All comics by AccentuateNegative

Profile

 

Hey, we wanna take you out for your birthday. Anywhere you want, just name the place.
You guys are great! How about the Prado at Balboa Park?
I don't want to go there.
Anywhere else. Just name the place.

 

Hey, thanks for loaning us money for rent this month--things are really tight.
Yeah, don't worry, we'll pay you back before the end of the month.
No problem. You guys have any plans later?
I have to go home and bid on some crap on Ebay.
I have to go and buy some pot.

 

Of all my friends, I never thought you'd turn out to be the gay one.
It wasn't really my choice.
But you don't act gay at all and you've had girlfriends.
You know how you spent $4,000 to laser the hair on your back, but then it returned anyway?
Yeah.
It's kinda like that.

 

So why did you finally decide to come out?
I just got tired of pretending.
That you liked girls?
No, that I liked the clothes people bought for me.

 

So how did you break the news to your girlfriend?
I just don't think it's going to work out. I want a lover and a best friend.
But that's exactly what I want!
Yeah, but my best friend is Steve.

 

Do you ever go back to your high school or college homecoming games?
Nah.
Oh, it's great. I was a band fag so I get together with all the other band fags I knew and all the band fags from other classes.
I wish you'd use a term other than "band fag."
Why? Are you gay?
Yes, but not in a marching band kind of way.

 

Hey--We'll pay you back tomorrow. How much do we owe you again?
$450.
We can't afford that.
We'll definitely have $100 by next week.

 

I'll still hang out with you, but just don't tell me any details of your sex life, okay?
Can I tell people that your best friend is a fag?

 

Hey, hottie--wanna hook-up with me and my boyfriend?
Well, you're kinda cute, but I'm not really into three-ways.
We only play together.
Yeah, you can't split us up.
Ugly beats scissors. Everybody loses.

 

I hope you realize that you've doomed yourself to hell with your deviant lifestyle.
Whatever you're selling, I'm not buying.
I'd love to help you overcome your sinful ways through Christ. Which church do you belong to now?
None.
Oh, I figured you were a snake-handler.

 

So our friend Nick told me you're gay. Where do you usually go out?
I'm not really into the scene.
What do you mean?
I don't go to gay clubs all that often.
I'm sorry, can we get a translator here? It's like you're speaking a different language

 

Who else knows your dirty, little secret?
Besides you, a few other friends.
Oh, and all the guys I've had sex with.

 

Hey, man--I know we were supposed to have been there an hour ago, but she's reading a book or something.
Hmmm.
I tried to get her moving, but since it wasn't her idea, she just looked at me like I was insane.
You realize we won't get dinner until 10:00 now, right?
Trust me, I'm worse off than you.
FUCK! It's 8:00! I'm starving! What the fuck are you waiting for? Let's go eat.

 

Hey, I really like your look. What, are you into the rave scene?
No, I'm actually a fairy.
Me too.

 

Hey, you're the first repeat customer to Jes's Absinth Shack. You must have enjoyed it.
I like how you can get really drunk, but maintain focus and clarity. Unfortunately, my friends prefer other liquors.
Dude! What are you doing in my bedroom?
I've been converted to penis.
Luckily for him, I never converted to fatass.

 

Oh god--what's with your new look?
Just trying something different.
So you dyed your hair like mine, and you started wearing nihlistic t-shirts like me?
Yes.
Why?
How else am I going to fit in unless I look independent?

 

I like your new look, though. You look like a rockstar!
Let me guess--Tenacious Gay?
Notorious F.A.G.

 

How was your date last night?
God, he was boring.
I couldn't wait for him to leave...
So I could jerk off and get rid of the load I was saving in case I got lucky.

 

Yawwwwwwwwn.
It's kinda late, I guess I'd better go.
Thank god, he's finally figured out this isn't going anywhere.
So, I guess I'll talk to you whenev...
Yeah

 

You are so old.
What are you talking about? I'm only 5.
But that's 35 in dog years.
Right.
Well 35 is like 90 in gay years.

 

Where the fuck have you been? The movie started 15 minutes ago!
We had to stop at the bakery and get something to eat.
We brought you a donut.
You know I don't eat crap like that.
Cool! Can I have it?

 

I got a birthday card at work that said "Happy Birthday to a Real Chick Magnet."
Were they serious?
Yes.
HAHAHAHAHAHA!
Really, man...you need to start lisping or something.

 

Sup, dog?
You lookin' for a place to bury your bone?
I'll bet you say that to all the boys.

 

So, yer gay, huh?
Yup.
I'm totally straight, but I like gay guys for their taste.
You mean in fashion, music, and design?
Not really.

 

So I'm going to get married next year.
Oh my God! Can I plan your bachelor party?
Sure.
I'm going to get lots and lots of strippers, sluts, booze, drugs...it will be awesome!
The strippers and sluts will be chicks, right?
Of course not... you're already getting laid.

