All comics by NickNumber

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by NickNumber
4-11-10
You and your boyfriend play strip pool?
Sure. Getting his clothes off is a great motivation to win, and the suspense is surprisingly erotic.
Ok. Since I've already been TMIed, can I ask a question about the rules?
Shoot.
If he scratches, do you get ball in hand?

 

by NickNumber
4-11-10
Dude, I invented a new extreme sport. You run down a concourse at the airport and dodge people and their luggage.
Concourse parkour eh? Do you have a catchy name for it?
I'm still working on that. Karpour? Parkourse?
I think that last one is already taken by those exercise boards.
Are you suggesting that I might be committing...
Yes, karpourright infringement.

 

by NickNumber
4-12-10
Why must you Americans always call it soccer? It's so annoying.
You know what, you're totally right.
Really?
Yep, soccer is a silly abbreviation for "association football".
From now on I'm strictly going to refer to it as "assie".

 

by NickNumber
4-20-10
Is there any way for me to express my appreciation for the beauty of lesbians without sounding like a total asshole?
Well, there might be, except for one thing.
What?
You are a total asshole.

 

by NickNumber
4-28-10
Hey Jesus, what do you think about Catholics?
Well my child, they make me feel kind of dirty.
Dirty?
Yes. During services, a bunch of them will kiss the crucifix without wiping it off or anything.
I guess that is sort of unsanitary.
It's a clear case of cross contamination.

 

by NickNumber
4-30-10
You should come back to Jiu-Jitsu class.
Are you nuts? Last time I went for six weeks and broke six bones.
That's an exaggeration. Your shoulder was only separated, not broken.
Whatever. Nothing you say is going to convince me to go back.
How about you show up or I put you in a kimura.
Well, if you twist my arm...

 

by NickNumber
5-01-10
What's the deal with this new treatment?
Apparently, taking a diabetes drug deprives tumor cells of sugar and keeps them from growing.
I dunno, that seems unfair to the cells. What next, take away their caffeine?
After that we cut off their supply of Robert Smith tunes.
You mean...
That's right; no Cure for cancer say I.

 

by NickNumber
5-01-10
There seems to be a lot of anti-Semitism among Muslims in the Middle East.
Um, no. Arabs are Semites, so they don't tend to be anti-Semitic.
Ugh, I am sick of this tired old argument. You know what I meant. Why play silly little semantic games?
What are you, anti-semantic or something?

 

by NickNumber
5-02-10
I don't know what to donate to the food drive.
Most people are bringing rice and beans. Lots of cheap protein there.
I want to give something distinctive though.
How about some spices? Recipients will want to season all the bland stuff they're getting.
Hey, that's a great idea. And it will totally stand out from everyone else's donation.
Yes. After all, there's no present like the thyme.

 

Whoa, someone built a life-size model of Severus Snape out of Lego.
Alan Brickman?
by NickNumber, 5-04-10

 

by NickNumber
5-05-10
Crap, I forgot my PIN number for the ATM machine.
What's this I hear? It sounds like a job for me, myself!
Who're you?
Mister Pleonastic Man!
Can you help me make a withdrawal?
No, negative. In lieu of cash money, how about a free gift of a tuna fish sandwich instead?

 

by NickNumber
5-08-10
I don't believe we're living in the future yet.
How much more proof do you need?
I was supposed to be able to upload video from my refrigerator by now.
That's not the future. That's you using the wrong tool for the job.
Well yeah, but...
Don't you know it's your toaster that has the FireWire?

 

by NickNumber
5-08-10
Is this comic just going to be one ridiculous pun after another?
No!
You mean there are whimsically-named superhero characters too?
Yes!
I suppose next there's going to be a ripoff of me breaking the fourth wall.
Oops!

 

by NickNumber
5-14-10
What's that tv show you like? Big Band Theory?
Um, yeah, that's it.
Is it any good?
Yeah, it really picked up when Glenn Miller started going out with Jimmy Dorsey's girl on the side.
Sounds great. When's it on?
Right before the show I told you about last week. The one with Enrico Caruso and the sunglasses.

 

by NickNumber
5-15-10
I'm really good at feigning amusement.
Oh I see. Like when you were laughing at my joke a minute ago?
No, that time I was feigning that I was feigning.
That is so unimpressive.
What more do you want?
Lots. I'm extraordinarily pro-feign.

