All comics by Intoxicatious

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by Intoxicatious
3-26-05
Excuse me, may we buy Rare from you for 300 Million dollars?
Hmm.
Do you own Donkey Kong 64?
Man, that game is exactly like Banjo-Kazooie. So uninspired.
Hell yeah! *cough* I mean, yes.

 

by Intoxicatious
5-16-05
I took a picture of a tire tread.
I see.
Now what?
Now we go back to the lab and use the "Tire Tread Duplication and Matching Machine."
Is it better than the "Blood Stain Splatter Angle Producer?"
Yep. It's even better than the "Semen Extracting and Swirly... Dirmly..." Uh. This show sucks.

 

by Intoxicatious
12-05-06
No! We can't dress like characters from the same series.
Dude, chill out. I'll just ask my mom to drop us off at separate times.
Mom, can you drop off Greg an hour after you drop off me?
Wait! Now I'll be late. I'll miss Jeri Ryan.
What? Yeah, coming, Mom.

 

by Intoxicatious
12-05-06
Hey, you can't bring a weapon to my parents' house. Go back inside and change.
Okay.
A knife is still considered a weapon.
What? But it's for butter spreading.
Perfect. That tie is very becoming.
Yeah, very becoming a weapon when I strangle your parents with it.

 

Are your online resume classes not getting you the job that you deserve?
...and if you hire me for you're company, i will tottaly pwn all of the n00b internz in your law ferm. singed, 1337 hax0r. :)
by Intoxicatious, 4-03-07

 

by Intoxicatious
4-03-07
What class did you choose?
I chose law, and now I'm a high paid lawyer.
What class did you choose?
I chose engineering, and now I'm an astronaut.
What class did you choose?
Well, I chose a shaman because I already maxed out the other classes to level 70.

 

by Intoxicatious
6-07-07
*cough*
Oh my God. Paris Hilton has a slight cough. Three days is plenty enough time in jail. You can go home now.
Okay, you know the deal. One bad handjob for one bad cough.
Where should I set up the video camera?

 

by Intoxicatious
6-08-07
What did your wife make you for lunch?
Ah, just another tuna fish sandwich. What did your wife pack you?
Well...
Is that $90,000 wrapped up in aluminum foil? Can we trade?
My wife is gonna kill me.

 

by Intoxicatious
6-08-07
Hey, man. Where were you all day?
I was picking up four new UMPC's.
Why would you need four of 'em?
Duh, because they're smaller than most laptops and they cost a fourth of the price. I'm gonna meld them together into one big laptop.
Why didn't you just buy a regular laptop and save yourself the hassle?
Duh, because I saved a fourth of the price. Jeez, you're dumb.

 

by Intoxicatious
6-08-07
I thought you said I'd be out of jail for good.
Do you seriously want me to review the handjob?
It's nice to see you again, Miss Hilton. I forgot to ask you earlier. Could I have an autograph for my son?
I can't. I burnt my hands.
Sounds like you had one HELL of a time while you were out.

 

by Intoxicatious
6-09-07
Did you hear? On the last organ delivery, Tom did four loops with the plane.
Four? What a loser. I'll bet you I can do seven.
I guess we'll just have to hope that they send another pair of lungs.
Who cares? I pulled off seven loops.

 

by Intoxicatious
6-09-07
Your lung transplant went smoothly. Although, we have no idea what happened to the first pair we ordered.
That's okay. Thank you, Doc. Now I can get back to what's important.
One carton of cigarettes, please.
Hey, weren't you that guy that got the lung transplant? Aren't you worried about getting lung cancer again?
Fine, get me something that's rich in vitamin D.
Okay, so one carton of cigarettes and one bottle of cod liver oil.

 

by Intoxicatious
6-10-07
Oh my God. 100 million people may have Alzheimer's by 2050. This is an amazing discovery. I have to tell someone.
Yes? What was it you had to say?
... I forgot.

 

by Intoxicatious
6-10-07
What the hell? I can't log into World of Warcraft through Windows Vista.
Yeah, I know. We have to use MSWoW. The game is just full of pop-ups now.
Forget it. Let's just play Counter Strike. --------------------------- ARGH! Let's just go outside.
Don't you mean MSCS? ---------------- But, if we went outside then why would we need computers?
So... Do I just use my old password when logging into MSWoW?

