All comics by Savage

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by Savage
6-06-04
There's a scary green-haired woman with a bloody axe behind you.
Oh, you see her too?
No.
***
Me neither.

 

by Savage
6-06-04
So I invented this new drink.
What's it got in it?
Rum, gin, vodka, tequila, whisky, crumbled corn chips and tomato juice.
Uh huh. What do you call it?
The Bloody Mess.
Sounds disgusting. Can I have some?

 

by Savage
6-06-04
So, I got this idea for a time machine. Only instead of taking you back in time, it just makes time pass very slowly.
Uh huh.
That way, you have more time to drink.
Hmm.
What do you think?
You must tell me who did your lobotomy.

 

by Savage
6-06-04
So. I bet you thought I was dead or something.
What?
I was abducted by space aliens! They did experiments on me for an entire month! Didn't you even miss me?
Well...
I don't believe it! You didn't even notice I was gone?
Well, now that you mention it, I kind of noticed a sort of empty feeling. But after three or four bottles of Thunderbird, I pretty much forgot about it.

 

by Savage
6-06-04
So, Ted--
The name is Ed
Sorry. Sometimes the booze makes me forget things.
It's okay. I understand.
Thanks, buddy.
Mom always said the second twin born was the inferior one.

 

by Savage
6-06-04
I just found out you went out with my girlfriend and pretended to be me.
Well...
Why did you do it? I'm your brother, man.
Well, you see, I just had to know
Had to know what?
Whether those rumors about you and your fondness for Velveeta were actually true.

 

by Savage
6-06-04
So, what was so important that you had to drag me away from my much-needed slumber?
Mom says you haven't called her in six months.
Not true! I called her just the other day.
Bro, calling her at two a.m. begging her to re-mortgage the house for bail money doesn't quite count.
Oh. What if I went over there and mowed the lawn?
Hmm. I suppose it couldn't hurt. But this time, don't drink up all her Geritol. And leave the parakeet alone.

 

by Savage
6-06-04
Hi. Don't I know you from somewhere?
I'm Ed.
Ed? Oh yeah... Uh...
Your identical twin brother?
Oh yeah. Right. So. How did we meet?
I'm telling Mom.

 

by Savage
6-06-04
I'm kind of tired. I think I'll go to bed.
Why? It's only four in the morning.
Do you mean that sarcastically?
No. If you're really that tired, you should sleep.
Actually, it's just that I'm all out of booze, and the liquor stores don't open for two more hours.
I knew it. You barmat-sucking lush. I suppose this means that you drank up all of the emergency vodka? Wait until Grandma finds out.

 

by Savage
6-06-04
You know, we should write an advice column.
What?
Like those other twins, Dear Abby and Ann Landers
But they don't drink.
See? The world is waiting for good solid boozing advice.
I see. Actually, my first piece of advice would be for you to brush your teeth.

 

by Savage
6-06-04
I answered my first letter today. Do you want to hear it?
Okay. It's not about anything disgusting, is it?
Listen. "Dear Fred and Ed: I am a fairly heavy drinker. Recently, I've been noticing a certain tremor in my hands. Does this mean that I should give up drinking? Signed, A Worried Imbiber.
So,what did we tell him?
Dear Wussy Boy, The fact that you are able to notice the trembling in your hands leads us to believe that you are just not serious about your drinking. Try drinking an extra bottle each night.
You the man, Bro!

 

by Savage
6-07-04
So, what are you drinking, Bro?
The usual
Do we really need these paper bags?
Well, I don't.
No?
No. I've had an IV booze line for years now.

 

by Savage
6-07-04
So. Good morning, Bro.
It's morning? How do you know?
I went to the 7-11 and they let me buy beer.
Cool. They didn't call the cops on you like last time?
No. That big girl doesn't work there anymore. Later on today, I'm going to pay her a call at the Burger King. I'll show her what a real whopper looks like.
You're such a romantic, Bro. I envy you.

 

by Savage
6-07-04
Fred? What's shaking?
Uh...You're Fred. I'm Ed.
Right! So, you wanna go get wasted?
You are such a freak.
Mom always said that I would end up in the gutter.
She's my mom too. And I think she must be psychic.

 

by Savage
6-07-04
Hey Ed. Do you ever have trouble telling us apart?
You mean because we're identical twins?
Yeah.
No. Not really
No?
No,because when I look in the mirror and note the absence of vomit stains or handcuffs, I know it's me.

