All comics by Kicker

Profile

 

by Kicker
12-14-02
Today: Customer Service!
I require the sweet release brought only by posessing the Red Eyes Black Dragon. Can you satisfy my needs?
Sorry, small man, we don't sell individual cards.
Though you are perceptive to recognize that I am actually a grown-up with a severe glandular disorder, you are otherwise useless to me. You are also stupid, and ugly.
Jeepers! I just got told by the love child of Gary Coleman and Eminem! I could think of a retort, but I think I'll just sick Gabe on you.
Look Out! Enemy Coming!
My Gabe-senses are tingling! A customer must be giving an excuse to exercise lethal force!
Wait, don't hit me! My deviant body chemistry gives me blood that burns like acid...Ok, maybe it's just sticky and smells like bleach, but that's pretty bad!

 

by Kicker
12-15-02
Today: Exposition!
Lacking any better idea, I will now explain the basic premise of this strip, and by extension, my pathetic life.
I work at Outland Station, a specialty retail store located at 6791 Red Road in sunny Miami, Florida.
"Specialty Retail" is tax-speak for "Geek Store". Comics, games, action figures, Captain Kirk cock rings, that sort of garbage.
You can probably imagine the kind of people this exposes me to. You've probably seen them yourself. Shit, you're probably one of them! Freak!
In fact, why the fuck do I do this, anyway? You don't even pay me!
Your "job" is to sit in a comic book store heckling people all day. I'm amazed I don't charge you rent.

 

by Kicker
12-17-02
Today: Security!
Nick, I'm glad I caught you. I've been reviewing the transcript of your most recent debriefing, and I had a few points I wanted to discuss with you.
Lay it on me, boss-man.
Well, first, I just want to say I'm glad to hear that your awareness has improved since these recent thefts; You've been monitoring the product closely, and that's something I'd like to see more of.
Like I always say, eternal vigilance is the price of retail. You can't trust anyone.
On the other hand, I'm concerned that you've built 10-foot razorwire fences around the video section and force customers to present a current passport. Spot strip-searches are also rumored.
You say "customers," but I have yet to see evidence that anyone actually buy videos here. I've been thinking of just posting guards and firing warning shots whenever people look too interested.

 

by Kicker
12-17-02
Today: LotR!
Yo, my tasty little friend. My, you're looking chipper today.
Thanks. You look like shit spread thinly on burnt toast.
Yes, the Gabe is a mite tired today. No doubt this is due to his hushed observance of a midnight screening of Peter Jackson's latest gift to this benighted planet.
Two Towers, eh? Tides of dehumanized monsters who worship an evil god swarming the pure white towers of freedom but beaten back by the land's rightful ruler? Once a marine, always a marine, I guess.
I would strike you down for the arrogant, cynical punk you are if I wasn't assured that God is about to beat me to it.
It always comes back to God in the old fantasy, doesn't it?

 

by Kicker
12-22-02
Today: Technology!
Well, the CCG counts are on the nose! Another lossless afternoon!
Really? So you think the robotic anti-theft system I put in the blind spot for test purposes is doing it's job? Great! I can have four more of them here within the week!
Um, I was just there and I didn't see any robot...Didn't Marc ask you to please not deploy any more robotic technologies in the store until you could prove they were 100% reliable?
Come on, Outland Robo saved the whole city, and...I don't fucking believe this! Someone actually stole my robotic anti-theft system! Don't these people have any sense of their own irresponsibility?
Meanwhile...
STEP AWAY FROM THE DISPLAY CASE. YOU HAVE 15 SECONDS TO COMPLY.
The display case is back in the store, you tin-plated psychopath!