 

by NickNumber
5-27-10
Are you going to do that U2 song or what?
My crew is still outside smoking.
Can't you perform it solo?
I guess it doesn't really matter.
I can't sing, with or without crew.

 

I need drugs that will let me throw a ball from the pitcher's mound and then run fast enough to catch it. What's your opinion, zombie Clarence Thomas?
COCAIIIINES!
by NickNumber, 6-13-10

 

You just can't get past the name thing, can you?
You're great, but I'm afraid we can't use you, Mousey.
by NickNumber, 7-05-10

 

by NickNumber
7-08-10
It works! My photocatalytic concrete works!
Your what?
The pavement in this road converts poisonous compounds from air pollution into harmless nitrates.
Cool! Where did you ever get the idea?
Earlier...
Patrick Swayze, who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name...What should we do about all this smog?
My way is the highway.

 

by NickNumber
8-07-10
Man, this is going to be harder than the time I accidentally broke into an apiary.
I heard you barely survived that.
I was prepared for anything...alarm systems, booby traps, guard dogs...
So what happened?
I just didn't have a plan bee.

 

by NickNumber
2-15-11
Yes, it's true.
This man has no chick.

 

by NickNumber
2-17-11
I don't know if I'm ok with this.
Look, just hold out your arm across your body.
Now what?
Now swing it against my face. Hard.
Does this really add to things for you?
Yes. It's sort of a backhanded complement.

 

by NickNumber
4-30-11
Why do you have all this cookware stacked next to your laptop?
I'm picking up the wireless from the coffee shop down the block.
And this stuff helps?
Yeah, the bigger the pan, the stronger the signal.
I bet this this gives you a lot of leverage over your ISP.
Yeah, whenever they raise my rates I just threaten to wok.

 

by NickNumber
5-01-11
So this is supposed to calculate the average value?
Yeah, but the SQL query keeps failing. I don't get it.
Oh look, you've got each instance of the COMMONNAME field misspelled as COMMONNNAME.
Hey, you're right. That fixed it.
I hope you've learned the error of your ways.
Yep, the Ns just didn't justify the mean.

 

Why would you make a mashup of Here Is Gone and Bad Romance?
So I could name it Goo Goo Gaga.
by NickNumber, 5-15-11

 

Have you heard the joke about Dorian Gray?
Yeah man, that one never gets old.
by NickNumber, 5-17-11

 

Why would you have Hormel cater our Good Friday dinner?
I'm gonna Spam you all to hell.
by NickNumber, 7-17-11

 

by NickNumber
11-27-11
Watcha doin'?
Making a shopping list. Any requests?
Freebird!
That's not going to work at this store.
Why not?
They make you pay for bird.

 

by NickNumber
3-06-13
Is it bad that I want a Shamrock Shake?
Well, it's not the 15th yet...
St. Pat's is the 17th, dear.
Oh.
I guess you could just have some Ides cream.

 

by NickNumber
9-05-13
I'm making moussaka!
On the lamb eh?
Actually this recipe calls for beef.
Oh.
Moo-ssaka then.

 

by NickNumber
6-13-15
What's the deal with Everybody Loves Raymond?
What do you mean?
The guy just acts out stuff that happened in his life?
Yeah, it's sort of a Romano clef.

 

Huh. This doesn't look anything like The Garden of Earthly Delights.
Yep, that's some anomalous Bosch.
by NickNumber, 3-22-17

 

by NickNumber
5-21-17
I get obsessed with anything that's purple.
Are you sure that's healthy?
Well, it's just one color, so it's only one seventh as crazy as it could be.
Oh.
I didn't realize that's where you were on the spectrum.

 

I put all my liquor bottles up on top of the refrigerator.
Got any better ideas?
I dunno, that's a pretty high bar.
by NickNumber, 7-14-17

 

The Hitachi software still isn't working. Are you on the phone with their support?
Yeah, but it's not like they can just wave their magic wand and fix it.
by NickNumber, 1-23-18

 

I just saw a documentary on how Ferrari designers got rid of downforce.
Hey man,
no spoilers.
by NickNumber, 1-28-19

 

by NickNumber
10-10-20
Is Myanmar a nice place?
My mother's side of the family were entrepreneurs in Myanmar. They had gold jewelry and land the size of Disney World.
Of course they were the top 1%.
So...
Youranmar may vary.

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