an inch or two from being in front of my front door. So I parked where I normally do, which now is so close he'll have to climb in through the passenger door to drive to work Monday morning.

They keep it up and I'll get one of the Mexican two doors down to slash their tires. I'd do it myself, but they aren't wrth the effort.

I can send you a window punch. I bought several in case people I knew needed to break some car windows. Hell, I'll come over there and do it myself. It's killing me that I have no car to practice on.

Anywhere on the window will work, but with tempered glass the entire window will shatter instantly when it goes. If your hands are near the bottom they're gonna get covered in falling glass, and if they're near the middle of the window the tendency of your hands is to shoot inwards because you've been pushing so hard.

The best way is to shoot for one of the top corners, and push with one hand and use the other resting against the car to steady the pushing hand. You only need enough force to trip the hammer in the punch.

or you could just throw a fuckin brick through it.

primitive yet effective, no?

Of course. I always enjoy throwing bricks through a moron's car window. But it would still leave me with the problem of where to test my window punches.

It might bounce off. You'd be surprised at how hard you can whack a side window without it breaking. I've swung hammers at them pretty hard without anything happening.

Better to use the brick for the front window since the punch won't on it anyway.

Why do you have so much experience breaking windows?

Extrication drills when I was interning at the fire department. It's pretty cool how they get the cars. If someone abandons their car, someone official comes and puts a sticker on it basically saying, "You better fucking pick up your car or we're taking it". Then after a certain amount of time they'd have some tow company pick it up and stick it in an impound yard.

Then whenever we need cars to cut apart/burn/etc, we'd just call the tow company, they'd deliver a car, we'd trash it, and they'd pick it up when we were done.

The best part was breaking into the trunk to see what kind of goodies were left in there. Occasionally you'd find a decent tool or something, but usually it was just crap. Once we found a bag full of dirty underwear and a dildo. Awesome.

LEWL!

In my opinion, though, this is the best way to break a window, especially if the fuckers are parking you in.

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gabe_billings wrote:

In my opinion, though, this is the best way to break a window, especially if the fuckers are parking you in.

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Just my luck, there's a construction equipment rental place just down the street. And I am at least licensed to drive a forklift.

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AngryAmerican wrote:

or you could just throw a fuckin brick through it.

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A brick might actually get stuck in the windshield or back glass if thrown right. And a brick stuck in one's windshield is such an effective signal.

I think the bar should help you with this. If they don't...for a month -preferably a heavy drinking month (Spring break?) get a bunch of your family and friends to park along the street late Saturday afternoon before the bar get hoppin' and make sure your car is blocking your own driveway.

three or for saturdays of this hurting the business might get the bar to at least moniter thier own patrons.

Good luck.

First I was going to ask how it comes to pass that a person digs through the abandoned bag of dirty underwear far enough to find the used dildo instead of getting as far away as possible from said bag. And then I thought, duh, it's Gabe.

I haven't slashed any tires, but if I have to, I have one of these:

The Cold Steel SRK. When you're done slashing the tires with it, you can cut the fenders off, too.

I've got one of these.

It works pretty well on tires. And if you don't have a sharp instrument handy, you can just grab the tire stems with a pair of pliers and yank and the whole thing comes right out.

Again... I don't think the point is to immobilize the car as it blocks the driveway.

But after they tow it away, they probably won't park there again.

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boorite wrote:

First I was going to ask how it comes to pass that a person digs through the abandoned bag of dirty underwear far enough to find the used dildo instead of getting as far away as possible from said bag. And then I thought, duh, it's Gabe.

I haven't slashed any tires, but if I have to, I have one of these:

The Cold Steel SRK. When you're done slashing the tires with it, you can cut the fenders off, too.

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I've got a couple of those Cold Steels - gotta love a company that still puts out a good product for cheap.

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not_Scyess wrote:
Again... I don't think the point is to immobilize the car as it blocks the driveway.

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You're right. Maybe a better idea would be a giant pit right at the end of the driveway so if you tried to park there you'd fall into it. And, uh, there'd be like a bridge or something so you could get in and out. And it would be automatic, and retract when assholes showed up to park you in. Then there car would fall into the pic. And the tigers would eat them. Did I mention there were tigers? There are tigers.

Try hiring homeless men to pee on the door handles. That'd be fun.

I just figured out how to get people to vandalize an illegally parked car for me. All I have to do is put on Colorado plates and garish CSU stickers that proclaim that UW sucks. In no time, our frat boys would have smashed it to bits.

And here I thought frat boys had no useful skills.

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ivytheplant wrote:

And here I thought frat boys had no useful skills.

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We're also good at drinking massive amounts of alcohol so that it doesn't end up in the hands of minors.

and getting your ass handed to you in barfights.

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crackpanther wrote:

I've got a couple of those Cold Steels - gotta love a company that still puts out a good product for cheap.

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Yeah, there is pretty much one way anyone is going to break the SRK (improper batoning). I like this knife a lot better than competitors like the Kabar USMC, which just looks unnecessarily brutal and ugly to me. Some people don't consider $50 or $60 cheap for a knife, but they're retarded assholes who don't deserve to live.

The ultimate bargain from Cold Steel has to be the Bushman. For less than $20 you get a high carbon, forged knife with a 7" blade that'll cut through anything right out of the box, and it doubles as a spearhead. I can't think of a comparable knife in this price range that isn't made of cheaper 420 or 440A stainless.

