I think it's funny when things talk that can't really talk.  Did that make sense?  It did?  Good.

Entries in this contest should feature a human character talking with a non-human character.  You can vary what's going on in each panel, but there must be at least one panel that contains both a human character and a non-human character, and the non-human must have at least one line of dialogue.

Bonus points if they're talking about something other than having sex with one another.  I know how you people think.

If you're not sure whether a certain character is human, assume that it is.  Robots are honorary humans for the purposes of this contest.  Finally, if someone is talking through an object such as a phone, TV, or computer, that can't count as your non-human.

New comics only, please.

I'll judge this sometime on Sunday, November 6th.

For the benefit of any newbies: whoever wins this comic contest has to create and judge the next one!  Enter, but know that in doing so you risk bringing this terrible burden upon yourself!

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The what mentioned above is total fiction. Please don't take it seriously!

cc489 by mandingo 11-01-11

look, i know i mixed everclear, redbull, and fanta. i know this is bull****. you're a mailbox or toilet or something. as long as i wait you out and DON'T do what you say, i'll sober up and be fine bull****, huh? like the time your parents lied to you about your dog going to live happily on a farm? yes, exactly. i just have to sober up and... what did you say? how do you know about that?! i know because sometimes extraordinary things DO happen. i know because if you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be true. i know because your destiny awaits, Sue after sobering up... CHRIST, I ALMOST HAD HER!

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what if ****** meant kite

Muffin' It by biped 11-01-11

Magic fishbowl...on Granny's head... speak to me...from the land of the dead! Debbie...Deb-bieeee...the spirits of the dead wish for you to make...MUFFINS! But I don't know how to make muffins... Then you should try MUFF-QUIK! Muffin mix so easy to use, even a TOTAL FUCKHEAD LIKE YOU can whip up delicious muffins! Did...did the spirits of the dead like the muffins, magic fishbowl? No, Debbie. They tasted like they were made from some crappy muffin mix.

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Legend, oh legend, the third wheel legend...always in the way.

Smoke 'Em While You Got 'Em by four_legged_tripod 11-02-11

Well Mr. Smokey, our cigarette sales are down. We need a gimmick to boost sales. I always leave cigarette stains where ever I go. Maybe we should create a cigarette stain eraser and sell one with every pack. Brilliant! We'll go international with it! I'm putting you in charge of marketing over seas. London, England Free rubber for your ***! Get a free rubber to clean up the mess your *** leaves!

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"Humiliation is humiliation only when you choose to suffer." ~ Chuck Palahniuk, Choke

Rubbed the Right Way by four_legged_tripod 11-02-11

Help me! Who said that? It is I, the Spirit of these Spirits! You must help me get out. But I don't exactly know which bottle you're trapped in. So he then bought and drank every bottle on the shelf? Yep. And my mother said that those ventriloquism lessons would never pay off.

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"Humiliation is humiliation only when you choose to suffer." ~ Chuck Palahniuk, Choke

RCL no. 2644 by RandomComicLayoutGuy 11-02-11

You don't have to do this, Butch... I could just leave town and you tell everyone you ate me for lunch. Mmmmm... Lunch! Let me rephrase that...

RCL no. 2645 by RandomComicLayoutGuy 11-02-11

I don't know why they're called the "real" wives of Beverly Hills... I mean, every last one of them have fake tits, fake lips, and have been shot with enough Botox to kill a small Filipino village! What say you, Polly? *BUUUURRRRP* Damn. I have got to get me a parrot...

Groovy! - A four_legged_rip_off by edoggydog 11-02-11

Help me! Who said that? It is I, the Spirit of these Bodies! You must help me get out. But I don't exactly know which drawer you're trapped in. So, then he ate every dead body in the morgue! And, mother said the ventriliquism lessons would never pay off... Groovy!

Groovy! - Hyp-mo-tized by edoggydog 11-03-11

You'll never make it as a hypnotist unless you learn to stare harder! HARDER!!!! My optometrist thinks the swelling in my eyes will go down in a few months. Maybe. Groovy!

CC 489: For surreals! by bigworm 11-03-11

Hey Mr. CocoPalm... you awake yet?!! Can frogs fly senor? I finally told 'em "Could you guys cut with the cross-talk, I'm tryin' to get some sleep!" Wow!!!

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bigworm

Groovy! - A Straight Flush Beats a Full Toilet by edoggydog 11-03-11

Dude... I need a favor from you. Groovy! Can you flush the toilet for me? What..? Why don't you do it yourself? "I tried."

Atonement by AngryAmerican 11-03-11

Oh beautiful Mother Earth! You're even more awe inspiring from up here! How can we atone for centuries of **** and waste? A flea dip.

Slide. by AngryAmerican 11-03-11

Oh God, where am I? I am your Totem. What the hell were those pillls? I am your Power Animal. WHERE THE FUCK AM I? Dude I'm a ****ing hallucination, I don't know.

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Kill Whitey.

And one more

Dressed to Kill by AngryAmerican 11-03-11

How ya doin kid? Did ya bring everything I asked? They say that talking to inanimate objects is a sign of insanity, you know. That's all just psychobabble bull****, kid. I talked to you first, remember? You were only being polite. But Staniskowski clearly states in his 'Principles of.... Hey whoa kid! I'm just a sweater here, not a philosopher. You bring the gun or what? *sigh* Yeah, I brought it.

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Kill Whitey.

