All comics by DeathMarmot

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by DeathMarmot
4-15-03
Hey man...What are you going to accomplish from all this fighting? We are all people, man. Make love not war. Stop the war, man.
I am fighting for your freedom, you pansy. I am fighting so you can wave that pinko peace sign.
Our rights aren't threatened, man. We're going to stop the war, man.
Over my dead body...
I guess you won

 

by DeathMarmot
4-15-03
Wow, are you really him? I read that book about you. You are amazing; I worship you. I want to be like you.
So...Do I have to perform miracles or talk to God or walk on water or star in a cool rock opera or what? I'd do anything to be the next Jesus!
You're cross with me, aren't you...

 

by DeathMarmot
4-15-03
Hello my child. Why don't you come with me behind one of these trees...I will explain to you why the Church sat passively by during the Holocaust. It's a fun story.
Umm...OK. I don't see any harm that can come from that...
By kingdom come...
Thy will be done.

 

by DeathMarmot
4-15-03
Look, the Easter Bunny is sick. You're taking his place, Doris. Go hide chocolate eggs around America to celebrate my death.
Easter is when you came back, JC. Good Friday is when you died.
Oh...well that's confusing. Anyway, you're job is to hide chocolate eggs, give college students beer, get eveyone else addicted to TV and shopping, and write ominous jingles for CNN intros.
Sure thing, Lord.
Mmmmm...cholocate and Jesus. Hey! Joe Millionaire is on!

 

by DeathMarmot
4-16-03
Good evening folks; it's great to be here in Tennessee, home of the famous monkey trial right?
Now, I find it odd that those who oppose the teaching of evolution are usually the best proof that we are, in fact, related to apes. Thank you folks, drive home safely.
Hey...Ah heard yer routine, and ah don't take kindly to bein called no ape. Jus cuz I'm from the South don't mean ahm dumb and violent.

 

by DeathMarmot
4-16-03
Sometimes I feel that having a girlfriend is like standing behind a horse, drawing a bulls-eye on your crotch, and hitting the horse in the ass with a sling shot
But it's great to know that when things are bad, I can just pound a few back, wait for you to show up, and tell you how I feel. You're my best friend.
You never had a girlfriend. And that beer was non-alcoholic.

 

by DeathMarmot
4-16-03
Talkin' to Mom
But what can you expect from a country that has flexed its imperialist, murderous muscles in Chile, Vietnam, El Salvador, Iraq, the Philippines, and many other places through direct or indirect force?
Talkin' to Mom some more
You see, all of our lives are unique, which creates both individuality and isolationism, an element which is exposed through this hostile world. Our existence cannot be explained or understood.
Mom talks back
What do you think?
God, you're fat.

 

by DeathMarmot
4-16-03
I broke your jaw...
so you couldn't talk...
and make things worse.

 

by DeathMarmot
4-17-03
Back in my day, dogs didn't have balls to roll on, on account of Wilson putting an embargo on Latvia, the Ball Capital of the World, as we used to call it. Anyway, dogs had to roll on tires....
...or turned over garbage cans. Balls couldn't even be inflated, with the Great Air Shortage and all, heck, we used to only be able to inhale. Exhaling got us fined two 8-cent bronze pieces!
I just pooed myself
Me too.

 

by DeathMarmot
4-18-03
It won't clot
Fuck it
I'll ruin the shirt

 

by DeathMarmot
4-18-03
Terrorism! SARS! Shark attacks! Anthrax! Kidnappers! Killer Bees! School violence! Superpredators! Tumors! Gang members! Drunk drivers! Global Warming! Apples with razor blades!
Black men with guns! Hispanic men with knives! Old mustached white men who molest children! Loners with sniper rifles! Militants with bombs! Arabs with boxcutters! Axis of evil! AHHHH!
Boo! Boogety Boogety! *Sigh* These kids are getting harder and harder to scare...

 

by DeathMarmot
4-20-03
This makes me uncomfortable

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