All comics by Thats_Pathetic

Profile

 

by Thats_Pathetic
7-19-03
In an exciting compliment to Undaunted's series, the author of the critically-diseased "Nonsense, You Crazy Bastard!" is pleased to bring you his next incarnation.
It features dynamite humor, a wonderful cast, and so much eloquence and style that it rivals even the greatest webcomics of all-time. (Or something.)
Suffice to say, we ran out of character ideas quickly.
What?

 

by Thats_Pathetic
7-19-03
Spencer, have you seen Jessica?
No.
Do you know where she might be?
You could check my pants.
...You realize you're a virgin, right?
Nope.

 

by Thats_Pathetic
7-19-03
So, Jess, I was wondering if maybe you wanted to, you know, uh, yeah.
I have a boyfriend.
You do?
Yeah.
Ha ha! Jesse has cooties!

 

by Thats_Pathetic
7-19-03
Hey, Zack!
Hey, Whore.
Hi!

 

by Thats_Pathetic
7-19-03
So how are you doing?
Well, I was just about to head over there.
Over where?
Away from you.
Ooh! Can I come?

 

by Thats_Pathetic
7-19-03
"Hello, baby. Home from Catholic school already, eh? Are you ready for some old man lovin'? What are you wearing?"
...a police badge and an arrest warrant for child endangerment on the grounds of attempted pedophilia?
"Kinky. =)"

 

by Thats_Pathetic
7-19-03
You blew it, man! You missed the game-winning shot! The team lost because of you! You're never going to be able to show your stupid face around again!
Five minutes later...
I feel violated.

 

by Thats_Pathetic
7-19-03
Okay, here's the plan. You go up to Jessica and tell her that Jake was making out with another girl, and I'll get Cinthia to pretend it was her.
Then, when she confronts him, he will deny it, and then she will be MINE.
...And if your pathetically illogical, inevitably disasterous plan fails?
...Fuck you.
I'm only here to help.

 

by Thats_Pathetic
7-19-03
Hey, Jessica, I saw Jake making out with another woman behind the bushes by the fountain.
What?
Yeah, then I saw them get down doggy-style and streak THROUGH the fountain, then go down on each other in front of the little children.
Huh?
Yeah. Word is she's pregnant.
Who are you?

 

by Thats_Pathetic
7-19-03
I heard you were making out with Jake.
What? No.
Hey! Did you know Zack likes you?

 

by Thats_Pathetic
7-19-03
Yeah, I like you, and I could treat you much better than Jake.
I promise I will uphold my promise to cherish you like you were a message board full of female gamers professing their love for online RPGs.
Whatever.
I will never understand women.

 

by Thats_Pathetic
7-19-03
Jessica rejected me.
Perhaps that was for a reason.
You just don't quit with being an asshole, do you?
I consider it my calling.

 

by Thats_Pathetic
7-20-03
Welcome to Three-Ring Burger Blast. May I take your order?
Why do you let them do this to you, Spencer?
Shut up, man. My name is Bongo here, see? Read the nametag.
They give you clown names?
Look, just order some damn calories already.
You're wearing makeup!

 

by Thats_Pathetic
7-20-03
Who are you?
I am the Masked Crusader of Death and Oblivion.
You do realize Halloween is in, like, four months, right?
Halloween? What blasphemy do you speak of, Mortal?
You really need to lay off the RPGs, Spencer.
Silence, foul heretic!

 

by Thats_Pathetic
7-20-03
Dad, I need some money.
Why?
I have a date tonight.
Go to your room until you're ready to tell the truth, young man.

 

by Thats_Pathetic
7-20-03
Hey, Ross, how was your date with Rachel?
Hey, man, don't ask me about it. I'm too tired.
[laughter]
I love this show!

 

by Thats_Pathetic
7-20-03
I asked Dad for some money claiming I had a date, and he sent me to my room.
You had a date?
No. I actually just wanted to buy that new Warcraft expansion pack.
The one with that drunken panda hero?
Yeah. I just wanted to pretend I lost the match because my barracks were accidentally tainted with Pandaren alcohol.
Right. Well, as long as you're grounded, care for some complimentary S&M porn?

 

by Thats_Pathetic
7-20-03
Folks. We here at 'That's Pathetic' think it's time this comic raised the standards of Internet humor and offered a service to its readers.
Now, when offered the choice between gratuitous hardcore porn and a full definition of American society and the canon of teen culture, our focus group decided on the former twelve votes to one.
Enjoy.

 

by Thats_Pathetic
7-21-03
I've decided to give up on women.
Yeah, you don't need them. Not if you have enough tissues lying around.
Have you ever talked to an actual woman?
One time they gave me directions.

 

by Thats_Pathetic
7-22-03
Yes, so the Hussein boys are dead. Big deal. What does having them alive in the first place matter?
I'm bored.
Me too.
Want to, like, kill someone?
Meh. I guess...

 

by Thats_Pathetic
7-22-03
Your mother's a cow!
Everyone's had a piece of HER utter.
Seconds later...
Yo.

 

by Thats_Pathetic
7-22-03
So wait a second, I'm dead now, and I'm in Heaven?
That's right.
So all that's here are clouds?
And surprisingly, no women.

