All comics by Mariachi

 

by Mariachi
9-15-03
why is it that the person on the left always speaks first in comics?
hmm good point- i dunno! maybe we should do something to change it
errrrrrr... go on then..
he doesnt realise im trying to distract him and steal the gift
when is the dozy twat going to speak?
damn i havent a chance! hes watching me like a hawk!

 

by Mariachi
9-15-03
right- you know the score: walk away, count to ten...
...then turn round and shoot, yeeeees! dont patronise me
1, 2, 3.....
hahaha! how does she think ive played this game so many times and not been shot?
damn, i have no ammo!
hahaha! well get THIS- I'm an undercover cop and you're arrested for carrying a firearm. also, what are you doing tonight? me nan's cookin bubble n squeak, you sexy beast

 

by Mariachi
9-15-03
do you have the time?
for what?....... oh, i get ya. its about 10.30
10 minutes later...
i really love dennis the menace
nnnng! i hate bus stop strangers. wheres that freakin bus?! still, ill be polite
ive always preferred cool spot

 

by Mariachi
9-16-03
crash us a fag, mate
soz, got none left
ah well, i guess its probably a good idea to try quitting anyway...
dont be silly! they feed you all this rubbish about smoking being 'bad for you' but they know NOTHING
i guess youre right- ive never noticed any adverse effects
me neither

 

by Mariachi
9-17-03
right, i've finally had enough of your stupid face, i'm leaving
theres not much work for a talking chicken you know!
cluck off! i'll find something
wells theres always that advert i suppose- look, i can do the dance...
i haven't time for this charade
I FEEL LIKE CHICKEN TONIGHT!!

 

by Mariachi
9-18-03
Pete Sampras was blisfully unaware his time was up

 

by Mariachi
9-18-03
we look similar, innit, EH, EH?!
must you elbow me in the face?
yep!
agh, for christ's sake! you will pay the ultimate price now....
TWO POUNDS FORTY-THREE! (Death)

 

by Mariachi
9-18-03
hahaha! that thing has one eye!
hahaha! you have two eyes, you FREAK. until i zap them out with my magic zapper eye, that is! PCHAZZO!
YEARRGH!!
REMEMBER KIDS: It's rude to point

 

by Mariachi
9-19-03
i wish i had arms...
yeah
i wish i had a skeleton suit...
WAHEY!
WAHEY!

 

by Mariachi
9-19-03
um, hello, inmates! i've been given a chance to become the first comic stand-up comic! that's confusing. anyway, why did the chicken cross the road?................. to GET to the OTHER side!!
umm, ok, so you've heard that one. what about the one about the englishman, irishman, scotsman and PERUVIAN necromancer?
i told you you'd be awful. now you shall be erased!
that upsets me so much that i have soiled myself

 

by Mariachi
9-19-03
settling into the new home...
hey mum, that boy across the road says fred west used to live here!
don't be silly, he's not real. just like other scary chaps freddie krueger and bob carolgees
really?
really!
then what the hell was THIS doing in the freezer?!

 

by Mariachi
9-20-03
your t-shirt has really depressed me
oh. that's nice. you have popeye arms
you are so fucking dead when i've had my spinach
as the t-shirt predicted
hmm i still can't find my damn spinach. i've had my hand in my trousers for 10 minutes looking for it. AGAGAGAG OLIVE

 

by Mariachi
9-23-03
rick astleys days of fame and fortune are far behind him...
err.....what are you doing in my house?
well, um...
spit it out you fat moron
im squatting here again
my facial expression shows my utter disbelief and horror. i shall now fold my arms until you leave

 

by Mariachi
9-23-03
youre dead annoying and you smell worse than poo and you are a fat head and you are really stupid
hmmm yeah but shut up or i will beat you senseless
id like to see you try! look, we cant move our arms! hahahahahAHAHA
*hammer a nail into your head*
OUCH!
URI GELLER! DERREN BROWN! mind control will get you down

 

by Mariachi
9-23-03
can you pay my bills?
its getting hot in here, so take off all your clothes
can you pay my telephone bills?
IT BLOODY WELL IS NOT
can you pay my automobiles?
ahem. sorry chaps but i think that may be my fault. our electricity, gas, water and phone has been cut off

 

by Mariachi
10-07-03
ooh! hunky! lets go swimming!
id rather go to the circus
cool, okay. do they have clowns? or LIONS?!
no
errr why are you wearing THAT to the circus?!?!
because they have midgets. cock fighting midgets. and the undead

