Hi there all. This post is to both brag and ask for help. I just passed a test to audition for Jeopardy (that's the game show and not the situation, which doesn't require auditions)... I'm wondering if anyone here has ever tried out for the show, and if so could tell me somewhat what to expect. I'm doing this tomorrow at 7 SCT, too. I wanna be on Jeopardy, damn it!

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- christ@myself.com - fuck a cat, kill yourself - my alter ego has five stars

I did it up at Paramount studios in Culver City. They seat you in the audience and then fifty questions are shown and read to you over a big screen tv. You have like 6 seconds to answer each question, or however long it is on the show if you ring in. I can't remember what passing score it...maybe 35 out of 50. I just know I didn't make it and thought about each question on my way home trying to figure out which ones I goofed on, because you don't get to see your test or even know what your final score was. I missed 6 because I didn't even have guesses, I also missed a Shakespeare question because I wrote "Two Gentlemen From Verona" instead of "The Two Gentlemen OF Verona."

The questions are hard, probably all $1000 questions (or whatever the high value is right now, I haven't watched it in a couple years). There were maybe 50 people trying out and 4 passed. If you pass, you stay while all the losers like me are ushered out. then you do a mock game with the buzzers and everything. Passing the test is not a guarantee that you will be on the show. They want to see what you'd look like on tv, how you dress, speak, carry yourself, and ensure you don't choke when the lights are on. I never did see the 4 people who passed in my group actually make it on the show--two were absolute freaks.

Does that help? Good luck!

All that? Vanna told me I had a lock on it after she sat on my face for a few hours! I was wondering why she hasn't called back all these years.

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"Jelly-belly gigglin, dancin and a-wigglin, honey that's the way I am!" Janice the Muppet

Ah, Jeopardy, the Irish gameshow.

Hint: Don't use ebonics or use illicit inhaled drugs on set, they don't like that.

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I am a Strange One/'His world is small.'/ 'I love hunting foxes - Ginger Bastards!'/ 'They weren't aiming at us, Not at my house' - Dead Prez/ The Pravda-Raï Party: Triumphing over Diversity

Answer: What is Jeopardy?

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Dad was flammable

Remember that any sentence can be made into a question by adding "eh?" to the end of it. That way you can stay within the rules and make Trebek feel at home.

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"Oh, look, a joke! How original! Thank you, but if I wanted my emotions stimulated pleasurably, I'd get a whore." - Donald B. Jones III

'Trebek'? Even the guy's name is backward?

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I am a Strange One/'His world is small.'/ 'I love hunting foxes - Ginger Bastards!'/ 'They weren't aiming at us, Not at my house' - Dead Prez/ The Pravda-Raï Party: Triumphing over Diversity

My advice: don't start yelling stuff like "FEER ME, TREBEK!!!" He doesn't like it, and he's probably not there for the test, anyway.

Oh, and don't press the buzzer with your butt.

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Life is a lot like getting mugged; you get your kicks, you take your punches, and when it's over, someone else gets your cash.

And Yes... I knew Vanna was on wheel of fortune.

What is "duh" Alex?

I just didn't tell her that.

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"Jelly-belly gigglin, dancin and a-wigglin, honey that's the way I am!" Janice the Muppet

If you make the cut, just remember that this is, basically: show business. It's Alex's job to keep a palpable tension on the set because people who can't even begin to deal with the content of the show intellectually also tune in, and watch the sponsor's ads, just to see who falls on their face. I'd like to say "Stay loose", but that doesn't make it. Stay as uptight as a maiden aunt on the Bronx Express subway at 3:00 A.M.

Smile, nod, remain stoic, and... focused on the board. Fuck Alex. Let him natter on and make his little jibes and just nod and smile and stay focused on the flow of the information and your own train of thought. Have a sense of elan about yourself. Feel confident even if you're falling on your ass. That's a huge part of surviving in public. You're the big deal. You're intellectual prowess is the raison d` etre for the whole event. Believe that. Oh yeah, and if anybody asks, tell them all about how you always dreamed of being on this show and how excited you are. They eat that BS up with a spoon.

That's why everybody on the show is usually so wooden. You've got a live audience, pen gizmos, about 40,000 watts of fresnels and moving lights around you, audio in the house bouncing around, monitors everywhere....

Screw that. Stay focused on the board. If you treat it lilke a very stressful job, which, basically, it is; you'll kick ass.

Good luck.

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I wanted my half in the middle and I wound up on the edge.

What is the title of this comic? by kaufman 8-11-03

Hi, Steve. What is hello? It's an informal form of greeting. What is a wave? It's an oscillating pattern in the height of water ... and you do realize you're being quite annoying. You'd better have a good reason for talking like that. What is I'm training for Jeopardy?

What is the name of the second baseman? by kaufman 8-11-03

There's no way to train for Jeopardy. What is an utterly false statement? Heh. Ok, I'll play this game. Three ways to train for Jeopardy. What are the Stanley Kaplan Jeopardy course, watching the "I Lost on Jeopardy" video over and over again, and speaking exclusively in questions? Alone, if you don't cut this out. Where am I going to be sleeping between now and my Jeopardy tryout?

What has six legs and a pair of antennas? by kaufman 8-11-03

Forget Potent Potables and World Geography for a moment. The category is Our Relationship! I'd like to make it a true daily double, Alex. You're suggesting a threesome with my sister aren't you. What is YES!!!

What is where is this all leading to? by kaufman 8-11-03

What is what is the verdict? What is you'll have your hands full with me and Melissa? What is why are you speaking in questions too? What is it won't be THAT kind of threesome? What is what the fuck are you talking about? What are the two of us are going against you on Jeopardy, the taping is Monday, and see you there?

(Oh, and the answers to the four title questions: (1) What is the title of this comic?, (2) What, (3) Steve, Alex and Melissa watching Jeopardy on his old tv, and (4) Read the damn comic and find out!)

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ken.kaufman@gmail.com

thanks, everyone. as i type this i'm about to head out to the audition. i'll let you know as soon as i get back (:

ch

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- christ@myself.com - fuck a cat, kill yourself - my alter ego has five stars

well, Choadwarrior, it was more or less like you remembered, except they never tell you what the passing score is (they only say it's "a lot"). in my group there were 65 people and about a dozen passed, among whom i was not. i did, however, learn that about 1300 people took that screening test yesterday and only 130 passed, so that makes me feel a little better.

for the rest of my life, i'll wake up in cold sweats screaming "coup de grace, dammit, coup de grace!" (that would be the only answer i totally knew and couldn't come up with). for the record, the Clue Crew (TM) said i should tell everyone i missed the cut by one question, so:

I MISSED THE CUT BY ONE FREAKING QUESTION!

(:

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- christ@myself.com - fuck a cat, kill yourself - my alter ego has five stars

quote:

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I MISSED THE CUT BY ONE FREAKING QUESTION!

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Waugh, Kaufman, that was actually mildly funny. Apart from the final one.

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I am a Strange One/'His world is small.'/ 'I love hunting foxes - Ginger Bastards!'/ 'They weren't aiming at us, Not at my house' - Dead Prez/ The Pravda-Raï Party: Triumphing over Diversity