 

by Intoxicatious
6-10-07
Oh, excuse me. Samuel L. Jackson? What do you think about Paris Hilton getting so much jail coverage?
The story is way bigger than what it needs to be. C'mon! For real!
Paris, what do you think about what Samuel L. Jackson said?
I agree. I'm kinda shocked by all the attention I'm getting...
...which reminds me. To all my fans out there, I'm performing an awesome concert which will be televised live from prison. Just like that Joey Cash guy.

 

by Intoxicatious
6-11-07
Okay, Google. Do your magic. Gimme Shawna's favourite music, her favourite food, and her favourite position.
Okay. Now her phone number, her address, and a satellite image of her neighbourhood.
Hey, Shawna. Do you wanna see a Fallout Boy concert while we eat pizza and do it doggy-style?

 

by Intoxicatious
6-11-07
We're going to allow Apple users to download movies for only $2.99, and then they can transfer said movies onto an iPod.
Doesn't Microsoft already allow downloads through Xbox Live?
But, but people can transfer the movies onto iPods.
iPods are always your answer for competing with Microsoft. What's next, you're going to make a video game console that links up with an iPod?
That's a great idea. We'll call it the MacBox. I smell upper management coming from your direction. I'll get someone to give you another free...
iPod? Thanks.

 

by Intoxicatious
6-11-07
What if...
I'm cleaning up my act, and I'm learning from this experience.
So, I've decided to prove to everyone how resposible I am by adopting a child.
While I'm in prison, my good friends, Britney Spears and Michael Jackson, will be taking care of my little boy Sook Minh.

 

by Intoxicatious
6-12-07
I've figured out why our patients have been dying. We were sold fake blood.
What kind of monster would do that?
Ha ha ha. Not only do I get to keep the real blood, but I also get to keep the money, too.
Hey, Jerry. Did you get the fake blood for the party?
Even better...

 

by Intoxicatious
6-12-07
Holy crap, your boobs are huge. I'll give you $20 to take off your top
Oh, Prince Harry.
Hey, Harry. How can you be partying when we should be fighting a war?
I am fighting a war... In my pants! Look, I'll put in a good word for you.
I'm sorry Miss, you're gonna have to let me and my friend search your top for weapons of mass destruction.

 

by Intoxicatious
6-12-07
Who's our next patient?
Mr. Kennedy. I can't wait to cut open another person. Let's go!
Doctor, shouldn't you wash your hands first?
Oh, c'mon. You know that soap feels funny. Besides, what's the worst that can happen?
MORGUE
Why did you call me into the morgue just to tell me that Mr. Kennedy checked out fine?
Oh, this is where I have sex with all of the nurses.

 

by Intoxicatious
6-13-07
Greetings, soldier. I'm Major Mozilla. Welcome to the Windows battlefield.
Hey, I'm Private Safari. I just transfered over from Mac OS.
I heard that General IE doesn't even see you as a threat.
Really? Well, you'd better watch out because he's creeping up behind you.
Why is he rolling on the ground like that?
I think he just shot himself in the foot.

 

by Intoxicatious
6-13-07
What am I suppose to do for fun while Greg is in detention?
Yeah, see. I kinda don't feel well.
Oh my. Of course you can serve your dentention at home.
Wow, how did you get out?
I pulled a Paris Hilton on her.

 

by Intoxicatious
6-13-07
Doctor, we can only perform one revascularization today. Which patient do we perform it on?
Oh, I think you know the answer to that.
So, um, your heart is A-OK now. Have a good time being white you good looking white guy.
Thanks, Doc. I will.
A heart is a complicated organ. I'm sorry, I couldn't do anything for your black grandmother.
Healthcare my ass. I'm moving to Canada.

 

by Intoxicatious
6-14-07
Your mother has apparently died for unknown reasons on the floor of the waiting room. But on the bright-side, here's the bill.
¿Qué? Este hospital es negligente.
Mr. President, another person has died at Martin Luther King Jr. - Harbor Hospital.
Why is that my concern?
I would like you to reconsider the rules of the ER.
The priority will remain as follows: you will receive early admittance if you are, bleeding, unconscious, of white colored skin...

