All comics by ConservativeNudist

 

Alright. Name and occupation?
Bernard Jones. Game tester. Will this take long? I've got EverQuest on pause.
I don't know how to break this to you, but you're dead. This is the blazing abyss of forsaken souls.
Holy crap. So what kind of punishment do you think's appropriate for a computer junkie like myself?
Oh, you ARE cruel.

 

Word up, Reaps! What's goin' down, ma hooded brutha? Y'aight?
I don't speak street, Nellynem, or whatever the f--k your name is. Talk normally, I'm feeling particularly pissed off today.
Aw, you love it. C'mon, say it wit me: G to da R to da I to da M--
Where am I?
The south side, G. Y'like country-western?

 

Do you think I'm mean-spirited?
That depends. Can you heal my legs?
YES!
He can't hear you. Y'like rollerblades?

 

I've got a death warrant for a Mr. Paul Schwartz. He around?
Oh....uh, no. No, he's gone to the bakery for uh, some beer. So if you could like, leave and never return, I'll tell him you dropped by.
Damn it. Alright, seeya.
Heh-heh-heh, you've still got it, Paulie.
700 years later...
I'm lonely.

 

Hey, you read the front page? "Stuntman cheats death for the 9th time."
I know. I HATE him.
So what're you gonna do about it?
It's not a question of what I'm going to do. It's what I've already done. Check page 3.
"Stuntman loses immediate and extended family in electrical storm." Nice.
He should've known better.

 

Jimmy, how long have we known each other?
I don't think we've even met before.
Well, that'll make this a whole lot easier, won't it!
Wait--wait, NO!
...and then, BAM! Straight to hell.
You're such a bastard sometimes.

 

Another day, another eight thousand souls, my goodness. I think this job's gone to your head.
Where am I?
A long way from home. Y'like dandelions?

 

I'm feelin' kinda charitable today, so here's how it's gonna go: You answer my question correctly, you live, it's as simple as that. Understand?
I-I-I think so.
Wrong.

 

Mr. Jeremy Warren? I'm afraid you're going to have to come with me.
Oh, FINALLY. I lost my job, my only daughter's in rehab and I caught my wife cheating with six other men in the same afternoon! By all means, lead the way!
Wait, did I say Jeremy Warren? I meant Jonathan Warren. Sorry for the mix-up.
Come back....

 

Ms. Doreen Simmonds? I'm sorry to say that your days of psychadelic sex with dozens of anonymous sexual partners have come to an end.
Oh, come on, you don't mean that. Why don'cha put down that scythe, hmm? I'll make it worth your while.
I'm not interested either.
I wasn't offering.

 

Death, when am I gonna die?
When the Yankees win the pennant.
They won this morning!
Did they, now?

 

My girlfriend tried to leave me for another winged abomination last night.
Oh, that's harsh. Did you have it out with her before she left?
Tore her head clean off at the seams with my teeth.
She'll be back.

 

Alright, Death, you saw the whole thing. What happened, and who's responsible?
Oh, I could tell you. But I could also tell you that your only son is in mortal danger on the corner of 53rd and Main.
He runs pretty fast for a fat guy.

 

Alright, Death, you saw the whole thing. What happened, and who's responsible?
Oh, I could tell you. But I could also tell you that your only son is in mortal danger on the corner of 53rd and Main.
He runs pretty fast for a fat guy.

 

Alright, Death, you saw the whole thing. What happened, and who's responsible?
Oh, I could tell you. But I could also tell you that your only son is in mortal danger on the corner of 53rd and Main.
He runs pretty fast for a fat guy.

 

Alright, Death, you saw the whole thing. What happened, and who's responsible?
Oh, I could tell you. But I could also tell you that your only son is in mortal danger on the corner of 53rd and Main.
He runs pretty fast for a fat guy.

 

Alright, Death, you saw the whole thing. What happened, and who's responsible?
Oh, I could tell you. But I could also tell you that your only son is in mortal danger on the corner of 53rd and Main.
Boy, he runs pretty fast for a fat guy.

 

Alright, Death, you saw the whole thing. What happened, and who's responsible?
Oh, I could tell you. But I could also tell you that your only son is in mortal danger on the corner of 53rd and Main.
Boy, he runs pretty fast for a fat guy.

 

Alright, Death, you saw the whole thing. What happened, and who's responsible?
Oh, I could tell you. But I could also tell you that your only son is in mortal danger on the corner of 53rd and Main.
Boy, he runs pretty fast for a fat guy.

