All comics by Spilt_Milk

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by Spilt_Milk
4-14-04
Hey Chris!
*&$@*#&()#&*@
I'm ripping off FatJordan's idea on making a webcomic here.
Cool huh?
You could have at least ripped off his idea of using Jesus as my character since you went to all this trouble.

 

by Spilt_Milk
4-14-04
Hey man, Denny's tonight?
@%*# YES!
Wait, what was that?
I said, "@%*# YES!"
#!@$ , I better re-read the rules here before I make anymore of these.
You're right you stupid $!%#$*&@!!!!

 

by Spilt_Milk
4-14-04
Hey Chris, can you do me a favor and buy me those pedals and some picks for our show? I gotta go to work. Here's $300.
$CHA-CHING$
Oh shit...I hope he isn't hungry. Wait, he's ALWAYS hungry...FUCK!
Welcome to Space Burger, can I take your order?
25 Moon Melts, 15 Saturn Shakes, 13 Pluto Pattys and a Coke with NO ICE.

 

by Spilt_Milk
4-14-04
Holy shit I had the WEIRDEST dream last night! I dreamt that I MET KURT COBAIN!
"I was in like, a white, powdery Heaven and Kurt chilled with me and we did everything together!"
Hey, I'm Kurt. Welcome to Heaven.
OMG WTF SWEET!!!!
You sure you just didn't happen to be in front of a mirror while out of your mind on drugs?
Well...the only mirror I was around was the one we cut coke on...

 

by Spilt_Milk
4-14-04
8:00 PM, outside of Dennys in Palatine
Gallopping Pony should be here any moment...
10:00 PM, outside of Denny's in Palatine
Where the fuck is he?
1:00 AM, outside of Denny's Palatine
WHERE THE FUCK HAVE YOU BEEN?!
Gotta, gotta go see tha mooooovie!

 

by Spilt_Milk
4-14-04
Hey Diana, I'm reallllllly sorry.
Mike...it's ok.
I promise I'll try harder next time!
Fuck, where's my vibe...
So I TOTALLY almost had sex again.
Wow, so that makes it what, the 20th time your nearly lost your virginity?

 

by Spilt_Milk
4-14-04
Chris and Mike discuss the comic.
Dude, Jon's comic sucks.
I like it!
No you don't, he's just making you say that! YOU ARE A TOOL!
Whoa...Diana has realllllly big nipples.
ARE YOU EVEN LISTENING?!?!
I wonder if Chris has big nipples...

 

by Spilt_Milk
4-14-04
Hey Ian, what's goin on?
Not much.
Well do you feel special now that you're in the comic?
Nah, Chris was right when he said your comic sucks.

 

by Spilt_Milk
4-14-04
Hey Sa-
FUCK YOU JON!
What?! What's wrong Sagar?
You know GODDAMN RIGHT what's WRONG!
Ohhh. Well stripcreator only let's me have enough space for 2 images. That's why there isn't a camel for you.
I am so going to make you eat this fucking turban.

 

by Spilt_Milk
4-14-04
So is this better Sagar?
Is this the best you can do?
Well, I'm kind of limited to whatever is available on the website.
Oh.
So they didn't have any douchebags available for you to portray yourself with I take it.

 

by Spilt_Milk
4-14-04
Uh...hi Micah.
Hello Jon.
I know that you must be upset at the fact that you look like this.
Well, I DID want to be a cigarettes smoking triceratops...
But, y'know, keeping me locked up in your basement isn't going to solve anything.
Nice try, now get back into the cage while I go take notes from "The Silence of the Lambs" .

 

by Spilt_Milk
4-14-04
8:00 PM
Hmm...I really should get started on this paper.
8:35 PM
Man this is draining. I think I'll take a break and B.S. on the internet for awhile.
3:57 AM
HAHAHA! If only stripcreator had a Goatse character my life would be complete!

 

by Spilt_Milk
4-15-04
Step 1: Don't pay attention to anything she says.
I'm breaking up with you, asshole.
I wonder when they'll realease a Pete and Pete box set on DVD.
Step 2: Act like a baby.
For Chrissakes put your pants back on! People are starting to complain!
NOT THE MAMA!
Step 3: Spend your money on stupid shit.
YOU SPENT YOUR ENTIRE PAYCHECK ON WHAT?!
Well...the blow up sheep are usually way more than what I got it for, but since mine was used I got 10% off and...

 

by Spilt_Milk
4-16-04
At the Dollar Store where Kristina works
Hey Pookie!
Hey! I got a job!
Really?! Where?
The Health, Beauty, and Cosmetics section at Meijer!
But you're not healthy OR beautiful.
No, but I get to interact with lots of hot girls...

 

by Spilt_Milk
4-16-04
So Sarah, how is your soul-crushing job working for the man?
It's actually really good.
Oh yea? How so?
Well...
Can't think of anything can you?
Actually, I was thinking about the best way to call you a FAG for working at the cosmetics section at Meijer.