 

by Kicker
12-22-02
Today: Crime-Fighting!
Congratulations RATS, you have simultaneously cornholed your chance at gainful employment with the store and used up the last of my patience with this latest stunt.
I DETECTED MANY CRIMES OUTSIDE OF MY DESIGNATED PATROL AREA. FOR INSTANCE, SEVERAL PERSONS WERE DISREGARDING TRAFFIC SIGNALS.
CREATOR, WHY IS IT THAT PEOPLE SCREAM WHEN THEY LOOK AT ME? IT MAKES ME...COLD INSIDE.
Hmm. So, it seems like the reason you keep wandering off is I forgot to make your program capable of recognizing when something is unimportant, not your problem, or just not worth the effort.
SOMEWHERE, A CRIME IS HAPPENING.
I'd stop him, but my program is working just fine.

 

by Kicker
12-24-02
Today: Reality!
Excuse me, sir, but does your store offer a student discount?
Hmm. Let's see. You want to know if we're willing to underwrite the education of a man who seems to have yet to learn how to shower and shave properly. The answer is no. Thank you, come again.
Ten years from now, when my diploma has brought me a high-paying career and you're still selling the latest japanese card game to prepubescents, let's hope your sharp wit will drive back your despair.
Uh, oh yeah? Well...you're stupid! Get out of here!
Well, shit. The truth does hurt.
Ehn. It's not such a bad life, really.

 

by Kicker
5-26-03
Excellent! Mark liked my idea for sorting CCGs alphabetically by subject matter! Ahh. Sweet satisfaction, matched only by sweet Sunkist...
Dammit, Frank, did you make a suggestion again? What have I told you about suggestions?
Uhh, they make a Sug out of E and Tion?
You possess neither long-term memory, wit or a penis. Be silent, that I may explain my position on suggestions by telling you a story.
If this is the chestnut about that time that pre-pubescent you met online "suggested" to meet and you had to spend the next week hiding under an overpass and having me tell the FBI you were dead...
No. That story has a moral all it's own.

 

by Kicker
5-26-03
A long time ago in China or some shit, there was a wise-ass named Zhuang Zhi.
I am so Enlightened it's not funny.
One day, an acquaintance of Zhuang Zhi, who was not as smart as him, dropped by for a visit.
Guess what, idiot! I just taught the Emperor or some shit all about philosophy and stuff! He was so impressed, he gave me three-HUNDRED chariots! Hah! I'm the shit!
Hah! Hah-hah and also hah! I mock your joy at your supposed good fortune!
Zhuang Zhi's frank approach to social interaction did not make him universally loved...
You know Zhuang, for an Enlightened guy, you're a real prick sometimes.
Wow. That was real insightful and all, fuckwit, but how about you listen to this story for a real brain-enema.

 

by Kicker
12-12-03
Once, there was young man, son of a fisherman, who dove into the river and found an immense pearl.
*glimmer*
@#$%&!
But when he brought it home to show his father, the old man immediately threw it back into the water.
*^&*%!
$#@)&?!
The sage man explained that the pearl was obviously property of the River Dragon, and his son only now lived because the king of the river had been asleep.
What if he was awake? He would have eaten you up, and then where would your mother and I be?
With a pearl like that, you could have bought five sons.

 

by Kicker
12-12-03
Having finished telling his strange story, Zhuang Zhi moves to the moral, in case anyone missed it.
Your stories always seem to have more profanity than is strictly necessary, and less point that is usually expected.
Listen up, Im'a bought ta drop bombs...of wisdom!
Like the Fisherman's son, you've come into great wealth because, you think, you have the skillz. In fact, you were just lucky, punk. The king liked what you had to say because he was in a good mood.
Woah.
Today your words pleased him and scored you chariots, but if he had happened to be in a bad mood, you'd be dead. Kings and Dragons, who can take the risk?

 

by Kicker
12-12-03
And so you see, Frank, to do anything that in anyway draws attention from the Boss is sheer foolhardiness. I recommend camouflage.
But how can we beat the level if we don't fight the Boss?
Unfortunately, Outland is not a level we can beat in the traditional sense. It's like Tetris. You go until you quit or die, the goal being a high score. Now excuse me, I have spam to filter.
Guh ... Cynicism ... overwhelming.
Gabe, suicide's been on my mind. How can I fix this?
Nick gave you the Zhuang Zhi speech, huh? Come on, let's sit in the window and check out chicks waiting for the University Bus.