 

by Intoxicatious
6-14-07
Boston, Massachusetts
Okay, class. Today we're going to do some simple math equations. Can anyone tell me what one penis plus one vagina equals?
A free passage into Heaven?
That's right. Now, can anyone tell me what one penis plus another penis equals?
It should be equal to the first equation.
WRONG! It equals eternal damnation in hellfire.
Don't take it out on him, Sister. He's Canadian.

 

by Intoxicatious
6-14-07
Welcome to Operation Bot Roast. We got a horde of zombie PCs out there and someone has to take care of 'em.
I'm up to the challenege.
Remember, shoot them in the CPU.
Listen, when we get out of this, I'm gonna buy you a beer.
Oh, shit. He didn't even make it past the front door.
Dear, Jesus. They strapped him down with a replica Rolex and stuffed him full of Viagra.

 

by Intoxicatious
6-14-07
An Optomist would view a glass of water as half full.
A Pessimist would view the same glass as half empty.
A Realist would know that an Asian woman would stop by every fucking five seconds to fill it to the top and ruin all philosophy.

 

by Intoxicatious
6-15-07
Welcome to the Anywhere Between a Dollar and Fifty Dollars Store.
Let's see, you're getting a flag, a can of Mountain Dew, and some Dentamint toothpaste...
You should be careful. I heard that this has the same ingredients as antifreeze and could kill you if swallowed.
Fine. I'll put the Mountain Dew back.

 

by Intoxicatious
6-15-07
Mild mannered Joe Joseph was a normal guy until he swallowed fake Colgate toothpaste. Now he's...
Antifreeze Man!
Dude, aren't you cold?
No!

 

by Intoxicatious
6-15-07
What if...
Well, this looks like the perfect spot to start building our new homes.
Yes, I agree. This place will look fabulous when we tear it down.
Marvelous. This place can now accomodate my 32 million children. ----------------------- Fuck 'em! Ahahahahaha
Wait, what will happen to all of the wildlife? -------------------------- Right. Ahahahahaha

 

by Intoxicatious
6-15-07
I've been tryin' call you all day. Where were you?
I was theatre hopping.
Cool. Which movies did you see?
All of the really crappy ones.
Eww, why?
Simple. My house has no A/C. Movie theatre does.

 

by Intoxicatious
6-15-07
Why is it that all of the movies these days suck?
It's true. Everything is either based on something or a sequel.
Hollywood has run out of fresh ideas.
I think all of the good writers are making video games now.
That makes a lot of sense.
I know. Get paid to make a game, and then get paid for the movie based on your game.

 

by Intoxicatious
6-16-07
Sir, can you please tell me why your car is being towed by a horse?
Gas prices are on the rise. This is the most effective way to get to work.
But what happens when you need to feed him. You know, food prices are on the rise, too.
I work miles away. When my horse gets tired and dies, well, that'll be good eatin' for everyone.

 

by Intoxicatious
6-16-07
Aren't you suppose to be at work, and isn't that my McDonald's?
I took the day off. I don't have any money to fill up my gas tank. I also have no money for food.
You know, you could always just put down the burger and walk your ass to work. ------------------------ No. It's your right to an early grave.
Why would I want to exercise when I own a car? As an American, it's my right to be fat. ------------------------- You'll need a car to drive me to the cemetery?
I'm thinking about leaving your fat ass here to rot.
Fine. See if I drive you anywhere ever again.

 

by Intoxicatious
6-16-07
I don't have a cell phone and I'll never need one.
Me neither.
Oh my God, where did you go?
I'm lost. Help!
*sob* Let's just stay within a two foot radius of each other.
Showering is gonna get weird. Isn't it?

 

by Intoxicatious
6-17-07
District Attorney Mike Nifong let a rape prosecution go on too long.
It was said that he was using the case to boost his chances of winning his first election for Durham County district attorney.
He was said to have used "dishonesty, fraud, and deceit," to try and win.
He also cheated his way to the top, and stepped on all of the little people.
What? Mike Nifong didn't do that.
Sorry, I thought we started talking about President Bush.

 

by Intoxicatious
6-17-07
All right, this is the coolest bar in Iraq, so just let me do the talking.
Can I see some ID?
Yeah, sure... Oh, crap! I must've left mine in my other fatigue.
We can only assume, based on the fact that we found their ID's and not their dead bodies, that they are in a better place. Let us pray.

