All comics by Smarmulus

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by Smarmulus
8-01-02
To: Cowboy2 @lamecomics.com. Them rotot turbines ain't gonna generate gravitons by themselves.
Uh-oh, it's Fuzzyman E-Mail Project Manager
What the fuck are you typing about?

 

by Smarmulus
8-01-02
I'm your proctor for the MENSA examination. Answer each of these questions as quickly as possible.
What is often said to be sincerest form of flattery?
Fellatio.

 

by Smarmulus
8-01-02
The MENSA exam questions continue...
According to the Bible...
uh-oh!
if someone strikes you on the cheek you should do what?
Refrain from ejaculation as long as possible.

 

by Smarmulus
8-02-02
Still more questions for Spankling.
What is the numerical equivalent of pi?
I don't know anything about pie. I'll have to make an educated guess on this one.
Ten inches.

 

by Smarmulus
8-02-02
George Bernard Shaw wrote,"It's such a wonderful thing, what a crime to waste it on children." What is this wonderful thing?
Bukkake!

 

by Smarmulus
8-02-02
Enter Peter Principal, boss of Fuzzyman E-Mail Project Manager...
Fuzzyman, I need you to work overtime helping us change our physical LAN.
We're going to switch over to a strict bus topology.
But sir, there are over 700 users on this LAN.
And your point is?

 

by Smarmulus
8-02-02
In numerous polls of film critics what is usually considered to be the greatest American motion picture?
Citizens Cane'd

 

by Smarmulus
8-05-02
I can't get this damn e-mail to work. I'd better find Fuzzyman E-Mail Project Manager.
What seems to be the problem?
My e-mail isn't working. I have no idea what's wrong. Did you break it or something?
Well, what happens after you type in your password?
I've forgotten my password. Is that important?

 

by Smarmulus
8-07-02
LexX, I hear that you were the third person to ever post a comic on stripcreator.
Yes, it's true. I have greater posting stamina than anyone else!
I also heard you were the six-thousandth person to post a funny comic.
I will rip him a new asshole in the forums!

 

by Smarmulus
8-08-02
I rented a classic American film from the video store. Want to come over and watch it tonight?
I would enjoy a nice classic film tonight.
WARNING: This film has been rated X and should not be viewed by anyone under the age of 18!
I thought you said this was a film classic with Warren Beatty and Natalie Wood?
Aren't they in "Splendor In The Ass?"

 

by Smarmulus
8-12-02
Last night at midnight I walked down to the corner store & there were two boys riding bikes on the sidewalk.
It made me feel good about this city to see it was safe for kids to be out late at night.
I wonder what I should do with their bodies?

 

by Smarmulus
8-14-02
With those two out of the way I can get back to doing what I do best - managing e-mail projects.
Fuzzyman MailHo thank god you're back. I was lost without you.
I'll tell you just one more time, your password is BUTFUKMEPLZ.
Thank you.
AHHHHH! The satisfaction of being needed!

 

by Smarmulus
8-17-02
Hi. I'm new here. What's your name handsome?
Man, Fuzzy Man.
I'm Connie Lindquist. Can you show me how my computer thingy works?
Certainly. Would you like that shaken or stirred?
Why don't you give me a private tour of the nearest server closet?
I know once we get started X will contact me with a new assignment, but as usual I will ignore the coitus interruptus.

 

by Smarmulus
8-17-02
Meanwhile in X's secret office...
Five Dollar, where the devil is Man?
& in X's secret waiting room...
I buzz his secret agent watch sir, but he not answer.
It appears Fuzzy Man is not finished with his unscheduled work break...
I shouldn't ignore this call since it is probably X attempting to contact me about my next assignment. Then again, I shouldn't be smoking in this tiny equipment room either.

 

by Smarmulus
8-18-02
a meeting in X's secret office
Man, it's time for debriefing on your last assignment.
Certainly X.
I did not enjoy working with that little Smart guy. He had an annoying voice and his shoe kept ringing.
But I did enjoy the opportunity to 69 with Agent 99.