 

by Savage
6-07-04
Wow. So this is tennis.
Yep.
So, how long do these tournaments usually last?
I don't think of it in terms of time.
No?
Nope. I usually time them by how many bottles I can kill during a match.

 

by Savage
6-08-04
I answered another letter today. Listen: Dear Fred 'n Ed, I'm forty years old, and I drink a bottle of scotch every day. Mom says if I don't stop, I'm grounded. What should I do? Signed, Junior.
What did we tell Junior?
Dear Weirdo, You obviously have more problems than just not drinking enough. Add a daily bottle of gin to your diet.
Sage advice, brother of mine.
And for godsake, tell mom you want your own room. You freak.
You always know just what to say.

 

by Savage
6-08-04
Ed, What's that smell?
I cooked us dinner! I've decided to become a chef. Come into the kitchen and have some Eggplant Polynesian.
Well, that was...interesting. I need some floss. There's something stuck in my teeth.
It's probably just a piece of pork spleen. I marinated it for eleven days in the garage in a mixture of coconut milk and pig's blood.
Excuse me. I have to go to the hospital now.
Wait. I'll pack you some leftovers to take with you. You know how awful hospital food is.

 

by Savage
6-09-04
What should we do tonight, Ed?
I dunno. Why is it always up to me, Fred?
Well, because you were born first.
What does that have to do with anything?
Also, Mom says I'm an idiot.
Mom is never wrong.

 

by Savage
6-09-04
I decided that tonight, I'm going to cook dinner for us, Ed.
hmm...
How does fried chicken sound?
Sounds great.
Say, how do I keep the beak and feet from falling off into the hot oil?
Let's go out for tacos, Bro.

 

by Savage
6-09-04
Gee Ed, is this what they call turbulence?
I don't know, Fred. I've never been on an airplane before, either.
So, that pilot was an okay guy, wasn't he?
Yes, it was nice of him to let us visit the cockpit.
I've never seen anyone drink a bottle of bourbon that fast.
I have. Remember Mom last Christmas?

 

by Savage
6-09-04
Wow, this was a great idea you had, Ed. I've always wanted to learn how to skydive.
Well, I thought it would be the perfect birthday present for us.
We're falling pretty fast now. Maybe we should open our parachutes.
Good idea. Where are they?
I thought you had them.
I'm telling Mom.

 

by Savage
6-09-04
So, what's the story on this Norman Bates guy?
I met him at the gym. He's always taking a shower.
Hey, Bro. Remember how Dad always warned us about those kind of guys?
No, Norman's not like that. He really likes women. But he's kind of shy.
Let's fix him up with Aunt Edna.
Great idea. Just don't tell Norman what happened to her last three boyfriends.

 

by Savage
6-10-04
This nuclear power plant is an interesting place. Hey, I wonder what's in there?
Remember, the guide said not to touch anything. Besides, the sign on the door says "Danger! Nuclear Reactor!
Oops.
I told you not to touch anything!
Sorry.
I'm telling Mom.

 

by Savage
6-10-04
You know Ed, you don't HAVE to cook dinner tonight. We could go out for burgers or something. Remember what happened last time?
No, I have to practice if I'm going to become a professional chef. Tonight I'm making sardine loaf with apricot sauce. I got the recipe from the Food Channel.
Wow, am I dead? Was it the sardine loaf that killed me?
No. It was the after-dinner drinks. Your brother mistook anti-freeze for the absinthe. Don't worry. You didn't suffer. In fact, you drank three glasses.

 

by Savage
6-10-04
Merry Christmas, Mom. You wanted to talk to me?
Yes, Fred. your drinking has gotten out of control. I think you should consider A.A.
Ed, I want to talk to you about your excessive drinking. I think you should call the A.A. people.
Well, gee Dad...
So, Ed. What do you think about this A.A. thing the folks were going on about?
Well, I think maybe we should check it out. It's an organization of alcoholics, so I bet they have an open bar.

 

by Savage
6-10-04
Since this is our first time at A.A., I thought I'd bring a hospitality gift. I filled their water cooler with vodka.
You're a classy guy, Fred.
I have to say. That A.A. director is a very cranky woman.
Well, three people DID vomit on her. I'd be in a bad mood too if that happened to me. Remember cousin Cindy's wedding? Her wedding gown was ruined. Cindy still isn't speaking to Mom.