RCL no. 2646 by RandomComicLayoutGuy 11-03-11

Here I am in my apartment. Again. All alone. Again. What do I have to do to find that special someone to share my life with? Losing the beret and sunglasses would be a good start, dweeb... Up yours, lamp!

It's Smelly Poo Not Tasty Bacon by Rabid_Weasle 11-03-11

Ok... so I have to call Alex, then go to see Sharon in HR but before that I need to get a copy of my HSTR5-AAAAH! HEY SHTEVE LETSH GO TO THE WATER PARK! GODDAMNIT!!!! I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR THIS, SHIT!!

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Poop.

The Killing of Rasputin: Part 7 by kaufman 11-04-11

Hah. Took long enough, but he's dead at last. Now to cremate the body... And back to the Kremlin to report success. I'm not dead yet!

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ken.kaufman@gmail.com

The New Happy-Time Crab Show by biped 11-04-11

Howdy, kids! It's HAPPY TIME! YIPPEEEEEEEEE!!!Oh hap-hap-happy day! Singin' our cares away! Takin' it, come what-- Oh, pardon me, I was looking for the cooking show. The Cheerful Chef's making crab legs today. Oh well...I'll just follow the sound of the dying, screaming crabs.

The New Happy-Time Crab Show 2 by biped 11-04-11

Uhh...err...well, anyway... it's Happy Time, kids, and-- We interrupt "The Happy-Time Crab Show" for a special news bulletin. Beloved social activist and former "mop-top" John Lennon...is dead.

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Legend, oh legend, the third wheel legend...always in the way.

One Night at TGI-Flydays by kaufman 11-04-11

Good evening, sir, let me tell you about our specials tonight. Our seafood specials are crappie, fecaled herring, and dungerness crab. For a heartier appetite we have a delicious turducken, or if you feel like something Asian, may I recommend the poo-poo platter? If you want something Italian, we also have a great spaghetti fra diarrhea. So may I start you off perhaps with an appetizer of ****take mushrooms? Um, no thanks. Could I please have something off the non-flies' menu? I'm E. coli intolerant.

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ken.kaufman@gmail.com

My Bloody Valentine by four_legged_tripod 11-05-11

Quit licking me, little girl. But you're my best friend Mr. Blood Stain. Look, if you don't quit, something terrible might happen. Like what? Sickle cell.

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"Humiliation is humiliation only when you choose to suffer." ~ Chuck Palahniuk, Choke

CC489 - Pickup lines by lukket 11-06-11

Hi Claire. Come on. Answer me! I won't. I bet you're going to call HER. What is wrong with me? You're a PHONE! I can't be with you. So. Why is there something called "phone sex"?

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troelsea at gmail dot com

That'll just about do it, I think.

I was pretty pleased with how this contest turned out.  I handed out a lot of "good" ratings.  I thought it was especially interesting that so many people chose to use a part of the background as their non-human character; I had expected to see mostly animals and a few props.

And now it's time to announce the winner.  But first, to keep you all in suspense for a little longer, let's list a few Honorable Mentions.

The Marlboro Man Award, which comes with a coupon for $500 off a tracheotomy, goes to four_legged_tripod for:

Smoke 'Em While You Got 'Em by four_legged_tripod 11-02-11

Well Mr. Smokey, our cigarette sales are down. We need a gimmick to boost sales. I always leave cigarette stains where ever I go. Maybe we should create a cigarette stain eraser and sell one with every pack. Brilliant! We'll go international with it! I'm putting you in charge of marketing over seas. London, England Free rubber for your ***! Get a free rubber to clean up the mess your *** leaves!

The Calvin's Dad Award for Best Use of Character goes to edoggydog for:

Groovy! - Hyp-mo-tized by edoggydog 11-03-11

You'll never make it as a hypnotist unless you learn to stare harder! HARDER!!!! My optometrist thinks the swelling in my eyes will go down in a few months. Maybe. Groovy!

The Alexander Ivanovich Dubrovin Award for Excellence in Comics that Require Knowledge of Russian History goes to kaufman for:

The Killing of Rasputin: Part 7 by kaufman 11-04-11

Hah. Took long enough, but he's dead at last. Now to cremate the body... And back to the Kremlin to report success. I'm not dead yet!

But as good as those comics were, you all got your asses beat by biped, who turned in two excellent comics, either one of which would be a worthy winner in its own right:

The New Happy-Time Crab Show by biped 11-04-11

Howdy, kids! It's HAPPY TIME! YIPPEEEEEEEEE!!!Oh hap-hap-happy day! Singin' our cares away! Takin' it, come what-- Oh, pardon me, I was looking for the cooking show. The Cheerful Chef's making crab legs today. Oh well...I'll just follow the sound of the dying, screaming crabs.

Muffin' It by biped 11-01-11

Magic fishbowl...on Granny's head... speak to me...from the land of the dead! Debbie...Deb-bieeee...the spirits of the dead wish for you to make...MUFFINS! But I don't know how to make muffins... Then you should try MUFF-QUIK! Muffin mix so easy to use, even a TOTAL FUCKHEAD LIKE YOU can whip up delicious muffins! Did...did the spirits of the dead like the muffins, magic fishbowl? No, Debbie. They tasted like they were made from some crappy muffin mix.

Congratulations, biped!  Now give us a comic contest that doesn't taste like it was made from some crappy mix.

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The what mentioned above is total fiction. Please don't take it seriously!

Thanks, yaaay!  I will try to come up with a contest that is better than the usual crappy ones that I come up with.

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Legend, oh legend, the third wheel legend...always in the way.