A is for Amy who fell down the stairs.
B is for Basil assaulted by bears.
C is for Clara who wasted away.
D is for Desmond thrown out of a sleigh.
E is for Ernest who choked on a peach.
F is for Fanny sucked dry by a leech.
...

Thus begins Edward Gorey's The Gashlycrumb Tinies, a charming illustrated poem about how 26 children meet gruesome untimely dooms. If you haven't had the pleasure of experiencing the whole thing, you can find an online copy here.

Anyway, we can see that the poem has the following characteristics:

1. It has an even number of lines.
   
2. Each pair of lines rhymes.
   
3. Each line begins with a successive letter of the alphabet, and takes the form letter is for word starting with that letter, followed by some descriptive text.

Your mission is to compose such a poem consisting of 4-26 lines, starting with any letter.

There is one difference between your poem and Mr. Gorey's: Rather than each line being an obituary, each line must be a Rule, such as you see in these comic contests.

You must then submit, along with your poem, a comic compliant with the rules you made.

For example, I whipped this one off:

...D is for Death who's claiming a squirrel.
...E is for Elephant on an alien world.
...F is for Fifteen syllables in the title.
...G is for Grassy -- this background is vital.

Paired with rhyme this is a legal entry but make yours funny by kaufman 1-04-02

Ok, earthling, what are you doing here on our home planet? I forget... Wait, that's silly, an elephant never forgets! So? What are you doing here? Hey, that reminds me, I forgot to take my pet squirrel with me. I hope he't all right! Rar. Lerriuqs will a******** you. NO ONE TALKS TO DEATH THAT WAY, MORTAL. YOU'RE MINE!

You'll be judged on humor and creativity, but hardly at all on meter and quality of rhymes. You can expect to hear back from me 78 hours from now with a winner.

---
ken.kaufman@gmail.com

I have no life.

A - Asian girls, both must appear
B - boorite, holding his beer.
C - cornholing, done not by Tobor
D - Dpor's sexy *****, referenced by Dpor.
E - End, same as the start
F - five, amount (of dollar, not of fart!)
G - gay, which someone must be
H - hell, the last background you'll see.
I - inaccuracy about someone's race
J - jacking off, which must take place.
K - Kaufman, name in the title and only that section
L - language other than English dialection.
M - mind, one must be changed (yet remain in the head)
N - Nike, whose slogan is said.
O - ovulation, but no PMS
P - prize of five dollez!
Q - Quayle, whose spelling you'll find
R - room, of the bed kind.
S - sucky, two characters' occupation
T - trees, background used in moderation.
U - uppers (drugs, dumb****)
V - victory, the goal of the girls, wish them good luck!
W - "wank off", I must use this phrase
X - x-ray, to detect an AIDS phase.
Y - yellow, the color of narration the third
Z - zoo, where the end occured.

CC90: Sucky Contest Created By Kaufman by TheElPaso 1-04-02

It's just five dollars. Well, I'm homosexual. On second thought, I'm bi. Just do it! LRIGNIASA will ******** you! Or maybe just some light sex, because it's my period and I'm on uppers and I don't want a negative X-ray. My big sexy ***** is currently masturbating, but my big sexy ***** has stopped so my big sexy ***** can tell you "wank off". At the zoo: I'm the better German girl, because I stole a potatoe. Was gewinne ich? It's just five dollars.

Go me!

---
My love for you is like diarrhea, I just can't hold it in. -Weird Al Yankovic

A is for animal, one must appear.
B is for blue, which a character must wear.
C is for country, to which one must be reffered
D is for doll, whose talking must be heard.
E is for ear, only one per panel we may see.
F is for fingers, must be a multiple of three.
G is for girls and guys, the males must equal the females.
H is for human, one per panel that entails.
I is for I, to themselves a character should have referred.
J is for joined, two panels must be merged.
K is for killing, which a character must have done.
L is for lonely, the characters per panel must not exceed one.
M is for movie, of any type that one would see.
N is for nothing, one empty panel there must be.
O is for outside the panel all must face.
P is for position, the right side is the place.
Q is for quickly, a deadline must draw near.
R is for RAAR, like what Tobor would make you hear.
S is for smiles the characters will wear today.
T is for tall, the height limit must be exceeded by what one has to say.
U is for upset, it must be one of those angry days.
V is for voice, which someone must raise.
W is for wall, the fourth one must be broke.
X is for XXX, no sexual references must be spoke.
Y is for youth, there must be a child.
Z is for zesty, eat some mexican food--which is mild.

