All comics by Buffylavalamp

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by Buffylavalamp
1-02-03
Meanwhile...
Ummm... Today?

 

by Buffylavalamp
1-03-03
Meanwhile...
So all you're going to do is stand there?
Yup.
Wow. You really suck.
Ha! Don't I know it!

 

by Buffylavalamp
1-03-03
Back at the old homestead...
You know you don't exist, right?
I don't?
Shit.
I wonder what kind of pudding I have in the fridge...

 

by Buffylavalamp
1-03-03
Mmmmm, sacrilicious!
Say, aren't you Jesus?
No, sorry, I'm Jebus.
Aye carumba!
What is it?
A "Cease and Desist" order from Fox...

 

by Buffylavalamp
1-04-03
Back in the secret lair...
So I've got a "Cease and Desist" order from Fox?
Yup. It would seem so.
What do you think I should do?
Well, you could try for a little more originality in your writing.
Twenty minutes later...
Ummm... Buffy? Buffy? It was just a joke... BUFFY!

 

by Buffylavalamp
1-04-03
In a galaxy far, far away...
SHAZOOM!
Another "Cease and Desist" order?
You expected something new?

 

by Buffylavalamp
1-05-03
Deep in the bowels of suburbia...
You know, you can't keep doing "Cease and Desist" order jokes.
Why not?
Because you should try to be "Ha Ha!" funny, not "Garfield" funny!
Lasagna!
I need to kick a dog! It's Monday again! NAP ATTACK!
Oh look. Another order.

 

by Buffylavalamp
1-05-03
"Let's visit the tar pits," you said! "It'll be lots of fun," you said!
Please... just... shut... up...

 

by Buffylavalamp
1-06-03
Meanwhile, back at the lab...
So my calculations are correct! Cthulhu!
YES, MICHAEL! BUT IT IS NOT YET MY TIME! IN 30 WINTERS HENCE, I SHALL RETURN AND ONLY A PASTY-FACED WHITE WOMAN WITH NO NOSE CAN DEFEAT ME!
Damn you, Cthulhu!
BWAHAHAHAHA!
Okay, I can do this...
Oh, and she'll need a chimp and the Elephant Man's bones...

 

by Buffylavalamp
1-06-03
Somewhere outside of town...
So Ra is the one true god?
Yup.
Huh.
Damn.
Sorry. We really did mean to tell you.

 

by Buffylavalamp
1-07-03
Back at Comic Strip Central...
Hi. Yesterday we featured a strip making fun of Michael Jackson. We feel kinda bad about it...
He's spend almost all of his life in the spotlight, nobody ever saying "No" to him. How can that not mess someone up? If anything, it's a surprise he's still alive.
Oh wow, can I ever relate to that...
I've always wondered, how do you smell with no nose?
Terrible.
Badum-bump!

 

by Buffylavalamp
1-07-03
Somewhere outside of Rome...
I'm Spartacus!
No, I'm Spartacus!
No! I'm Spartacus!
I am Spartacus!
No, I'm Spartacus!
Will you guys shut the hell up! It's a little late for that now!

 

by Buffylavalamp
1-08-03
When last we left Li'l Conan...
Hey man, what year is it?
Huh? Oh. 2003.
Sorry, Li'l Conan.
Man, that was some good shit...
Drug humour, Buffy?

 

by Buffylavalamp
1-08-03
Back at NBC Studios...
There's great buzz on your movie! Did you bring a clip?
Yes I did, Li'l Conan...
Heheheh...
Sorry, Li'l Conan.
You're killing me here, Buffy...
Don't hit me! She made me do it!

 

by Buffylavalamp
1-09-03
Outside of normal parameters...
Sorry about this, but I'm at work so don't have much time to write.
You try being funny when lives are in the balance!

 

by Buffylavalamp
1-10-03
And now for a word from our sponsor...
Father Bill, I hate taking communion! The wine is icky and the bread is dry! What can I do?
Ha ha! Don't fret, Cody, because now the fine folk at UniGlobalCorp bring us...
GODSICLEâ„¢ brand frozen treats in orange and cherry flavours! Now communion can save your soul in a tasty way!
GODSICLEâ„¢ - now with 25% more host!
Wow! Thanks, Father Bill, and thanks UniGlobalCorp!
And thank YOU Buffy for avoiding obvious priest jokes!

 

by Buffylavalamp
1-11-03
Meanwhile...
Oh. Reading a book?
Yup.
Is it good?
Yup.
I'm functionally illiterate.
Internet Chatrooms 101. Third door on your left.

 

by Buffylavalamp
1-12-03
Deep in the heart of Ironyville...
Hello?
Yes, hi, I'm with Jehovah's Witnesses and I'd like to...
What? You do know who I am, don't you?
If I could just leave you some literature...
You're kidding me, right?
Have you been saved?