 

by Smarmulus
8-19-02
Man, these are the details of your next assignment...
I shan't bother listening to this pointless exposition. It's antithetical to the thematic core of this visual-prose piece, and horribly premodern.
*blah - blah - blah - blah*
The literal nonacademic reader might misinterpret the non-joke portions of the text to be digressive whereas the jokes are mere artifice to expound upon a deeper...
And I will need you to penetrate the enemy agent -
Wait a second, could you please repeat that last part?

 

by Smarmulus
8-19-02
A few moments later in X's secret waiting room...
Five Dollar, how are you today?
Fuzzy, you owe Five Dollar much money.
I promise I will cover my entire account as soon as I recieve my next pay check.
In the interim might I increase the amount of my debt to you?

 

by Smarmulus
8-19-02
Linear structure in written media is obsolete. It's use is the equivalent of a film made in a pre-D. W. Griffith style.
Even more outmoded is strict linear structure - setup, increase of tension, climax, epilogue. How trite!
*cum* slurp!
Delightful!
No more fucky sucky on credit for you.

 

by Smarmulus
8-19-02
This morning I had a fairly pleasant swim.
It would have been even better had I been able to locate a blowfish.

 

by Smarmulus
8-20-02
Fuzzy Man begins his latest mission
Very interesting.
It appears this plane is going to collide with the World Trade Center.
Time to escape via an implausible mechanical device which could only function in a very contrived fiction.

 

by Smarmulus
8-20-02
after another daring escape...
Luckily the rotor turbines generated enough gravitons to save me.
Thank goodness for the rescue gadgets Dr Kaufman invents for me.
But why does he always grab my balls and ask me to turn my head when he says HIS last name?

 

by Smarmulus
8-20-02
meanwhile, another debriefing in X's secret office
I get my nut with Nutella.
Agent Boinky, I thought we had agreed you would not act like a retard anymore?
Would you like some Nutella flavored bukkake?
Five Dollar, this is X . Have Agent Brad assemble the firing squad. I have an URGENT job for them!
Bannishment is insufficient.

 

by Smarmulus
8-21-02
meanwhile back in Manhattan...
Interesting how the towers are collapsing straight down. Basic physics indicates they should be falling at an angle.
Look, there's TV anchor-whore Ashleigh Banfield running TOWARD the towers.
Why is that makeup man putting fake ashes all over her clothes and face?

 

by Smarmulus
8-21-02
Drat, it's my nemesis Blowling.
I've forgotten my computer password again.
For the last time it's BUTTFUKMEPLZ.
I thought you'd never ask!
Thank god Dr. Kaufman has provided me with anal chastity Depends.
grovel

 

by Smarmulus
8-21-02
I feel great DexX.
Why's that Smarmulus?
Mr. Andy Dougan has invited me to participate in a special English pastime. I'm going round his flat for biscuits and a game.
HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
What the hell is so goddamn funny?
You're new to ScriptCreator, aren't you?

 

by Smarmulus
8-22-02
Why does a dog suck it's own dick?
Because it's a filthy, disgusting animal.

 

by Smarmulus
8-22-02
evil_d at home...
Time's up on CC138. I'd better read through the comics and vote for the winner.
* sigh *
did I mention that owl's are considered to be very wise?
I abstain.

 

by Smarmulus
8-22-02
Fer the last time your passwerd is BUTTFUKMEPLZ.
I thought you'd never ask.
Your place or mine?
I can go either way. Literally.
Thanks Smarmulus. That's much better.
Will you please move your goddamn arms now?

 

by Smarmulus
8-23-02
I'm here to seek your help. I've been told you are a great & wise healer.
This is really embarrassing & I don't know how to put this... It's a sexual dysfunction relating to time.
Easy come?

 

by Smarmulus
8-25-02
Meanwhile President Bush & several secret service agents are aboard Air Force One...
That goat book was sure funny. I want my mommy.
Mr President please tell us where you would like us to land this plane.
I'm so scared I need to change my chaps.
Reporters assemble at the White House...
What do you mean there's nobody home?
Someone should calm & reassure_the_American_people? Quick, show the film of the collapse for the 5,000th time.