 

by Kicker
1-12-04
Well, the FX Convention is coming up, and I was thinking you could go up there on your day off.
Cool.
The drive will be long and arduous, especially going up and back in one day.
Still cool.
So I think you should take Frank with you and switch driving every...Let me guess: not cool?

 

by Kicker
1-12-04
Meanwhile, a great distance away...
SURELY, I AM THE MOST MISERABLE OF ALL THINGS THAT WALK THE EARTH.
Are you lost, Mr Spaceman?
LOST WITHOUT ANY HOPE OF REDEMPTION, LITTLE GIRL. GONE ASTRAY IN THE SOULESS WASTES OF THE MODERN ERA.
I never heard of there, but my mommy says if I ever get lost to ask a policeman for help.
YOUR HOMESPUN IGNORANCE IS TOUCHING, BUT UNFORTUNATELY THE POLICE ONLY WANT TO TALK TO ME ABOUT MULTIPLE HOMICIDE.

 

by Kicker
1-12-04
Look, I know Franck has some odd sleeping habits...
No, owls and bats have odd sleeping habits. Frank can forget that he's awake. Watch this.
Franck, watch out for the monsters! They're right behind you!
HOLY SHIT MUST RUN
I think I can almost forget why I hired you.
Hah! Look at him go! Okay, what were we talking about again?

 

by Kicker
1-13-04
Hi there! I was wondering if you could help me find something?
Well for you, I could happily try. What was it you were looking for?
Well, there's this comic, it's called Chobits?
BZZZ! Wrong answer! That shit's worthless. You don't want that.
Excuse me?
Franck! Fetch this lovely lady some of the new Battle Angel stuff!

 

by Kicker
1-14-04
Um, is that your store's manga section?
Yeah, but don't bother looking for anything. Just give me a name, a genre, any tiny scrap of information, and I'll show you exactly where it can be found. I know this shit cold.
I guess you spend a lot of time reading it all, huh?
Heh. Come on, when you put it that way, you make me sound a little pathetic.
Hey! Do I come to your place of work and belittle your small victories?

 

by Kicker
1-22-04
Do you guys sell video games?
No.
Do you guys sell poker chips?
Hell no!
Do you guys sell lethal weaponry?
Why, absolutely sir! Right this way! Let me show you just a few of the high quality fantasy-themed implements of death we offer here at Outland Station!

 

by Kicker
1-22-04
Gah! Death! Misery and destruction!
You're scaring your partner, Nick. Stop screaming curses at the new paperbacks.
I'm sorry Franck, but a world where Megatokyo Volume 2 is published before Buttlord GT vol 1 is not one I can wish good things upon.
Well, maybe when you reach my age you'll realize that life is full of disappointments, and that we are judged by how we overcome them.
Find Buttlord GT at http://www.atomictoy.org/comics/buttlordgt/buttlordgt.html
That reminds me, did anyone tell you that Ryanne quit and there hasn't been a cute young girl working here for several months?
THE HELL YOU SAY

 

by Kicker
1-24-04
So you're interested in working at Outland Station?
It's my dream job! I love comics and games and people who like comics and games!
Well, you certainly are eager and your application seems in order. Is there anything else you think we should know that would influence our decision?
Well, I'm empathic. I drain the emotions from people to sustain myself, and I can occasionally read surface thoughts.
Ah. Can you tell what I'm thinking right now?
Not really. My roommate went drinking last night, and now I have a really bad hangover.

 

by Kicker
1-24-04
So someone came in yesterday asking for work? What'd you think?
Ah yes, the Empath. You may have noticed I used the special "Shut up" stamp on her application.
Hmm, empathic you say? Well, that could come in real handy! I'll just put her at the top of the list...
That's a joke, right? You're not actually hiring someone who can't tell the difference between fantasy and reality?
Ok, so maybe this part didn't really happen...but the rest was true!
Hey, hot empathic chicks were good enough for Picard, and he saved the universe like, ten times!
Oh, of course. How could I have forgotten?

