Twilight sucks balls, thats just common knowledge. I mean, vampires that sparkle in sunlight? Fuck you Stephenie Meyer.  But comics making fun of abstinent vampires must be hilarious, so thats what I want to see for cc497.  Here are some ground rules.
No old comics.
Series are fine.
No sparkling.

Judging will take place within two weeks.

RCL no. 2821 by RandomComicLayoutGuy 2-14-12

I can't tell what sucks more... You or the idea for this comic contest. I'm abstaining. From sucking? From sneezing. But, it's not working. Better stand back. ACHOOOOO!! Oh, yuck! You got fang spittle on me.

Batty Betty Part I by four_legged_tripod 2-15-12

I think the new transfer student, Kevin, is totally a vampire. There's no such thing. That's something Hollywood made up to get your panties wet just so you'd see a movie. It's true. I know he's a vampire. I heard him in the boy's bathroom and the other boys were yelling at him to do vampire stuff. Suck it Kevin! That's right, keep sucking it.

Batty Betty Part II by four_legged_tripod 2-15-12

I'm not quite sure that proves he's a vampire. Okay, fine. How do you explain his sparkling lips? They showed that in the movies and his lips sparkle all the time. Betty, I don't think I can listen to much more of this. Have fun with your vampire boy all you want, but keep me out of it. Hey Erin, can I borrow some of your glitter lip gloss? The new guy, Kevin, keeps taking and wearing mine.

Batty Betty Part III by four_legged_tripod 2-15-12

Erin! I totally did it! I proved that Kevin was a vampire! I asked you to leave me out of this. No, wait! You know how a vampire will die if you drive a wooden stake through his heart? Betty? What did you do? wwwhhhyyy???

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"Humiliation is humiliation only when you choose to suffer." ~ Chuck Palahniuk, Choke

RCL no. 2823 by RandomComicLayoutGuy 2-15-12

...then, she says, "Sucky-sucky, fibe dollah, Yankee." She was a vampire? She was a WHORE, dumbass! But, she said, "sucky-sucky", like a vampire! Have you ever gotten a ******* from a woman before? Yes. Courtney at Supercuts blow dries my hair after she styles it, but I have to pay fibe dollah extra- oh, I get it! Your date's a vampire ***** who also cuts hair!

Batty Betty Part IV by four_legged_tripod 2-15-12

Do you have any idea as to what it is that you have done? Yeah. I've become like a total bad ass vampire killing *****! No, you ****! Do you realize that you can kill just about anyone by driving a wooden stake through their heart? I hear you loud and clear! There must be more vampires running around our school and it's my job to hunt them down and kill them! Betty, have you been soaking your tampons in vodka again?

Batty Betty Part V by four_legged_tripod 2-15-12

Hi Sara. What's wrong with your face? That has to be the biggest zit I've ever seen. You should look at it in the mirror. I really don't want to. I'm rather embarrassed by it and don't want to be reminded of it. Won't look in the mirror huh? Probably because you don't have a reflection Ms. Vampire! Hi, Kevin. 'sup, Sara?

Batty Betty Part VI by four_legged_tripod 2-15-12

Betty, you can't be back here in the food preparation part of the school. Just seeing how much garlic you were using in the food, chef. Garlic? Can't stand the stuff. Never use it. Don't use it because of your vampire nature, eh chef Dracula? I'm gonna start brown baggin' it man. I found a ***** in my stew today. I hate mystery meat Mondays.

Batty Betty Part VII by four_legged_tripod 2-15-12

Betty Donaldson, turn around and put your hands on your head. You are under arrest for the murders of Kevin Reed, Sara Meyer, and Chef Edmonds. I'll turn around as soon as you take off your sunglasses. You're not going to tell me what to do. I'll keep my sunglasses on if I feel like it. "Feel" like it or have to because you're allergic to the sun Officer Vlad? I'm here live at the West School gym where "Bat-Shit Betty" was gunned down by police after she came after them with a wooden stake.