 

by Smarmulus
8-27-02
To add more parallel content a view from Mt. Olympus...
Look at those puny humans running around like Jerry Lewis at the special olympics.
Jesus, you are one sick fuck. You haven't made me laugh so hard since the Inquisition.
Remember when we fucked with that idiot Job?
That was almost as funny as when you made Hitler chancellor of Germany.
OK, now this is getting dull. Anyway it's time for our poker game with Allah and Bacchus.
I'll meet you there. I have to go whisper some things in Ariel Sharon's ear first.

 

by Smarmulus
8-27-02
Even more parallel content as we look into the office of Rupert Murdoch.
Next on Fox news we will show the collapse of the World Trade Centers 8,300 more times.
This is fantastic. What great luck for me. I will make another fortune!
MOH!
Allah your base are belong to me.

 

by Smarmulus
8-27-02
CNN is getting interviews at the scene of the destruction...
I understand you escaped tower #2 moments before it collapsed.
*cough* Yes. *gag* That's right. *gasp*
What thoughts would you like to share with our viewers?
Look at me. I'm on television. This is the best thing that's ever happened to me!
I pray one of my relatives is recording this.

 

by Smarmulus
8-28-02
However, when Charlton Heston destroyed the Earth he did not know two Earth inhabitants survived...
Look out there. It looks as if the a green insignificant planet is about to explode.
That's OUR green insignificant planet, and no you may not have a cigarette!
By diverting their ship thru a temporal flux they travelled far back to a prehistorical era..
Man, I think I'm trippin'.
I thought this was a tobacco cigarette!
What kind of savage upside down world was this...
And that's why I ordered a nuclear strike on Iraq this morning.
IT'S A MADHOUSE... A MADHOUSE... GODDAMN YOU ALL TO HELL!

 

by Smarmulus
9-02-02
Obijo, you want to know me? YOU WANT TO KNOW ME!!!
How do you want to know me? Do you want to know me like a clown?
Fine. Do I win?

 

by Smarmulus
9-04-02
Man is recalled to X's secret office...
Man, I need you to find out who was behind the attack on New York City.
Right-O.
The US has already created fake documents to implicate the Afghan government.
Those crafty Americans are always ready with a scapegoat. Just like with that poor Lee Oswald schmuck.
In this case Cheney just wants vengeance on the Taliban for their refusal to let Haliburton run an oil pipeline through their country.
They must have some new men in the US secret ops. That's a new twist, having a reason for selecting a certain patsy.

 

by Smarmulus
9-04-02
Her Majesty is counting on you Man.
About my last assignment to penetrate an enemy agent, is it possible I could still work it in?
Don't you always?
Right! I'm off then.
but danger awaits...
Brother, we need to have a little chat about my friend Five Dollar.

 

by Smarmulus
9-17-02
Fuzzy Man, it's been a year & you have traveled the world. Don't you have anything to report yet?
X, I did penetrate the enemy agents.
Prostitutes are not enemy agents. Anything else?
I have discovered a secret plot by the Yanks to dominate the world's oil supply and use our beloved empire as a propaganda mouthpiece.
I hope you read that in the newspaper next to the help wanted ads!
It was on the page opposite the girl of the day photo.

 

by Smarmulus
9-17-02
This sabre I'm rattlin' is an authentic Civil War antique. We will be avenged.
Mr Bush your time is up. There shall be no vote on this resolution as it is obviously devoid of any rationality.
No wait a minute feller. Just what country do you represent?
I am UN Secretary General Koffi Annan!
If'n you keep up that kinda talk we're gonna bomb your little UN country too!