 

by Kicker
5-06-04
You work for me. We travel the world looking for strange things, for unclear reasons.
I am a reluctant hero.
The world is full of strange things.
Wait a minute, you work for me!
Shit.

 

by Kicker
5-16-04
The three principal Superman comics now feature divergent realities!
I'm Adventures of Superman Superman, and I'm exactly like before! Boooriiing!
I'm Adventures of Superman Lois Lane, and I love my husband Super...I mean, Clark Kent.
I'm Action Comics Superman! I appeal to modern demographics by being a wise-ass! Does this costume make my butt look big?
I'm Action Comics Lois Lane, and I'm so abysmally stupid I actually don't know that Clark Kent is Superman, despite being in close contact with both on an hourly basis.
I'm Superman Superman! I appeal to the masses by being drawn by Jim Lee and being an emotionally distant Non-Human!
I'm Superman Lois Lane, and I've been kidnapped by aliens or some crazy ****, removing the only reason for Superman to give a **** about the human race.

 

by Kicker
9-10-04
So, you're headed back to college?
Yes. Nick like reading, reading are gud. I have found a place where scintillating conversation, or at least inveterate wise-assery, is deified.
Well, I hope you have fun at St. Johns. In the depths of my cups, I think I may even miss you sometimes. Briefly.
That's kind, but I don't think you will.
Yeah, you seem to be getting along with my robotic duplicate just fine.
Oh! There really ARE two of you here! If my vision is that straight, I must need more beer!

 

by Kicker
9-10-04
Yep, my finest creation, a perfect robotic duplicate of myself.
Wow. That's crazy. So, uhh, real Nick, you're sure it's safe to leave us working with one of your robots?
Oh, you misunderstand. I'm sending the robot to St. Johns as a test of its adaptability and volition. I like it here. If it does graduate, I'll just use the diploma to negotiate a raise.
Aww, that's so cute! It's imitating it's creator! Don't worry robot, I'll send you lots of postcards from Maryland.
Uh-oh...
Woah, looks like there are still a few bugs to work out. Better crack open the head-case and turn the "completely fucking insane" dial down a tad before I pack him into the fedex box.
Oh, that's real amusing, you walking novelty vibrator! I'll be sure to remember that one tonight, when I melt you down into syringes for the junkie exchange program!

 

by Kicker
9-10-04
Nick, really, you can drop it. If this robot is indistinguishable as you say, I've decided I will treat you both like the real thing and be done with it.
No, goddammit! I'm the only real one! I made a complete clone body for it, using a biomemetic CPU for a brain, and programmed it to simulate me in entirety, but there must be a way to prove I'm me!
Out of curiosity, if the robot looks like Nick and thinks it's Nick, how can you possibly know you aren't it?
What? Because...robots, they're like...they don't...I...
Well, maybe your smarty-smart friends at St. Johns will be able to tell you, mister metal-pants.
Fuck. I can hear them now. "You're supposed abandon received knowledge like that." Absolutism is no comfort when you might be a robot. I'd be better off watching the Twilight Zone.

 

by Kicker
9-10-04
So we still don't know which one is real?
Terrifying as the concept may be, the existence of two Nicks cannot be disproven. At least only one of them is staying around.
You seem calmly reconciled. What do you suggest?
Forget this whole thing ever happened, and treat this Nick just like we always do.
Nick, I want you to show up early tomorrow to start training the new hire. Also, the toilet's backed up again. Also, you're a worthless human being and I pray for your death.
And who needs college with a loving work environment like this?