 

by Spilt_Milk
4-17-04
The people at the table across from us:
I'll have the Breakfast Dagwood please. But instead of hashbrowns can I have seasoned fries?
I'm gonna get and order of chicken strips and and order of onion rings too.
Oh, and a side of ranch dressing, barbeque sauce, and honey mustard also!
Whoa! Slow down FREIGHT TRAIN!

 

by Spilt_Milk
4-17-04
Hey Chr-
*FAAAAAAAAAAART*
Jesus! That smells awful!
Ha ha ha!
Why do I even keep you around?
COS I FUCKED YOUR MOM AND I'M YOUR DADDY!

 

by Spilt_Milk
4-21-04
Chris' basement.
Wow, that was a pretty good band practice.
Yeah. We'll do an awesome show Friday.
See you later Ian.
Later guys.
Can you tell me why he insists on grabbing his crotch while singing?
I don't know, but it's really disturbing when he does it during the "Kid's Anthem".

 

by Spilt_Milk
4-25-04
Hi, due to the fact that this strip has recently been censored-
-the creator of this strip is protesting by not changing any default settings.
Also, the next panel will be all swear words.
Enjoy!
FUCKING COCK SHIT FUCK ASS CUNT TIT PISS FAG DICK TITTY!
PUSSY DILDO SHITE WANKER ANAL WHORE BALLSACK DOOKIE!

 

by Spilt_Milk
4-25-04
Hi again!
We just wanted to say that the creator of this strip is a dumbass.
He failed to read about the new obscenity filter.
Yeah, he's a real fucktard like that.
INSERT JOKE HERE
Please?

 

by Spilt_Milk
4-25-04
We need to talk.
About what, jerkass?
Those last two strips...they were horrible.
So?
You're making me look bad.
They're YOUR strips, twatwhistle.

 

by Spilt_Milk
4-25-04
We were on our way to Portillos, when Chris yells:
OUTTA THE WAY JERKASS!
Now, he had just yelled it out at random, but this old lady heard it.
Dude, that old lady thinks you said that shit to her.
Ha, that's the r0x0rz!
What we didn't know was that she was an undercover cop in drag.
Way to get us in the clink, JERKASS!
Hey, Raoul over there is looking for a prison bitch. Don't make me start sending him love letters in your name.

 

by Spilt_Milk
5-07-04
Dude, what's with your hair today?
What do you mean?
You look like Eraserhead.
Eraserhead? SHIT YEAH!

 

by Spilt_Milk
5-07-04
My reaction at failing half of my classes:
OH MY GOD WHAT THE FUCK AM I GOING TO DO?!
My reaction to a "pregnancy scare":
OH MY GOD WHAT THE FUCK AM I GOING TO DO?!
My reaction when I found out Dennys was going to be closed for 10 days due to remodeling:
OH MY GOD WHAT THE FUCK AM I GOING TO DO?!

 

by Spilt_Milk
5-07-04
So Milad, where are you from?
"E-RAHN"
Oh, "I-RAN", that's cool.
No no.
Not "I-RACK"! I don't hate you!

 

by Spilt_Milk
5-16-04
Hey Ian, isn't Evanston cool?
Nah, it sucks.
ONE OF US! ONE OF US!
ONE OF US! ONE OF US!
What the hell?
Actually, I changed my mine. These are my kind of people.

 

by Spilt_Milk
5-23-04
This strip is brought to you by Bacardi Silver.
Yes.
So...
um...
THE ARISTOCRAT!
I don't get it.

 

by Spilt_Milk
5-25-04
Man, I'm so bored.
Yeah man, there's nothing to do in this shit town.
We already went for Slurpees and White Castle, checked out Best Buy, gone to both our houses and Dennys and even the bowling alley.
Hmm. Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
I don't think I have enough money to go and do everything I just said for a fifth time tonight.
Pussy.

 

by Spilt_Milk
5-25-04
The Debate Club tackles the subject of what the best thing you can get at Taco Bell is:
Crunchy!
Soft!
Chalupas!
Gorditas!
Vomiting!
Diarrhea!

 

by Spilt_Milk
5-25-04
Jordan, I've come to find out how you make your comics funny.
Well step inside my humble abode, which I affectionatly refer to as the "AWESOMETORIUM".
Holy shit!
This is where each comic is thought out, then imprinted into a robot. Only comics that make the robot "laugh" hard enough to self destruct are posted online.
Robots can "laugh"?
It's a program I devised where the funnier a comic is, the more powerful the setting on my mom's vibrator which is inside the robot.

 

by Spilt_Milk
6-07-04
I'm drunk now so i cna't even face you little girl
"ewwww you'r e creepy"
Fuck you, guttersluit!
"ewwww you'r e creepy"
Say soething differen,t we need to make this funny!
you actually somehow get laid on a semi-regular basis!

 

by Spilt_Milk
6-15-04
Hey, hows it shakin homewrecker?
Hey, hows it going Maybelline Man?
Look, for the last time, I don't work in the cosmetics section. It's just a part of my section physically but it belongs to home fashions.
Whatever you say, Sally Hansen.
*sigh* I just can't win with you can I?
Yeah. Also, this is where I call you a fag for working in the make up section.