In our house we've got eight CS items I can think of-- SRK, Oyabun, tanto Spike, naval dirk, 1796 pattern saber, grosse messer, Koga SD-1, and Spetsnaz shovel.  I'd like to add a trail hawk and some of their pole arms and various stick and machete products to the list before I'm dead.

What were we talking about? Parking or something?

My personal favorite (it stays in the trunk), the kukri:

I've been really wanting one of those.

For self defense purposes. Really. I swear.

Okay ... two things.

1) The townhouse complex I live in has essentially two parking spots per townhouse (one is the garage, the other is the little driveway). Then there are 6 lots around the complex, with 3 parking spaces in each of them, designated for 'vistors' only. If residents have nowhere to park, we're supposed to park on the damn street, which blows because its usually full, or will impede driving on said street. I have gotten numerous warnings because I've parked in the 'visitor' parking during winter. Gee, I'm sorry complex managers. I thought "hey, I'm paying to live here, if my driveway's full, I'll park across from my townhouse because otherwise I'll die a horrible death of freezing"Apparently, death by freezing is no excuse for taking up a precious parking space. As well, the lot in front of my house has enough room for 5 cars to fit in most comfortably. As in, you can open any door and not hit the car beside you. However, a lot of big trucks and suv's and vans like to park there, thus sometimes there's room for only 3 vehicles because of the way these assholes park. Drives me nuts. Hence why I'm moving soon.

2) My brother has been collecting swords (buying off Ebay actually) for the past year or so, and the other day he just so happened to be swinging one around and he stabbed himself in the leg. It was pretty sweet, what with the muscle hanging out of the wound. He required 5 stitches. What fun!

Haha to people like your brother I would say: 'don't.'

The guys who play with swords remind me of guys who twirl their pool cues around like batons as they wait for their turn to shoot. Invariably they drop them and all the regulars see what jacklegs they are.

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little_kitty wrote:

swinging one around and he stabbed himself in the leg.

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Missing a Darwin award by a mere artery.

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little_kitty wrote:

2) My brother has been collecting swords (buying off Ebay actually) for the past year or so, and the other day he just so happened to be swinging one around and he stabbed himself in the leg. It was pretty sweet, what with the muscle hanging out of the wound. He required 5 stitches. What fun!

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Sounds like a decent sword. What kind was it? I want one.

A regular on Sword Forums International was attempting to learn an Iaido move from an old ink drawing without an instructor and with a live blade. Iaido is the Japanese art of drawing and sheathing the sword, and he was trying to sheath it fast without looking. Well, guess where he sheathed it. The answer is, right between his radius and ulna, down the length of his forearm and out the other side. When they were done stitching him up, his left forearm looked like a baseball.

Anyway, you're not supposed to swing swords around as if they're nunchuks the way they do in those stupid "extreme martial arts" contests. I've hit myself in the head with nunchuks and am glad it wasn't a sword. You keep the sword out away from you. That's where the enemy is. That way, when you accidentally hit something and kill it, it isn't you.

BTW, if you ever do pick up a pair of nunchuks, get ready to hit yourself in the head with them.

My old roommate bought a replica sword from one of the Highlander movies (which was a katana for some reason) and one day one of my other roommates walked in on him standing in front of the TV watching Highlander and posing with his sword. That guy was a douche.

The one with the pimpin' fake ivory handle? Lucky all he did was pose with it. I saw a video of some kid whacking a bunch of bushes with it until the blade broke and nicked him in the foot. Haha, fucking retard.

My grandfather had a Japanese sword that's sitting in my parents' basement somewhere.  My wife refuses to let it in the house.  Spoilsport.

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boorite wrote:
The one with the pimpin' fake ivory handle? Lucky all he did was pose with it. I saw a video of some kid whacking a bunch of bushes with it until the blade broke and nicked him in the foot. Haha, fucking retard.

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Yeah, that's the one. He also owned a knife that was in The Punisher movie which is made for cleaning coconuts/slashing throats. He brought it with him to a concert because he's a dumbass. This is the quality of recuits in Canada's navy.

I've been really wanting one of those.

For self defense purposes. Really. I swear.

I used to get kukris wholesale at a nepali imports store in boulder, just west of the pearl st mall. It's probably not still there. I got out of the international arms trade when scary guys with suits started asking around for me - I don't think they were customers.

There is not one thing right with this picture.

There's a big douchebag in the middle of it, detracting from the swords?

Now I want to know if anyone can find a picture of an even bigger douchebag.

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gabe_billings wrote:
There's a big douchebag in the middle of it, detracting from the swords?

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It doesn't help. You look at the swords and go "holy fuck," then you look at the douchebag and go "dear lord, my eyes," and then back at the swords and then the guy and back and forth spiraling down into everlasting despair.

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gabe_billings wrote:

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little_kitty wrote:

swinging one around and he stabbed himself in the leg.

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Missing a Darwin award by a mere artery.

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Funnily enough, he was mere millimetres away from puncturing a major vein. When my brother went in for stitches, they were plying him with freezing needles and my brother commented "I hate needles" and the doctor looked at him and said "And yet you stabbed yourself with a sword".

Also, boo, I'm not sure what type of sword it is... he's got, like, 3. And then my dad has a replica of a claighmore underneath the futon upstairs. Someone on campus (University of Saskatchewan) made it. Its pretty cool

Nothing says "pretty cool" like "under the futon upstairs".

William Wallace also kept his claymore under the futon.

They cannot take... MY FUTON!!!

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UnknownEric wrote:
They cannot take... MY FUTON!!!

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