CC 90: One panel, Twenty-six rules by BigEvilDan 1-04-02

RAAR!! I'M AN KILLER DOLL FROM SOME JAPANESE MOVIE!! HOW DARE THE AUTHOR GIVE ME THIS MILD, UNSATISFYING BURRITO!!! I WANT A NEW ONE...AND SOON!! I'M WARNING YOU DAN!!!! That many rules in a single panel? I have a bad feeling about this.

---
"Oh, look, a joke! How original! Thank you, but if I wanted my emotions stimulated pleasurably, I'd get a *****." - Donald B. Jones III

a is for a man who must be in the strip
b is for brialant strip, it must not be a tip
c is for crazzy, a charictar is mad
d is for dipresed, he is all so sad
e is for elafant must be in one time
f is for **** the name that is mine
g is for goock, the asain girl must be in
h is for ****, same as abbove, Jim!!
i is for intaggar, thare must be a number
j is for joke there has to be a funy one somwhare
k is for kastraited, one charictar must be
l is for lake, wich you can see
m is for mad, a charictar is crazy
n is for 9, thare has to be 9 in the strip dont be lazzy
o is for officar of poleece, thats a charictars job
p is for post women, thats an other charicatars job
q is for queen, a charictar is gay and proud
r is for ****, no rapping aloud!!
s is for sex non of thgat hear!!
t is for the devil, hes in hear
u is for unckell, some one is some ones unckell
v is for vere in hel!!, we have to see hell
w is for what, that word shold be some whare
x is for xray we shold see throgh some ones skin and hare
y is for why, that word shold also be in it
z is for zuperb, the strip must not make you want to bin it
hear we go!!

i dont want to bin this strip do you. by fuck 1-04-02

helo im a man, the mad ******* infact. this strip is brilant, but im dipresred. why whats rong be cuase i want to **** this **** goock (who is all so my neece) hear but ive been kastraited!! i havent rapped any one for 9 minute's, oh look were in a lake and ive been xraid, how strange ive got a job in the poleece so you cant **** me any more, all so i am a post woman infact, i mite even be turnin gay!! im proud but wait what dos the bibball say about gay peepel? well come to hell

---
sex

A is for Asiangirl1 on the rag,
B is for Background that forms a French flag,
C is for Cornholed by Tobor the Great,
D is for Death, who arrived a bit late.

Cinnamon Toasty Apple Jacks ® by Namgubed 1-04-02

We closed! Me have headache! You go home now! TOBOR HAS PAID IN ADVANCE AND DEMANDS SERVICE!!! Aaaaah! I pray for sweet release of death before friction burns cause spontaneous combustion! RAAR!!! TOBOR CORNHOLE YOU LONG TIME!!! *sob* I have GOT to remember to get that watch fixed.

E is for Elf who is bearing a gift,
F is for Flight through a space-time rift,
G is for Gohan from Dragonball Z
H is for "Holocaust Hits NYC".

DBZ Episodes that Thankfully Don't Exist by Namgubed 1-04-02

Gohan! I felt a disturbance in the Force. You must go back in time to avert certain disaster in New York! I'd go, but my gifts are needed up here. I'll hop in my time capsule right away, Piccolo! Ooh, look at all that smoke. However ... Aaargh! There's a malfunction in the Dimensional Rift Generator! Sure enough ... Yo, man, I gots da "United We Stand" bumper stickers, painted silver coins, car flags, and check out these patriotic watches, bro! How much for a flux capacitor and a DeLorean?

---
"There's no point in beating a dead horse ... except, of course, for the pure joy of it." - A. Whitney Brown

K is for Kaufman, knee deep in ****,
L is for laxative, that just won't quit,
M is for mistake, that our heroine maked,
N is for narration, cuz the plot's half-baked.

CC 90: B is for a "Bad" strip, which I have myself to blame by israphael 1-05-02

Oh man, I'm late for work. Honey, you're going to have to give the cat his pills. I left them on the dining table. Later That Day This constipation is killing me. Why aren't these pills working? Wait a second, this is the cat's thyroid medicine. Damn, looks like I have to change the litter box again.

---
"Nothing expresses the brutal grandeur of rectal polyps and anal fistulae quite like the mother-tongue of Goethe."

O is for Orgasm, to a child be explained
P is for Parent, Spankling's the name
Q is for Quote, just one, no more
R is for Rules, ignore all four

CC90: too many rules make my head explode by KajunFirefly 1-05-02

well, you heard the man, go and explain to Alice what an orgasm is! but...the last rule....it says ignore them all! but you can't follow the last rule if you've to ignore it, so you'd better go and do it now, remember, use a quote! but....but...I can't follow the rest of the rules without following the last one, which tells me to "ignore all four", which means....uh....uh... oh my head! aaaaaahhhh, it's like burning!! it is?