 

by Intoxicatious
6-17-07
What if...
Miss Clarkson, your recent tour didn't sell enough tickets. What do we do?
Um, you know, like, just cancel it.
Mr. President, your recent election doesn't have enough voters in your favour. What do we do?
Um, you know, like, just cancel it.

 

by Intoxicatious
6-17-07
I heard you spent your "moving out of my parents' basement" money to buy an iPhone.
I did, but this phone has so many awesome features. Here, lemme show you the MP3 player and then the calendar.
You seem to be struggling.
No, no. If I just press this button and rub the screen I can access the menu and then use voice commands to... Nope, now I'm calling someone. Damn, this has a lot of features.
I hope one of those features is an apartment.
I don't have to take this from you. I'm going home. I think my mom is making meatloaf tonight.

 

by Intoxicatious
6-18-07
Hey, man. Do you wanna grab some Wendy's for lunch?
No, thanks. I'm going to stay here and watch movies on my iPhone.
Can you get the Peterson file from the basement?
Sure, right after I finish watching this YouTube video.
Oh my God. Finally another person. I've been trapped down here for quite some time. You see, the door is jammed shut. Can you use your phone and call for help?
Sure, I'll just... I'll just... Um, heh, it just ran out of battery life. I don't know why, though.

 

by Intoxicatious
6-18-07
Why we download...
Do you have an HD-DVD version of Hot Fuzz?
No, sorry. We only carry that in Blu-Ray.
Hold up. What!? Well, do you have a DVD copy of it?
We only got a couple of copies and they're all rented out.
Did you rent Hot Fuzz?
No, they didn't have it. So, screw them. I'm just going to download it. We can watch it tomorrow morning.

 

by Intoxicatious
6-18-07
Awesome! Someone posted Sicko on YouTube. Watching movies for free is kick ass.
Michael Moore, your movie Sicko was posted on YouTube.
Damn, I'll just have to make a movie about Internet movie piracy. I'll call it Gigabyte Me.
Awesome! Someone posted Gigabyte Me on YouTube. Watching movies for free is kick ass.

 

by Intoxicatious
6-18-07
Now, you see here Miss. Berry? This graph shows your most recent films slipping. We think that it's time for you to do a basic cable show.
I'm in my 40s. Just because Kyra Sedgwick can do it doesn't mean I can.
Okay, so, this show is called The Loser. It's kind of a spin-off of The Closer. For the first scene, I want you to get in this box.
I see no harm in that.
We did it. We finally killed Halle Berry.
That's what she gets for fucking up the X-Men series.

 

by Intoxicatious
6-18-07
Somewhere in Canada
Oh my God, eh. My baby has lead poisoning from a Thomas the Tank Engine toy, eh. I need to call the authorities, eh.
Your lead toys are killing Canadians. They're upset with us. It'll be like 1812 all over again.
I hope so. They attack us, we win the war, then we steal their Healthcare. It's my new Healthcare plan... Like it?

 

Oh, cool. YouTube has gone international.
Yeah, now we can watch illegally uploaded videos in Spanish, French, Italian, Japanese...
by Intoxicatious, 6-19-07

 

by Intoxicatious
6-19-07
I really don't think you should release Manhunt 2.
Screw you. I'm doing it anyway.
Have you played Manhunt 2 yet?
Yeah. It's a pretty violent game.
I know. I can't believe Rockstar released such a monstrosity. Those guys must be sick in the head.
They need help. C'mon, let's go eat this bitch before she gets cold.

 

by Intoxicatious
6-19-07
They say that breast cancer comes from the father.
Why are you looking at me like that? I didn't give you breast cancer. Why would I give you breast cancer? I've never even touched your breasts...
???
Okay, so I crept into your room one night and gave you breast cancer. Happy!?

 

by Intoxicatious
6-19-07
Ahahahaha, I'm Jack Frost. I will freeze you and make you suffer as I have suffe... Oh my *cough* I'm having a heart attack.
Here, take this heart attack medication.
How do you feel?
I feel great. I'm warm again. My frostbite is gone. That means I'm out of a job now. Thanks for nothing you jerk.

 

by Intoxicatious
6-19-07
Is it too early to make a comic about the Charleston fire?
I would really advise against it.
You know, they said that the fir...
Seriously, it's too soon.
Remember 9/11? Now, that was a laugh riot.
You have no soul.

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