Friends, 

Our way of life is under attack.  I don't have to tell you that the rights of God-fearing people are being stripped away.  I read on the internets today that helicopters blacker than our president have begun strafing businesses that wish customers "Merry Christmas" instead of the secular progressive "Happy Holidays."  Unless we do something about it, the jack-booted thugs will soon be patroling the streets and forcibly applying Coexist bumper stickers on cars other than Priuses.

Friends, this isn't the America I know and if the Founders knew how we've perverted the Constitution by preventing moral people like us from celebrating Christmas, they would wonder why they bothered to put in all the references to Christianity, the Ten Commandments, God, Jesus, and most of all Satan.

So I figured the best way to express our mutual disgust over this fictional War on Christmas is to hold our own equally contrived comic strip protest.

• Your comics should expose a controversy involving one of the December holidays (any of them)


• One or more of your characters must be sincerely outraged over this controversy


• Preference is for new comics

I would promise to set out a plate of cookies and glass of milk for the winner of this contest before I go to bed on Christmas Eve, but the so-called "health department" cited me last year for serving milk at dangerous temperatures because some fatass complained it "smelled funny" and was "spoiled."  Well, maybe if he had eaten one of those Christmas cookies I got from the dispensary down the street before it was raided, he wouldn't have cared.  WAY TO RUIN IT FOR EVERYONE, JERK!

The Adventures of Arwin Nunderstern feat. Ed by biped 12-09-11

I was just passing by on my way to the bus stop, and I thought you should know that I find your "nativity scene" offensive. Really? Huh. That's very interesting.

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Legend, oh legend, the third wheel legend...always in the way.

The Adventures of Arwin Nunderstern feat. Mr. Sanderson by biped 12-09-11

I was just passing by your desk on my way to the teller's window, and I thought you should know that I find your "X-mas" tree highly offensive. Oh? Well then, why don't you close out your little piece of shit account and go to another fucking bank, dickhead? Well? That wasn't very "Christmassy."

The Adventures of Arwin Nunderstern feat. Santa Claus by biped 12-09-11

I was just passing by on my way to the Arctic Circle, and I thought you should know that I find you and everything you stand for offen-- SUPER SANTA THOUGHT POWER--INCINERATE! Sorry...that's just something I do sometimes.

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Legend, oh legend, the third wheel legend...always in the way.

RCL no. 2683 by RandomComicLayoutGuy 12-09-11

Happy Kawazaki, my brother! It's called, "Kwanzaa". And, you shouldn't assume that just because I'm black, I celebrate that made-up bullshit... I think you're misunderstanding me, my broth- AND, STOP TRYING TO RELATE TO ME BY CALLING ME YOUR "BROTHER", ASSHOLE!!! Actually, we really ARE brothers because daddy liked to fuck the help. Secondly, I was going to give you a Ninja 250R for Christmas. Now you'll have to suck my dick before I'd ever give it to you! Teeth or no teeth, my brother?

I Made it Out of Clay by four_legged_tripod 12-09-11

Can't talk now. Playing the new PS3 "Hanukkah Dreidel" game. That sounds lame. You don't know? Dreidel is an anagram for "Idle Red". "Red" meaning Santa. So, every time you play with a dreidel, you're really just messing with Santa and slowing him down? Santa baby. Come inside and stuff my chimney! Ho, ho, HO, you ho. Just a few more steps to the front door and... why can't I move my feet?

I Made it Out of Clay 2 by four_legged_tripod 12-09-11

Playing this dreidel game and messing with Santa is the best thing ever! I don't think this is right. We're Jewish. What do we care? I don't think you have any idea of the impact you could be having slowing Santa down. Ho, ho, ho crap. I really need to pinch off a big fruitcake loaf. Just a few more steps to the can and.. Oh no. Not again!

I Made it Out of Clay 3 by four_legged_tripod 12-09-11

Quit playing that dreidel game! Rabbi Munchausen is going berserk! Why would the rabbi be so upset that I'm playing a dreidel game to slow Santa down? The dreidel doesn't slow down Santa you schmuck! Santa has grandmal seizures! Just a few more steps and... UUHHHNNNGGGHH! Look out you schmuck!

I Made it Out of Clay 4 by four_legged_tripod 12-09-11

So playing with a dreidel does not slow down Santa? What about dreidel being an anagram for "Idle Red"? That's not the real anagram for dreidel. The real anagram is "Elder Id". Elder Id? Yes. When you play with a dreidel you release the hidden id of an elder rabbi. So please, stop playing with that dreidel! Come over and get it big boy. You bet I will. Just a few more steps and.. Oy vay! Who the fuck stopped playing with the dreidel?

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"Humiliation is humiliation only when you choose to suffer." ~ Chuck Palahniuk, Choke

RCL no. 2684 by RandomComicLayoutGuy 12-09-11

[ *name changed to avoid shunning. ] So, this is what's left of Alvin Dunderstain*. He wasn't satisfied with just confront-ing Santa and getting incinerated. He had to come here to Christ's tomb to confront the Son of God and get re-incinerated! Why did he hate Christmas so much? In 1976, I didn't get that choo-choo set I circled in the Sears catalog. I mean, I was good all fucking year long and nothing! NOTHING!!

Cold-Hearted Santa by boloboffin 12-25-08

Maybe we should consider a union... NEVER!!!