---
Dad was flammable | kajunfirefly@gmail.com

A is for Alcyonae , whiny and Gothic
B is for Biscuit which Andy Makes Toxic
C is for Crabby with comics amazin.
D is for Dougan , stalked by young Kajun.
E is for Entry , with Tobor , in Eric.
F is for Fuzzyman , no picture , generic.

CC 90 - C is for Comic. by Kevin_Keegans_Perm 1-05-02

YOU ALL HATE ME. AND I HATE MYSELF. AND NOBODY LOVES ME. I AM A TEENAGE GOTH ANGST QUEEN I wish i had been born covered in chocolate. Damn this game. I DO NOT SUCK DICK! Erm , you do. And i could prove it if Kajun wasnt stalking me. RAAR! TOBOR WILL CORNHOLE ERIC! I have starred in every generic comic strip. I chug so much cum , im a one ***** biscuit game!

---
"Life Sucks, Then you Die. The bit inbetween isnt very funny either"

I vote for Namgubed

---
eat pie, and curry too

quote:

---

I vote for Namgubed

---

You havent quite got the hang of these contests , have you.

---
"Life Sucks, Then you Die. The bit inbetween isnt very funny either"

Well I didnt see anywhere to sign up to be a judge on this one so I assumed it was open to anyone who wanted to, like all the forum users

---
eat pie, and curry too

A is for Asimov's laws of robotics, which all robots must obey.
B is for Bog, whose name someone must say.
C is for Cute, which someone must be.
D is for DexX, whose artwork we must see.
E is for Explodingdog, whose robot must appear.
F if for Fire, which someone must fear.
G is for Grey, which must be in the cast.
H is for Human, which someone must have been in the past.
I is for Ireland, where the strip must take place.
J is for a Jerkcity character with a weird face.
K is for a Koshka, which someone must hold.
L is for a Lesson, which must be told.
M is for a Machine who lives as a freak.
N is for Nadsat, which someone must speak.
O is for the Ocean, which must be seen.
P is for a Person, who must be mean.
Q is for Queerness, which someone must extole.
R is for Red Robot, who must not ********.
S is for a Spaceman someone has caught.
T is for Tobor, the big Red Robot.
U is for Ulster, in the north of Erin.
V is for a Villain who is also a woman.
W is for a Woman who got a second chance to live.
X is for Xenophobia as the villain's motive.
Y is for the Youthfulness of our villainess.
Z is for Zealotry that ends in a mess.

CC90: Trouble in Ireland, part 1 by fpd 1-04-02

One day in Northern Ireland ... Ha, ha, ha, ha! I have captured you, you wicked alien, and you will no longer be able to corrupt Irish culture with your devilish crop circles. You sodding gloopy soomka, my droogs will save me. We're here, and we're queer, and there's nothing you can do about it. Oh yeah! We'll see about that. Tobor, whack this alien upside the head! I cannot comply mistress. The first law of robotics prevents me from harming a human being. What the sodding hell is wrong with you?! Are your brains made out of cal? This is a grahzny alien, not a human being. Excuse my faulty programming, but all you fleshlings are the same to me. I cannot discriminate between you.

CC90: Trouble in Ireland, part 2 by fpd 1-04-02

Look at his eyes, Tobor. Human beings don't have crazy, whacked-out eyes like that, and they don't have grey skin either. I just checked my database on humans. You are correct. I will now whack him upside the head. Meanwhile ... We need your help. Colleen has kidnapped Rands. Your expertise in robotics will help us defeat her robot Tobor. That lass is so mean, she pulls the tails of cats. Of course I'll help you, Pants. Well, if it isn't the cat-lover. Aren't humans good enough for you, felinophile! You are just a xenophobe, Colleen, and I am here to put a stop to your evil ways.

CC90: Trouble in Ireland, part 3 by fpd 1-05-02

Ha! You will do nothing of the sort. Tobor, grab the koshka from this species-traitor! Do not do as she says, Tobor. You will hurt me if you hurt my cat. I cannot do as you ask, mistress. His appeal to first law overrides your command. Arrrgh! The lesson of this story is that the laws of robotics make robots useless! Bog blast you! I will stop you myself! Stop this fighting! I mustn't let you two humans harm each other.