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"Humiliation is humiliation only when you choose to suffer." ~ Chuck Palahniuk, Choke

cc497 by mandingo 2-15-12

you have peeked zee wrong alley, leettle girl. before i drain your sveet, sveet blood, let me tell you about zee destroyer you had zee misfortune to meet tonight for thouseends of years, rulers have quaked at my name. i've made mountains crumble and ceeties burn. i've changed zee course of history... with a seengle bite! but i'm a virgin. even as a bat. eet's weird. and sometimes i wet 'um. are zee two related? i don't know. and zis one time i tried to steeck my deeck een my hot neighbor's dog. i can still hear you when you're mumbling behind the cape, you know. i'll just be going! hey, don't feel bad. vampire virgins make up half my school.

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what if ****** meant kite

On a Hollywood Movie Set by kaufman 2-15-12

CUT! You idiot! We've only filmed three minutes of the movie and you've already killed the head vampire! You heard her. She wouldn't **** me. What was I supposed to do? I don't care! What I care about is we now have 117 more minutes of this vampire movie to film, and we have NO FREAKING VAMPIRES! Look, I'm sorry. I suffer from premature e-draculation. There, I've said it! Now leave me be.

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ken.kaufman@gmail.com

CC 497: THE ROMANCING OF 'ROBOT-REDD' Pt.I by bigworm 2-16-12

Hey, thanks for stopping man! I was just wondering, would it be cool if I sucked a little of your blood? Wow, uhhh... geez, I honestly don't know what to say. This is a first for me. Furthermore, we don't even know each other. I didn't ask you to marry me, I just asked you to... You mean premarital bloodsucking? If that's what you call it. Absolutely not! No ring, no blood

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bigworm

CC 497: THE ROMANCING OF 'ROBOT-REDD' Pt.II by bigworm 2-16-12

So are you saying if I give you a ring now, with the promise of marrying later, I'll get a quart of blood now? Yup. I'll just pull a washer outta' my ass and this sucker won't know the difference. Okay, so... I've gotta' ring for ya' right here! Wow! I'm so excited! I'm getting a stainless steel engagement washer!

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bigworm

CC 497: THE ROMANCING OF 'ROBOT-REDD' Pt.III by bigworm 2-16-12

Okay, I'm sorry I tried to dupe you... forgive me? We have to learn how to forgive and forget if we're gonna be married. I forgive you! Oh boy! We're gonna' live happily ever after with blood to drink! Yeh! Happily ever right after! Yeh! Happily ever right after? Yeh, happily ever right after you get in the car and suck my ****.

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bigworm

CC497: Robotic Vampire High School Romance by fpd 2-16-12

Galatea, there's something I've been meaning to tell you. How can I put this? I know what you want to tell me. You're a vampire, and it is totally okay. You're really okay with this? Of course it is. I love you. I just ask one thing. Don't drink the blood of humans, because then the first law of robotics would compel me to stop you. That's not a problem. I'm an energy vampire. I drain electricity from other robots. I'm okay with that. None of the three laws compel me to care about other robots.

CC497: Robotic Vampire Bedroom Romance by fpd 2-16-12

There's something else I must tell you, Galatea. I've never been with a fembot before, at least not like this. I don't think I'm equipped. That's okay. I keep some spare attachments for manbots. You ****! Are you telling me I'm not your first? What are you afraid of? A computer virus? No, I mean you're my first love, and I hoped I was yours too. I'm touched. I really am. I do love you, but perhaps this is as good a time as any to mention that you're in a love triangle.

CC497: Robotic Romantic Rivalry by fpd 2-16-12

So you're the one who has been making time with my girlfriend. Galatea is my girlfriend, you abomination of science! Hey, there is nothing wrong with being assembled from used robot parts from different makes, models, and manufacturers! No, it's obscene. There is no purity of vision in your design! I'm a PC, you stupid Mac elitist! That's how we roll! No, I can't accept it! And I can't accept Galatea being with such a haphazard array of parts!