 

by Thats_Pathetic
7-22-03

 

by Thats_Pathetic
7-22-03
Wait, so you're God?
Yep.
But, wait... what the hell?
No, 'what the Heaven.' You're in Heaven.
...You mean, you're a sarcastic and jaded asshole too?
I also created lesbian comedians.

 

by Thats_Pathetic
7-23-03
Who are you?
I'm your guardian angel.
If I'm in Heaven, and thus I myself am an angel, would that not dispose of all logic and reason in your being here as my guardian angel?
You know, I could send you to Hell just by snapping my fingers, you insolent little bastard.

 

by Thats_Pathetic
7-23-03
You know, God, this Heaven is pretty crappy. Couldn't I just try Hell instead?
You could, if you had done a horrible deed.
Your mother's a whore?
Fair enough.

 

by Thats_Pathetic
7-23-03
Hey, this isn't Hell...
The Improv
So, like, my girlfriend said to me, "Why don't you ever go down?" And I said, "Because you're never up." Haha, yeah, I'm such a lesbian.
Oh.

 

by Thats_Pathetic
7-23-03
Look, Satan, this entire adventure in the afterlife has made absolutely no sense.
Negative. It has been perfectly logical.
Yeah, well, could you explain to me why you're a ROBOT then?
Error. Error. Excuse program initiate...
....I'm not a robot.

 

by Thats_Pathetic
7-25-03
Meanwhile, back in the Mortal Realm...
Hey, Zack, I have something to t--
What the--? Wait a second...
Honey!? Did you know Zack is hiding PORN!?

 

by Thats_Pathetic
7-25-03
So I just have to do a comedy routine, and in some twisted end to an arbitrary conglomerate of seemingly ludicrous events all intertwined into one painstakingly confusing process, I'll be free?
That's right.
Do I have to make people laugh?
Of course.
Without resorting to jokes about drunken Asian whores?
Let's not push it, pal.

 

by Thats_Pathetic
7-25-03
So I guess I, uh, died. Anyone here ever die?
Is it hot in here or is it just Hell?
I thought I might be a fallen angel, but then I realized the Angels won the World Series.

 

by Thats_Pathetic
7-25-03
Hey, how about that Satan, huh? He can be a real pain in the CAN, huh?
Okay, fine. I'm a fan of Friends.
*unanimous laughter*

 

by Thats_Pathetic
7-25-03
Alright, kid, you proved yourself. That Friends bit really killed.
Thanks, I guess.
Ha, I'm kidding. That was pity applause, nothing more, but you won your freedom nonetheless.
Sweet.
That is, if you can traverse the Lava Reservoir of Ultimate Doom and Agony.
Son of a BITCH!

 

by Thats_Pathetic
7-25-03
What the--?
Is there a reason why the so-called 'lava' is just velvet?
I enjoy the fuzzy feeling on my feet.

 

by Thats_Pathetic
7-25-03
Son, where have you been?
I, uh, took a road trip to Vegas with a couple of meth dealers, impregnated a hooker, and gambled away my college fund.
See, now doesn't the truth feel so much better, son?

 

by Thats_Pathetic
7-25-03
The photos of the Hussein brothers have been released to the public, and we here at Fox News would like to congratulate the brothers on dying gruesome, well-deserved, terrible deaths...
These brave men gave their lives to make freedom possible in Iraq, heroes in this great, holy war, who have helped establish sense and democracy in a world full of misguided leaders (and liberals)!
Next up on The O'Reilly Factor: why those damned liberals are after your cats, and what you can do to protect them!

 

by Thats_Pathetic
7-26-03
This comic makes less sense every day, no?
Indeed.

 

by Thats_Pathetic
7-26-03
Well, school is starting up soon.
Indeed it is.
I suppose that means that instead of wasting our lives away doing nothing we will waste them away while waking up at 6 AM.
Indeed.
And, of course, we'll bring porn to class.
Popularity, here we come!

 

by Thats_Pathetic
1-03-04
September 11, 2001
We al Queda members are discontent with your American imperialistic ways.
Thus we have decided to crash your airplanes into several American institutions.
We are now headed straight for the World Trade Center, where we will all become part of a giant flying bomb, if you will.
The full fuel tanks of the plane will ignite upon impact, creating a giant fireball which will cause the building's very foundation to collapse upon the unsuspecting public.
For your own safety, we ask that you keep your food trays up and refrain from using any electronic devices as we make our descent.

 

by Thats_Pathetic
1-09-04
Hello, children. I am EccentroBot 2.0. I will be your director for our musical production this year.
This year our musical will be The Music Alien, the story of Professor Harold Mini'kami'keh, from the Planet Garindiana.
Our leading players...
Dude, since when is there a dwarf in The Music Man?
I'm playing Marion.

 

by Thats_Pathetic
1-15-04
Act I, Scene I--The Train
He's a music earthling, and he teaches clarinet to the kids in town...
Hill?
Hill!
Hill!
Hill?
Hill!

 

by Thats_Pathetic
3-26-04
Hey, buddy, can you spare some change?
You're just going to use it on booze, aren't you?
Well, no, I--okay, yes.
Okay, well, while you're there, can you pick me up some Mike's? Oh, and some magazines...
And condoms. You know, just in case.

Showing page 1.