CC90: Trouble in Ireland, part 4 by fpd 1-05-02

Look at yourself, Colleen. You're like no woman born. Arrrgh! No! No! The fire! Keep it away! Keep it away! A robot wouldn't fight me. You must be a cyborg. Keep it away! Keep it away! I'm burning! I'm burning up! There's no fire, Colleen. You're having a flashback. I am not a cyborg! I am a human being--a human being, Bog damn you, a human being.

CC90: Trouble in Ireland, part 5 by fpd 1-05-02

You're in serious denial, little Colleen. Cyborgs are freaks! I am hu-- No, you're right. I am a cyborg. What happened to you, Colleen? My body was burned in a fire, and my brain was put in this new robot body. But technology gave you a gift. What could you hate about super powers and longer life? Enough of your transhumanist propaganda! My humanity was leaking away. All I could do to hold onto it was to put on a humaniform skin and persecute non-humans.

[Click to view comic: 'CC90: Trouble in Ireland, part 6']

---
FPD is the foremost plague on discussion boards. Do your part to stomp out FPD.

A is for Apple, there must be none of those
B is for Black, all backgrounds must be this without a hose
C is for cat, none of these
D is for Dead, no dead people especially on trees
E is for Effort, as little as possible must be used
F is for Firemen, these must be refused
G is for Gabe, he must not appear
H is for Horse, it must not be here
I is for Igloo, are not a choice
J is for Job, no-one can have one including Boyce
K is for Kat, incorrect spellings are disallowed
L is for Loud, no words must be said a loud
M is for Midget, no mocking of small people
N is for Nerds, these are disallowed clever people
O is for Oxygen, it must not be visible
P is for Pig, it must be invisible
Q is for Quiet, the comic must be this
R is for Rattlesnake, it cannot hiss
S is for Sex and Swearing, disallowed because kids are reading
T is for Tools, no garden tools, they are for seeding
U is for Utopia, cannot be in comic
V is for Violin, cannot be used to play with a ****
W is for Water, none of this can flood
X is for X-ray, Not allowed along with mud
Y is for Yemen, not in any slot
Z is for Zebra, any cannot be a ****

CC 90: Following my own rules by Bazilla 1-05-02

---
I am not 16 going on not 17, I know that I'm naive.

A is for Apple
B is for Banana
C is for Carrot
D is for Donkey
E is for Egg
F is for Freckles

cc90: apple's and banana's by Skabby_Firefly 1-05-02

Apple Banana Carrot Dog Egg Freckles

---
eat pie, and curry too

A is for AssHuge who worships Mr_Jass
B is for Bobby Hill who worships Mr_Jass
C is for Crap who worships Mr_Jass
D is for Dexter and also for Deedee who worship Mr_Jass
E is for Emily Dick-in-son who worships Mr_Jass
F est pour la France qui adore Mr_Jass
G is for Gabe who worships Mr_Jass
H is for Hooker who worships Mr_Jass
I is for Ivy who worships Mr_Jass
J is for Jim Bob who worships Mr_Jass
K is for Kitty who worships Mr_Jass
L is for Lex Luger who worships Mr_Jass
M is for Martian who worships Mr_Jass
N is for Nobody who doesn't worship Mr_Jass
O is for Oliver Clozoff who worships Mr_Jass
P is for Pedantic who worships Mister Jass
Q is for Quaker who worships Mr_Jass
R is for Raini who worships Mr_Jass (then guzzles cum)
S is for Shi Thead who worships Mr_Jass
T is for Tobor who worships Mr_Jass
U is for Uncle Skabby who worships Mr_Jass
V is for Victory who worships Mr_Jass
W is for Wirthling who worships Mr_Jass
X is for xpacwhoisnotallowedtoworshipmrjass
Y is for YumYumCum who worships Mr_Jass
Z is for Zi Thead, Shi's brother, who worships Mr_Jass

2+2 is for by Mr_Jass 1-05-02

We all think you're god!

---
"I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown." -- mrjass@mindless.com

quote:

---

Well I didnt see anywhere to sign up to be a judge on this one so I assumed it was open to anyone who wanted to, like all the forum users

---

This contest has a single judge, the person who started it. This is the tradition for this series of contests. The winner of each Comics Contest starts and judges the next one.

---
FPD is the foremost plague on discussion boards. Do your part to stomp out FPD.

N is for Night, day's other aspect,
O is for Opposite, of what you expect,
P is for Plot, where you put your graves,
R is for Rohypnol, like you get at raves,
S is for Spankling, who plays everyone's fool,
T is for Tobor, who has a really big tool.