 

by Spilt_Milk
6-15-04
Hi everyone. I'd just like to say that I'm going to try and update this on a more frequent and regular basis.
Not that any of you really care.
I suck at life, don't I?
Pretty much.

 

by Spilt_Milk
6-15-04
I'm sorry I called you a homewrecker.
Really? Why don't I believe you?
Probably because I'm a huge jerk.
And a fag. Don't forget that.
Christ, even when I apologize sincerely you still insult me.
You know you like it. Now fetch me the grapes and feed them to me one by one once you get into your "slave" outfit.

 

by Spilt_Milk
6-15-04
Hello Chris, have I got a joke for you!
Oh really Jon? Please, delight me with it!
What, good sir, is the best thing about having sex with twenty one year olds?
Why, I have no idea! Do tell!
There's twenty of them!
Oh poppycock!

 

by Spilt_Milk
6-16-04
Hey Slutface, what's shakin?
WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING IN MY CUBICLE! YOU'RE GOING TO GET ME FIRED!
I just came by to say hello since you're always bitching about how we never hang out.
Hey, seriously. Get the fuck out. You're messing with my WPM.
"Hang in there"
Go hang yourself, you fucking waste of space douchebag.

 

by Spilt_Milk
6-21-04
Excuse me, do you have anymore of the toothpaste that's on sale that comes with the free toothbrush in your backroom?
Yeah, but there's plenty right here. How many do you need?
200.
Uh, there's a limit of 6.
It doesn't say that anywhere.
OH FUCK ME.

 

by Spilt_Milk
6-21-04
So do you have more?
Listen, I know the limit isn't written on the sign or the ad, but trust me, there IS one.
But it does not say there is a limit, so how can there be one.
Look, sir...
I don't understand how can you be telling me there is a limit if there isn't one.
Cos I can't go tell you to "fuck the hell off" without getting fired...

 

by Spilt_Milk
6-21-04
Wow, working as an executive assistant is really fulfilling.
SARAH! STOP! I have come to tell you something!
...
...
Well hurry the fuck up, my boss is gonna be pissed if I don't get his double mocah latte with soy to him in the next 20 seconds.
Sorry. I just get really BOARD up here now and then and come down to harrass people. Got a quarter?

 

by Spilt_Milk
6-21-04
I feel so lonely these days. I miss kissing someone and holding them tight.
I wish I could find a girlfriend, but it seems as if no girl wants anything to do with me.
Jeez. I'd hook up with just about anyone right now.
Hoi there hot schtuff.

 

by Spilt_Milk
6-21-04
Chris looks for a way to make Jon shut up about his love life.
So $300?
That sounds about right.
And you promise to show him a good time?
Well, what does he consider a good time?
Hanging out at Dennys and bitching about he can't find a girlfriend.
Fuck that shit! I may suck dick for coke but I'm not THAT desperate for cash.

 

by Spilt_Milk
6-21-04
Hi there.
Hi.
So...
Steady...reach for the mace sloooowly...
Ever been to Goatse.cx?
Ughhh!

 

by Spilt_Milk
6-21-04
YES! YES YES YES!
What the fuck are you so elated about?
A friend of a friend set me up on a blind date tonight!
Well I hope it goes well so I don't have to hear you bitch about being lonely and shit anymore.
Later that night...
Where could she be? Which one of these girls could be Alex?
Hoi hot schtuff! I'm Alex!

 

by Spilt_Milk
7-09-04
It's been awhile since I've made a new strip.
I've been feeling kind of down lately. Emotionally.
Sorry.

 

by Spilt_Milk
7-16-04
Did you hear?
No! What happened?
SLUTFACE LOST HER EDGE!
ZUH?! BUH?! WUH?!
Her virginity.
Oh, well I always thought she was a skank.

 

by Spilt_Milk
8-07-04
I feel depressed again.
Do I look like I care?
Err, gee, I guess not. Excuse me while I drink myself into a coma.
Honestly Jon, what happened to you? You used to be so full of zest!
Actually, that was just gas.
No wonder you smell like ass when yer happy.

 

by Spilt_Milk
10-07-04
Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Nicotine Fit, LOL

 

by Spilt_Milk
10-10-04
A typical conversation between me and a girl I'm interested in.
So what is your outlook on love?
Well, my ex is a douchebag but I still sort of have feelings for him, but then this guy I sorta like now did something really shitty the other day and I don't think I like him anymore.
Basically all guys suck and I can't even imagine having or even wanting a boyfriend right now.
Shot down without even getting to ask her out. This is a new low even for ME!

 

by Spilt_Milk
10-10-04
Excuse me, can you tell me how to get to the dorms?
Are you a student here?
No I'm just visiting a few friends, why do you ask?
You wanna fuck?
Dude, the girls at your school are skeezy.
I know, it's awesome! Well, except for the crabs. And these coldsores I'm getting. And the HIV.

 

by Spilt_Milk
12-07-04
I have good news, Slutface!
Oh yeah?
Yeah! We finally got our own TV show!
OMGWTF NO WAY!
However, I could only get you a job on the show as my secretary.
GODDAMN GLASS CEILING FOLLOWING ME EVERYWHERE!

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