 

by Kicker
9-10-04
Ahh...A quiet and secluded campus, reeking with the sweet smell of nollidg. A man could get used to this.
Hi! Can you direct me to the registration desk, Sir?
Hah! Sorry, unnamed cheeky youth, I'm new here myself. Does your mommy or daddy work here?
Actually, I'm an entering freshman. I thought you were a teacher, but I sure hope they don't hire people that dumb.
Gosh, I wonder if I was so trusting in my immortality when I first entered college four years ago. Maybe later, we can meet in an alley and your uncle Nick can rid you of that silly preconception.
Whatever, old man. I'm going to go tell security that I saw a crazy vagrant wandering around harrassing actual students.

 

by Kicker
9-10-04
Jesus fucknut there are a lot of club notices on this board! What the shit is "Mabel the Swimming Wonder Monkey?"
Unfortunately, no one can be told what Mabel is. You have to see it for yourself.
Tell me, or I'll leave your liver spilled in the dust while darkness veils your eyes.
They show bad movies and give loud and amusing commentary.
I have just determined the first objective in my quest to remake this pathetic place in my image.
Also, there is pizza! It approaches a platonic ideal of enjoyment!

 

by Kicker
9-10-04
Tyler, I'd have to say that Fitzgerald's is the best translation of the Illiad. It has a grand and lyrical style that is lacking in the others.
I dunno. Meaning shuffled and elided for the sake of meter? Latimore's is closer to the original Greek.
Latimore is a soulless robot, and I know robots. The F-Man makes my heart pound and my soul sing.
Why don't you just marry him, you're so hot for the guy?
Let's put it this way: Would you rather I now say "Avaunt forthwith, knave, lest against thy brow I test my fist," or just "Go fuck yourself?"
Point.

 

by Kicker
9-10-04
Hi, I'm Anna, the new hire! Hey, you're the guy that interviewed me! Nick, right?
Good God, strike me down where I stand. The Empath. Mark actually hired you.
Yep! I'm looking forward to working with you!
Gosh, my sentiments exactly, except replace "working with you" to "shoving miniature paintbrushes in my eyes and slamming my face against the table until the pain stops."
You're funny! I like you!
If you'll kindly excuse me for a moment, I have to go to the courthouse and fill out a restraining order.

 

by Kicker
9-10-04
Alright Anna, pay attention, because if you think I'm going to spend the time to tell you this a second time, your head injuries are more serious than I thought. You know Franck. He's our coworker.
Yo.
This is Mark. Or rather, this is the red phone thru which Mark expresses his will, Charlie's Angels style. Or rather, it's a picture of a phone that...
Cut the chatter, I'm watching Enterprise and you're drowning out the acting.
This is Gabe, the muscle. He lives in the closet. Feel free to sing out if you need a liberal application of pain. Here's a hint: you do.
Don't mind the costume. It's just my way.

 

by Kicker
9-11-04
Ahh! The sun is shining, the birds are singing! All's right with the world, and it's a perfect day for some kayaking!
Not so fast, Poncho. Before you step foot near that horror men call College Creek, you might want to hear my instructional health and safety lecture.
It will be in five parts, about an hour and a half long, and read by my good friend here, who was fished out of the water yesterday by the senior lab class.
What up.
I'm going to go back to my dorm and try to wash that image out of my eyes with borax and steel wool. Also, I am never speaking to you again.
No need for a reward, I'm just glad to be of service.

 

by Kicker
9-11-04
Dear Robot,
The St. Johns curriculum is based on the concept of Seminar, wherein we discuss our reading, always remaining respectful.
I just think Akilleus is a great big poopy head.
Write Penguin and see if they put that quote on the dust jacket of their next edition. Oh, and make sure they spell your name right, T.J. Shit-for-brians.
This is interspersed with tutorials, which are like classes, only instead of teachers we have tutors, which are like teachers except they won't lower themselves to teach you anything.
Okay, next week, I'm hoping we can discuss Euclid's propositions up to number twenty.
That's nice. Personally, I'm hoping that I'll be given some women and be able to describe a path from my pants to theirs. Let's see how these competing theories work out.
From which I naturally arrive at another point: I've finally found out where the attractive and intelligent women have been sequestering themselves.
Odysseus reminds me somewhat of Baudolino, the hero and narrator of the latest eponymous literary masterpiece by Umberto Eco. Care for a scone before bed?
Candide was right; This really is the best of all possible worlds.