 

by Mariachi
10-08-03
hello officer
err how did you know i was a cop? i'm in undercover clothes
hmmm? call it a 'hunch'... i cannot believe the safety of the public is in YOUR hands
errr.... that's a notepad and pen
this man is frightfully dense

 

by Mariachi
10-21-03
tum-ti-tum
doop-woop-doo
everything you do reminds me of kwiksave

 

by Mariachi
10-21-03
what did the eskimo say to the polar bear?
um.. dunno
"ICE to see you"
hahaha good one
then the bear ripped his face off

 

by Mariachi
10-21-03
i model myself on "doc" off back to the future
yo, dont gimme no shit grandpops
people like you aint never gonna get no respect from me. word
Michael J Fox isn't in the new film
marty, youve changed

 

by Mariachi
10-21-03
wanna see my holiday photos?
oooh, yes please!
this ones a standard GFP Greek Pylon. in a field. this one is an eight-pronged pylon with iron arches
...err, nice... you got any of the family? or the place you stayed at?
nope. just pylons.
ah.

 

by Mariachi
10-21-03
oh man! roger rabbits let himself go!
gur!
woah! look at marge simpson. she looks ROUGH
at least i dont live in a bin. and you lost the character you wanted to use! twat
whats this now?
roger rabbit and marge simpson have sent me to sue your ass

 

by Mariachi
10-21-03
i hate the internet
me too. in fact id be very surprised if it hasnt caused me to implode by 1994
isnt it 2003 now?
is it? SHIT. i got confused by your shell suit
its not a shellsuit! i really hope you implode RIGHT NOW for suggesting that
okay

 

by Mariachi
10-21-03
doctor, doctor, i keep thinking im a mouse
dont be silly, youre clearly a ninja
ZZZING!
HUZZAH!
wha...? that was a mistake. your FINAL mistake
WHOOSH!
uh-oh
HUZZAH!

 

by Mariachi
10-22-03
wheres dave lately? have you heard from him?
he hasnt spoken to me since i decapitated him
well, err... thats unsurprising, really
yeah
wheres dave lately? have you heard from him?
he always was an ignorant swine

 

by Mariachi
10-22-03
does she love me? she blows hot and cold
she avoids me for a week, then she turns up wanting to marry me. what should i do?
dont ask me, IM A CHAIR
SHRIEK

 

by Mariachi
10-22-03
im gonna make a big pie outta you
yeah?
YOINK!
uh-oh! im gonna be shot, skinned and stewed
not to worry, rabbits cant operate guns

 

by Mariachi
10-22-03
my favourite show is one foot in the grave
whys that?
because id like to bone margaret
you sick, sick man. shes less than half your age!
so is your mum. but that didnt stop me
nor me

 

by Mariachi
10-22-03
hmmph. all girls hate me
true
youre MEANT to disagree- massage my ego and all that jazz
but i know about being a babe magnet cos i am one
is it because of your pristine skin?
partly, but id say the reebok trainers and my huge nads are the main attraction

 

by Mariachi
11-05-03
hello
hello
how are you?
how are you?
ah, i get it, you're one of those electronic parrot things that repeats every sound, arent you?
no.

 

by Mariachi
11-05-03
you off out tonight?
you betcha! im not gonna rest until ive pulled every woman i see
you must have some ace chat-up lines!
actually i rely on a combination of mucus and terror.
*swoon*

 

by Mariachi
12-14-03
hi, im ed mctavish and im astonishing
astonishingly lavish? it rhymes, see
do not mock me, boy, or i shall garotte you
do you actually know what that means?
hmmm... actually no. fancy a game of top trumps?
ok you flatulent oaf. i keeeeeeeel you

 

by Mariachi
12-15-03
# there is a light that never goes out #
# there is a light that never goes out #
# there is a light that never goes out #
its the FUCKING SUN, YOU MORON

 

by Mariachi
12-20-03
why do you always get sucked in by well-marketed RUBBISH that you simply dont need?
eh? actually i went shopping today and made some shrewd purchases
really? such as what?
well, take this for example; it's ice-cream for the deaf. its amazing what they can do these days
but... that makes no sense... and youre not deaf...
shit

 

by Mariachi
12-21-03
Did you tell people youd written an ace new comic when you'd really done this crap? Eh?
Umm..
WELL? DID YOU?
I... err...
DID YOU MAKE IT SEEM THAT YOU HADNT JUST DONE A CRAPPY DEFAULT CHARACTER THING???
FOR FUCKS SAKE I DIDNT WRITE THE BASTARD, you TWAT