 

Alright, Death, you saw the whole thing. What happened, and who's responsible?
Oh, I could tell you. But I could also tell you that your only son is in mortal danger on the corner of 53rd and Main.
Boy, he runs pretty fast for a fat guy.

 

Alright, Death, you saw the whole thing. What happened, and who's responsible?
Oh, I could tell you. But I could also tell you that your only son is in mortal danger on the corner of 53rd and Main.
Boy, he runs pretty fast for a fat guy.

 

Alright, Death, you saw the whole thing. What happened, and who's responsible?
Oh, I could tell you. But I could also tell you that your only son is in mortal danger on the corner of 53rd and Main.
Boy, he runs pretty fast for a fat guy.

 

How do you do this job, Grim?
Without becoming jaded, you mean? My secret is that I have the heart of a 12-year-old boy.
I believe it belongs to your son.
I cannot begin to describe how much I loathe you.
Oh, c'mon, don't you get it? Your son! Your recently deceased son?

 

They say that in death, all life's questions are answered.
Are.....are you coming on to me?

 

"And what have you brought in for us today, Angie?"
Um, this is Death. I found him hanging around Susie's Mom's car.
"Well, that's very nice, Angie. Any questions?"
Yeah, I have a question. Which one's Susie?

 

AAAARRGHH!! THE PLANE'S GOING DOWN!
WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE! WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
QUICK! COME WITH ME!
OKAY!

 

Lennie, I don't know about this, we haven't been dating very long...
Oh, come on, baby, don't be such a stiff. Just lie back and let Lennie work his magic, aight?
I'm looking for a Lennie 'Syphilis' Smith. Is that you?
Could you have PICKED a worse time?

 

What's the 4-11, Phil?
Oh, I tell ya, Death, it feels as though my life's going in circles, y'know what I'm sayin'?
I think I can help.
Well, that straightened things out immeasurably.
He's good like that.

 

I bet you've been waiting a long time for this day to arrive, am I right?
I don't know what you're talking about.
Oh, please. You've been wanting to do me in ever since your girlfriend up and left you for me. Admit it.
That's utter rubbish. I'm not some vindictive little schoolgirl. I take no pleasure in this line of work.
But when you get to hell, tell her and her family that the house fire was no accident.

 

Demon, do you ever think I'll find the right girl?
Ffft, tough call to make, pal. There aren't many chicks out there who find cloaked spectres of indescribable suffering and eternal damnation attractive.
But the whole power thing. Women dig power.
Right, the power thing.

 

So, is it true what they say about the size of a man's scythe?
I'm not familiar with that expression...
I've always had a thing for cloaked men -- but then, I was a very sick child. Perhaps that's why I've been divorced eleven times, I just can't commit, know what I mean?
Y'know what, this isn't working out, I'm gonna go....
Of course, my estranged father is also to blame. He left my Mom to take care of me and my five sisters on a minimum wage, how irresponsible is that? Men, ugh!
You have precisely three seconds to live...

 

How's the dating scene going, Big D?
(Sigh) Not as well as I might've liked. I've been dating a string of babes, but they're all complete airheads. They just don't GET me, y'know?
Death, there's more to a woman than a pair of knockers. If it's a meaningful relationship you want, try to look past her appearance and focus on her inner beauty.
Date ugly chicks? I won't hear a bar of it.
Trust me. I lowered my standards as far as they could go, and now I pull 'em hard & fast.
That is not a compelling argument.

 

Demon says I need to put less emphasis on physical beauty if I'm to find the right girl. Okay, I can do that.
Alright, plain chicks, plain chicks.....I'm looking....I'm looking....anywhere...?
Hey, handsome, don't I know you from some--
...anywhere at all...
--WAAAAAAAEEEE EEEEAAAAAAAARR RRGGHHHHH!!!!!!!!

 

Ah, who am I kidding? I'll never find the right girl.
Excuse me, do you have change for a twenty?
What? No, I'm sorry. Normally, when I want something, I kill the shopkeeper for it.
Ha ha ha! That's funny.
Oh, you think so too? Let's do coffee.

 

Hours later...
...and do you prefer chocolate or strawberry?
Strawberry!
Oh my goodness! That's FORTY-THREE things we have in common so far!
Ha ha ha, I know! Now, do you prefer to disembowel young children and leave them to bleed, or eviscerate the elderly from the feet up?

 

So things are going well with Emily, huh?
Just amazing! We're perfect for one another.
Yeah, sounds like it. So what's next for you two?
We're kinda taking it slow right now, but I'm ready to commit. I've never felt this way about anyone before.
Not even me?
Not even--what?

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