 

How come your grandma and I never hear you talk about your girlfriends?
Have you ever heard of the principle that says the most obvious explanation tends to be correct?
I know women are bitches, but don't you want that sweet poontang?

 

GAH! I hate this website.
What is it?
It's a dating site, but its never up.
I would think you'd like that.
Why?
It's gay and it always goes down on you.

 

Wanna go to Tower Records with me? I'm going to buy that new Hedwig compilation CD.
BUY? Why don't you download it?
Because it supports the Harvey Milk School.
Fuck those fags.
I'm trying.

 

Well, its getting late, I suppose I should be going.
Yeah, I have to get up early too.
I had fun tonight, we should do this again.
Hey do me a favor on your way out.
What?
Don't turn on the lights.

 

How'd your date go last night?
Oh god, he turned out to be so ugly.
So nothing happened, huh?
Worse.
You did it with an ugly guy?
I figured it was the fastest way to get him to leave.

 

So why did you think having sex with that ugly dude would get rid of him faster?
Well, you're a guy...
Yeah...
After you have sex with some random chick at her place, what's the first thing on your mind.
Getting the fuck out of th...HEY! You are pretty smart.

 

Get Real? Urbania? Hedwig? Trick? The Fluffer? L.I.E.?
Seen it. Seen it. Seen it. Seen it. Seen it. Seen it.
Speedway Junky? Common Ground? Defying Gravity? Broken Hearts Club?
Seen it. Seen it. Seen it. Seen it. Seen it. Seen it.
Is there any gay movie you haven't seen?
Are you kidding? Blockbuster knew I was gay before I did.

 

My car is broken down, can you help me?
I don't know much about cars.
Do you know anything about trannies?
Not really.
Perfect, get in my back seat.
Why does she have such a big Adam's apple?

 

Growing up, I was a real tomboy.
I guess that explains why I don't have any friends who are girls.
Well, except you.

 

So did you ever hear back from that ugly guy again?
No, that jerk.
But if you thought he was ugly and you had no interest in him, why are you mad that he hasn't called you?
Because...
I'M THE CUTE ONE!

 

I need to buy some new clothes... wanna come?
What are you looking for?
Everything. I cleared a bunch of space in my closet.
What, by coming out of it?

 

I've never met your parents. Do you take after them at all?
I don't really see it, but...
People say I have my dad's smile...
and my mom's taste in men.

 

Can I get you anything else?
I need some more wasabi.
Yeah--me too.
Here you go--a buttload of wasabi.
(The waiter really said that.)
His butt could handle more wasabi than that.
Suddenly, I don't want any.

 

Can I get you anything else?
I need some more wasabi.
Yeah--me too.
Here you go--a buttload of wasabi.
Wasabi is about the last thing I would want up my butt.
Oh, look who's picky all of a sudden.

 

You're so cute, how come you're single?
I just am.
Nobody is just single--there's always a reason behind it.
No, I'm just single.
You must be some kind of freak then.
No, but I'm beginning to think you are.

 

How come Jamie doesn't cut hair here anymore?
He went to x-ray tech school.
That's a big change.
He's done everything he can to the outside of people. I guess now he wants to work on people's insides.
No...now he just wants to get paid for doing it.

 

He didn't say anything...
That's it...I'm turning the lights back on.
You didn't notice my hair is totally different.
I don't have eyes in the back of my head, you know.

 

I really don't like nellies. I prefer someone who acts like a guy.
I hear ya.
By the way, have you met my girlfriend?
Hi...I'm Stephanie.

 

Hey, what's up guys?
In this bar?
Mostly other guys.

 

Oh, my god! The cutest boy came to my door yesterday asking about the apartment for rent next door!
Oh, yeah?
Yeah, he was blond and had a Dutch or German accent.
Was he gay?
I DON'T KNOW! Europeans are all thin and dress well--my gaydar always goes haywire with them.

 

Well?
I know you are, but what am I?

 

Why are we on this ship again?
We have to sail to international waters.
Why?
So I can throw my old hard drive overboard.
Can't you just format it and throw it away?
I thought smashing it, burning it, and spreading the ashes at sea was a safer alternative.

 

What are you doing today?
It's up in the air right now.
You aren't talking about some guy's ass again, are you?

 

How was your date last night? Did you get lucky?
Sure did.
How was it?
I feel like a new man.
That good, huh?
No, I mean I feel like giving some other guy a turn.

 

Hi. I'm selling holiday popcorn tins to support the Boy Scouts of America.
Sorry, I don't support exclusionary organizations.
Sir, we have a code of honor, and we will accept anyone who can follow it.
How about atheists and gays?
Only if they lie about it.
That must be some code of honor.

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