 

by Savage
6-10-04
This is so cool! I've never been on a submarine before!
Just don't mess with anything.
I'm sorry. I just wanted some fresh air.
I cannot believe you opened the hatch. Hey, look out behind you!
I never really liked him anyway. He was kinda funny looking.

 

by Savage
6-10-04
Ed, it's dark. I'm scared.
Don't be scared, Fred. It's dark because Ray Charles just died.
Oh no. That makes me very sad.
Me too, brother. Here, I'll put on one of his cds.
That's better. I'm still sad that he died, but listening to his music makes me happy.
Everyone has to die sometime Fred. But some people will still live forever, because they gave us music.

 

by Savage
6-10-04
Oh beautiful fairy, my whole life I have dreamed of being a human man.
Your wish is granted little penguin. You are now a man.
Hey hot stuff. Wanna party?
What the hell? Hey, you're a penguin!
Damn. That fairy was a lying bitch!
Oh, what the hell. Just try not to breathe on me. Got any bourbon?

 

by Savage
6-12-04
Hey, Look what I got! Passes to the happiest place on earth!
That big liquor store over on highway 15?
No! Disneyland!
Is that the place with the people who wear costumes that make them look like big mice and bears and stuff?
Well, yeah. But they have a train. We can ride it over and over and drink the whole time.
Cool! Is there a place to plug in the blender, or will we have to stick to regular drinks?

 

by Savage
6-13-04
Well Bro, I've filled all the flasks for our trip to the happiest place on earth.
Please stop calling it that. Did you remember to charge up the digital video camera?
Yep. Are we forgetting anything?
Oh yeah. I'd better see if we have enough batteries for the portable blender.
I can't wait! I'm going to get Mickey Mouse to sign my autograph book.
I'll be sure to film that historic moment for Mom and Dad to enjoy later.

 

by Savage
6-13-04
Wow, that Disneyland tram driver was really mean.
Aw Bro, she was just doing her job.
Yeah, I know. But she didn't have to grab the flask right out of my hands like that.
She was kind of rough. But the rules do say: No alcohol on the tram.
Yeah. You're right. Still, I hate to think of good bourbon being poured out on the concrete.
No worries, Bro. I saw her taking a big swig right after she threw us off.

 

by Savage
6-13-04
Wow. Security is really tight at Disneyland. How long do you think they will hold us here?
Well, probably until they drink all the bourbon out of our metal flasks.
Sorry. I didn't know they would be a problem.
Yeah, I know. But why did you bring them in the first place?
For sentimental reasons, I suppose. After all, we wouldn't even be here if Mom and Dad hadn't taken their flasks to the Fall Festival and gone on the ferris wheel together.
Yeah. Imagine being on a ferris wheel that's stopped for a whole hour. Good thing they had a Rubik's cube.

 

by Savage
6-13-04
Okay, guys. Why are you bringing a blender into the park?
Well, you see, my brother here has special "medication needs."
Medication needs?
Oh yes. His doctor says that his medicine must be freshly mixed. Hence the battery-operated blender. I love my brother. I wouldn't want anything bad to happen to him. I would hate to have to sue.
Oh. Uhmm, okay. You two can go in.
Thank you. You are a credit to your profession.

 

by Savage
6-13-04
Wow. I really love riding this train. Are the dinosaurs real, Ed?
Oh Fred. You are so stupid. How could the dinosaurs be real? This is Disneyland. Of course the dinosaurs aren't real.
Oh. Sorry.
After all, dinosaurs have been extinct for thousands and thousands of years.
I feel so stupid.
Yeah, well. Anyway, of course the dinosaurs aren't real. They're stuffed.

 

by Savage
6-13-04
Wow, Ed. She sure used some nasty language for an old lady.
Yeah. After all, it wasn't our fault that the blender lid came off.
And she didn't have to hit me with her cane.
I agree. That was totally uncalled for.
Kinda makes you think, doesn't it, Bro?
Yeah. It's kinda like that old saying: When the going gets tough,the tough make Mai Tais.

 

by Savage
6-13-04
Wow. I like this magic store, Bro.
Yeah, whatever. Just remember the cardinal rule: don't touch anything.
Wow! Look at this. A magic wand!
Put it down. If you're good, I'll buy you a Mickey Mouse ice cream bar.
I wonder what would happen if I waved it and said "Abracadabra."
Fred! Don't! --------

 

by Savage
6-14-04
Oh no! What have I done?
All I did was wave the magic wand and say, "Abracadabra."
Hey!
I'm cutting out your tongue.