 

by Smarmulus
9-17-02
Saddam Hussein invites Koffi Annan to Baghdad...
As much as I hate to give into Yank scum I will grant unlimited access to UN weapons inspectors.
Thank you. I will advise the UN immediately.
I am a proud and arrogant man but I can not let this beautiful city be destroyed without reason.
He's somewhat more rational than anyone ever suspected.
Back at the U.N.
Good news. Hussein has granted unlimited access to UN weapons inspectors. It is safe to cancel your war plans.
I dun tole ya, if ya don't quit innerfearin' I'll bomb yer country too. You got any oil in that African country o' yerz?

 

by Smarmulus
9-17-02
Dick Cheney does tv interviews to gain support...
Can you explain why the administration is still planning an illegal first strike against Iraq?
The Iraqi offer to allow unrestricted weapons inspectors is a tactic to stall for time to build weapons of mass destruction.
Wha ???????? How !!!!!!!!!
The Enterprise has returned to the past to attempt to alter the time line...
Highly illogical.

 

by Smarmulus
9-17-02
Uncle Dick, I gotta thank you fer givin' me that book about Joe McCarthy.
You're welcome George.
I wish I know'd him. He must'a been the best durn politician this cuntry ever had.
It's like I told you, if it worked once it will work again.
I jus' wish my brother Jeb could come up and finish readin' it ta me.

 

by Smarmulus
9-17-02
US Secretary of State Colon Powell also hits the tv talk show circuit...
The question of weapons inspectors is moot. The current Iraqi regime is dangerous to the entire Middle East.
In that case, Mr. Lower Large Intestine, why do US allies such as Saudi Arabia disagree with this policy?
Notice the clever avoidance of the question?
If the UN is unwilling to agree to our position we have no choice but to launch a protective first strike.
Gee, you certainly look a lot like Koffi Annan.
note to self: must resist urge to make cheap & easy racial joke
That's because StripCreator is racist. It's either Wigu_Neal or a pimp!

 

by Smarmulus
9-18-02
Iraq has fired upon US aircraft patrolling the no fly zone.
Why are you named after the part of the intestine located just above the anus?
It is our policy to only use military action in self defense. The current conflict was started by illegal Iraqi action.
Now I know why you were named Colon. I think you would be better represented by the pimp character.
Shit beotch, those motherfuckers tryin' to keep ExxonMobile and Haliburton away from that sweet, sweet oil.

 

by Smarmulus
9-18-02
Secretary of State Ass Canal, you keep refering to weapons of mass destruction. Can you offer any proof?
The US has conclusive evidence that Iraq has recently purchased a large supply of centrifuges.
Centrifuges are essential for the manufacture of nuclear weapons. Allow me to show you our photographic evidence.
Sir, that is a photograph of a simple hospital centrifuge used to seperate white blood cells from red blood cells.
Proof of the evil of the Iraqi regime. Why must red and white be seperated. It's discrimination at it's worst.

 

by Smarmulus
10-03-02
Hello Mandrake.
Toddle pip, Ripper.
So, why did you drink all the milk?
It does a bobby good.

 

by Smarmulus
9-21-05
the new novice receives her 1st lesson from the master
What is the sound of one hand clapping?
slap
the novice doesn't understand the meaning of the word rhetorical
That is sound of one hand clapping -- your face.

 

by Smarmulus
9-21-05
human slavery... genocide of Native Americans... no female sufferage... voting exclusively for the wealthy...
All land-owning white males are created equal.
Reparations, never!
President Truman orders the atomic bomb dropped on Hiroshima AND Nagassaki, Japan...
It had nothing to do with ending WWII. I had to show those RUSSIAN commies our determination to fight for democracy.
the more things change...
You're doing a heck of a job, Brownie.
i love my pretty, pretty pony

 

by Smarmulus
9-21-05
Hey boys look at me. I'm showing my boobies!
What the hell is she doing!
Doctor you've got to help me!
What's wrong Ken?
I think I'm dying. I've just seen MY WIFE FLASH BEFORE MY EYES.
It's Henny Youngman's world, I just live in it.

 

by Smarmulus
10-05-05
You may ask why should I, Hubert Smarmulus, be selected to host CC 300.
Everyone else in the race is an annoying, idiotic, humorless fuckface.
Besides, I'm "StripCreator's most beloved."

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