 

by Mariachi
12-21-03
eek! we are in the sky! what?!
...
phew! back on the ground. what the hell is going on?
ARGH! airborne once more!
remind me to NEVER invite you trampolining again

 

by Mariachi
12-24-03
did you just eat 3 chips and throw the rest away??
yeah, i decided they 'werent me'
but thats so wasteful!
no it isnt- i stole them
i mean youre wasting food, not money! people are starving in this world
nah, thats the THIRD world youre thinking of

 

by Mariachi
12-24-03
i love parties!
yeah. ace
is anybody else coming?
i doubt it
mm? how come?
because i invited only you. in a few seconds time, the room will fill with poisonous gas. do not try to escape. there is no way out. make yourself at home, theres beer and cocktail sausages

 

by Mariachi
12-26-03
# give me oil in my lamp, keep it burning #
but its an electric lamp
# i dont fucking care, its my birthday #

 

by Mariachi
1-17-04
i have no choice but to sack you, im afraid
but.. this is the first time ive been late! and i work really hard... and we get on really well dont we?!
all true, i suppose
you will reconsider then?
sorry, i might let you off if it was a couple of minutes, but you were EIGHT YEARS late
traffic jam.

 

by Mariachi
1-17-04
wheres your homework?
errr... actually the dog ate it
riiiiiight. ill see you at break for detention
arggh! its the truth
*BURP* not to worry, ive eaten your teacher
cheers, rover

 

by Mariachi
1-17-04
so, did you speak to roger then?
who?
you know- your boss! is there still a job for you?
haha- i forgot his name after so long! yes! i managed to convince him not to sack me!
WOW! what the hell did you say?!
nothing, i simply gave him a dildo in the shape of ian rush

 

by Mariachi
1-21-04
did you hear that derbyshires answer to carol vorderman was sacked from regional countdown?
no! whatever for?
she kept dropping her H's
....thats not funny
i know- richard whiteley was LIVID

 

by Mariachi
1-22-04
arf ruff grahh woof woof ragh
whats that lassie? little jimmys stuck down the well??.... no...
ARF WooF grahh woof BARK woofff
little timmy has broken his leg?!?.. no, not that either....
GRAHF WOOF BARKBARK RUFF WOOFFF
FOR FUCKS SAKE, CLEAR YOUR THROAT

 

by Mariachi
1-29-04
oo-er!
whats wrong?
my horse has ran away!
quick! shut the stable door!
isnt that just shutting the door after the horse has bolted?
yeah- but watch the fucker FREEZE TO DEATH!

 

by Mariachi
2-12-04
Hullo
Hello
My name is Mr. Scare
ARGGGGGGGH!
why run? i am OMNISCIENT AND OMNIPOTENT

 

by Mariachi
2-18-04
im reet wise in me old age n stuff. ask me owt and ill know t'answer
err.. right. do you know what the capital of peru is?
yep. ask another
right.... can you tell me how far it is to jupiter?
i certainly can
impressive!

 

by Mariachi
2-25-04
hi, im a donkey and im found all over the world. my species is related to the horse
im a goat, sometimes found in mountainous areas
there are many species of bird, like myself, found on every continent
the two types of elephant are native to india and - like me - africa
im an octopus, found in the depths of every ocean
im a squirrel, found in kebabs purchased from mcturks

 

by Mariachi
2-27-04
Monday, 9:30am SHARP
so, why have i been summoned to this urgent meeting?
an important matter- will you swap the liverpool shiny for hernan crespo and eirik bakke?
for christs sake boss, im 31. i dont collect football stickers any more. grow up
oi. liverpool shiny or i tell everyone about how you cried and pissed yourself when your pro set card of kevin ratcliffe was stolen
hmmm... wasnt it you who stole that card?
nope, i 'found' it in your bag- finders keepers! now give me the shiny MR CRY-PISS! HAHAHA. ps i also pissed in your bag! pps youve aged LOADS

 

by Mariachi
3-04-04
goin to any festivals this year?
oooh! might do! whos playin glasto?
glasto?! A FESTIVAL OF SHITE are playing
pff in that case ill save my money- the other festivals are poor by default. im outta here.
little does she know that A FESTIVAL OF SHITE is my nickname for her 10 favourite bands! AAHAHAHAHA

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