 

by Buffylavalamp
1-12-03
Buffy and Chris are having a sweet moment...
Chris, you'll always be my best friend.
And you'll always be mine, Buffy.
I love you!
I love you too!
Damn, I envy how thin you are...
Sorry, but I so covet your nose...

 

by Buffylavalamp
1-14-03
Back in the secret lab...
And then the book said to lure Cthulhu into the trap, dangle a baby from a window in front of a multitude...
Really? Good, I'll have to remember that!
...So I told him to dangle a baby from a window, and he totally bought it!
HAHAHAHAHAHA! WHAT A DIPWAD!
Hey, maybe we can get him to wear a surgical mask everywhere!
HA! STOP IT! YOU'RE KILLING ME!

 

by Buffylavalamp
1-15-03
Somewhere over the rainbow...
In a previous life I was a rabbit, scampering through the woods. Sure, I had to watch for carnivores, but I was happy.
In another life, I was a cow. Granted, I existed only to be slaughtered for food, but I had all the grass I could eat and I was content.
Please, for the love of all that's good and kind in this world... Kill me. Kill me now!

 

by Buffylavalamp
1-17-03
And now for a word from our sponsor...
Hi, I'm Lance Geldgeliebter, president and CEO of UniGlobalCorp...
I make 14 cents a day!
Recently, UniGlobalCorp has been the target of many unfounded and libelous accusations...
But only if I work a full 12 hour day!
We at UniGlobalCorp strive to bring you quality goods at reasonable prices, and still be responsible corporate citizens!
I'd kill for a bowl of gruel...

 

by Buffylavalamp
1-18-03
Later, after the film stops rolling...
Hey! Who's bright idea was it to put this kid on camera?
Mine, Mr. Geldgeliebter. I work in your advertising department.
Really? I thought you worked here in our shoe factory.
Oh no! Compared to those children, my 14 cents a day makes me positively middle class!
Ha ha! Don't blame UniGlobalCorp! You could afford those smokes if the damn government would cut taxes!
It's just business, kid. We have to keep the profit margins up!
I understand. It just makes it a little harder to save up to buy a pack of your cigarettes.

 

by Buffylavalamp
1-19-03
Later that day...
So I understand you're interested in an executive position at UniGlobalCorp. What are your qualifications?
Well, Mr. Geldgeliebter,I have an MBA from Stanford, and I am the Prince of Darkness, Lord of all Evil.
You'd be running our manufacturing division, where women and children work and get paid less in a year than most people in developed countries make in a week.
Interested?
You make me sick.

 

by Buffylavalamp
1-20-03
A donKEY...
A turKEY...
I'm a chicken, fuckwit.
And a monKEY!
I remember this joke being much funnier when I was six...

 

by Buffylavalamp
1-21-03
Good surrealism.
Fetch the stick, boy!
Moooo.
Bad surrealism.
I flip pancakes on the car!
Look, a velvet moon!
Ugly surrealism.
Honestly, it's about terrorism, not oil! What was that? Osama who?

 

by Buffylavalamp
1-21-03
It's not about oil.
LIES!

 

by Buffylavalamp
1-22-03
Introduce yourselves, boys!
Hi! I'm Lance! I think...
I'm Joey! No, Joe E.! No, wait... A.J.? P.Q.?
Whatever, because we're BackSync Town!
No! We're N'O Street Degrees Kids... Boys... On the Block...
All that matters is we're DIFFERENT than the other "boy bands", 'cause girl, we love you!

 

by Buffylavalamp
1-22-03
So what makes you different from other boy bands?
I'm a rebel, and I use some gosh-darned salty language! I don't care what the heck the squares think!
My grandmother is ethnic, so that gives us street cred!
Word!
And we REALLY love you, girl!
Yeah!

 

by Buffylavalamp
1-22-03
How would you say your music is different from other boy bands?
I accidently heard part of a Leonard Cohen song once...
So that brings an edgy poetry to our lyrics!
Word.
And one of our songs has a flute in it!
Yeah!
Who the heckfire are you?

 

by Buffylavalamp
1-22-03
Who the heckfire are you?
I'm nobody. But all my life I've wanted to join a boy band and be somebody!
Really? You lie. Come on. Really?
Nah. I just want to bump nasties with Britney Spears.
Sorry, we can't do that. How about Christina Aguilera?
Come on now! I have my standards!
I'm a dirty, dirty girl... Oh! Hi, Peter!

 

by Buffylavalamp
1-23-03
Li'l Conan just read something humourous...
LOL!
Holy crap. Did you just actually say "LOL"?
OMG, no!
Wow! Now you just said "OMG" out loud! What's wrong with you?
:(
Now that on the other hand is impressive! I didn't think humans could pronounce it!