CC497: The End of Robotic Vampire Romance by fpd 2-16-12

Oh my Jobs, Galatea! What has happened? Did your other suitor try to take spare parts from you? ... As Jobs is my witness, I will track him down and make him pay for what he has done to you! No, it really isn't that. It's a robo-venereal virus. Thank Jobs we never had robo-sex! About that. We actually did it wirelessly. So you better run a system check just in case.

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FPD is the foremost plague on discussion boards. Do your part to stomp out FPD.

And that's how we get hamburger. by mandingo 2-17-12

i just can't seem to get laid. you ever have that problem? can't say as i have. your mom sucks my **** every time i forget to lock the door *click* she'll just break a window.

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what if ****** meant kite

CC 497: THE TASTE OF GRANNY by bigworm 2-17-12

Granny, could you help me? I can't seem to suck anybody's blood at all! Well, I don't know what I can do to help you. I thought maybe you could lay on the couch and lift your chin up, and let me have a little taste. Taste? That cape's kinda' stupid lookin'!

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bigworm

Twilight of Biff by biped 2-17-12

Have you seen the new "Twilight" movie yet? Oh, I just totally love vampires! (drool!) Hmm...Debbie loves vampires... Maybe if I hang around in this cave long enough, one of the vampire bats will bite me and turn me into a vampire. Biff, I'm afraid you have...rabies. Rabies, eh? Is that anything like being a vampire?

Twilight of Biff 2 by biped 2-17-12

How about a soda, Biff? Well, I'm really thirsty for one, but they frighten me. I guess I'll just wander around this haunted house until a vampire bites me. Debbie, a vampire bit me and turned me into a vampire, but my rabies killed him, and since he was the head vampire then I quit being a vampire. Oh, Biff, you're pathetic.

Twilight of Biff 3 by biped 2-17-12

Mom, I got rabies and temporarily became a vampire to impress Debbie, but she still thinks I'm pathetic. Oh, my. Your father used to just give me daffodils. By the way, I sleep in a coffin on a layer of my native soil. And crave blood. Did you get the daffodils? Biff, stop calling my daughter or I'll have you arrested. Biff, girls only like pretend emo movie vampires. Not real ones. Oh. Well, I guess I've just been wasting my time, then. Thanks, Vicki.

Twilight of Biff 4 by biped 2-17-12

Guess what, everybody? My new boyfriend's a vampire! A REAL vampire! What the...but, I thought... Father, I need to know what the Bible says about how to get revenge on vampires. (sigh) Biff, you really should actually read it sometime. It's not a big comic book. You must be Biff. I'm Debbie's new boyfriend, Todd--the sensitive emo vampire. Yeah, well you can have her. I just came over to get my daffodils back.

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Legend, oh legend, the third wheel legend...always in the way.

RCL no. 2834 by RandomComicLayoutGuy 2-20-12

How's this? You need to lift your arms higher. Like how I'm doing it... How 'bout now? HIGHER! Being a vampire SUCKS! You have snatched the pebble from my hand, Grasshopper!

Groovy! - Twilight of Biped by edoggydog 2-20-12

Next on ET, a preview from the new movie, "Twilight: New Biff". It's the sequel to last summer's hit movie, "Twilight of Biff"... Groovy! I never did get my daffodils back... Are you going to order something or not, mister? Looks like they have another sparkling hit on their hands! I think I'll abstain from watching that suck-ass movie.

Count Blackula and the Undefined Sexuality Disorder by Beeko180 2-17-12

Hey count blackula! I'm clarice! I guess you have a big **** huh? I have no blood in my body... I can't get an erection... Wanna scissor? Are you gay? I don't uhm... I don't know. I'm just so confused.

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You have my most solemn and honourbound of vows that clicking this link will not direct you to a youtube video of a rick roll

RCL no. 2838 by RandomComicLayoutGuy 2-21-12

What are you doing? I'm causing myself to bleed so you will be tempted to suck my blood and turn me into a vampire! I've told you a MILLION times I am no longer turning humans into vampires, and there is absolutely NO WAY you'll ever convince me to change my mind! You are so OBSTINATE! No, I'm ABSTINENT... There's a difference. Either way, I now have a nail stuck in my forehead...