Why is Tobor always the victim? by israphael 1-05-02

TOBOR! Get the hell away from me! I don't want any trouble from you. TOBOR SORRY. TOBOR WANT TO BURY HATCHET WITH SPANKLING. LET TOBOR BUY YOU DRINK. I suppose there's no harm in that. Wait a second, I don't feel so good. What's happening? BWA HA HA HA! YOU FELL INTO MY TRAP! I AM GOING TO MAKE YOU MY BITCH, KILL YOU, AND DISPOSE OF YOUR BODY! BWA HA HA HA! What the hell am I doing here with a shovel in my hand?

---
"Nothing expresses the brutal grandeur of rectal polyps and anal fistulae quite like the mother-tongue of Goethe."

A is for Aaaaay, as the Fonz used to say.
B is for Bee, who might be gay.
C is for C, a language to program in.
D is for Dee, a beautiful woman.
E is for Eeeeeeee, as a woman might cry.
F is for the F word, which is not for your eye.
G is for Gee, as one might exclaim.
H is for Hentai, which is not the same.
I for I, the author of this strip.
J is for Jay, a guy Dee thinks is a dip.
K is for Kay, one of Dee's best friends.
L is for L' the definite article before a vowel in French.
M is for M, the Roman numeral one thousand.
N is for 'N, a contraction of and.
O is for Oh, a mild exclamation.
P is for Pee, which is urination.
Q is for a Queue that seems to go to Mars.
R is for Arrrrrrrrrrgh!, which has so many r's.
S is for Sew, a needle pulling thread.
T is for Tea, a drink with jam and bread.
U is for U, who will be reading this alive.
V is for V, the Roman numeral five.
W is for a W particle, 80 times heavier than a proton.
X is for X, the Roman numeral ten.
Y is for the Y, where you might meet a creep.
Z is for Z, which you catch many of when you sleep.

CC90: N Q 4 L'adies room @ Y by fpd 1-05-02

Arrrrrrrrrrgh! I've been waiting in line for like MXV hours. Oh Kay, I so have to pee. I know what U mean, Dee. I wish I hadn't drank all that tea before coming to the Y. It's like this queue reaches all the way to Mars. Gee, I'm going to catch some Z's while I stand in this line. I need to be awake for my hentai shoot at L'erotic Comix. I'm going to sew a program in C, 'N I'm going to do my homework on W particles. Aaaaay, U F-in' ho, I hate your comix. Eeeeeeee! It's Jay. Get lost. You're a dip.

---
FPD is the foremost plague on discussion boards. Do your part to stomp out FPD.

A is for anal, a hole for to ****
B is for billings carrying tape
C is for cat curled up in an arm
D is for donkey who sounds the alarm

Protecting Your Pussy by Spankling 1-05-02

NO! You can't babysit my cat again! He almost lost his head up his own ass during a bath after your last visit! TOBOR BE NICE! USE SPECIAL KITTY LUBE THIS TIME! And what do YOU want? I want to help TOBOR watch your cat. And I've got this duct tape - I could secure his orifice if it makes you feel better. Or maybe I should just line it... What do you think? Should I trust them? GRAB YOUR WOMEN, CHILDREN AND LIVE STOCK AND RUN MAN RUN!!!

---
"Jelly-belly gigglin, dancin and a-wigglin, honey that's the way I am!" Janice the Muppet

quote:

---

hear we go!!

i dont want to bin this strip do you. by fuck 1-04-02

helo im a man, the mad ******* infact. this strip is brilant, but im dipresred. why whats rong be cuase i want to **** this **** goock (who is all so my neece) hear but ive been kastraited!! i havent rapped any one for 9 minute's, oh look were in a lake and ive been xraid, how strange ive got a job in the poleece so you cant **** me any more, all so i am a post woman infact, i mite even be turnin gay!! im proud but wait what dos the bibball say about gay peepel? well come to hell

---

That's it. We can declare the contest over now.

---
"America loves its kings, from George III to Larry." --HJS

quote:

---

F is for Fanny sucked dry by a leech.

---

Some people take cunnilingus way too far.

quote:

---

quote:

---

Well I didnt see anywhere to sign up to be a judge on this one so I assumed it was open to anyone who wanted to, like all the forum users

---

This contest has a single judge, the person who started it. This is the tradition for this series of contests. The winner of each Comics Contest starts and judges the next one.

---

So when do I get my go?

---
eat pie, and curry too

quote:

---

quote:

---

F is for Fanny sucked dry by a leech.

---

Some people take cunnilingus way too far.

---

*smacks forehead*

Or felching, for our transatlantic chums.

No, felching is something else entirely.

Exactly. So are fannies in the new world.