 

by Savage
6-14-04
Oh no! The sign says Space Mountain is closed!
Bummer, Bro. Your favorite ride.
I guess the astronauts took the rocket to Mars or someplace.
Don't cry Fred. I'll take you on that ride they named after you.
Really? Disney named a ride for me?
Sure. Haven't you ever heard of "Dumbo?"

 

by Savage
6-14-04
Wow, look Ed! Little cars! Can I drive one? Please?
Sure. But put away that flask. No drunk driving.
Okay. Here we go. Bet I can get this one up to ninety!
Hey, I think that cop behind us wants you to pull over.
I'm sorry we got a ticket, Bro.
Partly my fault, Fred. I forgot about your suspended license.

 

by Savage
6-14-04
Mama, looky. It's one of Snow White's dwarfs. Take my picture!
Whaa?
Can I have my picture taken too?
Stand next to the other dwarf. Which one are you, anyway?
Wow. People sure are nice here. They take your picture and everything.
Yeah, and I charged her twenty bucks, so now we have snacking money.

 

by Savage
6-14-04
I'm really hungry, Ed. Can I have a Mickey Mouse pancake? I've always wanted a real Mickey Mouse pancake!
Sure, sure. I'll even buy you a chocolate milk with a Goofy straw.
Thanks Ed. Can I get two pancakes?
You think you can eat two pancakes?
No. I'm going to save the other one for Mickey Mouse to autograph.
Uh-huh. And after that, we'll go buy you a Dopey t-shirt, so if you get lost the Disneyland police will know who you are.

 

by Savage
6-14-04
Wow! I can't believe it. Mickey Mouse's actual house!
Sure. Where did you think he lived?
I always figured Bel Air, or maybe Palm Springs. There's some nice golf courses in Palm Springs.
Yeah, but they're probably restricted. Humans only.
!
There there, Fred. I was only kidding. The big rodent's welcome wherever he goes.

 

by Savage
6-14-04
So, I was thinking of inviting Mick over for BBQ next weekend.
Mick?
Yeah. Mickey Mouse. He's really a cool guy. He told me to call him "Mick."
Oh. I. See. And will "Don" be coming over too?
You're just jealous because I'm friends with a celebrity.
Am not. And one time I used the urinal right next to Bob Dole. But I was too cool to ask him to sign a stupid pancake. So there!

 

by Savage
6-14-04
I wish we hadn't gone on this Jungle Cruise ride. I'm scared of wild animals.
Don't be scared, Bro. They're not real. They can't hurt you.
Oh good. Then I'm going to film them for Mom and Dad.
Watch out. That railing is slippery--Fred!
Well, look here. Fred forgot his flask. Can't let good booze go to waste. Guess I'll just have to drink up.

 

by Savage
6-14-04
Pirates of the Caribbean is the coolest ride ever!
It sure is. Say, where'd you stash that big jug of booze you took off that pirate?
I put it in a locker for later. I dunno. Maybe we shouldn't have stolen it from him.
Don't worry. He was passed out cold anyway. He didn't even flinch when I kicked him in the head.
My conscience is eased.
Let's go have some now, before we go on the Winnie the Pooh ride.

 

by Savage
6-14-04
I don't want to go in the Haunted Mansion, Ed. I'm scared of ghosts.
There's nothing to be scared of, Fred. Ghosts are just like you and I. Except that they don't need to eat or sleep.
Just like Uncle Julius.
Right. Oh, and they don't bleed anymore. They emit ectoplasm.
I wish I was smart like you.
No you don't, Bro. My genius IQ is a burden I must bear.

 

by Savage
6-14-04
I have to go to the bathroom again.
You do that. I'm going to go refill the flasks. I'll meet you back here in ten minutes. The parade is starting soon.
Where is that brother of mine? The parade is about to begin.
?
What are you doing out of costume? The parade is about to begin. Get over there and suit up!

 

by Savage
6-14-04
Fred! Fred! Where are you?
I thought I told you to get into your costume! Why do you seven little freaks always give me the most trouble?
Mister Creepy Guy, have you seen my brother Fred?
I want my brother.
Daddy, which dwarf is that? He's walking just like Uncle Billy Bob does just before he falls asleep in the mashed potatoes.

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