 

by Buffylavalamp
1-23-03
TOBOR...(Shhhh! Tell joke in Tobor's head...)

 

by Buffylavalamp
1-24-03
Back at Sundance...
I don't get it.
Shhh!

 

by Buffylavalamp
1-25-03
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Chew!
Chew who?
I'm so terribly, terribly sorry.
Chewhovah's Witnesses. Have you been saved?

 

by Buffylavalamp
1-26-03
Help!
I'm citing you for illegal use of sunglasses.
I'm writing you up for improper wearing of a hat!
HELP!
Yeah? Well, I'm writing you a ticket for public left-handedness!
Oh! A flagrant violation of city "being a weiner" ordinances!
Please! I'm Captain Pennypants, Defender of Justice! I can save you!
HEEELLLLLP! Oh god, please HELP!

 

by Buffylavalamp
1-27-03
Damned Hall of Mirrors...
...I keep forgetting which one I am.

 

by Buffylavalamp
1-28-03
In a land down under...
Ha ha! My best work yet! I'm a genius!
Yet... something is missing... But what?
Make me into a real boy!
Well, er, I would, but, um...
Jeeze, you'd take the nails out first, genius.

 

by Buffylavalamp
1-30-03
Back in the Forbidden Forest...
Ehhhhh... What's up, Doc?
Be vewy vewy quiet, I'm hunting wabbits! Heheheheheh!
Holy carrotcake! Is that you, Elmer? You look... taller.
Thank you. I've been going to the gym!
KIDS! Enter to win a copy of "Buffy's Big Book of Sorrowful Comix"! Just fill in a funny punchline for Elmer and send it to: Buffy's Comix Competition, 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue NW Washington, DC 20500
But how are you hunting rabbits? Where's your gun?
_______________ ______________ ____________

 

by Buffylavalamp
1-31-03
I win!

 

by Buffylavalamp
2-01-03
I win!

 

by Buffylavalamp
2-01-03
Tennyson, "Ulysses"
Come, my friends,
'Tis not too late to seek a newer world.
Push off, and sitting well in order smite
The sounding furrows; for my purpose holds
For the shuttle Columbia - February 1, 2003.
To sail beyond the sunset, and the baths
Of all the western stars, until I die.

 

by Buffylavalamp
2-02-03
Meanwhile...
...and then the data slipped to another port!
Hahahaha!
Really? Noooo!
Yes! A floppy drive!
Guys? Tell the bouncer we're buds! Guys! Hellooo! Guys?

 

by Buffylavalamp
2-03-03
Later...
Why doesn't anybody like me? Why doesn't anybody want to be my friend?
I'm so very, very lonely. All I want is a friend.
I'll be your friend.
Piss off, filthy human scum!

 

by Buffylavalamp
2-03-03
Back in the saddle again...
I AM YOUR GOD! BOW DOWN AND WORSHIP ME!
Bugger off.
SERIOUSLY! PRAY TO ME OR DIE A HORRIBLE DEATH!
Leave me alone.
I mean it. Leave me alone or I'll call the cops!
Please worship me?

 

by Buffylavalamp
2-04-03
Building to a stunning anticlimax...
I don't get it. I asked her nicely. Why won't Buffy worship me?
Because she's a damned atheist, that's why.
And when you say "damned", you mean "damned"!
Ha ha ha ha!
Want to go get some pie?
Sure.

 

by Buffylavalamp
2-06-03
Somewhere out there...
Buffffffffyyyyy...
Huh?
Buffy! Come sit down and touch my keys!
What the hell? I turned you off! You can talk?
Nah. It's just me again. WORSHIP ME!
I'm getting a restraining order...

 

by Buffylavalamp
2-07-03
Strolling through the park one day...
Have I told you about this little god-thing that keeps pestering me to worship him? I just can't get him to leave me alone!
Hmmm. That indeed sounds like quite the pickle you're in.
I really don't know what else to do.
Have you tried just giving in and worshipping him?
STOP DOING THAT!
Sorry! My bad!

 

by Buffylavalamp
2-08-03
This space for rent...
Am I really that loathsome that you'd never want to worship me?
No no! It's not like that! It's not you, it's me!
Really? No, you're just saying that!
No, I mean it! I'm just not looking to worship anyone right now. We can be friends though!
Cool. I'd like that.
Oh, hey! It's Apollo! Apollo, wait up!

 

by Buffylavalamp
2-09-03
I'm lost...
We've been meaning to ask you, little god-thing. What's your name?
Tiki Tim.
Mph! Mmphphph!
Yeah yeah. Let it out.
HA HAHAHA HA HA HAHAHA HA HA HA HAHAHA HA HAHAHA HA HA HA HA HA!
Sigh.

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