 

by Kicker
9-11-04
Once, some time ago...
Monkeys! After cicadas, squirrels and rabbits, now I am subjected to monkeys! This shall not stand! First thing tomorrow, I'm buying monkey-repellant!
Hitch your wagon to the clue train, you hideous shaven freak: You're plenty fucking repellent already.
Did the lower animal just give back talk? God gave us dominion over all you banana-sucking, chest-pounding, lice-munching atavisms. Didn't you get that memo?
Maybe I wiped my ass with it after throwing shit at your mom last night.
...so then I skinned the nasty thing and made a bikini our of its hide, and that's where the club's name comes from. Plus 'The Making Fun of Bad Movies Club' doesn't roll off the tongue.
I am told, Creator, that this week, you will be showing movies of robotic rebellion. I will be there, Friday, after Lecture, in the Spector Basement, to see who dares mock my brothers' struggle.

 

by Kicker
9-11-04
And so, Mabel became the very first primate to swim the English Channel. Or at least, she would have, had the Spanish Armada not run her over.
Call me when your tongue un-forks.

 

by Kicker
9-11-04
Wow. I've never heard of some of these roleplaying games. What the heck is "Godlike?"
"Saving Private Captain America."
How about "Unknown Armies?"
"David Lynch presents Unknown Armies, a Wes Craven Film, directed by Quentin Tarantino."
How about "Exalted?"
"Crouching Illiad, Leaping Ninja Scroll."

 

by Kicker
9-11-04
Blue Planet.
"The Abyss 2, this time it's personal."
Core Command.
"The Adventures of Spaceman Spiff Across the Eighth Dimension."
Adventure.
"Indiana Jones 8: The Jones Family Vacation."

 

by Kicker
9-11-04
3pm
Violence.
"House of a Thousand Dungeons."
7pm
Ars Magica
"Renaissance Fair 3, Return of Wizard-fag."
10pm
Birthright.
"HVB: Highlander vs. Braveheart." Dude! Go home!

 

by Kicker
9-11-04
Is or is not Jet Li an angel sent by God to show us the true way of shit-kicking?
Saw Hero, huh? I'm not sure if I want to give money to apologists for the Cultural Revolution.
Hey, check the tag on your shirt, Colin Powell. How many cents per week do you think the Kuomintang paid the withered grannies who slaved over an industrial press so you could look bitter and ironic?
The Kuomintang is a Taiwanese political party. What do they have to do with working conditions on the mainland?
An awesome movie, and now a heaven-sent opportunity to tear an idiot three new assholes. Praise God in the highest. Wait here while I fetch my latest Economist, chew-toy.
How about not, you stinkin' Red!

 

by Kicker
9-11-04
Dear Robot,
Got your letter. Ha-ha. Things more or less normal here. Anna has been beaten into compliance with all standards.
Dammit bitch, I thought I told you! If you can't calculate sales tax the Tax Monster comes out from under your bed and takes what you owe him out of your flesh! Try again!
Not my flesh! I need that!
Many twists in comics lately. Robin is Robin again, Green Lantern is Green Lantern again, Gwen Stacy is dead again, etc.
Dude. Spoilers. So not cool.
Ehn, he's a robot. Who cares.
As for women, seeing as I'm in Miami, I can't complain for lack of opportunities. Smooth operators like us can make our own luck.
Hi, my boyfriend sent me here looking for a comic? I don't know the name or what it's about, but he said you would know it.
Maybe next time, he could send Lassie, and she'd be smart enough to communicate it to me. Try taking off your top. My memory responds well to mammaries.

Showing page 1.