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You can take the heart out of the hooker but you can't take the hooker out of the heart. -- Frankenhooker

A Rumour of Christmas by JedShepherd 12-10-11

John stood there on xmas eve, waiting to be noticed, like he does ever year. Wearing his fave scarf and his best coal-mouth smile. His hat at a jaunty angle and buttons you could see your face in. He read a book once, about a snowman who came to life and melted, not only the snow, but the hearts of all who read. A snowman that met a little boy and had an epic adventure that transcended age. Six months later, he still stood there, unnoticed and alone. The book lied. Now when nobody is looking he reads the feminist propaganda of Angela Carter and plans to one day start a family.

i know its quite depressing but sometimes thats what xmas is.

merry xmas everybody!

jed

CC 492: All Santas like cookies. by bigworm 12-12-11

Our man on the street Trudge Honklin is out gathering opinions on the recent firing of Santa at the Pleasant Pole Mall. Take it away Trudge... What do you think of the recent firing of Santa? I'm outraged! But he was caught having sex with underage elves. Right! He coulda' fucked me and kept his job!

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bigworm

From hell's heart, I spork at thee by mandingo 12-15-11

and there's the starter's pistol! looks like France takes an early lead with Norway right behind! through the ladder rungs, over the dumpster, onto the helicopter skid... OH! RIGHT into that recently washed window! Canada's out of it! so France takes the Gold, Norway the Silver, and... Russia the Bronze! and with that we kick off the 43rd running of Jackie Chanukah! hard to believe it's been 43 years today! seems just like yesterday we stripped Chanukah from those uncreative jews and turned it over to the hypercreative Japanese who, let's face it, you could lock in a room with a Radio Shack calculator and a Casio watch and in 15 minutes you'd have a robot that could rape a small dog bringing us to our next event...

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what if nigger meant kite

RCL no. 2699 by RandomComicLayoutGuy 12-15-11

I fucking hate Christmas! I never know what presents to buy my family, and if my mother gives me another box of granny-bloomer underwear, I'm going to LOSE IT!! I FUCKING HATE CHRISTMAS!!! Wanna go back to my place so you can occupy my "north pole"?

Jingle Balls by four_legged_tripod 12-16-11

Dear Fag: A friend tried to tell me that Christmas was created for the homosexuals. How can that be? Dear Jingle Balls: There are many references to this. First, Joseph was delighted that he did not actually have to have sex with a woman to have a son. It's the only time seeing a ballet is accepted by straight men and "Don we now our gay apparel" refers to ball gags and not sweaters.

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"Humiliation is humiliation only when you choose to suffer." ~ Chuck Palahniuk, Choke

I get this stupid email this time every year by kaufman 12-17-11

From: Schroeder@schulz.org Dear Friend, Do you know what today is? It's December 16th. That's Beethoven's birthday! You should go out and pay proper tribute to the greatest composer of all time. Dumb, dumb, dumb, dummmb.

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ken.kaufman@gmail.com

Timepiece on Earth, Ill Will Toward Man by kaufman 12-17-11

The weirdest thing happened this past weekend. My grandson was visiting, and he set all the clocks in the house ahead five hours. That's not that odd. Little boys like to fiddle with things. Why, when I was little, I once ... No, you don't understand. Once he did that, everyone in our house suddenly couldn't stand Christmas, and we all started shouting about sabotaging it. Nobody returned to normal until we finally set the clocks back. Any idea what in the world could have happened? Isn't it obvious? Once the clocks were set forward, you were all running on Grinch Mean Time!

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ken.kaufman@gmail.com

Don't worry, I won't. by HCRoyall 12-19-11

Oo! Kwanzaa starts the day after Crhistmas; let's celebrate Kwanzaa this year too. All I know about Kwanzaa is that you have to be black, and neither of us quite meets that criteria. Don't tell anyone I said that.

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It was such a waste of everyone’s time and money that even the Tokyo stadium’s rape robots apologized– something they were programmed specifically never to do.

Groovy! - Merry Jewsday by edoggydog 12-19-11

This is my orgasm face, which also looks a lot like my taking-a-major-hard-constipated-dump face... Groovy! Hey, did you know that Hannukah is tomorrow? Well, tomorrow is Tuesday, so I guess this year you could also call it, "Jewsday"! HAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHA.. For those of you who are new to "Groovy!", that last joke was a prime example of the lame-ass humor that goes on in this strip. ...HAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHA...

RCL no. 2710 by RandomComicLayoutGuy 12-20-11

Did you hear that Kim died? Really? Well, it's about time! I guess that's God's Christmas gift to the world... Yes, Kim Jong Il was a very bad man. Kim Jong Il? I thought you meant Kim Kardashian! DAMMIT!!

Groovy! - They don't have electricity, dumbass! by edoggydog 12-20-11

Wanna see a picture of Christmas lights in an Amish neighborhood? Groovy! I don't get it.

I will tell you who has been naughty and who has been nice on Friday.  If you have a problem with that, please submit it on rules-compliant comic form.

RCL no. 2713 by RandomComicLayoutGuy 12-21-11

Did you here about the woman in Brazil who gave birth to a two-headed boy? Quite the Christmas present, yes? Yes, and thank God it was a boy, and not a girl... What do you mean? Could you imagine there being a woman with TWO mouths? Ooooo! Spooky! I mean, what man wants to get nagged at in stereo!

Merry Fucking Christmas! The winner is the best stripper on two legs, our very own Biped.

If it makes the rest of you feel better, you can pretend that I liked his strips so much, I didn't bother continue reading down the page.  As far as you are concerned, the rest of you were robbed and I was unfair to do that.

Take it away, Biped!

I was robbed!  I mean, thanks!

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Legend, oh legend, the third wheel legend...always in the way.

if i don't win a contest soon, i'm going to consider it the curse of HCRoyall

and facerape him

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what if nigger meant kite

mandingo wrote:

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if i don't win a contest soon, i'm going to consider it the curse of HCRoyall

and facerape him

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i was planning on whispering the safe word (like the emcee from Password) and then immediately putting the ballgag on you

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what if nigger meant kite